Ok this all happened during one night. My friend decided to throw a party one night. So i get over to his place and soon afterwards the drinking starts. After a few hours of sitting in the garage smoking bowls and drinking southern comfort i decided to see what was going on inside. I walked in and another friend of mine comes up to me and tells me to go through this door. I go open the door and there is one guy screwin this girl and another guy at the other end getting a blowjob. As soon as the door opened they both turned and started screaming at me to get out. So i turned around and walked right out. I went into the kitchen where i was taking shots and proceeded to watch my friend send person after person into the room. Finally one guy held the door shut.
It eventually got to be almost midnight and my friend (billy) informed us that his dad would be getting home soon and we would have to either move the party or all go home. So of course we decide to move the party. The only place is 20 miles away in another town. So we all pile into cars and vans and trucks and head off. I'm in a van with 8 people. One is passed out and the rest are drunk off thier ass. Before we even got out of town the girl in the seat behind me, who i'll call katie, and i were making out. a little bit later her friend, iris, and my friend, alex are making out. We made out all the way to the the other party. We finally got to this other party and katie and i head for the bedroom. Before anything happens though iris is in the doorway telling her she shouldn't because she was about to hook up with some other guy. She finally convinces her away from me by getting her to make out with her in the living room. So i go out into the living room where i watch these two girls make out for who knows how long. After a while the owner of the house walks in and he is on the phone. He calls to katie to come into the other room like there is someone on the phone for her.
While she was away iris starts talking about how she has to drive home and she needs some coffee to wake up. A kid that was there tells her that if she gives him head he will take her to get some coffee. So she gives him a few bucks for coffee, and they go out to her car. ten minutes later she comes back in and sits down. We asked where her coffee was and she said he went to get it. Then katie walks back out and iris and katie start making out again. After a while my friend alex notices something on katies sweater. He stops them from making out and takes a closer look. Her face and sweater are all wet and crap. So alex says well... its not snot, cuz snot is green... IS THAT JIZZ?!?!?!?! omg i died right there. i knew it was. She kept saying no its just slobber from me making out. Then finally she just said well i dunno. So iris told her she was done making out cuz she didn't want jizz all over her face. Katie looked all dissappointed and left the room to who knows where. I'm assuming to find more guys.. or girls to make out with.
By now its been almost half an hour since iris came back inside. We all realise that she probably isn't going to get any coffee tonight.
So then later that night alex and i are sitting in the living room still and about four or five guys walk thorugh and are putting their shoes on before they leave. Suddenly we hear someone yelling to them not to leave and in bursts Katie. She demands a hug and kiss from them all before they leave. Not knowing what alex and iris and i knew they all gave her a big hug and kiss. EWWWWWWWW Alex and i were laughing so hard we couldn't tell them not to. She got through them all before we could talk again and we decided to just not say anything.
After that the night was pretty much over however.
Another night at that same house was quite interesting. There was a small little party over there. At about eleven a guy and a girl came over. They were on x and wanted to get it on so they decided to come over and use this guys bedroom... So me and my friend kevin, being the crazy dumb assholes that we are decide to stip down naked and rush in the room and make some sorta ruckus to stop them from having sex. So we strip down to our boxers in the basement with everyone else that is there and we all head upstairs with kevin and i leading the way. We get to the bedroom door. Kevin and i look at each other and then grab our boxers, throw them off and rush in the room screaming like fools and rip the blankets off. Everybody rushes in behind us. Kevin and i rush back out to grab our boxers clothes but find that the asshole whose bedroom they were using threw our stuff in the shower and turned it on. So i found a towel in the bathroom and threw it on while kevin ran around the house naked looking for something to wear. He finally found an apron in the kitchen that covered him in front but left his bare ass hanging out all night.
Last edited by PsychoKitten; 07-01-2004 at 10:02.
i was pissed faced drunk out of my tree as was this girl i was hangin with in some other girls house.everyone was passing out except her dad who i think is a majour crackhead and he looks like elvis.
