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Thread: LSD (250μg) - Second time - Facing my loneliness

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    LSD (250μg) - Second time - Facing my loneliness 
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    ** Note for the reader: This is my second time tripping on LSD and it was 6 weeks after my first trip. My first trip was experienced alone at night on the same dosage and was also a life-changing experience for me. Also, I know this is an unconventional way of writing a trip report, but I had this format idea when I was tripping and just decided to go along with it. Hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing and living it . **

    _ Hey man, why the fuck do I feel so alone?
    _ Do you? You know you're literally talking to me right now? You're not alone and yet you somehow still feel alone?
    _ Yeah! I can't explain it.
    _ I think you can but you're asking the wrong question buddy. What you should be asking instead is "Why does one choose to be alone".
    _ Hey that's not what I meant to ask! You're twisting my words bitch. I never said that. Wait hold on, hold on: you don't exist, I invented you! So, if you made that question up, that means I did! Fuck! No that's it, I'm going fucking crazy again. What The Fuck is going on. Okay, okay I need to calm down. Alright, so that means I choose to be alone. Okay, I've got to admit that's true. Don't fight it, stop fighting it! You know it to be true.
    _ So why do you choose to be alone my friend?
    _ ...When I'm alone, I know I'm being 100% myself without the influence of anyone or anything on me.
    _ Well that's just not true, what about the influence of your education, your peers and your cultural heritage?
    _ No, I mean, of course I am the product of any past influences on me, but when I'm isolated from the world and everyone, nothing new is influencing me. I am static when I am alone. I am my own influence. Everything that is influencing me and guiding me is isolated in the past. And thus, I choose to be alone. I am safer alone. I am safer here. I am safer away from the danger there. With others I fear not being that same version of myself anymore. So, the interaction with someone else must always be at the expense of some of my self, right?
    _ Okay, hold on son. You're reaching the sun, but your wings are burning, and they might consume the hell out of you if you don't tame the sense out of it. So, you fear that this potentially different version of yourself will be a threat to that image you have already constructed of yourself? But isn't that new potential version of yourself, that "part of you" somehow acting differently, that "publicly expressed version of yourself", isn't that also one form of expression for your own goddamn fucking self? And therefore, interacting with others isn't really suicide in terms of your individuality. In fact, it is quite the opposite. It is there, there where comfort is non-existent, there where what was once familiar is no more, there where the unknown is now known to be unknown, there where danger is a choice and death now one with your destiny, there my friend, it is there my very lonely friend where the self really discovers itself. For the self is always to be discovered and never to be fully known.
    _ Thanks man, I must therefore choose not to be alone anymore. I'm done fearing discovering more of myself. I fucking love discovering more of it and I'm going to embrace that fact.

    After 4 hours of debate largely due to the 250 μg of LSD he took at 1pm, our lonely hero finally resolves to going outside at 5:30pm.

    _ Alright I need to pack my bag, grab my earphones, my sketchpad and a pen and we're ready to go on an adventure. It is sunny outside, we should go to the park.
    _ Don't forget a bottle of water and some food mate.
    _ Fair point. Alright, let's leave this lonely home! Off we go onto the adventure of life!

    Our hero starts walking aimlessly with no destination only to reach home again.

    _ Well, this isn't working like I thought it would? I've been walking for 20 minutes and I still don't know where to go! Let's just go home, this world is too scary.
    _ Okay, let's head back into our lonely house and room.
    _ Lonely?? Am I choosing loneliness again!? No! To hell with that, let's go to the best park of the town, enjoy the sunset and meet some fellow travellers! It might be a bit far, but I'm off to an adventure and I choose not to be lonely!
    _ Suit yourself!

    Halfway to the park, our hero recognizes a group of friends he knows

    _ Hey! How's it going guys! Where are you all headed to?!
    Friends: We're headed to a pub in town, want to join us?
    _ I'm tripping balls on acid right now, but I sure could go with a fresh pint of beer!
    Friends: Are you sure you're alright?
    _ Yeah, I'm doing fucking great don't worry!

    Our hero made his choice, choosing life over loneliness. But after 6 hours of awkward interactions as he struggles to act sociable and becomes the quiet one, he slowly came to realise that he loves being alone and isolated from others. Later that night, after smoking a few joints our hero walks home, alone, again.

    _ What is wrong with me? Even when I choose not to be alone anymore, even then I still feel alone, and act alone!
    _ Yes and?
    _ Yes and? Really? Is that all that you have to say to me? You've been manipulating me this whole time: forcing me into going into the unknown, pushing myself to my limits and facing other people's judgements. I never should have listened to you!
    _ You do remember that I am you, right?
    _ Of course, I do, but I still feel like I have been tricked into acting against my own will.
    _ My will is your will. Think carefully my friend. We both wrote this story together, you've been obeying, and I have been commanding, but our will is one. You decided you didn't want to be alone anymore and you went outside on an adventure and you've intentionally experienced discomfort, awkwardness, judgement from others and you went along with it. Isn't that in itself the greatest achievement you could have done?
    _ I get what you mean yeah. But I am still the lonely one and I don't think this will ever change.
    _ Does it have to change? A world of lonely people is all we are anyway. We are alone together in your head. Individuals of society live alone in our world. Organs of your body live alone in your body. Your cells live alone in the organs of your body. Stop fighting loneliness and you will realise that we are all together in this very moment, all part of the same story, and we all have a say in how this story shall end.
    _ You always know how to cheer me up. So, I have you, and you have me? Loneliness in mind does not sound that bad anymore. Especially if we are the gods creating our own story by putting thoughts into words and words into actions! And tell you what, since this is my story too I shall end it as I please. And today I choose life! Oh life, you who makes me uncomfortable and sad but simultaneously fills me with joy and comfort. I choose you and will to obey and command you as I seek to become and discover myself in every single moment of you, oh life! I shall fuck the woman I want to fuck and have her as my wife if I wish to. I shall pass my degree with a First. I shall be that cool kid, but not cool as in the preconceived fucking definition of it. Oh no fuck that. I shall be my own kind of cool. I'm going to get that fucking internship and live my dream life doing my dream job. And if something new or uncomfortable comes my way, I shall find comfort and familiarity in it through the work of time as I scream like a mad man: "Oh is that all you got life?! Well I still want you badly! Keep throwing your "game over" at me because they are not bad enough to prevent me from restarting the game and giving it another fucking try!". I am not afraid to dream my own story anymore. The fear of them never becoming true will not haunt me anymore because my dreams are my guide in life and I shall let them guide me regardless of where they lead me. Because a stroller who has no eternal direction, no eternal home and no eternal intention for his travel, my friend, that very stroller can never really get lost. For he is always home and never away!

    And thus, our hero went to bed and dreamt reality: he has finally woken up from his nightmare and now lives on with his dream ahead of him.
    Last edited by TheLonelyOne17; 08-05-2018 at 12:53.
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