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    Meth - Experienced - The Power and Denial of Oneself on Meth 
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    I started on the crystal back on the 29th of September of this year and started using it by chance as my connect couldn't get coke. I thought fuck it, Australian prices here are a joke and it fucked me up money wise as it's $250 a gram here.

    Last time I had touched meth was back 7 years ago almost nearing 8 now in December. Back then it was speed and it cheap for an 8 ball that would last 2 days. I heard all the rage about crystal, more bad then good but thought fuck it last time it did a lot of good for me as me and a friend used our weekends as a open psychology session. What I learnt through my therapy I'd teach him which has helped him a lot since we both quit back 7 - 8 years ago.

    A friend of ours gave him an 8 ball of crystal for his engagement party even though he hadn't used in 6 years and one day when we met up he was telling me about it and how it was stronger etc...

    Any how something kept on registering in my mind that it had been 7 years since we used and what we were doing that weekend. I remember around this period I was sliding whist doing my Masters Degree in Business Management. I just said to myself well last time I slipped and came back and trained etc I felt so much stronger then before well here we are 7 years later and I did nothing but continuing to fuck up. Hell I even tried to overdose on cocaine back in May when I was having a mid life crisis Around that time I sold my car to gamble and dabble in cocaine. Any how fuck cocaine, I got introduced to it in December last year and it lasted a few destructive months as I was in a bad place.

    So the long weekend comes up here in Australia on the 29th of September and since June 1st I only drank or smoked once and had some coke on that day but it wasn't the same after all the shit that happened. I was lonely as I have been so for the many past years and decided oh let's get some booze and smokes and coke again. We will only use a bit then bin the rest like last time. Well that is pretty much what happened but I took the meth with me for another day.

    That Saturday night I had bought some low strength apple ciders and JPS Silver cigarettes. Got the stuff from my connect and didn't know what to expect. I looked at the bag and I was thinking to myself, this looks like more than a gram, was I given this intentionally to get me hooked? It was just different in comparison to the 1 gram coke bags I had been getting which were compressed and small.

    So I go to my old locale on my own, the old Narrabeen Surf Club with all my stuff in check and I go and sit on the bench and just look at the beach. This time I have not lost my phone. The last time I sat there when I had coke I was borrowing my friends phone. In the 17 years of owning a mobile phone it was the first one I have ever lost - don't worry I gave him $400 for Iphone 6 Plus. So I take out the drink and smoke, cough cough what the fuck am I doing I'm thinking but I chain away any how. After 2 drinks I go now is a good time to use. So I proceed to go and use the bathrooms there which also have these showers there too. Coast is clear and I can hear it if someone comes in anyway. So I go and chop and think I'd be a MAD CUNT and cut up some phat lines as I was used to doing this when on cocaine. Oh but what is this, someone opens the door to get into the toilets / showers, they were a few drunks from an upstairs function. They startled me and I wasn't going to act shady and pretend I'm in there for a glory hole Saturday night fun time so I go and swallow what I had chopped up and go damn. I'll go again later.

    Back to the bench I go and I go and observe the waves, downing ciders and smoking away playing games on my phone. Some time had passed maybe 40 minutes and I could feel it pulling me and I was like oh boy this has sucked me. No, I really did say that to myself, I was thinking what have I gotten myself into and then began my re-connected journey of life after 7 years of absence. I will fucken admit it felt so lonely using this on my own and I wasn't going to get my old friend into circle this time as he said he was over it and even threw away half his 8 ball when he got what he wanted out of it a year before hand. So this journey was a solo one and maybe something I should have of done last time but hey who knows?

    In the 7 years since I last used meth my life fell apart like no tomorrow and it wasn't because of the meth as back then it lasted 4 months and only used on the weekends. Only on one occasion it was used on a Wednesday night and that was out of my own selfishness.

    My troubles started from continuing to drink alcohol and not being able to find work after I got my masters degree but also because I stopped caring. Then on top of it which played a massive part to it was the antidepressant medication I had been taking which I never questioned really in the last 9 years I had been told to take it. I was also in denial about my life and didn't want to be honest, honest with myself and accept the truth for what it is. Things had also gotten out of control and I felt ashamed to ask for help again to get my weight down and actually put in effort like before which is funny enough when I wasn't on antidepresants. Next thing you know years drag on and then this mid life crisis crap scared the fuck out of me. I swallowed 4 grams of coke and began writing a suicide letter to my brother telling him not to tell Mum and Dad that I died of a drug overdose. I was half way through that letter and I began having my first seizure and I blacked out for hours. I remember waking up being disorientated, not being able to walk etc. It was fucked but that is a story for another day.

