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Thread: MDMA Recovery (Stories & Support - 4)

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    I apologize for my bad english, I'm from Germany. I am 24 years old
     

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    Bluelighter Cotcha Yankinov's Avatar
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    No worries about the English, it's a silly language to handle without a long term comedown, or "LTC" as it is known. I'm sorry if I speak in a complicated way, if you need any clarification please ask

    The good news is you're only 4 months in which is honestly really early on in an LTC, I'd expect most improvement to come in a while.

    The other good news is you're still young, and your brain is full of essentially brain growth hormones, and your brain is also still developing. Don't beat yourself up for having taken MDMA and speed, we do whatever we can to feel better in the short run, but looking back on this you will learn to do what's best in the long run. But back to the issue at hand here.

    You might try 5-HTP with a green tea extract called EGCG (it will help keep the 5-HTP from being broken down so it can get absorbed into your brain better). You may also try St. John's wort but I would try it seperate from 5htp. Your brain makes serotonin out of 5htp but your brain has a hard time making 5htp for a while after MDMA, so it's definitely something to at least try.

    St. John's wort is a bit of an anti depressant/SSRI but something like Citalopram might be an option as well, some SNRIs aren't the best. It's also hard to use SSRIs with MDMA users because MDMA users don't have that many serotonin transporters for SSRIs to block (if you don't understand that don't worry, all that's important is that SSRIs may not work too well in MDMA users but they are still worth a try and may improve things longterm if they are tolerable). Unfortunately SSRIs are well known causers of insomnia and that wouldn't be worth it.

    Did you go many nights without sleeping on MDMA/speed? I know I sure did...

    And when you say speed you mean adderall/amphetamine and not methamphetamine?

    Tell me what happens when you're trying to sleep - does that voice in your head keep talking and you see lots of colors and shapes when you close your eyes? Feel free to private message me if there is anything at all you want to tell me about what has happened in the past or what's going on right now, trust me when I say there's nothing you can't tell me.

    I hope you feel better soon.
     

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    Quote Originally Posted by Cotcha Yankinov View Post
    No worries about the English, it's a silly language to handle without a long term comedown, or "LTC" as it is known. I'm sorry if I speak in a complicated way, if you need any clarification please ask

    The good news is you're only 4 months in which is honestly really early on in an LTC, I'd expect most improvement to come in a while.

    The other good news is you're still young, and your brain is full of essentially brain growth hormones, and your brain is also still developing. Don't beat yourself up for having taken MDMA and speed, we do whatever we can to feel better in the short run, but looking back on this you will learn to do what's best in the long run. But back to the issue at hand here.

    You might try 5-HTP with a green tea extract called EGCG (it will help keep the 5-HTP from being broken down so it can get absorbed into your brain better). You may also try St. John's wort but I would try it seperate from 5htp. Your brain makes serotonin out of 5htp but your brain has a hard time making 5htp for a while after MDMA, so it's definitely something to at least try.

    St. John's wort is a bit of an anti depressant/SSRI but something like Citalopram might be an option as well, some SNRIs aren't the best. It's also hard to use SSRIs with MDMA users because MDMA users don't have that many serotonin transporters for SSRIs to block (if you don't understand that don't worry, all that's important is that SSRIs may not work too well in MDMA users but they are still worth a try and may improve things longterm if they are tolerable). Unfortunately SSRIs are well known causers of insomnia and that wouldn't be worth it.

    Did you go many nights without sleeping on MDMA/speed? I know I sure did...

    And when you say speed you mean adderall/amphetamine and not methamphetamine?

    Tell me what happens when you're trying to sleep - does that voice in your head keep talking and you see lots of colors and shapes when you close your eyes? Feel free to private message me if there is anything at all you want to tell me about what has happened in the past or what's going on right now, trust me when I say there's nothing you can't tell me.

