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Thread: -alone-

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    Senior Moderator
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    ^all the love in the world to you. Love, the immense power of it, is what carries us through the missing. It endures until we go where they went first. And then we are the ones who leave it behind for others. He sounds like an amazing person, as do you. Much love and hope for strength and peace for you.
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    I miss you, little brother. Still.

    I don't feel alone, and I hope you never feel alone - you shouldn't, you're still loved. But I still miss you.
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    Bluelighter zzITCHY420zz's Avatar
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    rreally enjoyed reading this..thank you
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    Little brother, still on my mind. Wonder what you'd be like now?
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    In my mind he is perfect.

    Can still see him in the half-dark, waving and speaking of love.

    The man still fills my heart, is my heart.
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    I've been reading the archives all night, baby, saving this post, the best, for last. I miss you so much... I cannot believe that you've been gone for so long! Little Josh is growing up, he's 7 now, and he reminds me of you. He loves to tell and write stories, and he's so funny! He may not share your genes, but in my heart and soul, he is yours.

    I love you sweetheart, with every fiber of my being, and I will until the end of time
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    Bluelight Crew Samadhi's Avatar
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    Wow. I came to bluelight today after thinking of SL55 and Flower, looking for this very thread, and what do I find on the front page, but THIS THREAD and the last person is Flower.

    I have never and will never forget this thread and the love between the two of you - it's something i have thought about often over the years, and I wonder how you are going Flower - it's lovely to see you on here and to know that you're keeping Josh's memory alive Much love xx
    Last edited by Samadhi; 06-03-2015 at 06:18.
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    Bluelighter JahSEEuS's Avatar
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    I've been around this place on and off since 2002 and everytime I read this there is a certain feeling of some presence greater than me that always makes me tear up. Love always...
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    Heart
    On those occasions that I find myself lurking around Bluelight, without fail I will find myself, eventually, in this thread. This thread that has never failed to make me cry (good tears! ....mostly), from the day Spedly first posted it all the way to this evening, as I came across this comment:

    Quote Originally Posted by Samadhi View Post
    Wow. I came to bluelight today after thinking of SL55 and Flower, looking for this very thread, and what do I find on the front page, but THIS THREAD and the last person is Flower.

    I have never and will never forget this thread and the love between the two of you - it's something i have thought about often over the years, and I wonder how you are going Flower - it's lovely to see you on here and to know that you're keeping Josh's memory alive Much love xx
    Thank you Samadhi - and so, SO many others - for keeping his words and his memory alive. He has never left my thoughts nor my heart (and I strongly suspect he never will). And as heart-wrenchingly difficult as it's been - as much as I needed to be dragged, kicking and screaming, back to the land of the living again after losing him... Life... well, life does go on (no matter how hard I tried to avoid that fact). In fact, life is good these days.

    Little Josh just turned 8 years old. I am engaged to an amazing man who loves me and loves my son as his own... and accepts all of me, including the part of me that will always belong to my first husband. We have another baby on the way. I know big Josh would be happy for me, for us... because I know without a shadow of a doubt that he loved me the way that I loved him, and had I been the one to leave him behind, I would have wanted him to move forward, to find love again, to LIVE.

    So... that's what I am doing these days. I am living, finally, truly, in the way that I have no doubt he would have wanted me to... but damn if I don't miss him every moment of every day. *sniff*
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    Long gone, but never forgotten little brother. The world has changed so much since you left We'll catch up again someday. Until ten you remain in our hearts and thoughts.
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    Senior Moderator
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    Quote Originally Posted by Flower View Post
    Little Josh just turned 8 years old. I am engaged to an amazing man who loves me and loves my son as his own... and accepts all of me, including the part of me that will always belong to my first husband. We have another baby on the way. I know big Josh would be happy for me, for us... because I know without a shadow of a doubt that he loved me the way that I loved him, and had I been the one to leave him behind, I would have wanted him to move forward, to find love again, to LIVE.
    I am filled with happiness to read this. It is an amazing truth that one discovers in devastating loss that one can once again embrace a joyful life not only fully, but more fully borne of the ability to simultaneously gently hold grief as well. I am happy for you and your son as well as your new love and the little mystery being about to make an appearance.
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    On this night of all nights I wanted to lurk around BL and read things I haven't read. I'm now moved in a way that I find very difficult to describe, but will try to.

    A story about people I've never met from over a decade and a half ago has left me an utter emotional wreck. His writing made me feel like I had been there for the occasion itself. I was enthralled entirely. I find myself in nearly the exact same position in life. I flipped to the last page, hoping that I could find him myself and tell him all this....Just to share with him that I'm touched.

    I have a girl that means the world to me, someone I want to have a future with and grow old alongside. I've never been sure about anything in my life except for that. She feels like home to me, I look in her eyes and any worry or self doubt melts away instantlya. I tell her that I love her as many times as I possibly can in a day and she does the same. I'm going to tell her one extra time now.

    My history with my parents hasn't been a good one. We're bad to one another very often. There's a battle for understanding that hasn't made forward progress in years. I want to change that now as well. I can't remember the last time I've even told them I loved them and actually meant it, but once again, I want that to change.

    I want to express that I'm deeply sorry for the loss of Josh, if it means anything from a drug abusing stranger who was just lurking the internet. If you happen to read this, Flower, I want you to know that this is going to stay with me for a long time. I couldn't even begin to imagine the things you must have felt. 6

    If you'll now excuse me I have more crying to do under my blanket.
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    Quote Originally Posted by devilsgospel View Post
    My history with my parents hasn't been a good one. We're bad to one another very often. There's a battle for understanding that hasn't made forward progress in years. I want to change that now as well. I can't remember the last time I've even told them I loved them and actually meant it, but once again, I want that to change.
    Josh wasn't a saint, by any means, but he was obviously very well loved. One thing I'd take from his death is that you need to act on things while you can - you never know when your last moment might be. Communicate your heart and mind to your parents, don't leave that for a "later" that might never arrive. Same for your girl - keep telling her what she means to you. Let people know you care, that they are valued in your eyes.



    =================

    Josh, still miss you at times. Your passing changed a lot of us. If you watch any of us anymore, push Griff back to us, please.
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