me an this girl go into the chicks siters room and start messin around on some other chicks bed.we get to humping and her dad walks in.says something like "oh your already bangin her!" so im thinkin wtf then he shuts the door.so im humin around trying not to make any noise even though the bed post was hit the wall like crazy.the chicks dad walks in once more and mumbles some more drunk bullshit"not done yet??" so me and this chick are both thinkin this guy is piss drunk and will prolly come back again but we kept at it both drunk and horny.so after about another 10 minutes this guy walks in once again!!he starts talking about jet planes and how the USA has way better army technology than us.all this while im layin on top in between this girl all sweaty and drunk.this guy is talking for at least 10 minutes(feels like 3 hours)then after a while i just act like im asleep, in between this chick.my bone is getting soft by now and this guy fucked off after killing it.chick sucks me off till im jumbo size again and i start pumpin once again trying to bust a nut but low and behold mr.elvis crack head comes back telling us about what he just thought of and im fucking pissed off but im not gonna tell him to fuck off in his own house.he evntually gets a drunkard mood swing and tells us both we have an hour to get out of his house then he fucks of.by now i dont even feel like fucking anymore and i know im too drunk to bust a nut or even realize if i do.so i go to sleep, wake up and the elvis cracker doesnt even mention last night so i dont either but damn was this awkward as hell.
Hahaha. Elvis lives! You fucked Lisa Marie Presley. You banged the same hole that Michael Jackson did.
**this story didn't happen to me, but funny anyway:
a buddy of mine went down on this girl from France, little did he know that she had A YEAST INFECTION so he got some kind of mouth infection from that, yeah nasty as fuck. to add to it, he had no clue about the infection for days after he went down on her. . . started to experience nasty mouth symptoms, so asked his mom about it, Mom did some reasearch and tells him "the only way you can get that honey is from a yeast infection" so he confessed to his mom about lickin' the fungus. GROSS!!!!
**was at my then BF's house, upstairs living room, we were watching a movie unaware that his little sister was in the next room. So we were completely naked sprawled out on the floor fucking really really loudly when she decides to walk in and see what's going on, RIGHT AS HE COMES ONTO MY STOMACH/CHEST, never seen a look quite like that on a little girl's face. she RAN out of there crying!!!
**this one sucked:
My ex and i were going to see a movie, and the next showing didn't start for about forty minutes, we had no gas so we couldn't really drive around til it started so we decided to just chill in the parking lot for awhile. . . so we move the car to a sort of remote area, before we know it clothes are starting to get removed and then we start to have sex. . .
Like ten minutes into it, we notice that there's headlights shining onto our car, which have been there for at least a couple minutes. He looks up to see what the fuck is going on, notices that its a COP CAR. the cop pulls right up to my window as i'm struggling to pull some pants on, he asks us what we were doing (as if he didnt know already, what a weener) and we just said we were . . well, you know. . . .
so we were cited for public indecency, and they called our parents since we were only 16 at the time, it was sooo embarassing.
**My ex-bf and i were going to visit these adult family friends of his (friends of his parents or something) and after awhile they told us that they were about to leave, and if we liked we could chill at their house til they got back since we had nowhere else to go. They were really cool and said we could just watch tv and make some food if we wanted. so we really abused this offer, we fucked all over their house, in their bed, in their hot tub, on the kitchen table (which is where we were when they happened to walk in!!!!) had to explain that while tryin to get dressed, which was extremely mortifying, I could not even look them in the eye!!!
okay...well we where in bed me and some girl and she's like "lick my finger" i said "ok then you lick my balls" so we agreed on that so shes licking my balls right..shes on her back and i but em in her mouth ..when all of a sudden i let one loose right on her ...funny thing was all she did was laugh and kept doing it....
Me and my ex were fuking and i couldnt be fuked really and wasnt wet at all! So while his attemptiong to turn me on we put his cock in and 3-4 pupmp he screams pulls out and a see blood everywer!!
Poor thing ripped his foreskin because i wasnt wet enough and bled for like 4 hours straight LOL i couldnt stop loughing !!! we couldnt fuk for acouple of days after that.
There was a shit load of blood but was soooo funnyy he even put a fukin pad on in his jocks so it doesnt bleed after 5 hours of blood bath
this is funny shit.....i love hearing embarrising sex stories
Anyways, I have a few to tell.
First time with this one girl. It was her first time EVER and we started havin sex and then outta no where, her drunk dad burst in the door and said "what is going on here". I covered my self with the blanket and so did she. I said "do you mind??" and he just kept telling me to leave.Later that night, he walks in on my friend and his woman. What a bad night to be him .
Another time I was gettin busy with this hotty on my couch in the basement,and out of no where, my brother walks in the room and sits down on the computer.I didnt care wehter he was there or not, I was gonna fuck this chick till she cummed.We kept going and he was still there. Finally about an hour later, she says " im done" , so I finish things up and all the while my brother was right there .Thats a good one.