    Now where were we? It is now the next day after I got that meth, i.e. the 30th of September. That night when i first used I couldn't sleep and I had to think back long and hard to what it was like when I last used as I had a fixed behaviour back then to not make it so obvious. I am feeling like crap but need to spend the day pretending everything is ok and I can't take more as it will draw more suspicion etc. Any how I go to that friends place to watch the grand final footy and I am not sure if he could pick up I was on something but I doubt it. Maybe my other mate picked up on it as I kept on saying I was sleepy. That following day I said I wasn't going to use but then did in the late afternoon thinking if I just have 4 lines like how I would with coke it would be cool but bad move as I got meth intoxication for the first time. That night I semi sleep and wake up and use a bit as I said I was going to use it to get all of this data entry work done that otherwise was going to take me an extra 2 weeks. I went from doing 130 records at best sober to 400 - 500 on meth lol. That week though I didn't feel like myself and could see this is potent stuff. Up comes Friday night I use a bit and bin the rest.

    My first week of recovery begins and during the week I was on meth I began reading about vitamins, nutritious meals and buy some stuff on the Saturday as opposed to eating fast food like I usually do. The week is a drag but I survive. I get an urging some time on the Thursday that I should be getting more so I get that data entry work done and then that will be it. Tada now the work is done after using now for 2 weeks. Oh but what is this I started reading more, I began caring more about myself. I was determined then that I will self analyse myself as these psychs are useless and I have been seeing them off and on the last 20 years.

    I begin writing about stuff that comes to mind and just kept on going. I wrote age 10 then listed everything I remembered. The damn antidepressants just fucken numbed me that I forgot about my repressed memories and just didn't even let them get to me. Any how Bang I am now on my 3rd cycle of using meth do I quit or use again? I go to myself on the week off you don't want to even think about yourself as it's an emotional drain so finish what you started, i.e. week 1 = 1 gram of meth, week 2 = break. week 1 + week 2 = Cycle 1, week 3 + 4 = Cycle 2, week 5 + 6 = Cycle 3, week 7 + 8 = Cycle 4 and am now on cycle 5. Some of the revelations I've connected these last few weeks has had me crying nearly every day. It made me acknowledge things I had been neglecting, it made me analyse my parents to see that I have so many of their behaviours which I never wanted to admit to myself but would rather be passive about as it hurts. Me self attacking myself when i was drinking hurt a lot.

    So yes meth has allowed me once again to unlock the Pandora's box that hadn't been touched in years. I told my psych I'd be taking a break which she was shocked about, I found out that some of her approaches were wrong and the one before that who got me on the antidepressants in the first place had no fucken right to do so. I was in a vulnerable place back then and let the psych and doctor do there thing without trying more or doing extensive research like I have now through medical journals etc...Now when I come off the meth, I will have an even harder drug to get off and that is my Cymbalta which has issues because of discontinuation syndrome. I am up for the challenge though.

    Overall I have felt like as if I am in a very good place and probably I had adult adhd cause of my boozing and bipolar but hey the docs would rather numb me to make me shut up. I really hope I am fucken right and realise that I don't have bipolar but all negative shit I picked up along the way from as a kid is what shaped me to who I am today. A disorientated fucktard who never had the balls to act when he new he was right because that's what his Dad taught him.

    P.S. It feels fucken good to write again. I missed it so much but those meds and when I was drinking just made everything so lazy, that I just got accustomed to it and didnt break out energy to realise otherwise. I haven't written extensively like this since 6 years ago. I feel through the meth it gave me a new hope for all the shit that just happened in the past 7 years. I don't socialise on it though as I am just always at home working on bits and pieces and letting my emotions process through. However just fucken find it amazing how I accessed so much repressed history I just kept on piling up. I wasn't even achieving this so much with the psych as she would always say don't acknowledge the past but in researching all of this crap some of it was holding me back.

