Help! I'm a suicidal mess

[BourbonMac]

I genuinely don't know what to do. If anyone has followed some of my posts you'd know it's related to tinnitus.
In the last ~2 weeks, it's gotten so bad it's basically a constant spike, no more periods of silence and if I do get them, they don't last long.
This was the case tonight. I was at least glad to have some relief, then I went and did my sinus steroid rinse and read online that popping your ears after using it is a good way to get the steroid into your eustachian tubes. Well I did this, and immediately, the biggest explosion of hissing, roaring, ringing static came on. I thought I'd known the worst of it, but this is unlivable.

My tinnitus was 100% gone in May, June and July after I had surgery on my sinuses. I get a CT scan in 12 days, and if the results don't find anything, I think I'm genuinely going to end it. I've already been behaving self-destructively. Cutting my forearms, licking up the blood like a madman and then putting alcohol on it. I'm completely losing my mind. It's such a terrible noise.

To make matters worse... THC, the only drug that keeps me sane, causes it to spike horribly, and I don't think its temporary either. It's impossible to tell. Sometimes I'll have more than usual one night and the next morning is quieter. Other times it's the opposite, usually it's much worse the next day, and I don't understand. I've smoked weed for almost 12 years and never had tinnitus from it. Even last year when I had tinnitus, which was extremely mild compared to now, I wanted to kill myself. But even then, THC didn't really spike it.

I'm just at a loss, I don't know what to do. Again, completely losing my mind... Maybe if my life didn't suck so much as is it wouldn't bother me as much. All I know is, there's a 75% chance I won't live past this month, and I just have to get that out of me. If I'm not posting for more than a week or two, you'll know what happened. I'm sorry to disturb anyone with this, it's like talking to a brick wall in a way, what even is an appropriate response?

And yes, I've tried everything. The skull tapping, vitamin b1, cutting back on THC, prednisone. Nothing works. Also tried those videos with high frequency shit which apparently works for some, but no, nothing. I just wanna strangle the motherfucker who decided it's a good idea to pop your ears after nasal steroids. Absolutely do not fucking do this. Like I can't even listen to music, it's ringing too loud, and if I turn it up too high I'll just make it worse.

The ringing really controls me, I'm a slave to it. I was having an otherwise relaxing night until this stupid popping bullshit. I go completely psycho when it spikes this bad, way beyond who I am and how I normally act. Just have no idea what the fuck to do anymore.

The results of the CT are what my life hangs on, it's the last hope. I just can't live with tinnitus this bad. Something physical has to be wrong, sometimes just burping or even swallowing can ramp up the volume. That happened this evening, my right ear was 1/10, I had a mini burp, instantly goes up to 7/10 and it remained there all evening. It went down to a 2 after I showered, it usually does go down after I shower for a little while, but it used to be longer...

 

[Eligiu]

Hi,

I have some mild tinnitus I think from playing drums as a teenager, with my music I was playing to turned up to the absolute max, as well as attending a lot of heavy metal concerts and listening to music as loud as I could. I was warned about all this, but yeah. Teenage years.

Mine tends to come and go. I haven't had it long enough to be able to know any tricks.

However I do know what it's like to be suicidal because of something that is continually happening to you, which is something I have struggled with and continue to struggle with to this day.

My only real suggestion is to seek some kind of medical attention for why there could be something weird causing it, the same way I have gone out of my way to seek a very specific type of therapy for my needs.

You are supported here, and I do hope you find something that helps even if it isn't a usual cause of the issue. Maybe another poster has something they personally can add about your problem.

I truly hope things get better for you.

 

[TheUltimateFixx]

I've heard of these 2 options, which I don't know however if you can access where you live :

1. TMS therapy (transcranial magnetic stimulation). Not originally developed to treat this problem but has shown good results.
2. Lenire, a wearable device (you do not have to keep wearing it) which has shown significant symptom reduction in a majority of treated patients.

