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Thread: Did you get fucked up at fifteen? . . . ( not really a roll call )

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    Did you get fucked up at fifteen? . . . ( not really a roll call ) 
    #1
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    I'm moving this thread here because I DO think this explores a strong personal philosophy of mine. It was originally posted in the Chill Out Room ages ago, but they are nuking that forum very soon so also I didn't want it to be lost. If you feel this is inappropriate feel free to move it where you think it belongs. Thanks.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    (Disclaimer: Ashke's writing this mildly tripping, bear with her. This will get on-topic. Eventually.)

    You know that very cautious and responsible breed of drug user? Didn't start taking drugs til at LEAST eighteen, probably early twenties? Basically your average Bluelighter. Ideal bluelighter, rather. We nudge the new users on here towards that mold every day.

    But what do you do when you get the little kid who wants your help with harm reduction? Are you going to stop them with an age issue, really? You wouldn't have stopped me. Surely I'm not the only bluelighter who got fucked up at fifteen and felt justified in the attempt.

    I did. I was an experimental girl, okay? And I certainly wasn't afraid of the medicine cabinet.

    Wow check this out, if I eat the ones with the orange sticker of the dizzy looking guy -- I get dizzy! But how dizzy? Well, try one first, duh. How dizzy was that? Go from there...

    It wasn't hard. I was cautious, you know? I didn't want to hurt myself. I just wanted to know what this stuff did. How'd it feel?
    I had it under control.

    I was just playing see, these things HAD to be fun if mom and dad were still hanging on to a script that ran out years and years ago, right? (I was usually right.)

    So I got to know the medicine cabinet and its mysterious contents. My mom was a nurse and I realized she had all these books on her shelf about what drugs do what, and the names didn't always match up but when they did it could be real useful. By thirteen, I had it down.

    Didn't take long to realize that ALL that dizzy stuff was really boring compared to my brother's ADD medicine! Same for these things my mom had to help her... diet? Mom's on a diet? But she still seems so fond of fast food and ice cream! Curiouser and curiouser.

    But who cares what SHE wants it for, coz this stuff has better side effects than that, serious. I mean WHOOOOOOA! I think I wanna go... socialize? And then... do my homework!? Yes, this was definitely some powerful magic here.

    It was more. I felt sharper, capable. Like I'd finally figured out this whole being thirteen with parental expectations thing. You know, "Yatta yatta... not applying yourself.. blah blah blah ... with your IQ scores.. yatta yatta" (Gee, unimaginable that I might use these brains to figure out what a terrible waste of effort junior high is..)

    But okay, they wanted me to jump through these hoops, and when I took this stuff before going to school that day the hoops didn't suck quite so much, I wasn't so shy around my classmates, and I just usually had a much better day in general.

    And I was so careful. Building up a little network of grade school pill swappers, well that was only practical because clearly I liked this stuff too much to keep using my brother's shit without someone noticing.

    But I was concerned with health stuff too. Like how even tho *dieting* seemed a ridiculous reason to take a beautiful drug like dexedrine, it definitely DID cut my appetite down to nothing. But just because I'm taking dexedrine, it doesn't make my body need food any less, right? So I eat at dinner time, even if it tastes like cardboard. Gross, blech... necessary.

    I mean, I wasn't an idiot. You think I did the first line of coke that was chopped for me? Naw, I studied my highschool's elite theatre crowd and their drug habits for a LONG time before deciding to blow the line. And the line wasn't coke, it was meth.

    Meth? Seemed smart. I tried to figure it all out beforehand. But these suburban closet cokeheads, all caught up in glamour and bullshit.. They all acted like meth was just this less intense substitute when they couldn't get good stuff. Meth was just coke lite. I-can't-believe-it's-not-coke! Phah.

    Their attitude didn't make sense to me. From what *I'd* heard, meth was supposed to last a lot longer, and it was far cheaper. And who CARES if it's not a more intense high? The length should make it worth it! I still wanted SOME high -- that ADD shit hadn't been going up my nose just to keep me on task at school.

    Yes, some high was good. But INTENSE high? That might be hard to control. I'm a control freak kinda. I liked these drugs because they put me IN control, see? So let's recap... it's long lasting, cheap, and it will get me high but not 'intense high'. Gosh, meth was the perfect drug!

    I found myself horribly addicted to the shit in a matter of weeks. Weeks!

    I wish I hadn't overlooked the computer as a valid place to learn. God, I wish I'd found something like Bluelight back then. That shit totally took me by surprise. But I couldn't find anyone who would give me a straight answer without giving me a lecture. Anyone with some experience or knowledge to share could have cleared up my misconceptions, given me new things to consider.