    My diet is also better then 10 years ago when I trained 6 times a week. I eat daily and shower twice. Make sure to take the right vitamins too but sleep could be better.

    This drug has made me see also how many people are cheating to get ahead in life whilst keeping their mouth shut about it which leaves me depressed as it is a very unfair playing field out there. I accept that being on meth is not a possible reality but rather a tool to use to re-connect or get a jab of life into oneself.

    So it goes... Night and thanks for reading. WOW just needed to get that off my chest

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    Last edited by Shadowmeister; 28-11-2018 at 16:01.
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    Wow, great story, I've been following your threads in TDS and I'm happy to see that you seem to be feeling better. You don't hear positive meth stories very often. Hopefully you can keep the balance and not let it destroy you. Drugs can really be useful sometimes when they allow you to push past your barriers and see yourself/life in new, fresh ways. You're a good writer, keep at it!
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    Quote Originally Posted by Shadowmeister View Post
    Wow, great story, I've been following your threads in TDS and I'm happy to see that you seem to be feeling better. You don't hear positive meth stories very often. Hopefully you can keep the balance and not let it destroy you. Drugs can really be useful sometimes when they allow you to push past your barriers and see yourself/life in new, fresh ways. You're a good writer, keep at it!
    Cheers man. Today I had a good session in the morning to mid day just writing and then it hit me. Made more connections. This afternoon I had the biggest crying session I have ever had in years. No fucken way I would of been able to do this with the psych and it's probably because I didn't let myself to an extent. Also I can't resolve things within myself if I don't go and face up to myself and where I have been.

    Today I went to one of the 3 benches at the lake I drank at. On this particular bench I sat and cried at today I would drink there first in my past drinking days as no one could see me sort of but maybe a few as the afternoon / night would progress I would then go on to the others back in my drinking days.

    I sat at that bench with almond milk and a punnet of Boysenberry. In the past it was with 12 beers and a pack of cigarettes. I was the local park drunk I still remember one Friday night I overheard kids from the scout group referring to me and going I think he is on drugs, he is here all the time.

    I cried and cried and let myself just appreciate the reality of the situation. Specifically things I have going on with my parents. Then letting myself move forward. That positive inner voice was there I haven't heard in so fucken long. All of this positive energy grew in me, it actually felt so surreal. It was real energy and I could feel it.

    However I got a panic attack and that's been lasting a while but am ok now. AM just too too overwhelmed at getting some closure I couldn't with psych year after a year, instead it was always her letting me bash my mum rather than to try and understand her properly etc..or why my situation is the way it is.

    In the end 20 years of therapy off and on and 9 years of meds can go down the shitter.

    Those meds fucken changed everything in my opinion. It just numbed the shit out of my existence. All my repressed memories I was meant to do something with just vanished. I have gotten to know myself well and I learn and interpret things differently. I am a thorough kind of person who needs to know or understand every little detail to better make sense of it all but those meds didn't let me do that. Now the meds will fuck me over even more when I get discontinuation syndrome off cymbalta. Read this: https://www.nytimes.com/2018/04/07/h...-cymbalta.html . Overall the solution to your problem is what is the issue with mental health as your problem could be something else without you even knowing until you delve deeper and deeper and then discover xx etc or the professionals you go to give you a solution were unfit to understand you well enough. This is where you are responsible and you want to fucken hope to God that you are actually bothered to read medical journals to make sense of it all before you begin the meds and it changes you.




    Last edited by noonoo; 29-11-2018 at 13:11.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Shadowmeister View Post
    Wow, great story, I've been following your threads in TDS and I'm happy to see that you seem to be feeling better. You don't hear positive meth stories very often. Hopefully you can keep the balance and not let it destroy you. Drugs can really be useful sometimes when they allow you to push past your barriers and see yourself/life in new, fresh ways. You're a good writer, keep at it!
    Thanks man I surprised myself to be honest.

    Am beginning to think I have been internalizing so many things which I've been wanting to get out and only can now due to those over prescribed piece off shit SNRI / SSRI meds that just make everything cloudy. Oh and fuck you don't want to see what the clouds were like when I drank and I wasn't even drinking full strength beers

    Here is what I wrote today if you care to read. I began writing to a guy on reddit who said he was about to start using ssri but I told him I'd text him later with a detailed reason why not to. At first it was going to be short and then I had consideration that with these notes I will put it into a collective at a later stage or a book so I treated him as the audience and just kept on writing until 3 hours passed or so.

