this may be more suited for the words forum, but i thought i would get a better reaction here. i feel that those lurking here in the darkside may understand the following babble...i don't quite know what to call it. a romance with amphetemines perhaps? a love story with speed...
feel free to move me if i don't belong here!
Emotionally she leaves me empty. There is no passion to be found within her icy grasp. She offers me nothing that I do not already have. No insights, no epiphanies, no heartbreak, no laughter. All that she bestows upon me has existed all along. She simply breathes new life into long forgotten passions. She clarifies and motivates. I turn to others to alter reality. To escape for a while. I can recapture lost youth, view the world thru the eyes of a child. Unjaded full of wonderment. I often cloud my head with silly whimsical nonsense such as this. Most substances twist my perspective, she simply sharpens it to a gleaming almost lethal point. She gives birth to a perpetual form of kinetic energy. Energy to focus...clarity in thought. In simple terms stripped of the colorful language, she gives the lazy brain a fresh new jolt of motivation.
I used to take her out with me a lot. Usually on Friday nights. We would dance hand-in-hand till the sun came up...and then some. She quickly grew tired of this. She felt the energy was scattered...wasted. Too much else going on to ever clearly focus. I now only invite her over when I am home alone. We rarley ever leave the house. I don't see her quite as often anymore. That's probably a good thing.
I always take care to treat her with the utmost respect. Do this and you should be able to keep her under control. Use her with certain goals in mind. With direction and intent she thrives. Always proceed with caution. She's got a fine delicate line. Cross it and she is in control. I manage to stay one step ahead of her at all times by being respectful, responsible and always keeping my head. Never trust her and always watch your back.
She preys upon the weak, gaining power and control almost effortlessly. Her presence is strong, forceful and overpowering. At some point she knocks us all down. I've fallen victim to her beautiful deceptions several times. She can be positively dazzling at times. Just downright brilliant. But she's sneaky. She has a subtle way of infecting your mind...infecting your soul...infecting your bloodstream. She slips in quickly..quietly. By the time you realize she is there, she has already curled up and made herself at home. She is like a forbidden love. Your head knows she's all wrong yet she feels so damn good. A sinful indulgence the thrill will bring you back for more. She is lust in chemical form. She will make you crave her....
Once she has you captured, she reveals her true colors. Her brilliant luster is merely a facade. Scratch just a bit beneath the surface to reveal a rotten core. What's that stench? Pure evil. Rot. Death. Addicton. She is ruthless, vile, and unforgiving. Yet she is far from undefeatable, and far from predictable. It is entirely possible to escape relatively unharmed with only minor scrapes and bruises. Other times she'll drain you completly. Mentally, physically, and emotionally. She shows no mercy for the weak.
I have yet to experience the full extent of her wrath. I do not plan to ever. I never let her get too comfortable. I am the stronger one standing at the edge of her line...daring not to cross. Yet others are not so lucky. Let her stay for more then a couple of days and your doomed. Never give her multiple sunrises. Her power seems to double when you head into the 48 hour zone. You cannot hide at this point. She will unleash chaos and wreak complete havoc upon your peaceful little world. Chaos can be quite a destructive force in the wrong hands. Once the chaos takes form, she will then take over your mind. You will see and hear what is not there. Not long after, the paranoid dementia kicks in. If given the chance she will reduce you to an incoherent soulless chattering bag of bones. I know. I have seen it. A tragic mess of freshly picked scabs, mindless babble, and odd-jutting angles has taken the place of what used to be a girl named Nicole.
Getting rid of her is usually not a problem. Sometimes,in my weaker moments, I may let her linger...stay a bit longer then usual. Other times she deliberately may try and overstay her welcome. I simply kick her out then. She's powerless on her own. Like a vampire she gains strength by feeding off of others. Craving and weakness give her fuel. Her ultimate goal is your addiction.
She came knocking on my door about 7:00 P.M. last night. I plan on sending her home with the sunrise. For all her potential dangers, all her rotten insides, I enjoy our time together. I respect her demons...hell i've battled them a few times. I try to keep our visits minimal...few and far inbetween. Twice a month is where we stand at the moment. Each time she leaves I know she'll be back, even though I always deadbolt the door and tell myself different. She'll probably head to Long Beach next. I fear she seems to have taken permanent residence with a few friends of mine. She's wearing them down rapidly. I see thier spirits dwindling...almost nonexistent.No luster, no light. Dull eyes where stars once shone. What can i do? Hope for the best i guess. She will take EVERYTHING from them if they let her. I can only hope they still have some strength, sense, and self-worth left somewhere in those fried little brains of theirs. Recognition and the drive to change..to stop..to fight back renders her powerless everytime. She is drained instantly moments after the first initial confrontation. Even the weakest of souls can conquer..even those flickering on the edge of burnout. It is the dead souls, the virtual jabbering skeletons, the emtpy husks, who have no hope.It is the tragic mess of freshly picked scabs, mindless babble, and odd-jutting angles left in place where a girl named Nicole once stood.
[ 07 September 2002: Message edited by: yoUr bLiSS ]