 

[BourbonMac]

hey man so sorry to hear your struggling so hard with this. ive had tinnitus for over 10 years now it is caused by one of my medications its a very rare side effect and i just happened to get it lol bad luck huh. ive tried all the "tricks" to try and get rid of it too cos its really loud especially in my left ear and especially when its quiet like when im trying to get to sleep at night it can be almost deafening and gives me a headache cos the pitch of the ringing is so piercing in my ears (especially the left)

so i feel for you man i really do

white noise REALLY helps and meditation helps me too. learning how to silence out the sound using your mind. forget about trying to get rid of the tinnitus using medications and anything medical or surgical or with weed or whatever. for me, dealing with my tinnitus is a MENTAL game, not a medical one. i mean dont get me wrong youre absolutely right to be getting the ct scan to see if there is something inside your ear/brain causing the tinnitus but if the ct scan comes back all clear then what? that means you have no answer to why you have tinnitus. and keep in mind that MOST PEOPLE who have tinnitus never know why it happens. no one really knows the true science of how and why it occurs which is why we dont know how to fix it yet.

but as annoying and distracting and unsettling as tinnitus is it is not a reason to end your life. like i said ive had tinnitus for 10 years and now i have learned to live with it and most of the time when im active and doing stuff it doesnt bother me any more. its only when its quiet that the ringing becomes deafening and i have to either turn on the tv or some music or put on some white noise, any kind of background noise, and like i said daily meditation really helps to strengthen your mind to be able to deal with it

feel free to inbox me if you wanna talk about it more

Even with white noise, music, being on the highway, it's still way louder than everything, so I can't really drown it out. I can have 3 fans on full blast and it's still way louder. Something changed to make it there 24/7 in the past 2 weeks so I've been getting 2 hours of sleep a night pretty much this whole time, I'm just losing it.

 

[paranoid android]

OMG i can totally sympathize I have really bad tinnitus from doing construction work when i was younger and the shit drives me insane. Right now my ears are blocked up with wax so it's really bad at the moment. I think (don't quote me on this) that Xanax may help tinnitus i read it in a doctors column once. I guess it would just calm you down and make it less noticeable. I do find benzos to help but then so does morphine so i guess any distraction helps. Not that benzos are without their risks but it's better then being suicidal imo

 

[BourbonMac]

I'm on Valium at the moment, I'd managed to come off of it. Well, I was sort of pulled off of it with no warning, and had to use Gabapentin to get by. I'd been taking 10-15mg for 6 months or something, so maybe it wasn't bad enough to cause severe withdrawal especially given I wasn't using that much Gabapentin. I did pull out other stops like valerian root and passionflower, even have some kava capsules though I can't say they really do much. But yeah, benzos are better than killing yourself. I really did want to be off of them because THC is so much better for my anxiety and depression though I don't tend to function that well using it during the day and exclusively use it at night. That's what I'd been wanting to do for a long time. I can't say the Valium really helps all that much though, because even if I'm on 15mg or something I'm just as likely to wig out about my ears.

Then again it naturally doesn't do as much as it did at first, when 7.5mg could get me so fucked I couldn't even walk straight. That's where I was at the beginning of the year, but my issues were different, I had chronic G.I problems after being put on 4 different antibiotics for "sinus infections." Yeah, no, I needed surgery, but insurance makes you go over all these hurdles before they'll give it to you. I was fucked for months, dropped to 115 pounds at 6"1, with large calves, so I looked terrifyingly thin. I'm close to 145 now, breaking past 135 was always basically impossible for me. Valium would get rid of my G.I issues and allow me to eat, though since I only liked to take it at night that's when I would eat the most. Once my tinnitus was gone I was already getting ready to come off the Valium, but since its return, I can't imagine I'll ever get off of it. It might not help that much but it does help.

My GP upped my dose of Gabapentin to 900mg a day to see if it'd cut the tinnitus, I doubt it will. Not only is it ototoxic and can worsen tinnitus but I took 900mg last night and it didn't help, that's where it usually maxes out for me. It has been shown to reverse tinnitus from acoustic trauma if given soon enough, though I think steroids are more suited for it.

Ironically even though THC makes it worse, it equalizes in both ears to the point where I don't really notice it as much, but it's still there. That and the fact that I'm too high to give a shit. If there's any way I'm going to survive it's by keeping on getting high. There's no way it caused this after 11.7 years of consuming it without this issue. Well, I guess I can recall a couple times where I had tinnitus from it, but I was either smoking really bad shit, or in this one period I was taking Accutane for acne and I had tinnitus on that a lot.

I would notice it but it didn't seem to come to the forefront of my mind, because at that time I was becoming a professional speedrunner, and even thought maybe my CRT whine was causing it or something. I was at the cusp of straight up fame and being able to make a living off of it, but even if I could, I don't know that I'd like this. Sitting in a room all day playing games, I barely play any video games anymore. I care more about music and physical activity. It was something I'd been interested in since the dawn of it, but I didn't mean to get that good. I don't figure many people on here are interested in that. I've wanted to get back into that hobby somewhat, but online gaming communities are so damn toxic. I haven't seen anything even close to the level of pettiness and general shitty ways people talk on this forum. It's very much cohesive here, people connect based on experiences or difficulties.