    Since some very significant things have clicked, I have not been procrastinating but just trying to work out what to do with it all. It is just all so overwhelming when you step back and let yourself see the picture for what it is and don't deny it but instead allow yourself to interpret it and see it for what it is worth.

    The emotional aspect is very heavy but I've dealt with depression my whole life but I was wrong, this is a new form of depression I have not experienced yet and it just makes me think what more we can see within ourselves if we just let ourselves to do so. Instead of repeatedly saying just man up which unfortunately long terms means keep on fucking up over and over again until you are dead.

    I had a shower thought tonight before my shower lol. I said "dying without knowing your true identity and your true and honest self is worse then committing suicide." I say this as there is time to play with still if you let yourself.

    Here is what I did today
    https://docs.google.com/document/d/1...it?usp=sharing
    Last edited by noonoo; 29-11-2018 at 13:29.
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    That's beautiful man, it sounds like you've really gotten somewhere. There's something so positive and empowering about realizing you need to work towards something and then working towards it. It may be hard work sometimes, but it feels awesome because you're doing something, you have hope that things are changing, and the more you do it, the better it feels. 4 and a half years ago when I got off opiates (after 10 years on them), I did SO much mental processing about my ex-wife, she was very abusive towards me and I had gotten to the point where I wanted to die, I felt like there was no escape and like I could NEVER quit opiates. But I came to terms with what I was feeling and I made changes, I treated myself better, I got in shape, I started playing music again... and before long my entire life and sense of self was different and better. Ever since then I have felt like my life is going well, even during hard times (like now, dealing with a lot of stuff), I still love myself and know that once this stuff settles down, I'll be fine. You CAN get there, it's just one step at a time. And it sounds like you've taken the first step, so congrats.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Shadowmeister View Post
    That's beautiful man, it sounds like you've really gotten somewhere. There's something so positive and empowering about realizing you need to work towards something and then working towards it. It may be hard work sometimes, but it feels awesome because you're doing something, you have hope that things are changing, and the more you do it, the better it feels. 4 and a half years ago when I got off opiates (after 10 years on them), I did SO much mental processing about my ex-wife, she was very abusive towards me and I had gotten to the point where I wanted to die, I felt like there was no escape and like I could NEVER quit opiates. But I came to terms with what I was feeling and I made changes, I treated myself better, I got in shape, I started playing music again... and before long my entire life and sense of self was different and better. Ever since then I have felt like my life is going well, even during hard times (like now, dealing with a lot of stuff), I still love myself and know that once this stuff settles down, I'll be fine. You CAN get there, it's just one step at a time. And it sounds like you've taken the first step, so congrats.
    That is very good for you. You should be very proud of yourself.

    I had a big breakthrough yesterday in terms of processing some repressed internal feelings. Since I let myself cry like I don't think I ever have before so many things connected in my head that I was just too numb to see cause of my fucken meds that these piece of shit doctors prescribe without even knowing what the fuck they are doing to someone.

    I awoke today and my feelings and thoughts were still very active but I take my antidepressant and a few hours later I am just fucken numb. Can't get to the thoughts I need to as I write this.

    It is very unfortunate how situations can change for ourselves based on personal guidance and teachings that we have taken for granted as we now use those tools too as a way to cope etc...Ultimately the loop just repeats itself and those faults you resented in your parents when your head was fresh and not consumed by their shit as well as others is what you end up using as you never give it any thought or realise that your voice has power and meaning too.

    Something deep hits and you realise you are the villain/asshole in everyone's eyes as you are now a drug user and yet all you have done is used the coping tools that were given to you to survive today's problems and not those that were simpler many years ago. i.e. your parents may have of conditioned you to use others for help when you are emotionally unwell to take care of that for you, i.e. as opposed to looking at alternative solutions such as them accepting their own fuck ups and changing their own behavior to give you a better chance.

    Unfortunately when the coping tools you have learnt stops working you look for something else to do the same job and might learn this off someone in a similar boat to you at the time and now no one understands you but your own self.