    Though it's kind of weird to think of my pretentious fifteen-year-old self trying to hold her own on Bluelight. I mean damn, back then I thought I had my shit together. I'm always so surprised at how MEEK today's Bluelight young'uns are when they try and defend themselves from all the responsible bluelighters riding the 'eighteen and up' high horse. I woulda been all, 'Uhm fuck you, give me information about it or go away!' TOO YOUNG TO CONSIDER IT? You don't know me. I'm mature for my age. I'm so careful. And I consider EVERYTHING.

    Sometimes I see ghosts of Miss badass knows everything fifteen year old me. I'm both frightened and fond of her. I will do anything for her.

    Those little girls bouncing about asking for paper and pens in the line outside a party that requires seventeen and under to bring a parent permission slip. You know, if she doesn't use mine, the guy behind me will fork one over. Miss badass knows everything has decided for herself that she's getting into the party no matter what... Will she behave? Dunno. Have my pen, darling. Have a wonderful time.

    They aren't always so brave as the Miss Badass I was. The boy who couldn't meet my eyes as I taught him how to bleach a needle. "Can you teach me how to do this so I can show my friend how?" Sure thing kid. I used to watch my boyfriend do it. But he was a dumbfuck, you or your friend or whoever should get a hookup on clean picks.

    Oh, and on New to XTC? I see ghosts everywhere.

    They're coming to me with these questions on how to be safer.. What went wrong? Wasn't I right about this? I thought I understood... Is this normal? Can you help me?

    And of course they're questions I've answered a BAZILLION times earlier that past month. Same dumbfuck topics wrapped up different flavors of teenage badass 'tude. And my answers may get tedious to my own ears, but how can I stop reacting? How can I withold something that might help?

    So I stop. I take a moment.

    Do it like this. Don't mix those! Don't take so many next time, christ! Like this. Let me help. Again. And again. Same topics return from new, grammar-impaired children.. same dumbfuck questions I have to answer. Gladly. Like this, kid. Let me show you.

    ~*~ Ashke ~*~
    [This message has been edited by Ashke (edited 17 June 2000).]
    [This message has been edited by Ashke (edited 27 October 2000).]
    Last edited by PsychoKitten; 07-01-2004 at 04:05.
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    #2
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    I used to get fucked up a hell of a lot more when i was 15. But i used to do it during the day and hang around in the centre of town. It was mostly lighter refill gas (Butane) serioulsy fucked up shit if you take a lot and only 1.69 a can that you could pass around 3 people for about 1.5 hours.
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    #3
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    I drank, smoked (cigarettes and pot), and used nitrous (scarfing whip cream cans). Most of my freinds used meth, but I stayed clear of that until I was 18. I knew people my age who rolled when I was 15, (It was in 1995) but I didn't know shit about E at the time, so I passed on that , not just because I didn't have that much money.
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    #4
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    ashke-- don't feel so bad! the first experience i've ever had was tripping(acid, 2 blotters[unknown kind]). this was when i was 13. the great ganja came shortly afterwards, followed quickly by other hallucunogens( shrooms, mesc, etc.) it was only a matter of time for the great(and EVIL)coke to enter my life! "i'll never touch the shit!" YEAH RIGHT!!! meth and glass followed, but i never really liked the stuff(tho my old habits still find there way to me from time to time ) anyway, ecstasy came with the rave scene, at 16, along with an assortment of uppers and downers. drugs i can't even pronounce. luckily, tho, there is hope! i've found myself very calmed down when it comes to drugs. tripping now spiritual, rolling is actually a good time again, and weed, well, i never had a problem with it in the first place! i feel like i'm senslessly babbling at this point, so i will take my leave. i hope this cheers you up to some extent! P*L*U*R
    ------------------
    Lord, what fools these mortals be!
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    #5
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    I so feel what you're talking about Ashke.

    When I was younger I discovered dexadraine before anything. A friend got some and didn't want to take it so he'd hand me hand fulls every few weeks. I was in... 9th grade? I loved it. But really didn't know why.

    I then discovered codiene through perscription. I abused that to it's fullest. Finding ways to extract the codiene then dosing very very high doses of it and listening to music in my room. Still very young.

    Then someone crashed into our car and I discovered muscle relaxants. Flexeril, and other ones I cant remember the name of. Flexeril was my abuse drug of choice.
    Still had never smoked weed or drank or done anything illegal drug wise.

    Then I got ahold of some valium. I stole it from my dad's perscription bottles and found that my mom had vicoden perscriptions... I stole those too. I spent my 9th and 10th grade years very fucked up on opaites and depressants at school. When summer came around I never really did any drugs. School just really bored me so sufficiently and entirely. I still pulled 3.8 GPA... totally high.

    Then I figured on trying weed. My friend and I got ahold of some very easily. Our first time smoking it we didn't know how much to smoke or when to stop smoking, so we got severly fucked up and I had a horrible experience, felt like I was dying and that I was melting away. ... I was stoned, and didn't know what to do . Finally we got used to it, after 'revisiting' the weed after a long long break.

    Then I was a stoner for about 5 months.

