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    Not sure why I wasn't invited out with coworkers? 
    #1
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    I don't make many posts in SLR any more ... but I am trying to figure out what happened here with my coworkers! It's more a coworker/friend type relationship problem.

    I've been working at my job for just over a year. In my department, there are 4 full time staff and 8 part time staff. I'm part time, and all of us part time staff are around 20 - 24 years old (I'm 22). Two of the part time staff have been working there for over two years, one started at the same time as I have, and everyone else has started even later (aka they are newer than me). It's mainly female although one of the full time staff is male and three of the part time staff are male (I'm female).

    So the coworker that started at the same time as me, it was her birthday a couple weeks ago, and she invited all of the part time staff with the exception of me and the one newest part time staff out for drinks for her birthday. So of course, they are all talking about it, but no one asks me if I'm going, invites me, etc. Then of course, a couple days after it, everyone is talking about how much fun they had, etc.

    I just don't get why I wasn't invited. It may seem like a petty, high school thing to do, but I finally thought that I was "included" with my coworkers. I mean, we get along great. I love my job, I love my work, and I really do like my coworkers. I just don't understand why I was the only one (with the exception of the one new guy) who was not invited.

    I've never really "fit in" anywhere. I don't have a lot of close friends. I have my boyfriend, I'm close with my family, and I have clubbing/drug friends, but not many close friends. I'm a pretty likeable person - I mean no one hates me, lol. Obviously my coworkers don't know about my interest in drugs and whatnot, but I still go out and party, like they do, so I don't know why I wasn't asked.

    Any ideas? It kind of feels like I was just excluded, and I don't know why. Did they just forget about me? Did they think I wouldn't want to go? Do they just not like me? It seems kind of immature but I really don't understand.
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    #2
    Bluelighter Cohesion's Avatar
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    That's no fun. This used to happen with me when I worked last year. I assumed it was because I was not as wreckless and goofy as they were. Our vibrations were just different.

    Maybe they have other things in common (family background, music, etc.).
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    #3
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    If you're going to put mental energy into this at all, I would spend less time wondering what you did wrong to not be invited, and more time wondering what the fuck is wrong with the new person that they thought it was okay to invite the whole office except for two people. That's just plain rude. Anyone with a brain would know that those two people would notice and feel excluded. Some people just lack empathy though.

    Another thing is that sometimes when a small group of people have good chemistry they form cliques, and they are so into each other that they aren't consciously aware they're even excluding someone. It's similar to how people in love end up ignoring everyone else for a time. You might think they intentionally decided to avoid you but maybe it seriously didn't cross their mind. The problem is that your work place is small so a clique would have a bigger impact.
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    #4
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    Thanks for the responses. I know I have some problems of my own I need to work out. I know I shouldn't be thinking THIS much about it. And my workplace has been good with cliques (well, especially since this one person quit a few months ago ... but that is a whole other story!). It takes me a while to really feel comfortable around people (social anxiety). I was finally feeling like I fit in to my department at work. I mean, I'm really good at what I do. And since I'm one of the part time staff who have been around for the longest, I have gotten more of a chance to get to know the people.

    I know my coworkers like drinking and going to bars while I enjoy drugs and clubs, however they think I like drinking and clubs. I go out for the music and for dancing, I don't know exactly what they go out for, I guess for the alcohol? I can drink socially though.

    It just kind of feels like how things were when I was growing up. I hate to bring up the past, I like to think I'm over that, but it is just so similar. It feels like the same thing happened all during school, you know. Never really "fitting in". (Of course, I wasn't into the drug scene then, lol.)

    I hope my work doesn't form cliques. There are some of my coworkers who I like more than others. This one who invited everyone out, she is someone who I don't like quite as much, of course I wouldn't make it obvious. She is just the type that kind of thinks she's better than everyone, you know? But I try to get along with everyone. I am NOT going to start drama. I want them to like me. I want to fit in. And I can finally "be myself" you know? Gah. I don't know. Cliques within this small department would be the worst!! I finally thought I was bonding with a couple of my coworkers ... trying to get there!

    I'm trying to think of all reasons, or what could happen. I know I'm over-thinking it. arrg
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    #5
    Bluelight Crew animal_cookie's Avatar
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    why not ask a coworker you are closer to?
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    #6
    I can only speak from my experience from being on the other side of your situation. I think based on the fact that they actually talked about it in front of you is a good thing. They definitely did not maliciously exclude you. If they did then theyd keep it quiet in front of you. When my coworkers and I go out, we have in the past excluded some people for either of 2 reasons.

    First is they obviously werent the "going out type." Its obvious when you work with someone who is the "going out" type. We didnt bother to ask because we either assumed they didnt do the drinking/bar scene or gave off the vibe that they dont. This might be you. If you have social anxiety, chance are you were a bit awkward and shy when you first met them. Thats enough to be excluded. You can always bring up stories of you going out, and itll click that you arent who they think you are and might just ask you to join them.