    In hindsight this means only you can get out of the problem if you let yourself. This is where I have been stuck for so many fucken years, thinking I was just a complete asshole.

    Then it bothered me why my old way of thinking which was clear when a kid and teenager had just vanished like that yet it was probably the right way of thinking all along. I had a voice then and I began to bury it as my coping tools were not the best and then the one's I chose to use on my own were also not the right fit for what I really wanted.

    Today I am buried in so much shit that the meds made me not see it. I have so much fucken anger and hurt at the moment. I feel so fucken alone.

    So many things make sense to me though and it is just too too overwhelming at the moment to process it. A lot of things that happened to me over the years made no sense before. Where I stopped last time with being my best was 9/8 years ago when I started using the anti depressants - ssri / snri. Even when I got my Masters Degree that I worked my ass off for and went through so much of an emotional adventure with as I fucked my undergrad up it made no sense why I had no emotion for it, rather it was meh. Now I fucken know why and it is all because of my meds that I haven't been able to process the emotion I have truly wanted to overcome.

    It is why those fucken psych visits have become a field day for whatever specialists sees me and why I am repeating myself and not making progress every time. Rather am getting fed to a fucken drum circle called AA where everyone else has still internalised unresolved issues but have chosen to live this way for life. But hey a fucken 1 year medal is a big deal.

    I lived with a quote for many years which I created myself back when I was in a happier state and that was "Sometimes the only thing that can save you is your past". How fucken right that is. I am ever so glad that on one random December night between me and my friend that we got meth for his birthday. Fuck knows why I had even made the suggestion as we were off ecstasy for a good few years but I guess something internally inside of me still craved those Deep and meaningful conversations that we had. Where we picked life apart and assessed it together as we were hurt by so many things that should of been there to help guide us but instead made us depressed. I see I did this now because maybe I could still see we had unresolved issues and whatever help I was getting was not working.

    So these sessions turned into 4 months of weekend get togethers where it was processing crap till early hours of the morning. His life has gone so well for him or at least the best person he wants to allow himself to be.

    As the years progressed this started bothering me as he was progressing and I was not, I was failing further. I taught him from my own experiences and learning's but now I can see I filtered out all of the shit for him so he didn't have to go and do the same and that was to go and get psychological help or take some meds. He even always asked why are you going, I don't get it? And I guess I was too desperate to not change myself that I would go to any length and trouble to do so as I realise now the change I have always wanted to make for my own self is a drastic one that breaks what my parents have groomed me for. It is drastic for me as it means turning around and giving them a big FUCK YOU despite the good you have done for me as I have had to crawl through shit to realise what was wrong with me internally and when I needed support I only brought down instead as their seflish ways were a priority instead as they don't know any better as they too have been following the conditioning of their own parents.

    Here is where I stop myself and go I will not be doing that and when I had my chance to break out I ended up on these shitty SSRI / SNRI tablets to forget about my own pain and not deal with it because of a shitty father who conditioned me to listen to my Mum's manic depression and stay and live with him because he was too sad to live on his own with her.

    This whole fucken time I keep on explaining myself that I am bipolar as it is the best way to explain it rather then looking at the underlying's of it all.

    I have been labelled a person who has depression by the Doctors and psych's without them following through to the bottom of it and here is where the psych's argument would be "well that is up to you to do on your own." But yet this psych I have been seeing who can't even stick to a fucken scheduled time frame got upset when I told her I was doing exactly that. Good thing I followed through.

    I have now gotten to the last layer I ever reached when I was at my best and guess what that meth has barely been touched these last 3 - 4 days since I have gotten deeper into my ownself as I do not need it any more but there is one more layer I now need to break and that is accepting myself, my shame and choices as I now accept my families and although angry, I deep down understand it yet am saddened that they would never imagine doing the same but would rather make their kids lives a big pile of shit too and then defend it because they are too caught up in their own fucken title of Dad / Mum as opposed to looking at what that even means? On a deeper level it also makes me realise these people are not the kind of strong I have wanted to fucken be for so long but haven't been allowed to but they are weak and resemble nothing of the strength in person I ever want to let myself be in life.