This one takes the cake. Same chick as the first story. We were having sex in my bathroom and we go at it for a while and we were on the floor. Soon , that got uncomfortable and she suggested that we move to the sink or the toilet.We both stand up and i look down at my dick,and im not wearing the condom anymore .I look at her and ask where the condom is, "Im not wearing it" i say, "Well neither am I", she says. I take a deep breath and go searching for the lost(chocolate flavored) condom. A few minits after beginning the search, i find it and pull it out.
Thats when we stopped having sex .
Hope you enjoy me stories
ok so me and my lady are out at a beautiful lake in the woods with a bunch of friends having a good time when we get the urge so we both go hiking down a path looking for a good spot to fuck. so we get to a spot high on the mountain looking down a waterfall in a corner where we thought no one would see and go to town. her back up against a tree with 1 leg in the air and me pounding her like there is no tomorrow when i see out of the corner of my eye a jogger running down the path about 15-20ft away. well im not going to let that stop me cuase i just don't care so i keep going like nobody is there and she doesn't know cuase her back was facing the jogger so its all good. well... about 3-5 mins later the same SOB jogged even closer to use cuase i guess he wanted a better look, i mean he was close enough to touch us as he ran by lol. we both looked at eachother and laughed cuase i mean not like we know him or will ever see him again but im sure he was telling his buddies what he saw jogging. we didn't finish but it sure was great while it lasted and to this day we laugh about the jogger that needed a second look.
havent got many funny stories but had to laugh at some of the ones here. Fanny farts crack me up... quaffing or something someone called it. My first serious g/f had some body issues (she was gorgeous by the way) and dint really like doggy style at first (she thought i was pulling faces ??lol) anyway one day were really getting into some doggy style action and she lets rip with a loud fanny fart.... didnt get doggy for a long time after that.
me and my GF were on a kayaking / paddling trip in a lake district (outdoors rule!). suddenly the rain began pouring down as hell, so we all got wet. I decided to stop at nice meadow, and dry ourselves. So, we've found the place, just on the river bank
undressed, I got horny, she started to ride me with
boobies clearly visible. Suddenly there's a whole bunch
of other kayakers going down the river, enjoying the sightseeing and laughing off their asses
nevertheless we decided to finish it, and wait
to have them well ahead of us
Ehhhhhhh the night started soo good, i was going to get....a threesom.
We were all young and drunk and in the park where there were two sluts. They were hooking up and stuff when my mate go's "whos gona give this guy a blow job?". I looked shocked but quite because one might agree. "il do it" says one. "No il do it" says the other. After a small argument its decided. "we will both do it".
So we wondered away and into someones garden, i un did my belt and one chick went down. I was feeling the other one up and she got undressed and the one giveing me head started doing this deep throat thing. I remember feeling the second girls boobs where there was this sound. The sound was
I felt the splash of vomit go over my member and down into my pants, which were only just open. The second chick said "im not touching you now" and walked off. The first chick cleaned me up and i left and went home..with jocks full of vomit.
alrite so i was a virgin. and i had the house to myself. and this girl calls me upi and says she wants to come over. and i knew that she was coming over to fuck me, so i go get some condoms. im kinda nervous. she comes to my house we smoke some cigs and talk. then we go in the kitchen to the liqour cabinet and just start chugging everything in sight.
needless to say i got so druck and she was drunk too. so i like carry her up the stairs and throw her on my bed and we start maiking out. then the clothes come off. then we get under the blankets and im fingerbanging her. i dont think i was doing it very good tho cuz she looked like she was in pain. then she takes my pants off but im not horny yet. she gives me a handjob but it just wouldnt go up. so the. i try humping her and nothing would get me hard she even sucked me off. so then im there trying to beat off to get a boner. nothing would work. it was weird cuz usually im a pretty horny ass guy. anyway we didnt even fuck. and i was embarrassed as hell cuz she told everybody at school about it.
i was about 16, un-experienced, and about to have my second threesome, in the first threesome all i got was head while my mate banged the girl so this time i said i was gonna get the fuck. andway its all goin nice and smooth i was just sticking it in when my friend screams, punches the girl in the head and jumps out of the window (which is how we got into the house)..... it turns out i accidently stuck it in her ass and she didnt like it so she bit down on my mates cock.. neither of them were too impressed, she ended up crying and calling me an asshole then my friend gave me shit for like 5 monthes because i couldnt get it in the right hole, but hey, it was like the fourth time i was ever with a chick. another time i was at my girls house when her mum came home early knocked on the door and said, i think you and your boyfriend should get out of the shower before your dad gets home..