    I hope you feel better soon.
    Thank you for your kind words, I'm just confused, I'm afraid to talk because I forget thee importance of guards, so I would not be alive, how long did it take for them to five years, you said? I feel only stupid, have no fear more. I just want to be more alone, because I'm afraid one will know that I know better, I want to take any more pills, I've been with 5htp tried a little helped's, have read that it has a negative effect on the liver. I want to finally live and work again, I had an MRI and EEG examination and both were good results. That makes me are the most disturbing constantly the images from the past in my head and I just tell nonsense. I wish back nothing more than my brain, I cringe even funny before sleeping. Do you think I can recover yet, so I have great concern that I the rest of my life so stay and therefore I have strong suicidal thoughts. I have read many reports of bben and he still has not recovered after eight years. I have the feeling I'm trapped in my head and come because not get out, I would so like to have a nice conversation again. I lost my personality. I feel like a demented woman and am only stutter on rum, do you think it is at least a little better, that would give me enough already.
     

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    yes amphetamine, not methamphetamine.
     

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    I also anhedonia, I hate to get up every morning and start again a bad day .. I wish that it will end soon has, it feels as if it would be worse every day
     

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    Bluelighter
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    Quote Originally Posted by Muldentier View Post
    has any of you have recovered the cognitive deficits ??
    Quote Originally Posted by Muldentier View Post
    I also anhedonia, I hate to get up every morning and start again a bad day .. I wish that it will end soon has, it feels as if it would be worse every day
    Out of interest did you have significant memory loss the night you had this happen to you? If so how long? Also did you experience a 'burning brain' sensation?
     

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    Quote Originally Posted by Nambo View Post
    Out of interest did you have significant memory loss the night you had this happen to you? If so how long? Also did you experience a 'burning brain' sensation?
    That with the burning brain I had not and I know everything of the night. The memory loss was only the day after, my short-term memory is completely broken and my cognitive skills are at the level of a 9-year-old child. I also feel the outside world separated from the it was my family or friends, I see someone your and your with, but feel sadly nothing of it, I feel nothing of internally death, I just want to again speak fluently and feel a bit that. Does anyone of you the somedude died when he killed himself, I understand him, I'd trade the moment with each if my head would only walk again. I feel sooo stupid
     

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    Had none of you images from the past in the head, that makes me so finished, I must b Chr times 100% again the old ones, 50% would be enough to me, I am satisfied with the smallest improvement. @Nambo: How much percentage they are now again the old, I have the feeling that it will never end. I can not eat, do not sleep and I can not think. Heeeelllpppp
     

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    I can't imagine how hard this is for you. My own ltc has been the worst experience of my life, and mine looks like a picnic compared to yours. I will say I fully believe you will get better. I can't promise you'll recover 100% (although I hope you do) but I will say I have lived on this forum for the past month, and have read some amazing recovery story's. People with symptoms as bad or worse than yours have said they recovered 100%. I know how crippling the depression can be. In the early day of my experience it seemed impossible to have a positive outlook. But you have to hang in there and believe you will get better.

    Are you having trouble sleeping? I think that insomnia is the most important symptom to treat. Your brain does the most healing when you sleep. So the more you can sleep the faster recovery will be. The thing that concerns me is the voices in your head. I haven't seen anyone else on here with that symptom. What did your phycologists say about that?

    Hang in there and don't close your self off. You need support right now. Spend as much time with close friends and family as you can. And let them know what your going through. You don't have to tell them its drug induced but let them know your dealing with depression and psychosis. If they care about you they will stand by you and that can make a world of difference.

    As far as the the suicidal thoughts go don't do it!!! Remember that it will get better. I know how it feels. The first few weeks for me I would have periods when it felt like I had no choice but to kill myself. The thing that got me through it was to think of someone who I would be hurting in the process (for me it was my mom) and I made the promise to stay alive for her sake. It was hard but the thought of how broken she would be if I died was worse.

    Lastly I found supliments helpful but it is best to talk to a Dr before you start taking a bunch I have heard st johns wort and 5htp can have a negative reaction.
     

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    Bluelighter
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    Quote Originally Posted by Muldentier View Post
    has any of you have recovered the cognitive deficits ??
    Quote Originally Posted by Muldentier View Post
    Had none of you images from the past in the head, that makes me so finished, I must b Chr times 100% again the old ones, 50% would be enough to me, I am satisfied with the smallest improvement. @Nambo: How much percentage they are now again the old, I have the feeling that it will never end. I can not eat, do not sleep and I can not think. Heeeelllpppp
    It's important that you start sleeping as it gives your brain time to rest. You just need to take things day by day thereafter. See a doctor / psychiatrist for a sleeping aide and potentially a benzo to help calm yourself. I was also prescribed a low dose of olanzapine. It's an antipsychotic but in small doses helps as a sort of tranquilliser and helps settle the mind.
     