    On another note I now realise that it could of been anything that could have over ridden the snri or ssri but forever known reason meth for me and my friend was theruapitic back 7 years ago and using it for that reason seemed to have of worked as we were back then too chicken shit to deal with our issues through sobriety as the tools we had didn't work for our internal and emotional pain.

    Any professional can make a judgment call here and I welcome them to do so because guess what, how about I force feed you some medication for 9 years and then tell you what your problem is without allowing me to ever process and explain mine from start to end rather than just focusing on the now. This trail of shit got me to your office because whatever was meant to help, didn't. Now your solution to repair the matter is exactly what alcohol, smoking, meth, xtc would do which is to make me numb and forget. But hey at least I wouldn't be labelled a druggie then or an alcoholic

    Sorry if some of this doesn't make sense, am still just very fucken overwhelmed within myself by the things I keep on connecting and haven't let myself to do so because I couldn't.
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    The most beautiful thing in all of this though is I have all of this energy and power that I have been wondering where it had all disappeared to all of these years as it was once there but I was denied using it. I let my family, I loved so fucken much live my life for me as they said they knew how to and now all I see is they were just trying to impress their parents and others but had been doing it for so long that they forgot.

    I still do not know where the fuck I am going to discharge this energy as at the moment I just want to fucken break the head in of the people who were supposedly meant to be helping me.

    It is very disappointing that so many people denied me from being myself. I let so many years go by with giving out chances and opportunity but nope

    Now it is my turn to step up and I have a book of learning that shits all over their simple existence.
    Last edited by noonoo; 02-12-2018 at 06:37.
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    Noonoo, I read everything and registered on BL just to tell you thank you, because I think you've saved my life
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    Quote Originally Posted by Long Thoughts View Post
    Noonoo, I read everything and registered on BL just to tell you thank you, because I think you've saved my life
    I hope I did.

    Be prepared to experience emotion like you have never before if you do it properly.

    It feels so bad to need to use something to open up in such a way as we are born crying and it is an inherited emotion to use but hey when you've been taught over and over and over again to not do that, you never really process the emotion do you but instead take some shitty pill to avoid it
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    Today really sucks.

    I have hit a road block ever since I communicated my findings to my Dad yesterday afternoon and let it be known that he failed me and let my Mum get away with too much. Even when he knew she was wrong. He was a Yes man to a narcistic lady and got me to follow so that internally he wouldn't be lonely. It is interesting we are both the same, we always attack ourselves internally when we need to express emotion. It is good though that we are reminded of this reality as now he is in touch with my emotions and I refrained from that for so long as I was ashamed of what I was doing to myself.

    The part that shits me is 10 years ago I bought a bed and a desk and put it at my bro's place as I was going to move in as enough was enough and he begged me to stay, I agreed as he had sacrificed moving to a new country with my Mum, me and my brother. I blew $800 on the bed etc but that is not the case. He told me it will be better. Then Mum told me 2 years later to move out thinking I would buy her bluff and promise to change my ways to suit her. I lived in my car and then at people's houses. I then got co-erced to move back again but this time by my great aunt as Mum cried to her. I then had to lie every single fucken day about where I am going to be that night as I did not want to be home but it was expected I have a girlfriend or something? Well I drank in the park by myself as no one could fucken help me. I was hurting. The psych and meds did nothing.

    All I wanted was my own life and they wouldn't show me how that is done or allow it, then would bash me when I did something that suited me and not them as it was foreign to them. I had issues as a kid as my bro looked after me whilst they worked at night - this I don't blame them for. It meant no real proper parenting. Dad's way of showing love was just paying for stuff or leaving it up to my Mum.

    I never hated him as it was always Mum but after evaluating both and myself it scared me as this time I was willing to accept the reality for what it is.

    I have been in so much denial about their behaviour as I still thought we could love one another with equal respect as I am an adult now at 34. Instead I am here crying accepting my suicide attempts were not entirely my own doing and that I saw from my Mum at a young age attempt but she was saved by my dad and bro. You know who saved me so many times ? The first 2 times my bro, as I couldn't let him down but then he realised he needs to not be emotionally attached and make his own life. The times after that I had no one, just me and my hurt. I thank my own body and tolerance for crappy cut Aussie coke that saved me that night when I swallowed those 4 grams as now I see I am not entirely responsible for this mess and that it is ill teachings.

