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    The Dark Side Anonymous Posting Thread 
    #1
    Bluelight Crew B9's Avatar
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    Use it wisely please !

    [Edited due to changes over time - this is how things work:

    Quote Originally Posted by zophen
    This is for use if you're in a situation in which identifying yourself could cause a potential negative reaction or fear of that happening.
    Quote Originally Posted by TheLoveBandit
    Change of policy - you may now reply with unregistered anonymity (as a guest) and it will appear immediately. But if you make your own thread, it will still require approval before appearing in the forum. Thank you for you patience and understanding.
    Quote Originally Posted by n3ophy7e
    Update - All posts in this thread are now require manual approval by a senior staff member, but will then be viewed and answered accordingly.
    /edit]
    Last edited by Bob Loblaw; 04-06-2013 at 16:51.
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    #2
    Tracy79
    Guest
    Ninja
    I wanted to post this anonymously instead of in TDS so I figured this would be the best way. My BF is a great guy with a big heart, but he is so vengeful a lot of the times. If we argue he goes too far, and then he is the first one that wants to make up. I am so tired of the things he says when he is mad, because even though we make up and it is in the past, I can't forget. How can you live with a verbally abusive BF because you love him. If I don't give him unconditional love now why he is in pain, I think, could change him forever. If I can love him good enough, I will save him. Sort of like I could warm his cold heart with an unfamiliar feeling of belonging. I never had that and I want to go for it, but he is wearing me down. I often wonder if anyone lets their guard down anymore. I want to trust that he will except so many wrongs that he had growing up, so many pains and hurts in his gut that I want to show him it is safe with me, I am just sickened with sadness over his mental pain. His idea of his self worth. Why don't they see the man I do. He is so broken, spirit shifting memories in his eyes, can I save him or will he pull me in his mass of thick despair and destroy me? Do I have a choice can I live with my decision if he is lost forever. As for what I deserve, well, I have came to far, but he is a good guy, just lost. Then of course I love him with all my heart, but is love enough in all cases. But then again I am not asking for everything to be easy. or even work to that matter, but.............I guess, I would just like to get a happy ending this time. You know?
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    #3
    Bluelight Crew B9's Avatar
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    ^Communication ~ commmunication !! BOTH ways ~ if he has personal problems he ought to be able to try to work that out with you, and on his own ! They are HIS problems ~ This guy sounds full of fear about something ~ conflicted ~ if he doesn't actually take steps to TRY to alleviate whatever it is that causes him distress and frustration ~ then NOTHING will change !!!
    This isn't acceptable (I read between the lines your patience is running out) ~ you need to know if he can move forward !
    a) Can he see anyone elses point of view without getting worked up about his own ~ if not you're in trouble .
    b) If he can see your POV (be kind ) then he ought to try to seek help for whatever ails him ! No guarantees~ but without trying ~ no future !
    Good luck !
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    #4
    Bluelight Crew stellablue's Avatar
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    ^ I agree with Zophen. He sounds as if he is really suffering, but you can't let him destroy you. Stay strong, and talk to him and see if he sees your POV.
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    rehab and work- best way to have both? 
    #5
    louie the fly
    Guest
    I have decided to go to rehab mainly for amphetamine addiction but to get healthy and quit basically everything.

    I talked to an on line councillor who advised, at my level and time of usage I need an 8 day in care stay at a facility near me, either that or a supervised at home care stay.

    Problem is at the moment i can not get time off to do this. I dont want to tell my boss the issue and dont have enough leave to cover it and not enough staff are around anyway.

    This has to happen. I have made too many fucked up decisions and cant see myself ever improving my life the way things are now.

    So rehab it is, i was hoping for an alternative option that would allow me to work and not have anyone I know know about it.

    My heart is broken. I have let myself down and have let others make me believe I am worthless and let them treat me that way. This is no way to live life.
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    Depression, Doctors, and Diagnosis. 
    #6
    Anonymoose
    Guest
    Hello everyone, time for my first post to TDS, although I've spent
    a while reading around, and BL in general, the time has come to
    ask for some advice and help.

    I'm posting this anonymously, just to see what sort of responses I get.
    I'd be happy to talk to people in PM (respond in the thread and I'll talk to
    you), but I'd rather keep this somewhat anonymous in general. (yeah yeah,
    I'm paranoid ).