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    Thanks, I think it's slowly no longer beautiful. doctors have said anything that is not here in my city competent enough I could until now nothing and no help, I see soon no other option than to kill me .. Just do not care I can not sleep with 3- 4 hours. I want to go back just a little brain, it give me even 50% because I'm happy. I also believe that my dopamine receptor are broken, you can fix that somehow. I feel trapped in my. I have tried so much already and nothing has helped me. I can not live with it.
     

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    I got some time lorazepam and even that has only helped a little, I went to the doctor, not just one, I think at 6 or 7. I have turned to you because here had so many bad experiences.
     

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    Quote Originally Posted by Muldentier View Post
    Thanks, I think it's slowly no longer beautiful. doctors have said anything that is not here in my city competent enough I could until now nothing and no help, I see soon no other option than to kill me .. Just do not care I can not sleep with 3- 4 hours. I want to go back just a little brain, it give me even 50% because I'm happy. I also believe that my dopamine receptor are broken, you can fix that somehow. I feel trapped in my. I have tried so much already and nothing has helped me. I can not live with it.
    have u tried what I post in 4 this 5
     

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    Bluelighter Cotcha Yankinov's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Muldentier View Post
    Thank you for your kind words, I'm just confused, I'm afraid to talk because I forget thee importance of guards, so I would not be alive, how long did it take for them to five years, you said? I feel only stupid, have no fear more. I just want to be more alone, because I'm afraid one will know that I know better, I want to take any more pills, I've been with 5htp tried a little helped's, have read that it has a negative effect on the liver. I want to finally live and work again, I had an MRI and EEG examination and both were good results. That makes me are the most disturbing constantly the images from the past in my head and I just tell nonsense. I wish back nothing more than my brain, I cringe even funny before sleeping. Do you think I can recover yet, so I have great concern that I the rest of my life so stay and therefore I have strong suicidal thoughts. I have read many reports of bben and he still has not recovered after eight years. I have the feeling I'm trapped in my head and come because not get out, I would so like to have a nice conversation again. I lost my personality. I feel like a demented woman and am only stutter on rum, do you think it is at least a little better, that would give me enough already.
    It took me a year to start to see much improvement, but the sleep deprivation clouds everything - you might think your whole brain is messed up but it's mainly your sleep that's messed up, and that will make it seem like your brain is permanently broken.

    I wanted to be alone too, I was afraid of being stupid in front of other people so I would rather be lonely.

    Did you say 5HTP helped a bit? I think that would be good to try but the issue is just getting it into the brain - don't worry at all about your liver.

    Do you have bad memories stuck in your head? And I used to get lots of random words myself, is this what you're experiencing? They call it "word salad" and it happens with everyone with sleep deprivation.

    I definitely think you can recover, but it's going to take time and there are going to be things that speed up recovery, especially cardio and mindfulness meditation to try to sleep better and start to calm down your mind. Do your best with the mindfulness meditation, but if it is difficult to shut off your mind it is exactly what you need. Do you see colors and shapes floating across your vision?

    I would not pay too much attention to the rare reports of people not recovering completely, often times those people did not do everything they could to recover (cardio, meditation), they had issues to begin with, and then especially guys on the autism spectrum might have a harder time recovering. There are processed by which a temporary disruption of cognition can be prolonged even if the original damage heals, so it is important to try to meditation over the years that you recover.

    Have you been tried on any drugs like carbamazepine, depakote, lamotrigine, Topiramate? They can help with racing thoughts.

    Did you have any issues or traumatic things happen to you before MDMA? Often times people have issues before MDMA, and then MDMA sort of unleashes underlying issues, which can then be addressed if the proper approach is taken.

    I absolutely think you could recover and wouldn't make any judgements off of how you've recovered so far because it's just so early on. Hang in there Try to do some running or any exercise you can get, and look up some videos on meditation. The goal is to just feel the way your breathing feels, and every single time a thought comes, return your attention to the breath. Try not to get frustrated, I know it was for me, but it was extremely important and took lots of practice.
     