    Then I discovered mushrooms and the world around me changed. I was a changed person.

    But I wasn't changed enough and i forgot what the mushroom had taught me. Unluckily for me (and my liver/kidneys ).

    Soon I became jaded again and at 17 I finally drank my first alcoholic drink. Which is strange cause I hung out with the punks for a large majority of my highschool life (lots of beer, just non for me until this point). Then I took beer to excess every weekend. and of course at school during break, lunch, before and after school. Throw in some pot, but by now I was 'done with pot' and moving on.

    My good friend Liz told me to "eat this pill, it's ecstasy" and invited me to a rave. I didn't know anything about E. I had no idea... I really had no idea. So then summer started, and every weekend I would dose E once or twice and go to parties continually. I became a raver .

    Through the rave scene I found low doses of acid, but it never really 'got to me' until ... this weekend. *refer to post in chillout room*.

    So then I revisited the mushroom, and THIS time I remembered what it showed me and I wrote it down so I wouldn't forget. I didn't want to lose it again... I didn't want to lose what the mushroom had given me...
    but I did.

    I found crystal. Ecstasy had left me, and it wasn't working anymore. I did crystal to 'just try it once'. Try everything 'once'. right? Right ashke? just once...

    I got to a point where I knew I was addicted. I still will never admit to it... I don't/didn't have a problem. but I had to use salvia and mushrooms and weed and strong strong mental suggestion to just CURB the crystal-mental-attachment. it's still there, and i will again 'replenish' myself... sometimes it really hurts me on the inside that I can't make it go away... sometimes I get depressed and cry, and sometimes I say 'fuck it all'.

    and everything went really fast while I was on crystal. my life, my friendships, my thoughts, and my feeling... went -away- really fast.

    But through it all I strode. Thinking I was ok. Then I dose mushrooms again. and THIS TIME hopefully I will remember -it-. THIS TIME, hopefully I will be able to save myself?

    Then came Salvia. A short visit, it's ALL you need, salvia does not fuck around when it comes to 'showing you what the fuck is up'. . I would have to say that I 'swear by Salvia'... it IS.
    now it's weed and opium. something to curb the bordem, but not to an extreme, and rarely do I smoke/use opium.
    then came high dose acid *again, refer to chillout room post* and everything I thought I knew about lsd flew out the window and I disapated into the dirt and sky. I feel no pressing need to revisit the acid experience for a long time, but know that I need to go back a few more times through my -life- to remember that feeling, and to re-read the book that is lsd.

    stimulants are my weakness

    opaites are my simbiosis

    and it all started with perscriptions

    and it al started when I was 15

    Pyro

    PS: I love you ashke (tell loupy I love him too). I feel you even so far away
    ------------------
    --------
    Frequency. Music. Sound. Imagination. Reality. Worlds. Hope. Love. Communication. Common Sense. Community.
    Last edited by PsychoKitten; 07-01-2004 at 04:07.
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    #6
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    sho nuff did
    Started drinking and smoking out with I was 11, First fried at 15 and first rolled at 17.
    That is my experience, not as extensive as most I'm sure.
    ------------------
    1 lifE 1 lovE so thErE can only bE 1 kEEEng

    [
    [This message has been edited by rollingonx (edited 22 June 2000).]
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    #7
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    Wow Ashke,

    Your story is incredible, but not unique as Pyro has shown us. At any point, were you mad that you started this? Did you ever blame anyone else?

    I began drinking at 13. That was the biggest mistake of my life. It pretty much ruined my teenage years. I can't ever have them back and it sometimes hurts to think about the pain I must have caused my family. Like pyro, dspite the drinking, I managed to do well in school and I graduated 3rd in my high school class. But I was going to first period hung over or still drunk and then home during lunch with my best friend Nancy to raid her big sisters supply. I don't know if I liked drinking to feel messed up or just so I didn't have to feel anything at all.

    I didn't try pot until college and then that escalated when I fell in love with a pot head. I quit drinking finally when I was 19 but smoked way too much weed for someone my size When I was 22, my bf, the same pothead guy, suggested we try e together. So I did it. I loved it. After taking e, I stopped smoking weed everyday and I cut it back to like once or twice a month, basically only when I would roll. In the beginning of my use, we got very pure stuff. So I really loved it. I hit rock bottom about a year into my e (was using less than once a month) use when I took a bunk pill. I thought I was dying. I think I almost did. My bf and I broke up and that my doing. I think after I hit bottom I needed a fresh start. I miss him all the time, but I think I am better now with out him. The drugs were a real negative influence on the relationship, and I didn't see that while I was in it, only on looing back at us.

    Anyway, I don't know why I am babbling to you about all this, but I do understand your curiousity. My parents are first generation American, they are from the old country and don't believe in drugs to relieve pain so not so much as a tylenol is around my mom's house. It wasn't until after I left home did I do any real experimenting with drugs. Anyway, thanks for listening.