Every time I get high I instantly start thinking how important it is that I need to live. It'd almost be wiser to just get high as soon as I feel suicidal, but I still haven't fully ruled out THC being the cause given I've pretty much only been hitting dab pens and I was doing this to excess for awhile. I cut way back though and even skipped some days. I was in Nebraska last month and on the last 2 days there I hit my pens to excess because I was so sad to leave, it's where all of my family live and so many of my cousins I never got to see for almost a decade and they grew up forgetting who I was. And those last 2 days of hitting my pen to excess resulted in no real bad spikes, which I didn't expect.

They're from a dispensary so nothing odd would be in them, and I've still gotten tinnitus from edibles or a couple of times when I smoked flower instead. There's just something very specific about distillate oil that gives me the best and most consistent feeling. Flowers were always a crapshoot whether or not I'd get a nice body high or not, and that's what I prefer. I did take a kratom extract the last night before I left stopping in Iowa on the way home at an uncle's, but I really doubt that would have reduced the tinnitus. I take kratom normally, but had never taken an extract and saw one in a gas station and figured whatever, let's try it as a one off. I'd be very surprised if that's what reduced the tinnitus given opioids are ototoxic in general. Then again fucking 95% of medications out there are, so it's like pick your poison. THC isn't, yet it's known to cause tinnitus in lots of people, like 25% of users, at least while they're high.

 

[Painful One]

God, I feel your pain @BourbonMac
I do not have tinnitus but I have chronic lower back pain that flares up so bad it feels like I am having kidney failure.
it is worse than that, feels like someone is torturing me.
Acute nerve pain in back. Cannot eat, sleep, or stand up and more when it flares up.
spinal cord crushing.
I don’t know how much longer I can take it honestly.
It keeps me from living .
It is just constant fear about having a flare up. Trying to keep it under control. Some kind of stability.

Sorry, I have not been able to sleep for five days and nights now. or eat and have been sweating so much.
Even with serious pain medication, it is so bad.
I feel like I am going to die every time this happens.
I think I come close to death quite often.

I need to leave this just in case I get a migraine on top of it and cannot speak.
To show hospital.
I am so tired of trying to explain this to doctors, family, forget friends, they all abandoned me long ago and I cannot blame them.

Maybe just time to shoot myself.

 

[Painful One]

it would be great for you if you could get the idea of suicide being an option off the table for you. ive been suicidal a lot in the past and even attempted (and thankfully failed) and now i just tell myself that suicide is not an option. its simply not an option man. once your tell yourself over and over that suicide is not an option you will focus on finding a proper solution

You just have no idea the exquisite levels that pain can get to.
yes, suicide is an option!
if only I could get someone to shoot me and make sure I die!

 

[kiely]

It does hurt to have lower back pain. I can remember going to the hospital about seven times. It was remote so there weren't any clinics. But it was really busy because of course it's an emergency room.

So I kept going to the ER and telling them please I have a kidney infection or my kidneys hurt so bad. Cried for someone to please help. Lool. And then this one doctor was all like . . . hmm are you mentally ill. You should go get some help.

Lool I mean I know they were really busy and it was an emergency room and the tests kept coming up negative for the kidney infection. Urine. And urine a hospital. And they are like go away crazy little you. I was just young and who would have known.

Anyway I was able to go get help from another doctor somewhere who said oh wow you have sciatica lool. So here I am crazy and sciatic now too. So I was young and able to physical therapy and stretches and yoga and I was fine until . . . I got older and sciatica got worse. lool. But it really wasn't funny because how I ended up at the hospital one

more time before I found a doctor that helped was like this . . . I wake up in the morning and every time I would breath in my ribs hurt so bad I couldn't believe it. So I went to the hospital and then found a doctor.

So it went away and then later . . .much later, it started all over again and Norco and physical therapy always helped.

Now it's all a rheumatic inflammatory immune disorder that is so terrible it's actually sickness. Before I got the proper medication recently I would cry myself to sleep and not be able to even twitch without hurting.

My bones got so bad they would crunch really bad when I would try to walk. And I always worked out and ate healthy so I would be healthy and so something like this wouldn't happen to me. I mean it hurts so bad that ice packs and heating pads wouldn't stop the torment. And then I was thinking at least I am dying and then I never do.

The thing about the gun is that if I twitch in the wrong way and I pull the trigger I might actually live.

And you know what, I don't need a bullet to suffer. I can do it really well on my own. I guess I am just independent like that. And people moan and groan about little petty things. Ohh they use me for my money. How about trying and feeling like you are dying from unexplainable pain from one minute to the next. Then they're all like, I can't get laid I'm gonna die. Maybe we should all die is what the problem is then.