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    Quote Originally Posted by Cotcha Yankinov View Post
    It took me a year to start to see much improvement, but the sleep deprivation clouds everything - you might think your whole brain is messed up but it's mainly your sleep that's messed up, and that will make it seem like your brain is permanently broken.

    I wanted to be alone too, I was afraid of being stupid in front of other people so I would rather be lonely.

    Did you say 5HTP helped a bit? I think that would be good to try but the issue is just getting it into the brain - don't worry at all about your liver.

    Do you have bad memories stuck in your head? And I used to get lots of random words myself, is this what you're experiencing? They call it "word salad" and it happens with everyone with sleep deprivation.

    I definitely think you can recover, but it's going to take time and there are going to be things that speed up recovery, especially cardio and mindfulness meditation to try to sleep better and start to calm down your mind. Do your best with the mindfulness meditation, but if it is difficult to shut off your mind it is exactly what you need. Do you see colors and shapes floating across your vision?

    I would not pay too much attention to the rare reports of people not recovering completely, often times those people did not do everything they could to recover (cardio, meditation), they had issues to begin with, and then especially guys on the autism spectrum might have a harder time recovering. There are processed by which a temporary disruption of cognition can be prolonged even if the original damage heals, so it is important to try to meditation over the years that you recover.

    Have you been tried on any drugs like carbamazepine, depakote, lamotrigine, Topiramate? They can help with racing thoughts.

    Did you have any issues or traumatic things happen to you before MDMA? Often times people have issues before MDMA, and then MDMA sort of unleashes underlying issues, which can then be addressed if the proper approach is taken.

    I absolutely think you could recover and wouldn't make any judgements off of how you've recovered so far because it's just so early on. Hang in there Try to do some running or any exercise you can get, and look up some videos on meditation. The goal is to just feel the way your breathing feels, and every single time a thought comes, return your attention to the breath. Try not to get frustrated, I know it was for me, but it was extremely important and took lots of practice.
    I'll try my meditation. 'I HAVE just so different Reminiscences, I do not know why. I want to finally think clearly, no more votes before and after the sleep. I can also not attract, I have already lost hope, I completely lost myself, I feel mentally retarded like. I do not want to live anymore. the 'ch have said would hand me a 50% recovery and no longer, I prayed too God, out of sheer cerzweiflung. Had any of you also said problems. If they had gone, because I would be happy. I am still 20.6 neurologists an appointment. I want to finally lebeb again, go to work, I have my Brain completely destroyed.
    Last edited by Muldentier; 08-06-2016 at 18:51.
     

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    Quote Originally Posted by Muldentier View Post
    Thanks, I think it's slowly no longer beautiful. doctors have said anything that is not here in my city competent enough I could until now nothing and no help, I see soon no other option than to kill me .. Just do not care I can not sleep with 3- 4 hours. I want to go back just a little brain, it give me even 50% because I'm happy. I also believe that my dopamine receptor are broken, you can fix that somehow. I feel trapped in my. I have tried so much already and nothing has helped me. I can not live with it.
    Hang in there. I know it doesn't feel like it but it will get better. it may take a year or two but trust me when you're 40 you will look back on this and be glad you didn't end it. Have you looked in to any support groups in your area. It seems like you could benefit from a depression or drug abuse group. Its really important to have a support system right now a group might help you find people who understand what your going though. Of course us here on blue light are here for you. But you need people who you can talk to and spend time with in person. Also hug people when possible. It may sound silly but hugs release oxytocin in the brain which can make you feel good in the absence of serotonin. As far as I know oxytocin is not impaired by MDMA use.
     

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    I also feel that it is getting worse, precisely the aspect speak with and think. I'm completely stupid, knows someone, I can not solve the simplest tasks.
     

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    Quote Originally Posted by Muldentier View Post
    I also feel that it is getting worse, precisely the aspect speak with and think. I'm completely stupid, knows someone, I can not solve the simplest tasks.
    Don't worry too much about your cognitive abilities right now. You may feel stupid now but that will pass. For now just take it easy meditate spend time with people and let your brain heal its self. You will get better. But its going to take awhile.
     