    Love
    Michelle
    [This message has been edited by Dr. Watts (edited 20 June 2000).]
    Last edited by PsychoKitten; 07-01-2004 at 04:08.
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    #8
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    Awwww I'm luvved.

    Y'know... I wish I HAD been experimental when I was 15. But then again, I suppose I'm much better off that I hid in my shell so long. I had too much to face at 15, and I, somewhere, knew that one more distraction would just spin me off into oblivion. It wasn't a conscious thought, like 'oh, if I do drugs I'll like it and get lost.' It was more... just fear. Of the unknown. I had enough on my plate, and I avoided everything else.

    School was already headed down the drain. It was all I could do to keep my sanity, and I'm ever grateful to my friends for helping me there (even if they didn't realize then). It's fortunate that they were sober, cuz otherwise I prolly woulda been in way over my head before I even realized it. Hell, I never even realized there was a *safe* way to do things until I got a brain of my own. Which, relatively speaking, wasn't that long ago.

    Sometimes I wish I did get in the deep end though, just to say that I had some reason for fucking up in school that people would understand. Or just to say that I had an interesting time flunking - sure know some weed would have made due dates easier to handle in class.

    I know I would have just ended up damaging myself further, but then again maybe I would have realized some other things sooner. At the very least, I'd have been outside my shell for a lot longer, and experienced more. But then I guess that's the storyteller in me, just wanting more experience to draw from. Or maybe it's the fact that I knew I was stagnant for 2 years and didn't have much to show for it.

    Still, it's silly to assume that if I was doing then what I'm doing now that I'd just have gotten to where I am that much quicker. I had a lot of demons to fight. And while experimenting might have dealt with some of 'em, I suspect I'd have come away with even more shit to get through. I've still got plenty to get through, and I know, hearing others' stories, that I wouldn't be in a good place right now if I had that much more to deal with.

    Even though I wasn't being fucked-up at 15 (in the drug sense, at least), I still know that if someone had just sat me down and told me how things were I'd have had an easier time of it. Sure, I wouldn't have listened to most of it right away. But then again, maybe someone would have said something that clicked at some point and I'd have come out a little further ahead.

    Then again, maybe I wouldn't have realized "Oh, *that's* why..." until I did anyway. Still, I know if I see a kid tackling the things I did, I usually try and give some gentle pointers. Just in the hopes that they'll have an "Oh, *that's* why..." moment themselves sometime.

    Loupy
    Last edited by PsychoKitten; 07-01-2004 at 04:09.
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    #9
    Bluelighter EbowTheLetter's Avatar
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    The first time I did anything was when I was thirteen. My mother was at the Cape with her sister-in-law, my father was...I have no idea where my father was. I think he still lived with us...maybe not. Anyway, my best friend in the whole world and my brother and I planned this whole night out. Just watch movies and play Super Nintendo. One of them brought up weed, and though I had been vehemently against it in the past, something that night made me say, "Yeah."

    So out to my brother's car we went, and we fishbowled it in the driveway. Not too smart, but hey I was just along for the ride. I had two pipes and a waterbong. I loved the bong. The feel, the sound of the water, how easy the smoke went down...

    The pipes were too harsh so I struck up a relationship with the bong in the back. I was totally fucked and had no clue what I was in for. We went in to watch movies. One of them was one of the evil dead movies...whichever one has the trees that come alive. Freaked me the fuck out. I was seriously crawling up the back of my chair, screaming at my brother to turn it off. So he did, just to put Faces of Death on...I went to bed after that because I was dead tired.

    Woke up the next morning and didn't do anything with drugs for the next two years.

    I was very anti-drug. I thought it was running away from problems, which is kind of funny, because I do that without the drugs. My mom has a lot of problems so she had so many pills in the house it was overwhelming to me. Never took a single one, except a valium or two to sleep. She gave them to me. God bless that...giving your young child (I'd say I was 11 when she gave them to me...had no clue what valium was...)pills to sleep.
    Anyhoo, it wasn't till I was a sophomore in highschool that I smoked again. I was a growing boy and girls started becoming very vivid in my mind. I had also moved out of my mother's house so there was no tension. And without tension, things go slack. Goodbye motivation, hello experimentation. I was 15 when I started hanging out with Sean and Mark, and smoke each weekend we did.

    Then they started shrooming and I always missed out on it (I lived 20 minutes away and none of us had cars.) I finally got to shroom when I was 16 and loved it, but took a break afterwards.
    My grades kept getting worse and I just sunk lower into a depression. Apathy ho. When I was 17 I smoked A LOT, almost every day. Then I saw my friend Mark just become a vegetable from a nice mix of depression and drugs. I cleaned up my act but didn't pull my grades up, so withdrew and got my GED.

    Now I'm at a lovely community college, and am trying to get my grades up because that's my ticket out of this burg. I was re-introduced to drugs by a lovely young lady and she was the one who introduced me to the raving scene and then bid me adieu.
    I've only recently started rolling. I did it once last summer with friends and it was lackluster. The conversation was nice but I think it would have happened anyway.