Crying about little petty money issues and being uncomfortable with this, that, and the other thing. And all because of drugs. How about being in so much physical pain that you can't think. Because of physical torment. That will probably never ever go away now even if I do quit drugs. The medication stops the inflammation even if I quit taking A pain

medication is what is being said. Yeah I actually need both. But others see me and can't even see my pain and think that I can just make it go away somehow. So what the ever is money going to do. It's the drugs that are going to numb you. If you have your freiking health you actually have it all, really.

So pretty much I am crippled unless I keep taking medication for now. Doctor says it won't get better and will only get worse. And that's how it started and that's how it keeps going. It's the inflammation from this sick planet that want's to kill me but it can't.

Anyway my brain is all broken now from going through that. It affects everything. I take medication now but I can't think very well and I can't function real well so I just don't do that much and just really don't care. I still go out and do what I can in this world but I am not the same as I was before.

I am just broken and I just can't and I don't really care. Or maybe I just can't because of my slowness of my brain. So I survive for now. I can't even die. If I don't take medicine I can't even get out of bed because my skeletal system won't support me if I don't have medicine in me. And it's a slow crippling death without medication. Maybe another thirty years.

Hopefully I will get some kind of cancer that will be quick and fast. Maybe a year and a half at the most. And finally freedom. Yeah !! Yeah I love my party and have fun world. Ewww yeah it doesn't get any better than this now does it. Party on have more fun. Let's just run around like it's so hot and sizzling. Not. Yeah welcome to my freikin fun house. Ya can't stand ya it's so fun

it doesn't even make sense. That's so hot . . . . I could just barf. Who wants to go out for a malt and just giggle and giggle about life. Ohh. We do, we do. I wish I had pain medication but all I have is Neurontin what ever that joke is. So I guess I would rather just lay here and die than take that nasty powder stuff that just sickens my

brains even more. . The good news is that the deadly pain that doesn't stop isn't as bad anymore. But that's it. I am still miserable and all that I do is try to get better each day.

Ewww. Welcome to my fun party. Oh yeah let's go have some wild and crazy fun together. Really ? I'm f'ing sick. And then get told to go seek help because I'm sure no fun anymore. Lool. You just have to wonder . . . .sometimes. Just I'm alone and doing just fine and broken and there it is. Childish fun where are you. Maybe if I keep trying even more harder.

Yeah I just can't wait to go out on my yacht do a whole bunch of coke and fall off the side and drown. And land like a titty. Turn me on yeah baby. Who's going to be the miracle brains now. Because this is what it has come to. I finally have to accept that there is nothing that is going to help. Nothing. It's over. Bye for now.

Just try try try to have too much fun. You know it will be just so worth it. I do have a gun though when i am really ready to try if I have to. I can bloody up my own place any time now. I'm already dead inside and they still keep trying to finish me off.

How much more hilarious does it have to get. It's so funny it's not even funny anymore. And i don't even give a ----. But I can I'm sure. . . but its just not even fun anymore. It's true. Maybe I could die by chainsaw wouldn't that be interesting. If I could only die that is.

Yeah I don't even do anything and am dying of severe death and then listen to people wine and complain about nothing. So I'm dead inside. Does anyone want to come and finish me off. I'm sure that they do. I'm waiting to get you, too.

 

[BourbonMac]

Well, I did randomly have a period of quiet this morning, like really quiet. My right ear had nothing, my left ear a tiny whir. I've been taking something called benfotiamine and it hasn't really been helping but I was taking them spaced out and not on an empty stomach, and I guess amino acids are best taken empty. I'll have to repeat the experiment tomorrow. I mean, it only lasted for about 2 hours before it was coming back, but I was very surprised. I got higher than usual last night and this is like the 7th time that doing that has resulted in my ears suddenly being quieter in the morning, so it really is puzzling to me whether THC has anything to do with the development of this. My ears were fucking destroyed when I got up, took those, went to go to my brothers and see my little twin 1 year old nephews and almost 4 year old nephew. I don't know if the benfo shit could've worked that fast, it just like, so randomly went away. I'll repeat the experiment tomorrow and see if the same thing happens. Benfotiamine is basically a more saturated version of thiamine (vitamin b1)

And I'm really sorry painful one, I hope this thread didn't somehow stimulate suicidal thoughts because of how genuinely depressing it was to read.

 

[Nas47]

You just have no idea the exquisite levels that pain can get to.
yes, suicide is an option!
if only I could get someone to shoot me and make sure I die!