I was dating a girl who had sort of a Brooklyn accent, if you know what I mean. Which was strange because she had lived in Kansas her whole life. Anyway, we were having anal sex (first time for both of us) and she obviously wasn't enjoying it. I ask what was the matter, and she said "It hoits" Sorry, I don't know exactly how to write it out the way it sounded, but it struck me funny (we had smoke alot of pot) and I couldn't stop laughing. She got really pissed, and I never got to hit the ass again.
I got you beat,lol. This girl I was fucking crazy over and when I got my chance as soon as she just touched I lost it all.....didnt even get to stick it in
Originally Posted by NoriegA
That has to be one of the nastiest things ive ever heard. Ugh.
Originally Posted by nowonmai
i was getting a blowjob at school during lunch and we were in the the middle of the school wheres theres benchs with high backs to chill and you can't really see shit, anyways a young women teacher(20ish) walked out of this door(which turned out to be the teachers bathrooms) and smiled and walked away. It was scary, but now that i think about it is just kinky. That was one hot ass teacher too
Most embarassing, for her a girl cheated on me so i pissed all over her mouth face and £600 new outfit. bitch!!! (sorry, emma hehhe)
Back when I was young and still lived at home I brought my girlfriend back to my room for sex. I thought we'd have the whole house to ourselves for at least a couple of hours and even if anyone got home they wouldn't bother us. I had two beds in my room at the time, one waterbed and one normal twin bed. The waterbed would make to much noise to hear anyone come home so we decided to toss all of our clothes on it and have sex on the other bed. Unfortunately, in the middle of the act I hear footsteps coming up the stairs. I dismount just before the door opens and my mom walks in. We pretend to be just cuddling under the blanket. Unfortunately our acting was a little to good because my mom doesn't notice the pile of clothing on the waterbed, decides to sit down on the corner of the bed we're in and start talking to us. She was recovering from a stroke at the time and wasn't the most observant person. For what was probably around 20 minutes she had a conversation with us while we tried to act innocent. I tried to hint to my mom that she should leave but somehow she didn't get the message. My room is at the end of the stairs overlooking the living room and I ended up having to get up to close the wide open door wearing nothing but a condom. Later that night after I drove the girl home my friend stayed the night. I told him he should sleep in my waterbed. He said, "isn't that the bed you normally sleep in?" I guess I should've been a bit more quiet when I told him, "yeah but I'm not going to make you sleep in the wet spot," because a couple weeks later my mom brought up that she overheard.
I have no idea how my mom has managed to believe my younger brother was a virgin for so long. Every weekend that I go home and he's in the basement with his girlfriend it smells like crotch. Between that and the pile of shiny gold trojan magnum wrappers that appears from time to time it should've been pretty obvious.
Fast forward a couple of years to college. I was with my ex in her dormroom messing around. I was very horny and could tell she was kindof horny. I suggest that I should pin her up against the wall and fuck her. She tells me she's hungry and wants to go to taco bell. We argue playfully for a few minutes over whether we should have sex or eat. Finally I get her to agree to letting me put it in, pump a couple times, then leave for taco bell. First I pin her to the wall sans pants, mount up, hold her off the ground. I pumped her about 3 times, let her down from the wall, pulled up my pants, zipped them and told her, "ok let's go." She looked confused at first then when she realized what I was talking about she made it very clear that if I didn't finish doing what I was doing she was going to remove large chunks of the skin on my back with her nails. I decided it would probably be better if I gave in.