    The other reason is that they just werent part of our "group." We've excluded people simply cuz we all have a certain level of closeness. Similar to going out with your steady group of friends, certain times we'd exclude people on purpose. Never with a ill intent though.

    My point is, the fact that they were open about it around you is a really good thing. Most likely they havent gotten to know you outside of work. If their super preppy and youre more hippish that might initially turn them off, but an opportunity will come and then they see youre actually a cool, fun person (i hope). You may not also agree with their vibe. And for gods sake do not ask why you werent invited.
    Last edited by smokeydabear89; 07-12-2012 at 05:46.
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    #7
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    She may have just assumed you were going to come to party. If not, try not to worry too much about what other people are thinking or what their motives are. It's a full time job trying to figure out what you are thinking and your own motives. If it makes you feel any better,I like you. Good luck. :-)
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    #8
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    I've been through that before. One company i worked for years ago, this happened a lot. Most of the time I didn't care, but I later learned that secret plans were being made a lot to make sure I never showed up at afterwork parties/meet ups. This was because my boss hated me, and insisted that I not be there or else he wouldn't come.
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    #9
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    It may be that they either don't really like you or just did not think to include you. Have you done anything that you know of that may have caused someone to take a dislike to you at work? the reason I ask is because something innocuous could have upset someone & they have the influence to exclude you from social outings.

    I work for a large multinational & got in "trouble" with HR for excluding two colleagues from a dinner I planned. It was deliberate & there was a complaint made against me because I did not invite them to a private non work function.
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    #10
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    That is quite strange. If you get along fine with them my guess would be they probably thought you would be busy or wouldn't want to go. If they didn't like you/if there was something wrong with the relationship between you and your co-workers I'm sure you would have noticed. In the past, did they sometimes/regularly ask you to go out with them and you couldn't because of prior engagements or something? That could explain it. It seems difficult to believe they would have just 'forgotten' you but then again I'd also have trouble believing they excluded you on purpose...honestly I think you could ask the organizer directly or if it's less intimidating, someone else around the office that you're comfortable with - just explain that you don't really understand why you weren't invited and are a bit hurt by it? You never know, they might be aware of something.
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    #11
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    Are your coworkers single? Since you're in a relationship, they might've thought you wouldn't come because of your boyfriend or maybe they thought you'd bring him and they didn't want that.
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    #12
    Bluelighter Serotonin101's Avatar
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    could possibly invite one or more of your coworkers out for a drink or something when you get off work. then as you two have a few drinks could always find out their interests such as clubbing/drugging and include them in a going out session. should be good enough to break the ice and get the point across. this newly made friend may vouch for you in the future and you will get invites.
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    #13
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    i'd just say thanks for the invite and make them feel awkward. if they wont include you on going out then what have you got to lose? dont make a big deal out of it though

    i worked in lots of places and went out with crowds even though when out with them i didn't fit in and found it dull after a while. BUT they made the effort to invite me. its just what adults do.
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    #14
    Bluelighter freehugs's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by llama112 View Post
    I don't make many posts in SLR any more ... but I am trying to figure out what happened here with my coworkers! It's more a coworker/friend type relationship problem.

    I've been working at my job for just over a year. In my department, there are 4 full time staff and 8 part time staff. I'm part time, and all of us part time staff are around 20 - 24 years old (I'm 22). Two of the part time staff have been working there for over two years, one started at the same time as I have, and everyone else has started even later (aka they are newer than me). It's mainly female although one of the full time staff is male and three of the part time staff are male (I'm female).

    So the coworker that started at the same time as me, it was her birthday a couple weeks ago, and she invited all of the part time staff with the exception of me and the one newest part time staff out for drinks for her birthday. So of course, they are all talking about it, but no one asks me if I'm going, invites me, etc. Then of course, a couple days after it, everyone is talking about how much fun they had, etc.

    I just don't get why I wasn't invited. It may seem like a petty, high school thing to do, but I finally thought that I was "included" with my coworkers. I mean, we get along great. I love my job, I love my work, and I really do like my coworkers. I just don't understand why I was the only one (with the exception of the one new guy) who was not invited.

    I've never really "fit in" anywhere. I don't have a lot of close friends. I have my boyfriend, I'm close with my family, and I have clubbing/drug friends, but not many close friends. I'm a pretty likeable person - I mean no one hates me, lol. Obviously my coworkers don't know about my interest in drugs and whatnot, but I still go out and party, like they do, so I don't know why I wasn't asked.