    Actually, it hasn't even been two months since I REALLY rolled. I'm still not sure how I feel about it, except that I get all tingly and giddy when I think about it. That wears off, right?

    I have no idea why I wrote all that except that it's a lot easier to vent and write to a bunch of faceless, intelligent entities than try to explain this to a friend who hasn't rolled or doesn't enjoy it. Hmm...thanks to any who read this

    Jon
    Last edited by PsychoKitten; 07-01-2004 at 04:09.
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    #10
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    The tingly giddiness might fade sooner or later. It's not necessarily a bad thing, just an end of a phase. Enjoy it while you got it, it makes it last longer.
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    I've always had a little love-affair with self loathing. There have been points in my life when I've worked really hard at it, often very successfully.

    I was never a very happy little kid. My classmates were incredibly snotty, and I was never willing to compromise any of my wishes or personality "flaws" to make friends at school. Instead, I sat there, waited for the end of the day, and ignored my classmates ignoring me. Granted, if I now went to school with little-flux, Iwould probably ignore me too. I was a weird little kid, but whatever. Moving on.

    So I became kind of withdrawn. I had a few friends outside of school - but even so, I got spacey, and sad. I don't even remember much of elementary school. I remember a few key moments, and other than that I just have a vague recollection that I stared out of the window most of the time, and cried at home every day afterwards. It got better in middle school, but not much. I never really expected myself to make friends, and therefore never really tried to do it.

    I guess you would say my turning point was 8th grade (I'm going to start getting to the point....maybe ). In eighth grade I discovered how much fun hating myself could really be. And I threw all my energy into that. I hung out with loser-punk-assholes, I wore a lot of black, I cut myself, I drank, I never raised the blinds in my room. I worked very hard at being sad. I was almost proud of the sickly, empty depressed feeling I managed to maintain for nearly 2 years. A lot of it probably had to do with the fact that I stopped eating almost completely.

    I can't really tell you how that started. I can't even say if I ever even hadan eating disorder. I had the symptoms of one for about 2 years. But I've never really been sure as to how much of it was anorexia, and how much of it was me trying in a bizarro way to hate myself more than I did. I genuinely remember thinking "Hey, an anorexic would do it like this, girl. Remember how you read it? You'd better get back on track if you wanna get this thing." *Sigh* I don't understand it at all.

    Nevertheless, I did a reasonably good job at acquiring whatever parts of the disease I could. I constructed a bizarre network of weird rituals, I counted my ribs daily, I cut my food into teenytiny pieces before I would even think about putting it in my mouth....Hell, I even had a belt that I would wear tightly around my stomach. You know that full, press-on-the-pants feeling you get after Thanksgiving? My stomach pressed on my belt after only three small bites of yogurt or celery or whatever the hell I was eating. That's how I knew I was full....Bleah, I'm going off subject here.

    I did a good job. God, I shouldhave. I mean, I would stay up at night and research. I had stacks and stacks of books, and would take every case study as possible tips....In any case, by December in 8th grade, I was most definitely wasting away. I was down to about 95 pounds and would faint weekly. I had constructed the perfect empty-depressed-hole for myself and I loved it.

    Somehow I got out of it, don't really know how. I just started eating a little more one day, and slowly my eating became fairly normal. I'm willing to admit that I'm still a little disappointed in myself, sadly enough.

    Nevertheless, that didn't mean that I got out of my happy-when-depressed funk. And a while after the eating disorder thing, I discovered drugs.

    Not to say that I've ever had any huge drug problems. I haven't. I had a period where I wouldn't even get out of bed with out chemical assistance from amphetamines, but they're amphetaminesfor Christ's sake. So, no, I would never say that I had any real problems....Still, I managed to recreate some of the same feelings tht I got from not eating with drugs. The shitty, empty feeling. I feel justified coming down from things. It's somehow right that I should feel so awful. I like being e-pressed. I like comming down from a long acid trip and seeing how bland, and ugly, and colorless the world is and hating it, I like the feeling I get after tweaking too long and too hard and being the last one up and knowing that I did a great job at killing all the cartilage in my nose and that I lost that 10 pounds because of meand my unhealthy drug habits. I enjoy being a smoker. I enjoy not feeding myself well(in a non-anorexic way....I think). I....well, you get what I'm trying to say.

    Yeah, I'm a little smarter now than I was in 8th grade. Or maybe I just like myself more. Cuz as much as I would have liked it, I never developed a real drug problem. Bizarre as that may sound to most of you, hopefully some of you will get it.
    Glad that's off my chest.