    First, a little background: I'm 24, and a final year engineering student.
    For a long time now I've suffered from a variety of conditions (self-diagnosed
    as possible depression, amongst other things), and I'm looking for the
    best way to seek help and treatment.

    The most prominent symptom is that of chronic laziness and apathy, to the
    extreme of almost self destruction. I find myself procrastinating over
    even the simplest or most important tasks, often ignoring them entirely
    in the hope that they'll eventually go away. Sometimes this works, but
    recently this is causing more and more of a detrimental effect to my life.

    I rarely manage to get up at a time I've set, and can quite easily spend
    whole days in bed, reading or daydreaming, or just sleeping an awful lot.

    Sleeping is also an issue, with typically an hour or more in a dark room,
    lying in bed, trying to sleep with thoughts (usually negative ones) racing
    through my head, reinforcing negative self image.

    My professional (ie: work for money) and academic work have suffered a lot
    due to these problems, to the extent of disappearing (here today, gone
    tomorrow, no warning to my boss) from 2 jobs now, as well as a horrific
    attendance record at university and general low marks from procrastinating
    right up until the deadline, before a mad rush to actually get something done.

    My best guess for the reason for this procrastination is some form of denial,
    where I can put my mind to other, more enjoyable things, and not think about
    those which I find less appealing, regardless of how essential they might be
    in the longer term. Short term happiness (or at least temporary freedom from
    misery) is all, at the cost of any long term goals I keep trying to work
    towards.

    The problem with denying and ignoring these problems is that they build up,
    and get worse and more difficult to deal with as time goes by, leading to
    denying them further, and building up my levels of stress and self-loathing.
    (Levels of stress which are now leading to chain smoking, possible ulcers,
    and near constant headaches, paranoia and anxiety)

    On top of those, I find myself with various strange compulsions, which until
    recently I thought were unique to me, but from finding some random thread
    here, seem to be trichtotillomania (compulsive hair pulling, in my case
    specifically towards those growing from spots or moles), and dermatillomania
    (skin picking).

    During childhood, I developed some form of infected follicle problem, mostly
    around the shoulders and upper arms. To me, they are very satisfying to
    squeeze and pick at, especially when they 'pop' and emit the premature hair
    and follicle goo (sebum?). Unfortunately, this has now spread to my lower
    arms, and possibly also my legs. I have very scarred (not visibly so, just
    a thick, painless layer of skin) over my arms, as well as an almost complete
    lack of hair (in contrast to the rest of my body). Over the years, I have
    developed almost a 'farming' technique, with a knowledge of which will
    be the most satisfying, and which to leave for longer. There is a definite
    satisfaction there, and random urges to start doing it, even in company or
    other awkward situations. Sometimes one is enough, sometimes (usually in
    private) I have to search the whole of my body and get every last one of them.

    As I hope I've made clear here, these are some seriously damaging problems,
    and are leading to my deteriorating health, both physically and mentally.

    I find myself very bad at talking to people, and routinely organise my life
    in such a way as to avoid as many as possible. As such, dealing with doctors
    and trying to get help for this has been somewhat challenging. I have
    attempted on two occasions so far to talk to (different) doctors at my
    local GP, and gotten very little out of it. I try to describe these symptoms,
    (although getting through it all in a 10 minute appointment can be tricky)
    and the responses so far have been:

    * Give up caffeine -- If I am to stand any chance of getting up in a morning,
    I have to get out of bed the moment I wake up, and fill myself full of coffee.
    I tried to quit this, and neither was sleeping any easier, and I actually got
    less done overall (since I just went back to sleep).
    I managed about 6 weeks before I decided that I needed it to function, and
    went back (although in lower doses, since my tolerance had dropped)


    * Eat more healthily -- I already at a lot of fruit, a reasonable amount of
    veg, and drink upwards or 3L of water a day. I have trouble seeing what
    more I can do, short of supplemental vitamins or something, which I've
    avoided up to now due to cost.

    Those were it. No recommendations to see any form of psych(ologist|iatrist),
    no drugs, no repeat visits. Basically a straight up GTFO.

    I realise now I may have blown it my mentioning my possible hypotheses for
    this (OCD, depression, and that I fit an awful lot of the symptoms for ADD).
    Because this docs is a university student practice, I imagine they get a lot
    of people doctor shopping for fun drugs or sick notes, and because this is
    the UK, we don't recognise ADD in adults (though I can trace similar symptoms
    in my life back to when I was 11-12).