    I tried to hate my mum and even joined a narcisstic parents group on reddit but couldn't buy into their shit that they hate their parents that much and cut off all contact as I know there has been good experiences too although few. I also know that disconnecting is the chicken way out and shows you have no balls and guts to have a problem face you and you still being able to get on with your life. So I let my maturity control my emotions this time and I am just as equally sad for them too that no one showed them an alternative to raising a child and that they were taught through fear right and wrong which ultimately meant failure would repeat itself although this time time in another country.

    I do not know why it took this long to accept? I truly don't as it has now robbed me of time and only left questions I need to go and answer but I am guessing the medication robbed me as it just put a lovely fog on my head where it allowed me to try and commit suicide twice by overdosing on substances. Yay it cured my depression Or a much deeper alternative is my fear of acceptance was beyond me as I was so ashmed of the self harm I was doing to myself over and over again through drinking etc..

    I can assure you, having this clear clarity and now having accepted it. I do not want to touch anything as I asked myself now, would you want to deal with your problems like this again as you don't have the balls to not please your parents as they sacrificed their life for yours by moving overseas and only providing for you the best way they know how and the way they were taught? I am so ashamed I spat on that but I definitely know how it is now and that is enough to move on.
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    So it happened this afternoon. I threw the left over stuff down the toilet. There was a bit left like 1.5 gram worth at Aussie rates so you can work out the math. I saw it as a challenge to do if I was serious about what I said in the above posts.

    Prior to doing this I thought I'd put a bit in a bottle of water and then down it to last me until the night but flush the bag. This opinion changed when I reminded myself I do not want this to be used or keep on poisoning myself as a way for me to cope because my Dad doesn't know how and was never taught either. Yet I was in denial about this as I thought more of him because I know it is there. However it is the teachings he got growing up which altered the family dynamics I have been living under and I need to accept that is just the way it is and move on.

    Now I am going to go and have a sleep and wake up tomorrow and work out what it is that I will be doing for work and unfortunately I can't dig deeper within myself then I already have which means it is time to go exploring and hang out in the real world. Something I have been hiding from for years and instead felt more comfortable sitting alone at a park drinking away as no one understood my problems and I needed someone who could help but no one could but my past history / memory to help me.

    It is beyond me how we do so many things subconsciously without even giving it any thought of what will become of this information until we decide to one day put the pieces together. I remember this older professor at my university 9 years ago who knew his shit and to be honest it was the first teacher I payed attention to in my Masters program as he sounded like he communicated well to me as I think outside of the box too. He would always say it as it was but one of the things he said was "It's about making your claim and tying it all back up" well after 20 years of exploring mental health and 34 years of living my claim is:

    "I am not anxious, depressed or have bi-polar as others say I do. I have simply listened to them and their emotion and let it control me without knowing and then denying it as I was conditioned to do!!! I have reserved emotion which has been manifested from the environments I have lived in, where I have not been allowed or able to truly and freely express myself as others do not get it due to their own denial in shitty environments too.

    I became depressed and anxious as a result of this as to deny oneself an existence in life is painful, it is not meant to be a happy walk in the park. It makes you go searching for dopamine depleters and people in shitty situations which then digs you even further from yourself until that stops working too but then you realise you do not know who you are. Then you reflect back and realise that you control addiction and not some shitty private rehab clinic charging $30,000 for 2 weeks and that you are your own person and need your emotions to connect with your positive thoughts. Something the health companies will never tell you as they want you on those antidepressants for life so that you only think you need their help and not your own. As a last resort you may have of just given up on your life all together years ago and bought in to someone elses way of life but never questioned it because you weren't an addict and everyone else was doing it too.
    "


    . . It is here where I am guilty as I did not go exploring deep enough for reasons I can only really assume was due to the antidepressant not letting me and just fogging my head making a piece of shit out of me instead all these years. Alcohol was also the wrong choice and nor did this exercise even come into consideration when I was on it.







    These were all disposed of I can assure you of that as I am now coming down and the old me was saying where is it?