    ------------------
    Those who find ugly meaning in beautiful things are corrupt without being charming. flux@bluelight.ru
    [This message has been edited by flux (edited 22 June 2000).]
    Last edited by PsychoKitten; 07-01-2004 at 04:10.
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    #12
    Bluelighter Mr. Sticky's Avatar
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    ...almost as if being depressed or mired in self-hatred is a security blanket. You may toss it aside to do a few things here and there, but inevitably, like on a cold autumn night, you wrap yourself back up in it and feel...warm.
    I had an incredible acid trip about 8 years ago in which I realized that I was more comfortable being unhappy than happy; the comfort of it was strangely soothing...half melancholy, half sentimental, and wholy me. I would induce the feeling whenever I could...clutching it near to me...I actually felt the physical sensation of warmth inside of me. Shit, I had to find comfort in it, since as a child it was something I experienced on a frequent basis.
    Our strongest defences as children become our greatest detriments as adults. Always be conscious of that, sweetheart.
    Thank you for sharing; it dredged up old memories that I haven't visited in far too long.
    ------------------
    Order the fries, earthling!
    [This message has been edited by Mr. Sticky (edited 21 June 2000).]
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    Hmm...maybe when my tingly giddiness fades, I'll stop rolling. I honestly feel like a kid on christmas morning (Before I found out that Santa Claus was not real...my parents overslept and they had all of these gifts in THEIR room from Santa...and we all know Santa delivers to trees only) everytime I think about it. I was reading the roll tricks thread and could NOT stop grinning (that and my three new tick comics )and I realized there is so much I want to do with e, and hopefully acid...
    Something's blocking my ability to write anything...and part of that something was dislodged when I first rolled and then a little more at whistle...I know e's more feeling than thinking, but my thoughts were freed somehow...that's why I'm trying acid...to see what happens there...I think happiness will ultimately set me free, or freedom will ultimately make me happy...Either way, I'm starting to enjoy life and myself.
    Jon
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    #14
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    I am 15, (16 in just over a week).

    Though i'm not *quite* sure on what came first for me, i think i smoked pot before i drank, smoking was at 12. Later that year i started drinking.

    I had dexies in year 10, have never been a full-on taker, just very occasionly.

    I stuck with drinking and smoking (mainly smoking, as both my parents smoked and it was easy to get. I've always been allowed to drink and smoke pot) till about mid last year when i went wizzing (as a matter of interest i only snort, and will never inject)
    E'ing came at the start of this year.

    I tried whippits a few months ago, and t'ing a few weeks back.
    I do well at school, i don't take things without researching them and i don't take e's/wizz if i can't get it from my regular dealer, or trusted other.

    I have an older sister, almost 19, with whom i discuss any drug-related matters i'm not sure about with, i don't mean to sound like the '15-year-old know-it-all' but i've always been pretty clued in when i came to drugs, i grew up that way, and i'm not so into getting high that i don't care how i do it, which is why i really do thoroughly check out what i'm taking.

    I consider my approach to drug use fairly mature, i know that it is not advisable to take drugs at my age (or at any age for that matter, but particualrly when young), but that is how it came about for me, i grew up in a druged environment and see no harm in my indulgences every so often. I never tried anything because of peer-pressure or other outside influence. I lead a normal life for someone my age, dotted with the recreational safe use of drugs.

    I look at some people my age, and even older, at raves and think 'they're too young for this', when i say young, i don't mean age in years, i mean mature age. Some people go out with the aim of getting TOTALLY FUCKED UP, they will take whatever crosses their path to achieve their aim.

    Seeing young people on drugs can be upsetting because youth is associated with ignorance and recklessness, this is often the case. Most of them don't know what they're doing, and abuse the drugs they take, i see people that are in their 20's doing this, and that is just as sad.

