Have you ever had a psych evaluation? I'm not saying this to be an asshole but because I do care. It just strikes me that you may have some underlying disorder/s. And I can say that being bipolar among other things. It's nothing to be ashamed about and could be beneficial if you were able to get the right treatment. I'm probably not a very good example in that regard, but at the very least it seems you have an unhealthy view on how you judge yourself just because what others may think of you.