So I quit about 2 weeks ago (today is day 12). I knew my consumption was getting up there but I didn't really realize how bad of an alcohol problem I had until 2 months ago when I ran out of alcohol on a Saturday night, couldn't buy any on Sunday, and ending up fiend-like searching for alcohol and strained a couple shots from some fruit I had leftover after flavoring some moonshine. Anyway, I ended up calculating my consumption and found I was drinking roughly 17 standard drinks a night worth of whiskey in an average of 4 hours (which was surprising to me; I didn't realize how much I was actually consuming and must have been in some level of denial). I immediately tried quitting cold turkey and woke up the next morning in terrible cold sweats, struggling that whole day until the time I would normally have a drink, then feeling a huge wave of relief once that time was reached and I finally had a shot (I've always refused to drink during the day or at any moment when my kids could see me drinking, feeling it was both terrible for them to see me in any altered state and a terrible example to set). Realizing I had to taper, admit myself to an inpatient rehab facility (there are no outpatient options near me), or suffer withdrawal symptoms, I cut down to 8 standard drinks a night for a month, then a week rapid taper down to 0 while also taking 500mg/day of thiamine for the both the last week of tapering and the week after quitting. I realized shortly after quitting and having some long talks with friends that have known me a long time that I was self-medicating an underlying anxiety and mild depression. So I spoke with my doctor who prescribed me 0.5mg Klonopin for anxiety, as well as the insomnia that has been plaguing me for a while, but when I tried one I woke up the next morning with an alcohol-like hangover, vomiting and all. I spoke with her again and got put on Trazodone, but it hasn't really helped my sleep and I haven't been taking it long enough to feel the anxiety and depression relief. The anxiety (especially at night around the time I would start drinking) and insomnia are bad. The depression hasn't been bad at all; I've had no self-harm thoughts or actions before or after quitting, and people around me are noticing I've been in a much better mood since I quit. However, a some of it is me forcing myself to see the positive of everything and trying to avoid drama and problems as much as I can, so it feels kind of forced. I've now found relief for the insomnia in the form of Melatonin taken with my Trazodone, suggested by my Pharmacist. The anxiety, especially at night, is still a big issue. Once the kiddos are in bed and the day is winding down, I still miss the relaxation I got from having a drink and playing some games with friends or watching some TV and letting the day kind of wash away. I don't have cravings for liquor anymore, but the thought of sitting around the TV with a couple friends and having a drink or two to wind down is still quite appealing and something I feel I'm currently missing. I'm hoping continuing on the Trazodone will help the anxiety and let me relax without alcohol, but at the moment I don't really know what to do with myself at night.
I also hate the idea that I'll be forever an alcoholic and can never have another drink again, something being reinforced to me through friends and seen often online. I feel like if I can get a grip on the underlying issues that caused me to drink excessively, having a drink occasionally wouldn't be a problem. I know I'm a ways out from ever being able to have another drink, but I'm an avid believer of "mind over everything", I have a ton of willpower, and hate the thought that I'm incapable of controlling myself and must therefor forever relinquish to that addiction and avoid it cause I'll automatically relapse. When I smoked cigarettes I never had one after waking up, a meal, sex, coffee, etc, basically telling myself that smoking after those actions reinforces the addiction, and had a daily limit I rarely reached but would never go over. I never had a problem quitting cigarettes even though I'd smoked for 6 years and at one point was smoking a pack a day when I had a night job. When I wanted to quit I quit, though to be fair I did get an ecig (I like the action of smoking and still enjoy it occasionally but I vape 0mg). I feel like I could apply that methodology to drinking if I was to attempt to once again enjoy alcohol in moderation. My thought was never drinking spirits or liquor (I know I have a weakness to a fine Scotch and cigar), never drink alone, set myself limits like max standard drinks in a night and how often per week or month, never before 9pm (have already been doing that for years without issue), etc. I feel like if I could get to a point where the underlying issue is good then I'd have no reason for an addiction, but I know for a fact that at any point if I'm having cravings for alcohol it's both too soon to try alcohol again and would be time to quit again as well. I don't know if this is all just my brain chemistry still unable to fully handle sobriety or the fact that I miss the fun times and nightly unwind, or my own stubbornness telling myself what I want to hear. I know it's too early for me to tell or try drinking again until I've gone a good amount of time without a craving and after the underlying issues I'm having are completely in check. I know I need to be sober for awhile and get used to handling every situation without alcohol including the inevitable temptations that will be there at holidays, family functions, and whenever I pick back up my pool cue (I'm taking a break because the only tables near me are in establishments that serve alcohol). But ultimately is it ok to test yourself down the road with precautions in place and see how you fair? Or is it really once an alcoholic, forever an alcoholic?