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    Bluelighter Cotcha Yankinov's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Muldentier View Post
    I also feel that it is getting worse, precisely the aspect speak with and think. I'm completely stupid, knows someone, I can not solve the simplest tasks.
    I think that because it is getting worse that is a sure sign that a lot of your issues are from sleep deprivation, and this is a sign that things will definitely get better as your sleep smooths out with time. Your brain will start to compensate for all this brain noise and things will start to look up. Things like benzo withdrawal can result in similar states like what you're experiencing and it takes a long time for benzo withdrawal to get better - but there is no permanent damage.

    I wouldn't worry about your dopamine receptors themselves, they get recycled and replaced all the time a no worries there. Sorry I will write more when I get my next break from work, hang in there
     

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    I can bring myself to nothing else I would do sports or whatever. I am only at home and read on the internet that could help me since. I just want a little normalcy ..
     

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    I've also tried to drink alcohol, I felt nothing, no vertigo, no luck, nothing. I got me something ruined I feel.
     

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    Bluelighter Cotcha Yankinov's Avatar
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    Would you say you have physical health issues like back/neck pain, dizziness or lightheadedness when you stand up, or pins and needles in your hands?

    If you can bring yourself to do some walking or light jogging I would try it, any exercise will help you, and as your brain recovers you will be glad you tried to keep your body from weakening too.

    Anything that uses your brain, from reading to video games, will help you recover as well, they are better than just watching TV and movies but TV and movies are much better than just staring at the ceiling.

    Do you like music, or have music stuck in your head? Do you talk to yourself in your head a lot?
    Last edited by Cotcha Yankinov; 09-06-2016 at 05:09.
     

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    Bluelighter
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    Quote Originally Posted by Go Easy View Post
    Good to hear Pills&Kills, you and I are probably only days apart in our recovery timeline and we appear to be treading a similar path - I look forward to your updates over the next few months - based on where I am now I just can't wait to see how I feel in 6 months time.

    Bad days are still here and there, and constant tinnitus and floaters are relentless, but cognition is definitely coming back which was my main issue with getting through a working day.

    Keep it up mate!
    I will definitely keep posting as the months go by. But without a doubt things are looking up again.

    I'm working a steady part-time job over the summer with little stress now and I've even managed to get myself a girl again, who since learning of what I've been going through has been extremely supportive. I really do think having that one person to be close to that understands and doesn't judge you for your mistakes really does help you along the way.

    The only thing I really have now is an occasional sense of depersonalisation and brain/memory fog. But it definitely doesn't seem as prominent now. I'm actually so glad that I've been able to write this and I hope anyone reading it gets hope for their own LTC. It definitely gets better with time and mindfulness. But most definitely TIME.
     

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    Quote Originally Posted by Cotcha Yankinov View Post
    Would you say you have physical health issues like back/neck pain, dizziness or lightheadedness when you stand up, or pins and needles in your hands?

    If you can bring yourself to do some walking or light jogging I would try it, any exercise will help you, and as your brain recovers you will be glad you tried to keep your body from weakening too.

    Anything that uses your brain, from reading to video games, will help you recover as well, they are better than just watching TV and movies but TV and movies are much better than just staring at the ceiling.

    Do you like music, or have music stuck in your head? Do you talk to yourself in your head a lot?
    My head is so empty, I have the feeling, I issue in the head with me but that does not bother me, I have music in my head but I think that is not bad ch. Really the only thing that bothers me are my cognitive problems, I can not even have a movie watching because I fall after a few minutes in Aphatie, I'd love to ma lead a nice conversation again, I have to force me to, I do not want be confused if I was clear in my head, because I was happy. I smoke too many cigarettes, have barely feeling in hands'm only cramped, hardly eat because I have no famine, but drink plenty of water and take fish oil capsules and lecithin. I wish nothing more than a little normality me. how long I can take 5htp without which it is harmful?
     

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    I do not feel dizzy, I have no fear, I just empty the head and can not think, I can not talk, writing goes, I do not understand what is being said, I hope that this someone reads exactly as felt has and can now think and feel again, I slowly saw no more sense in my life, I can be happy about anything. I really just want to die.
     

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