    Finally, I've been a moderate to heavy weed user since my second year of uni
    (4 years now), with occasional alcohol binges and other drugs (LSD, MDMA) on *very*
    rare occasions (lsd maybe twice in a year, MDMA usually 1-3 months between
    usages).

    I could go on some more about my drug usage, but this post is already
    waaaaaaay too long, so if anyone wants to know, I'll add it in later.
    Suffice to say that I suspect my drug use is symptomatic of my other problems,
    rather than the other way round.

    My questions are this:

    * Who should I be talking to in order to get some help with these things? I
    can't afford healthcare except that provided under the NHS, which implies my
    local GP, or the hospital.

    * What should I tell them? Especially concerning my drug usage. Do they need
    to know in order to make a reasonable diagnosis, and does that outweigh
    the implications of having such things noted in my medical records?

    * What shouldn't I tell them?

    * Does anyone else here have similar problems to any of these, and if so, how
    do you deal with them?

    Thanks, and apologies for a very long post.
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    #7
    Hmm. I'm not in the UK, so I can't really advise you on how to get help....in Australia, it's possible to get counselling for free, albeit with a fairly significant wait. It's also common here for universities to offer free or means-tested rates for their counselling services - I'd be surprised if there wasn't something similar in the UK, as these services primarily exist to allow psychology masters/PhD students to gain experience. I'd call your university and see if a similar system exists there, if you haven't already.

    I do think seeing a psychologist would be a good option. You can at least obtain a diagnosis and then decide whether you want medication - in which case you'll have to see a psychiatrist or go back to a GP. Just remember that GPs often aren't trained as counsellors and, unfortunately, sometimes have no desire to act as such. Did you recieve any diagnoses at all from the ones you saw?

    The suggestions they gave regarding caffeine and diet were good, but perhaps unnecessary considering you already sound like you're living a fairly healthy lifestyle. I'd certainly think about quitting the weed though, even if just temporarily - it increases anxiety for many people, which is at the root of impulse control disorders such as trichotillomania. Stopping MDMA might be a good idea too - your usage falls within what's generally considered moderate, but everyone reacts differently and if you have any underlying mental illness it's possible that even infrequent use could be exacerbating it.

    As far as admitting your drug use goes, it's a tricky decision to make. A concrete diagnosis can't be made until they're sure it's not caused by drug use, which makes honesty very important. At the same time, I know from experience what a convenient excuse drug use can be for some doctors - it's an easy way to write off other causes and get you out of their office. My advice, though, would be to tell the truth and if you feel you're being treated improperly because of it, find another doctor. Good ones are out there, I promise.

    I hope someone with more experience in UK mental health can help you. If you want to talk more about any of this stuff, please feel free to PM me. I can relate to quite a lot of your symptoms and know how hard it can be.
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    #8
    Quote Originally Posted by louie the fly
    My heart is broken. I have let myself down and have let others make me believe I am worthless and let them treat me that way. This is no way to live life.
    It's not.....but you've made the decision to seek help and for that you should be proud. You might have let yourself down in the past, but you're certainly not doing so now.

    Is there no way you can take time off from your work over this period? 8 days isn't a long time. What does your employment contract say regarding taking leave?
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    #9
    Quote Originally Posted by Tracy79
    I wanted to post this anonymously instead of in TDS so I figured this would be the best way. My BF is a great guy with a big heart, but he is so vengeful a lot of the times. If we argue he goes too far, and then he is the first one that wants to make up. I am so tired of the things he says when he is mad, because even though we make up and it is in the past, I can't forget. How can you live with a verbally abusive BF because you love him. If I don't give him unconditional love now why he is in pain, I think, could change him forever. If I can love him good enough, I will save him. Sort of like I could warm his cold heart with an unfamiliar feeling of belonging. I never had that and I want to go for it, but he is wearing me down. I often wonder if anyone lets their guard down anymore. I want to trust that he will except so many wrongs that he had growing up, so many pains and hurts in his gut that I want to show him it is safe with me, I am just sickened with sadness over his mental pain. His idea of his self worth. Why don't they see the man I do. He is so broken, spirit shifting memories in his eyes, can I save him or will he pull me in his mass of thick despair and destroy me? Do I have a choice can I live with my decision if he is lost forever. As for what I deserve, well, I have came to far, but he is a good guy, just lost. Then of course I love him with all my heart, but is love enough in all cases. But then again I am not asking for everything to be easy. or even work to that matter, but.............I guess, I would just like to get a happy ending this time. You know?
    ^ i'm wondering what causes him doing that to her ? thanks
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    #10
    Bluelight Crew stellablue's Avatar
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    ^ I was Tracy 79, and I don't know why he would do me that way. I wasn't really sure I could post it under my name at that time because he is a BLer. I wished I knew why he was like that though. I really loved him and wanted things to always work out. We have drifted apart, and I am unsure of things with him and I because I am losing myself in him and thats not cool at all. Time will tell I guess, time will tell for him and I, my friend cucarot.
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    #11
    As for what I deserve, well, I have came to far, but he is a good guy, just lost. Then of course I love him with all my heart, but is love enough in all cases. But then again I am not asking for everything to be easy. or even work to that matter, but.............