By now most will have noticed I'm fairly intelligent, quite stubborn (or willful, call it what you will), and am somewhere between an idealistic and realistic thinker. I know I have faults and am working on them. Health wise I'm pretty good. Just had a full battery of tests ran and other than an electrolyte imbalance from quitting and a triglyceride level I'm working on I'm in great health (diets suck yet I rarely "cheat", it's genetic). History wise I started drinking at 15, screwed around with weed and other light stuff like most others do from 16-19, but never tried anything heavy. I've had several short term pain prescriptions as well as street access because of where I grew up and never abused them. I even had a surgery with complications that led to prescription narcotics in my system long enough to develop a mild physical dependency, yet I still quit with a half bottle left without much issue once the pain was manageable without them, and that half bottle took me months to use afterwards. I'm now 30 and am in better health and more active than I was 5-7 years ago. Really I'm just kind of lost with what to do with my night time anxiety, and felt getting all this out might be therapeutic. It has been.
I also hate the idea that I'll be forever an alcoholic and can never have another drink again, something being reinforced to me through friends and seen often online. I feel like if I can get a grip on the underlying issues that caused me to drink excessively, having a drink occasionally wouldn't be a problem. I know I'm a ways out from ever being able to have another drink, but I'm an avid believer of "mind over everything", I have a ton of willpower, and hate the thought that I'm incapable of controlling myself and must therefor forever relinquish to that addiction and avoid it cause I'll automatically relapse. When I smoked cigarettes I never had one after waking up, a meal, sex, coffee, etc, basically telling myself that smoking after those actions reinforces the addiction, and had a daily limit I rarely reached but would never go over. I never had a problem quitting cigarettes even though I'd smoked for 6 years and at one point was smoking a pack a day when I had a night job. When I wanted to quit I quit, though to be fair I did get an ecig (I like the action of smoking and still enjoy it occasionally but I vape 0mg). I feel like I could apply that methodology to drinking if I was to attempt to once again enjoy alcohol in moderation. My thought was never drinking spirits or liquor (I know I have a weakness to a fine Scotch and cigar), never drink alone, set myself limits like max standard drinks in a night and how often per week or month, never before 9pm (have already been doing that for years without issue), etc. I feel like if I could get to a point where the underlying issue is good then I'd have no reason for an addiction, but I know for a fact that at any point if I'm having cravings for alcohol it's both too soon to try alcohol again and would be time to quit again as well. I don't know if this is all just my brain chemistry still unable to fully handle sobriety or the fact that I miss the fun times and nightly unwind, or my own stubbornness telling myself what I want to hear. I know it's too early for me to tell or try drinking again until I've gone a good amount of time without a craving and after the underlying issues I'm having are completely in check. I know I need to be sober for awhile and get used to handling every situation without alcohol including the inevitable temptations that will be there at holidays, family functions, and whenever I pick back up my pool cue (I'm taking a break because the only tables near me are in establishments that serve alcohol). But ultimately is it ok to test yourself down the road with precautions in place and see how you fair? Or is it really once an alcoholic, forever an alcoholic?
By now most will have noticed I'm fairly intelligent, quite stubborn (or willful, call it what you will), and am somewhere between an idealistic and realistic thinker. I know I have faults and am working on them. Health wise I'm pretty good. Just had a full battery of tests ran and other than an electrolyte imbalance from quitting and a triglyceride level I'm working on I'm in great health (diets suck yet I rarely "cheat", it's genetic). History wise I started drinking at 15, screwed around with weed and other light stuff like most others do from 16-19, but never tried anything heavy. I've had several short term pain prescriptions as well as street access because of where I grew up and never abused them. I even had a surgery with complications that led to prescription narcotics in my system long enough to develop a mild physical dependency, yet I still quit with a half bottle left without much issue once the pain was manageable without them, and that half bottle took me months to use afterwards. I'm now 30 and am in better health and more active than I was 5-7 years ago. Really I'm just kind of lost with what to do with my night time anxiety, and felt getting all this out might be therapeutic. It has been.