    I am off to bed now night night.
    Last edited by noonoo; 04-12-2018 at 09:50.
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    Haven?t posted in awhile but hella good job flushing that garbage. I?ve flushed 2 bags of dope of my own and 2 of other peoples that were in my apartment losing their minds. Never did I think I?d ever even be able to say no to meth, let alone flush the shit down the toilet somewhat regularly, but now that seems to be my every other week thing. Too much stress comes with this substance for me. Too easy to become involved in high level cocaine, meth, firearm trade, robberies and murders. The DEA just set up shop in my relatively small city/town just because the meth distribution ring has gotten so out of hand as well as the sex trafficking that came with the huge meth ring.
    The only other drug I?ve seen make a totally normal, kind and empathic person turn into an uncaring, selfish and evil rapist/murderer was crack, but it very rarely makes you change like that. Meth has shown me it?s ability to change people into evil at about 60%-70% of the time after prolonged use.

    Methamphetamine can take your soul, and almost always will.
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    That's fantastic that you really flushed it. Good for you because I was gonna say, that's amazing that meth actually enabled you to have this experience, but I can guarantee that keeping on it is going to start to cause you harm. I am following this thread with great interest, it's really been a beautiful story so far. I absolutely love it when people realize their own power.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Shadowmeister View Post
    That's fantastic that you really flushed it. Good for you because I was gonna say, that's amazing that meth actually enabled you to have this experience, but I can guarantee that keeping on it is going to start to cause you harm. I am following this thread with great interest, it's really been a beautiful story so far. I absolutely love it when people realize their own power.
    As I say "The only thing that can save you sometimes is your past" as you have something like a bookmark sticking out in your brain of when it was the best time mentally and if you allow yourself to go back to that you may get something from it that was missing and didn't make sense before but can now.
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    Today has been a relatively easy going day.

    I do not have a desire to eat a lot as meth withdrawals usually does to you. Energy wise I am ok although I have been preparing myself for weeks as I adjusted my diet from around the 29th of September.

    Unfortunately the SNRI is making me foggy and the meth isn't there to overide it. Wow what now? Well next week I will be adjusting the SNRI medication which will take me a year to taper off. Unless if anyone here has better recommendations?

    I had so much I wanted to write after re-reading some sections here but am just getting this flash back of when I first took those meds and how I have lived my life. It absolutely saddens me that the medication just fogged my head and deep raw emotion from ever connecting.

    My want to use meth only came up once today and I just laughed and said that is the thinking of the old me who was in denial.

    I still don't know what to do, now that I have re-discovered and re-connected to myself whilst being piled under all of this shit I could not see but I know I have the energy. Do I go help others and work in mental health because now I have overcome my own problems or do I go and become a corporate fat cat because I know how to get away with it?

    So much to think about.
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    Today has been a some what challenging day as I am processing what I have re-connected with internally and am also going through withdrawals.

    Unfortunately I can not write as much as I was able to on meth which sucks as I know something inside me really wants to.

    I just keep on having re-collections of when I started my anti depressants and how it blocked me from writing what I wanted to and then always made me feel anxious about it too. Like I would need to re-read every sentence I wrote and then analyse it and make sure that I was ok with it. It absolutely sucks when I give it more thought on what negatives it has done for me as opposed to positives.

    I am going to go to the Dr tomorrow and straight out tell him my situation.

    Now I am pondering if it is a good or bad idea that I do go onto adhd medication?

    Tomorrow I will be taking my first adjusted anti depressant dose and will see how that goes for a week before I make another adjustment.

    My head hurts from not being honest with what has been happening to my own self. I feel like I have raped my own existence just to prove a point to someone else and that outright hurts

    Shame on me.

    This is where meth, alcohol, cocaine, gambling, sex or cigarettes could come in and save the day but that would be very immature of me and would mean the problem continues of me living for something else as me owning up to my mistakes is a mountain of hurt. I know though now where small steps can lead to and I've just taken my first proper one's again after 18 years of being in comma from being hit by the Escapism truck from denial central.
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    If I may make a suggestion... I think finding a good talk therapist could really help you to continue to make progress with yourself. They won't (and can't) try to prescribe you drugs, but will just help you to try to stay on track and get to the bottom of your feelings.

    As for ADHD meds, if you do have ADHD, it could be really helpful, especially if you take them as prescribed, and considering the effect meth had on you.
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