    ^ time will definetly tell ...best wishes to you in the mean time Stella .
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    #12
    Bluelight Crew stellablue's Avatar
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    ^ I love you to friend. ox
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    #13
    ^same here. ox
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    HIV... a catch22 
    #14
    An Idiot
    Guest
    Hello everyone,

    I'm a regular poster on BL but this thing is scaring me so much that I thought I'd post it anonymously.

    Almost two years ago, I had my first (and last, to date) sexual experience, it was unprotected, and bodily fluids were exchanged. At the time, I was suicidal and I actually did not care if I got HIV - stupid I know, and as you can see I regret it.

    Not long after that, my mindset changed, and although I'm extremely depressed still, I no longer am suicidal, because of the people I care about. Of course, I regretted what happened.

    Now, it was with a person that I did not know too well, however that person treated me with utmost respect and s/he is living a very amitious life (college, and doing well at it). S/he told me that s/he get tested every 4 months, and that his/her last test was negative, and the test after our intercourse was negaive as well. Now, I know this can all be bullshit, but I just thought I'd mention it.

    To make a long story short, I never got tested (and I'm responsible enought to have avoided any sexual contacts since then).

    The reason I did not get tested is this: I already have very little motivation to live. I'm actually not afraid of a positive in the sense that I'm afraid of dying, but funny enough, I'm afraid of it because of my fear of life! I think if I test positive, the little motivation I have to live will be completely destroyed, and I would kill myself. But if I don't test, I might still end up killing myself because of all the stress not knowing is causing me.

    I know what I did is stupid.

    I'm not sure why I typed this actually - I guess I am just too desparate. I know that I should get tested, and that this would be the only way to find out. But you can see the problem with the info I gave you above.

    Thanks in advance for any input
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    #15
    Bluelight Crew MazDan's Avatar
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    Mate, just get tested and it will solve all your problems..........better to know one way or the other than be beating yourself up over it.
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    #16
    Bluelight Crew stellablue's Avatar
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    ^ seconded!
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    i just don't know what to do. 
    #17
    Unhappy
    Guest
    I know that this is going to sound whiny, and i am aware that there are people much worse off than me. but i just cannot cope at the moment.
    my parents step in and out of my life and everytime that i get myself together they just smash me up again(occassionally literaly)
    and now i face thefact tht my mum is having a fairly serious relationship next week, one that she has a 60% chance of not making it out from, and i don't know how i feel. a huge part of me really doesn't want her to survive it....i know it sounds awful, but after everything she has put me through and let happen to me i just can't help feeling that everything would be better in my life with her dead. and i hate myself for feeling like this. I knw i shouldn't and i do truly love her i just can't deal with this, i can't just push the last 19 years away and play happy families. i can't stand at the hospital and say to her everything will be fine...when i'm hoping with all my heart that it won't be.
    i don't understand why i'm such a horrible person
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    #18
    Unhappy
    Guest
    I know that this is going to sound whiny, and i am aware that there are people much worse off than me. but i just cannot cope at the moment.
    my parents step in and out of my life and everytime that i get myself together they just smash me up again(occassionally literaly)
    and now i face thefact tht my mum is having a fairly serious OPERATION (not relationship) next week, one that she has a 60% chance of not making it out from, and i don't know how i feel. a huge part of me really doesn't want her to survive it....i know it sounds awful, but after everything she has put me through and let happen to me i just can't help feeling that everything would be better in my life with her dead. and i hate myself for feeling like this. I knw i shouldn't and i do truly love her i just can't deal with this, i can't just push the last 19 years away and play happy families. i can't stand at the hospital and say to her everything will be fine...when i'm hoping with all my heart that it won't be.
    i don't understand why i'm such a horrible person
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    #19
    no-body
    Guest
    Hey, dont worry about thinking like that, surely it's only natural for your body to want to protect itself from pain (physical or othe, no matter what causes it). My parents were bad, mother nearly died when i was 7, she had to go into hospital suddenly...even at that age, whilst i didn't definately want her dead, i was kinda hoping it would go that way, though it didn't....even used to wonder if i could blow em both up in their car. And now i'm fully rounded (hum?)

