GenericMind's Guide To Being An Internet Douchebag v.1
Congratulations on your choice of becoming one of the internets fastest growing subcultures: an Internet Douchebag! Regardless of all the bad press we receive, we fill a very important niche in cyberspace. Without us message board minions wouldn't have anyone to entertain them between meaningful posts, everyone would get bored, and the internet would collapse on itself. Indeed, we're as important to internet stability as electricity.
Now, before going any further you may want to ask yourself a few questions. Do I have the dedication to be an Internet Douchebag? Am I willing to persist in the face of harsh criticism? Can I type in alternating caps until the cows come home? If you answered no to any of these questions you may want to reconsider your choice. If you're still reading, well, welcome to the fine world of Internet Douchebaggery.
Lesson 1: Find your Schtick
Your primary goal as a new Internet douchebag is to develop a distinct online persona that will make people remember your name. The best way to achieve this is to have an annoying schtick that reminds everyone how much they hate you everytime they see one of your posts. One of the most common schticks is what I like to refer to as 'Perpetual Disagreement. For example:
Person 1: Hey all, I just saw the new Spiderman 3 movie and thought it was great. I'd like to hear your thoughts on the film. Thanks!
Person 2: I thought it was great! The plot was absolutely rivetting and the special effects were mind-boggling. I certainly hope there's another on the way!
Douchebag: OMFG U GUYZ ARE SO STUPID THAT MOVIE SUCKED MY HAIRY BALLZ I HOPE YOU BOTH DIE OF AIDS
As you can see, this is one of the simpler schticks to adopt. You simply have to disagree with anything and everything regardless of what you really think. Make sure to throw a few insults in for good measure(tip: typing in caps is always a good idea). Once you've found your schtick, you're ready to move on the Lesson 2.
Lesson 2: Location, location, location!
The next thing you'll need to do is find a relatively populated message board or boards to stalk. Create a username, preferably with alternating caps(ex. yOuRaVaTaRsUcKs37) or your name surrounded by x's(ex. xxx_ThUgLyFe13_xxx), and get to work. You'll want to find the folder or folders that are most often used and strategically insert yourself. It's vital that the folder(s) in question are posted in by others regularly.
Lesson 3: D-Fense! D-Fence!
If you followed my tips and successfully placed yourself right in the heart of the message board, you've probably started to receive a little flak. Those so-called "regular members" surely have their panties in a twist because you crashed the party, and they plan on letting you know that. Not to worry my friend! I've compiled a list of some of the most effective defenses we Douchebags have in our arsenal.
The Logic Slayer: This one is very versatile and will get you out of most binds. Simply crush logical arguements by ignoring them and countering with a scathing insult or threat. Observe:
Person 1: Douchebag, you've caused nothing but grief on these boards. We used to have civil, productive threads until you got here. Please contribute or kindly leave.
I bet the next board minion will think twice before trying to call you out!
The Busy Guy: Some of the board regulars may use your persistant to insinuate that you have nothing better to do than harrass their message board. This is why it's important to establish an air of importance, that of 'The Busy Guy':
Person 1: Douchebag, I'm getting really tired of reading your illegible dribble.
Person 2: Yeah, don't you have anything better to do than post this crap?
Douchebag: w/e u stupid faggots i have 7 parties 2 go 2 tonight and im going to fuck liek 500 bitches while u sit at home and hav sex w/ ur dogs lololololololol
Touche my friend, touche.
Pete and Repeat: One of my personal favorites. Simply refuse to acknowledge any comment while you repeat the same insult ad nauseum:
Person 1: Did you guys catch that Sabres game last night? Man, what a close one!
Douchebag: SUK MY DICK U STUPID WHORE
Person 2: ANYWAYS, yeah, double overtime! I almost fell out of my chair...
Douchebag: SUK MY DICK U STUPID WHORE
Person 3: Hi everyone, I'm new here and was wondering if someone could direct me to the new member introductions folder. Thanks! P.S. That game rocked!
Douchebag: SUK MY DICK U STUPID WHORE
You get the picture.
The Tough Guy: Everyone knows that everyone who uses the internet is afraid of physical confrontation(except you of course!). Put the fear into them by bringing your threats a little closer to home:
Person 1: Douchebag, you're retarded. I can feel my I.Q. dropping every time I read your posts.
Douchebag: oh hahaha real funny smart guy. tell u wat alfred einstine, how about i fly to where you live and kick ur fucking teeth in. would u liek that???? i bounce at a bar on teh weekendz and i kno 3 kung-fu's u stupid gizzlicker. ill be there in liek 20 mins. homo. i hope you have a bodyguard(so i can kick his ass 2)
John Q. Poster is undoubtedly shaking in his pajamas now. Kudos!
Lesson 4: Bringing down the big dogs
Inevitibly the powers that be, known as moderators, will attempt to step in and throw their weight around. It's vital to your success as an Internet Douchebag that you stand strong, lest you appear weak in front of your adversaries. Observe:
Moderator 1: I'm warning you Douchebag, one more complaint about you and I'll drop the bannerhammer on you.
Douchebag: ban me i dont care you dildo eating asslicker. your lucky i have a party to goto rite now or id shove that hammer so far up ur ass youd be tasting hammers for 89769754.3 years
I bet he'll have enough time to ban you after he's done crying from that scorcher.... NOT!
So my friend, now you have an idea of what constitutes Internet Douchebaggery. There are many other tricks and techniques you can adopt to further perfect your Douchebaggery, but I'll leave those open for you to discover. If you've followed my comprehensive guide you should already be banned from your message board of choice. However, you can't stop there. Oh no my friend, we can't stop there. Internet Douchebaggery isn't a hobby, it's a lifestyle, and we're just scratching the surface. Hone the skills you learned in this guide and use them to annoy as many message boards as possible. Unite with other Internet Douchebags to reign terror upon millions of unsuspecting board minions worldwide. Together we can prevail! The world is yours my friend, TAKE IT!
Hear what satisfied customers have to say about this How-to Manual!
"tihs guide made me in 2 teh mann i am 2day. i nvr new illiteracy culd be an asset!
"At first I thought I was just paranoid, but then I found out the Lounge mods really were after me. This guide equipped me with everything I needed to fight back!"
"I was furious when my boyfriend DJAcetone got banned for being a a flaming retard! GenericMind's How-To gave me the courage(and strategies) I needed to get banned too!"
"I wanted to show everyone how much smarter than them I was. GenericMind's guide helped me do that and acheive a ban in less than a month. Thanks GM!"
"Even my Opimal Performance Training couldn't have prepared me as much as this guide did for the task at hand. I was such a dicksmoke I had to change my username!"
"If it wasn't for this guide I would have never had the courage to try and troll CE&P. They all called me a loser and made fun of me anyway, but I earned an 'A' for effort!"
"I used to think shoving Opiates and Benzos up my ass was the only way I could function in society, but GM's guide taught me I can take on the world (mostly) sober! Thanks GM!"