    That turned into quite a rant... but thats my story (and my life thoughs thrown in). I put it as straight out as i could. In a way i feel older than the 15 year old you talk of because things as you, but then i remember i'm the same age as them... i must sound very pretentious but it's how i feel... hope you can understand, if not... well that's still me.
    Last edited by PsychoKitten; 07-01-2004 at 04:10.
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    #15
    Bluelighter
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    Nemo --> I understand. That's like... the whole POINT of the post, luv. I see these people on bluelight all scolding like 'I waited til I was over 18 to roll and so should all of you!' But it just doesn't work that way. That mentality doesn't help with harm reduction as I practice it.. YMMV of course.
    ~*~ Ashke ~*~
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    #16
    Bluelighter EbowTheLetter's Avatar
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    down with ageism, up with drugism.
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    #17
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    Hehe it's funny reading all your stories, me, being a 15 year old, getting fucked up, responsibly ofcourse :P. This year has just been a huge experimentation year, my first year of high school. I mean I had never done anything before high school. I had my first drink on New Years 2000, had my first roll a month and a half ago, got layed for the first time, smoked weed for the first time, and hopefully if I can get some, I'll be shrooming and tripping before I turn 16.. in 3 months.
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    #18
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    It's like I'm having this thought, and it's going something like, "Hmm. So I tried the 'Hey let's do nothing but sleep until 4 in the afternoon, watch movies, smoke pot, and order pizza, and then have really great sex, and crash out on the bed in the basement.' And then I tried the 'Okay, let's be a responsible druggie. Roll once a month, maybe, smoke pot or drink whenever, just keep your grades and job in check.' And then, now, I've got this 'No drugs drugs are bad what happened to my head where'd it go school is fine, passing, honors... work is happening, and no drugs... where's my brain, why can't I think? Can't do drugs have to get out of this whole druggie lifestyle no more it's over cut off ties with druggie friends and druggie places....'" So I'm thinking about the ways that I've thought for the first half of 2000, and it suddenly dawned on me: Why am I putting all of this effort into staying away from the party scene? What's the point? It was easier being too trashed to worry about much, too trashed be capable of having TRULY intellectual thoughts, and it was SO MUCH EASIER when there were ALWAYS drugs to turn to. Nothing to do? Smoke a bowl. Wanna have more fun? Get a drinking throwdown together. Got cash? Pick up some pills. I've just read everything on this post so far, and I was struck with the realization (again) that ignorance is bliss... and yet I'm still committed to this clean (or mostly clean) thing. I think I think too much. I'm more confused right now than I was after our ritual weeknight pot parties & 24 hour diner trips.
    ------------------
    *~%~*MaryKate*~%~*
    --This is not really happening? YOU BET YOUR LIFE IT IS...--
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    #19
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    **wow**
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    #20
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    i've gotta say that this is one of the most heart-felt threads i have ever seen.
    i always used to think that people who did "bad" (coke, heroin, crack, meth, etc) were insane/stupid. now, i realize that you just approach those the way you approach other drugs.
    they still scare the bejesus out of me, though. =)
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    #21
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    Why would one want to wait until they are 18 to start rolling/doing drugs? I mean, that is utterly ridiculous. Granted, I'm only 17 now, and have been going to parties, but never really got into rolling until a couple months ago, I think that a person, no matter how young they are, should make their own mistakes. If a youngin (lets say, 14-15 years old) wants to try something, let him do it. Why should older people be like "you should wait until you're older". What's the freakin point of that? Who cares if the scolder is 4 years older than the youngin, its not like the scolder is rollin himself. I see that was hypocritical, and I get really pissed off when older people tell me that I shouldn't do E , smoke week, drink, etc. I believe I'm a rather intelligent person and that I know what I want out of life. We all need to live life to the fullest, and if we want to do drugs, then let us freakin youngins do drugs, and let us be damnit!
    ~*Ricky*~
    oh yeh, and Ashke, you have to be one of the coolest people in the world. I like, want to know you Some of the best threads I've read are yours. Ok, I think its time for me to stop sucking up to the moderators, don't you all agree?
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    #22
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    Hooooo boy you guys are gonna laugh at me
    First time I dropped (rolled) I was 22 and it was last year Grew up in the country when all the raves were going off in '88 and '89 and the police were chasing everyone around trying to stop them and confiscating sound systems and stuff......I was always curious but none of my friends were ever into anything more than pot which I smoked first when I was 16.
    I am a total control freak too and thats why I didnt do it I think. I cant deal at all with getting really drunk - I hate it. I used to suffer from massive panic attacks and depression and all kinds of shit - but pills are helping me in a lot of ways. I spose I subscribe to the 'pills changed my life' theory really - panic attacks have stopped and right after I dropped for the first time I finally faced the abuse I suffered when I was a child and dealt with it. I think drugs are a personal experience - moderation cannot destroy you, harm reduction and taking notice of it can save your life. Humans are, by their very nature, discovery animals.....we always want to know whats around the next corner and drug taking is a symptom of that.
    Ashke, thank you for bothering to answer the same questions. Youre not encouraging those younger than us, your saving their sanity and their health - that makes you special in my eyes.
    Lou
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    #23
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    I was in rehab on my 15th birthday (I went in two days before that) and it was my worst birthday ever.
    I have always always always researched drugs, as thoroughly and extensively as I possibly could. In high school (pre-internet) I used a computerized periodical database, with whatever books/magazines/etc. I could find. That's probably the first thing I ever used the internet for, also.
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    #24
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    I was getting fucked at 14 but now I am sober for at least 2 years because that is when my probation is off. I don't go to partys for the drugs I go for the music and to meet new people.peace!
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    #25
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    Sometimes I wish I experimented when I was fifteen.

    Unfortunately I had the "drugs are bad for you" mentality for most of my life, right up until a few years ago. But that's not the point of what I'm going to try and say.

    When I was much younger I never really had any friends my age; I hung out with kids mostly older than me. I kept to myself, I did well in school, I didn't really do anything except go about my own business immersed in my own world. I read quite a bit, mostly to go to another place for a short period of time. I was always that shy kid that doesn't say much.