    Surely being angry shows ya fighting and not being sad, so that's got to bwe good
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    #20
    no where
    Guest
    I feel so locked in myself, that i guess here is the only place i can actually get anything out, and if i get shot down in flames, ya don't know who i am - i like this place, it feels safe.

    I really am one of those people who should not have been born, i wouldn't know and would therefore feel loads better (nothing). Every time i think i can't cope with any more pain, heartache, obsticles in my life, up pops more... i feel like i was just put hear to be hurt, maybe as part of some grand plan no-body told me about :-(, i didn't sign up for this, and don't see any point.

    Feels like i've spent a lot of my time trying to live (from about 12), thinking about suicide, fighting everything that's been thrown at me, trying to look after others...i'm tired, was years ago, and really exhausted by Christmas!, when my ex (and longest standing friend) upset me so much, and used all my worst fears against me, my eye's were so swollen i couldn't open them (might explain where some of my self worth and confidence went...oh and ability to trust anyone not to hurt me).

    I saw my GP early this week, as a last resort, and it's just made my week even worse...went to see a phyc nurse who wanted my life history in an hour (that isn't my problem, it's how my brain thinks). She didn't listen and i had to keep reminding her of things i'd already said; it took soo much worry and nerve to get there (1.5 sleep) :-(

    She put my in touch with a Crisis Team....well they called about 8 that night, and gave me their no. to call if i needed it...helped stacks, had another night crying in agony on the floor, telling myself 2 trust in the powers that be to help me get through 1 more night before help came my way...

    No, got called Crisis Team Members were going to visit my house last night. My home is my safe place, away from the world..... So even more stress and worry, with no idea of what was to happen, and feelin so scared, because over the last few days since i saw first saw dr have now bought pills etc ready to stop the pain my way, which is something i've never got supplies in for before, (keep temptation out of reach cos i know my mind in darker moments), but i have no hope left in pretty much anything or anyone, i've only got who i've always had to rely on, and boy i'm giving myself some shit.

    The Crisis Team were gonna call this AM....not heard anything yet....ahhh wtf, go take any shit, see if it helps
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    #21
    no where
    Guest
    phew, well the only thing i could borrow from a friend had other than weed & more speed was Purple OHM's, and feeling slightly more comforted. Why do our minds work against us so....concerned about tonight and fact that i've set myself up....would u guys call the Crisis Team, or ride it out ya own style?

    Thoughts appreciated
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    #22
    Bluelight Crew stellablue's Avatar
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    I know that you were telling us that you were angry at your mother for the last 19 years, and that you felt you were a horrible person. I just wanted to say that when you forgive someone it isn't for them, it is for you. She may not be able to explain or fix the things from the past, but you could do what you have to for peace within yourself. Even if you only forgive her to yourself. I think you talking with the crisis team is a great idea. You are dealing with very serious issues, and you deserve to have people help you that are experienced. I really think you are feeling like anyone in your position would. Hope you're still well, and give me an update, okay?
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    #23
    no where
    Guest
    Feel like i've opened a massive can of worms and i'm SCARED.

    Received a lettter yesterday from the Community Mental Health Team asking me to make an appointment with 1 of their Dr's.... 1 today for an appt tomorrow with a Phychiatrist at the Drug clinic :-(. I should also be going to see my drug councillor for about 2 today, haven't slept, look awful so don't wanna go out...
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    #24
    No where
    Guest
    Wow...just realised that only u guys know, haven't spoken to anyone about it, only the professionals (that i'm now wanting to run away from), wierd

    Thanks stellablue75
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    #25
    no place
    Guest
    do what you have to for peace within yourself.

    ^ the only and only way to do .
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