I really don't know what has happened to me, but i really think i'm cursed. I have the worst luck in the world, and things never seem to get better. Financial disasters, people constantly hating me for no reason at all, my car always breaking down, girls treating me like i'm the ugliest, most worthless piece of shit they've ever seen, horrible tourettes/tics that plague me 24/7 that i cannot get ahold of to save the life of me, health problems, and severe depression that will not leave me even though i'm trying hard to get rid of it.
I really thought that my bad luck was just a phase that i was going through, but after over 13 years now of severe bad luck i'm now starting to realize that something serious is going on. It first started when i was 15, when i had some serious shit happen to me and i attempted suicide. After that, i realized that i couldn't let my family suffer for something so horrible like that so i have been trying real hard to make my life better and make a life for myself. Well, things didn't get better and all throughout high school and college i got rejected by every girl i ever tried for and pretty much got made fun of by every one i knew for no reason at all except for the fact that they had something against me that i had no idea about. Everywhere i go people show signs of aggression towards me, and anytime i try to get a girl to like me they go completely overboard, making me feel like an idiot for even trying and straight up calling me a loser, or mocking me, or laughing in my face. I didn't lose my virginity and get my first girlfriend until i was 24, and it didn't take long for her to realize she had no interest in me. Since then i have gotten the same treatment and everywhere i go girls treat me like i'm the biggest peice of shit on the planet and they won't even give me the time of day.
I'm 28 now and little things keep happening over and over to me that has made me realize that i need to look into this. I lost all my friends, i keep having random bad things happen that costs me a ton of money, i cant make new friends because people always blow me off, girls reject me and slam me hard anytime i even try to just say hi, and i cannot get rid of my anxiousness/depression no matter how hard i try even if i ignore all the things that have happened to me in the past. Seriously, drugs have been the only thing that can get my mind in the right place to feel somewhat normal and happy again, but that only happened a few times and now they don't even work at all. I lost the magic with mdma after only rolling 8 times total (in a span of about a year, so it was spaced out but now it doesnt work at all). I traveled to south america to do ayahuasca because i thought that could show me some spiritual signs that i needed to fix my life, but it didn't even do anything at all. Nothing. I did 3 ceremonies with a shaman and i felt nothing. On the 4th ceremony i took 3 times the dose of everyone else and i barely even felt the effects. All the other people in the ceremony only did 1 cup full and tripped balls, and i did 3 cups and the shaman was worred i might have taken too much, but ofcourse nothing even happened. The shaman told me i have a blockage that prevented me from feeling the effects and that a spirit was following/haunting me, but i didn't know what to think about that because it's hard for me to trust people. I might be the biggest hard head in the world, because i have to take 3,4, or even 5 times the regular dose i read about on here on most drugs and even then they don't even do anything hardly. Why don't i get the effects like everyone else?
I think somebody is trying to harm me or haunt me in some way or maybe someone put a curse on me. This isn't your typical streak of bad luck where you have a few bad things happen to you and you get over it. This is a constant, evil darkness that has plagued me for a long time and it won't leave me. I have really dark, dark thoughts that come to me constantly and make me scared and worred about what's about to happen next. I have no idea what happiness even feels like, because 24/7 all i ever feel is dysphoric because the chemicals in my brain aren't working right. I have constant pain in my muscles from all the tension i have, and seriously- if anyone on this board knows what it's like to have tourettes- it's fucking horrible. You can't control yourself whatsoever. I feel like a slave to my body and it is so exhausting i can't even describe it. I wish so much i could get rid of it but it won't leave me. I might be the loneliest person in the world. I wish somebody could be there for me but i have nobody to talk to about this. I've tried to see psychics and counselers and healers but they don't do shit for me. Does anyone know anything about the occult or about how to get rid of negative energy? Something is tearing my soul apart and i really need some help to get rid of this. I'm 28 now and i have reached my breaking point. If things don't get better i am going to have a severe mental breakdown (actually it's already happened many times- i contemplate suicide all the time but i know i can't do it for my family's sake). But i think i am gonna go into a more psychotic episode soon which could be bad if i don't get ahold of myself. I can't take my life like this anymore. I really honestly think i'm cursed- no person goes through this kind of extreme bad luck unless something is going on. What should i do? I hope someone here has experience with this...