    Shortly before high school I started to come out of my shell...testing the waters so to speak. Heh, I even made some friends my own age. Then I moved away to another state. To this day I still believe that I would've reached the point where I am now a whole lot sooner had I stayed in my home town. But you really can't hold onto those what-ifs...if you did how would you get any further in life?

    Moving away from home set me back years in the search of finding who I was. Granted I wasn't as shy anymore I just couldn't figure anything out. I made some friends, most of which I don't even know what happened to. Then I went to high school.
    I never really fit in. The area I moved to was fairly well off...You know the kind of place where people only care about how much money you have or what kind of car you drive. Not to say that I didn't have a good life. My parents are still together and care about what I do and I never got the short end of the stick. They gave me what they could and I am thankful for that.

    I had typical friends in high school. Kids I truly thought were good 'friends.' And they were for a while.

    One thing about me is that I think too much. Sometimes I think too much for my own good I think. (see) Throughout my first few years in high school I spent much of it in front of the computer. It was an absolute addiction for me. Freshman year was the year I discovered the Internet and it's been with me ever since, even though I don't spend nearly as much time doing the things I used to do.

    Night after night I spent time on IRC and on the web searching for something. Searching for who I was and why I thought and felt the way I do about things. I had friends over IRC that I really cared about, people I never met. I used to play a lot of those MUSH-type things too. I mean, ALL my time was based around these online friends that I found some connection in. I only hung out with my regular friends so my parents wouldn't ask questions.
    I was unhappy with myself and even I didn't know why. I wanted to be people that I wasn't and could never be.

    Sometime during my junior year I started working at a fairly large ISP. It was about a half-hour from my house in a different town and that summer I ended up befriending two kids about my age (one was a year older the other was my age). To this day I don't think either one of them has any idea how much they taught me without even realizing it.

    The friendship I had with them was geniuine...something I really hadn't ever experienced before. One of them offered me a toke off his bong when I was at his house one night after work. Interestingly enough this was the first time I was actually offered an illegal substance. My disdain for drugs had faded slightly at that point and I really had no feelings of like or dislike. That day I declined the offer but I was left in a curious state.

    Several days later that same kid was smoking a joint on our lunch break at work. Getting ballsy I asked him if I could try it. Heh, I clearly remember timidly toking on the joint he proffered. I had been drunk before (rather sloppily at a party I through while my parents were away), but this seemed a lot more comfortable to me.

    I didn't get really high the first few times I smoked, but I felt something. I began to look at things differently and not to believe everything thing I'm told.

    Taking my new-found interest back to my friends I had had for so long in high school turned out to be a bad call. They actually set me down to tell me I had a "problem" as it was. Kind of amusing as I probably hadn't smoked more than four or five times in about three months time. I was hurt, maybe a little pissed, but hurt more than anything that they weren't willing to accept another view on the issue.

    I spent most of my last year in high school pissed off and hanging out with my new friends in the next town over. I was still friends with the kids from my high school but that was the last time I ever let them know about my weekend activities.

    Halfway through my senior year, one of the kids I used to worked with invited me to try acid with him for the first time. I was nervous when I left to meet him at his house, and I hadn't decided whether or not I wanted to try it. When I arrived at his house some of his friends were there, one of which had some white blotter with pink designs on it wrapped up in a gum wrapper.

    I decided to try it, not really knowing anything about the drug or what it would do. We took it at the same time and I just held on for the ride.

    For the first time in my life I saw kids that were REAL to each other. I was tripping for the first time with people I had never met and felt completely comfortable. I had the most amazing trip. I learned a lot about myself and where I was going that night.
    In the coming months I experimented again a few more times with acid. I also gave mushrooms a shot, again with those same people that indirectly taught me about myself.

    Shortly before I left for college I was given the opportunity to try ecstasy for the first time. It ended up being at a rolling party with some of those same kids I had tripped with so many months before. I experienced the full potential of the drug that night talking with a complete stranger who I can only remember his face and his first name. I delved deeper into myself than I could have ever thought I could.

    I left a week later for school and spent most of my first semester toiling in my own depression aching for what I had lost by leaving home. I slowly began to build a group of friends for myself from all the new people I met, still not really know what I was doing.

    Today I can't explain how close each of us is. It's actually rather baffling to me. I've got something real of my own for the first time in my life. I got a lot more than what I was looking for this past year and I wouldn't trade it for anything.

    I'm still searching for SOMETHING, and I still not sure what that something is...but I do have a better idea where to look. I have a lot to learn in the coming years, but I would have to say that I believe I'm better prepared for it than I was just a year ago.
    Interesting trip life is. Some people talk about how they would do things differently given a second chance. I'd do it the same way.
    I'd like to thank Ashke and Pyro for their posts, and Loupy for inspiring mine. I've never talked to any of you before, but thanks.
    And thanks for listening.
    Finder
    Last edited by PsychoKitten; 07-01-2004 at 04:12.
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