Last St. Pats after sharing half a handle of Svedka with a (lightweight) friend of mine we decided to walk to the bars with my roommate and his girlfriend for more drinks. I ended up basically carrying my friend back to his room before returning to the bar. When I returned my roommate's girlfriend told me there was this girl they wanted me to meet. It had been around 4 months since I had had any sex and the gf was determined to help me find someone to go home with. This is where my memory gets kindof hazy. I know the four of us made it back to the gf's room. I know the gf and other girl ended up making out in her room. What I don't remember but was filled in on later was that somehow K and I thoroughly violated her couch. K told me I should go back to her room with her and I agreed dispite my room being across the hall. It was across campus and we were very drunk. We began our journey in entirely the opposite direction of her room. Somehow we ended up half-naked infront of the music hall to drunk to notice the people walking on the sidewalk not 8 feet from us and her asking me to bite her nipples HARD. Eventually we end up in someone's backyard with a dog barking at us and we sober up enough to talk eachother into going somewhere indoors. A walk across campus later, we find ourselves back in her room. She puts on some music and we mess around a bit more. Not 3 minutes after the lights go out there's a knock on the door. She opens the door and finds 2 police officers and a very excited dog. The officers explain that they are there, "because someone overheard the word 'marijuana' from inside the room." She bought it. She began yelling about how there was a conspiracy of the girls on her floor against her, completely lost control. One of the officers asked for my ID so I handed it to him. He spoke my license number into his radio. I asked for my ID back and he ignored me, I asked again and he still kept it. At this point I tried to calm K down but with no luck. The officers gave their usual lie: "Either you let us search or we'll declare the room a crimescene and get a warrant." She told them it was probably her adderall that the dog smelled. The cop explained that dogs know the difference between adderall and illegal drugs. I told her they were full of shit but she let them search anyway. They didn't find anything but she was still so upset that she wanted me to go home. Thankfully none of the people in my classes mentioned anything about any of the stuff in public. For the next week I was sure someone was going to mention something.
I ended up seeing the same girl a couple weeks later while I was mostly sober and having some pretty raunchy sex. To this day I can't forget what she said when she felt my erect penis for the first time, "you could kill a deer with your penis." So now I'm left with that image. How exactly do I go about doing that? Do I surprise it by jumping from a tree and swinging my penis as a club?
Those are 3 of my stories. I'm sorry 2 are so long and none of them are that funny.
It was about two years ago I met this wacky drunk girl in front of a bar (I was drunk and high on e). In that period of my life I was mostly wasted on drugs so I didnt care who I fucked and this girl seemed as a "no-brainer". It took me around 3 minutes to convince her to go to my place. I was so drunk and so high i couldn get it up propery even though she was keen on sucking on it all night and the rest of the day. I kept us both high on e and even found some red wine. At the evening we were both preety wasted and decidet to go to a discoteque (I was broke - all I had was alcohol and some e so she paid 4 everything - the cab, the entrance fee,, the drinks). So we came inside, sat at the bar, order a beer each when she decides she hasnt had enough blowing me. I was so fuckin wasted that i found it amusing at the time and let her do it right on the spot. I somehow managed to finish in her mouth, she swallowed the cum and gave me a french kiss (yuk). I take a look around and i se 4 of my schoolmates laughing at me (i have no idea what they were doing there). I wasnt too embarassed at the time (too drunk) but monday at school was bad because of the hangover and all the fingers pointing at me. Keep in mind that the girl wasnt exactly a good looking one. Sometimes I wish i couldnt remember things when im wasted like some other people. . .
uhhh, yeah that happened in a movie, it was called american pie
Originally Posted by four
Originally Posted by lagomorpha
what the fuck?
Originally Posted by billbong2
how does that even happen?
did you just go to her house when she was asleep and start to piss?
ok, so it wasn't me, it was told by a friend, about a freind of his....this bloke was really horny after a night on the turps, and went down his lady, under the sheets, the works... she was saying Get out, I need to fart" he was too inot the groove by this time, and wooudn't stop.she couldn't stop, just had so fart, and so she did. He inhaled the whole lot, and surfaced, and held her by her ears, and exhaled the whole putrid lungful, combined with his putrid stale alcohol breath directly into her mouth. They reckon you never seen so many shades of green....
my pal is a stinking crack fiend who can't get enuff of working girls street ones.
one night when we were sharing a cell togeather we were regailing each other with sex stories. my pal doesn't really do penertration as he can't get it up often fue to crack an smack.
so one night he's picked up a girl 4 a smoke and in order 4 her to pay her way , they get down to it , so he's in a remote crountry lane it's snowing outside and it's nice and warm in the car.
WShe sucks him off and gets him hard as he smokes the pipe.
he decides tp return the favour.
he flips her over and goes down .
the street hooker starts mmm ing and ahh ing. but as he gets down there he notices a rotten stench,it's aputrid mess. She's probably had about 10 guys already that day.
I don't know if this will seem funny to u but it bust me up.
Smelling the stench my pal, almosts barfs, the girl is just finished her pipe and is gagging 4 a licking, but he's pulling away.
She's all confused
My mate leans over the back seat and finds abottle of fanta pop, hr then takes off his sock makes her get ouside and start scrubbing her fanny.
As she's doing this a police womans flashlight catches her stood on tippy toes, trying not to get to cold in the snow scrubbing herself with the smelly sock and what looks like a bottle of piss.