    Any ideas? It kind of feels like I was just excluded, and I don't know why. Did they just forget about me? Did they think I wouldn't want to go? Do they just not like me? It seems kind of immature but I really don't understand.
    Are you a quite person, or do you usually strike up conversation with them?
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    #15
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    Quote Originally Posted by animal_cookie View Post
    why not ask a coworker you are closer to?
    i second this. i would approach the person who made the plan and ask, sincerely, is there any particular reason they chose to not invite you.

    i'm inclined to guess that it was a simple oversight but a guess is not much use to you...

    alasdair
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    #16
    Throw a big fancy party and invite everyone except the person that didn't invite you... Make sure to make the party as memorable as possible, hire exotic dancers, strippers,etc., have good food and drinks - just make sure everyone will talk for days after that only about your party.
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    #17
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    Quote Originally Posted by Memeito View Post
    Throw a big fancy party and invite everyone except the person that didn't invite you... Make sure to make the party as memorable as possible, hire exotic dancers, strippers,etc., have good food and drinks - just make sure everyone will talk for days after that only about your party.
    I am inviting myself to this party!!
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    #18
    Quote Originally Posted by Pagey View Post
    That is quite strange. If you get along fine with them my guess would be they probably thought you would be busy or wouldn't want to go. If they didn't like you/if there was something wrong with the relationship between you and your co-workers I'm sure you would have noticed. In the past, did they sometimes/regularly ask you to go out with them and you couldn't because of prior engagements or something? That could explain it. It seems difficult to believe they would have just 'forgotten' you but then again I'd also have trouble believing they excluded you on purpose...honestly I think you could ask the organizer directly or if it's less intimidating, someone else around the office that you're comfortable with - just explain that you don't really understand why you weren't invited and are a bit hurt by it? You never know, they might be aware of something.
    Quote Originally Posted by pofacedhoe View Post
    i'd just say thanks for the invite and make them feel awkward. if they wont include you on going out then what have you got to lose? dont make a big deal out of it though

    i worked in lots of places and went out with crowds even though when out with them i didn't fit in and found it dull after a while. BUT they made the effort to invite me. its just what adults do.
    Quote Originally Posted by alasdairm View Post
    i second this. i would approach the person who made the plan and ask, sincerely, is there any particular reason they chose to not invite you.

    i'm inclined to guess that it was a simple oversight but a guess is not much use to you...

    alasdair
    good lord dont do any of these. seriously. asking them will make it 1000x more awkward and will not change anything. again dont fukking ask them why you werent invited. do you guys even interact with people?
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    #19
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    Llama I don't know why anyone wouldn't like you. ;-)

    I'm the social butterfly at work but only within my team. You've mentioned being anti-social with them and keeping work for only work. I believe you said they don't share the same interests as you. Have they invited you before and you always say no? I always try to include people but sometime we just figure so-and-so wont go. We have a clique for lunch and we never invite certain people because we assume they will say no. We don't mean any harm and if someone wants to go they can say they are going! Lol

    Personally, I would tell them in my joking way that they are jerks for not inviting me and they better invite me next time or I will eat their first born. But we developers have a sick sense of humor lol. But you must have some way to say "yo wtf? Invite me next time!"
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    #20
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    Quote Originally Posted by smokeydabear89 View Post
    good lord dont do any of these. seriously. asking them will make it 1000x more awkward and will not change anything. again dont fukking ask them why you werent invited. do you guys even interact with people?
    Hmm yeah it's called being honest and I've pretty much only gotten good results so far
    If they're mature and she asks someone she's comfortable with there's no reason they can't answer that simple question.
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    #21
    Quote Originally Posted by Pagey View Post
    Hmm yeah it's called being honest and I've pretty much only gotten good results so far
    If they're mature and she asks someone she's comfortable with there's no reason they can't answer that simple question.
    They clearly chose specifically not to invite her. Asking why not would put them in an awkward position. If they're mature, they wouldve invited her in the first place.
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    #22
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    Yes but there could be a perfectly rational reason why they didn't invite her that would make her feel better if she knew. Or on the other hand, if they were just being jerks, then I say they kinda deserve to be put in that awkward position and that's their problem.
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    #23
    This sounds like a case of jealousy to me.
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    #24
    Quote Originally Posted by Pagey View Post
    Yes but there could be a perfectly rational reason why they didn't invite her that would make her feel better if she knew. Or on the other hand, if they were just being jerks, then I say they kinda deserve to be put in that awkward position and that's their problem.
    then they would tell her. i can see no rational reason why they wouldnt. do you not have a job? sure you can "put them in their place" but working in an awkward environment is something you absolutely do NOT want. not trying to argue with you. i like you pagey just i really feel that if she confront them things will get worse. if they are mature and nice, and the OP really does get along with them, theyll invite her out eventually.
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    #25
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    Quote Originally Posted by smokeydabear89 View Post
    They clearly chose specifically not to invite her.
    you have absolutely no way of knowing that.
    Quote Originally Posted by smokeydabear89 View Post
    i can see no rational reason why they wouldnt.
    and therefore no other reason can possibly exist?

    alasdair
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