No,no,no!!!Stop it.I was talkin' same things before few months.....u know very well it will pass.Hold on Painful.U are strong

 

[Painful One]

No,no,no!!!Stop it.I was talkin' same things before few months.....u know very well it will pass.Hold on Painful.U are strong

I am trying . I am so tired.
My quality of life is just down to....I cannot sit, stand, or walk when the flare up’s hit.
Not to mention cannot eat, or sleep.
All winter is like this. The cold weather makes my body tighten up and it is just living hell.
Even on so called “ good days”, it is so exhausting, so hard for me to even be driven in the car to my doctor appointment.

Even with morphine, clonazepam, and gabapentin....the pain gets so severe, that I am moaning in pain all day and night to release some of the pressure.

I was hit from behind at high speed on the freeway and I thought I was dead for sure. I saw it coming and my life flashed before me and I saw the hit throwing my car forward and killing others in front of me. I didn’t want it to hurt anyone else and so I tightened my legs up on the clutch and brake pedal. It was a crushing blow. Hit my head so fucking hard.
Doctors told me I would have been better off if My neck and my back would have broken.
(Death)

I have no quality of life left. I cannot even sit at the dinner table and eat a dinner with my family because I cannot hold myself up.
I struggle through just bathing myself and it takes me hours on just a good day.
Cannot sleep due to heaviness, stabbing pains in feet, numbness, keep waking up, exhausted but in too much pain to sleep.
I just kind of pass out due to sheer exhaustion for a few hours here and there.

I have basically been on a hospice type care plan for years now.

Things are getting worse though.
I have cataracts on my eyes, need dental work, need a haircut but am so crippled that I cannot even make it to appointments.
I have very few “good days” where I could make it, but they don’t have walk in cataract removal or dental work.
Those things are the least of my problems really but I can barely see to even keep myself entertained with computer anymore.

I just think I am at The End.
I couldn’t even kill myself though, I would need assisted help.

 

[Painful One]

Well, I did randomly have a period of quiet this morning, like really quiet. My right ear had nothing, my left ear a tiny whir. I've been taking something called benfotiamine and it hasn't really been helping but I was taking them spaced out and not on an empty stomach, and I guess amino acids are best taken empty. I'll have to repeat the experiment tomorrow. I mean, it only lasted for about 2 hours before it was coming back, but I was very surprised. I got higher than usual last night and this is like the 7th time that doing that has resulted in my ears suddenly being quieter in the morning, so it really is puzzling to me whether THC has anything to do with the development of this. My ears were fucking destroyed when I got up, took those, went to go to my brothers and see my little twin 1 year old nephews and almost 4 year old nephew. I don't know if the benfo shit could've worked that fast, it just like, so randomly went away. I'll repeat the experiment tomorrow and see if the same thing happens. Benfotiamine is basically a more saturated version of thiamine (vitamin b1)

And I'm really sorry painful one, I hope this thread didn't somehow stimulate suicidal thoughts because of how genuinely depressing it was to read.

Glad to hear you got some relief for a few hours.
So happy for you.
Keep working on figuring out different things that help and things that aggravate it.
You have to find the answers.

You have much to live for friend. You were able to play with your young family members! that alone is worth living for.

Do not worry, you did not cause thoughts of suicide for me.
You gave me a chance to write things down as I cannot even speak at times and I most likely will have no choice but to go to the hospital soon. Plus I wanted you guys to understand if I have to leave you soon.
My body is just broken. I made it long enough to help my dad through his terrible illness of multiple system atrophy, and helped my mom through it.

I just can’t keep going like this, it is not a life.
It is just a torture beyond what I wish any of you to understand.
It is not something I have control of or can change.
My spine is gone.

 

[kiely]

I'm so sorry @Painful One . I'm so sorry. I don't even feel like complaining ever again about myself.

I'm sorry and prayers too for you. Many. And try hold on. I know we all want you to get well.

Feel better soon. Please take care.

 

[Nas47]

I am trying . I am so tired.
My quality of life is just down to....I cannot sit, stand, or walk when the flare up’s hit.
Not to mention cannot eat, or sleep.
All winter is like this. The cold weather makes my body tighten up and it is just living hell.
Even on so called “ good days”, it is so exhausting, so hard for me to even be driven in the car to my doctor appointment.

Even with morphine, clonazepam, and gabapentin....the pain gets so severe, that I am moaning in pain all day and night to release some of the pressure.

I was hit from behind at high speed on the freeway and I thought I was dead for sure. I saw it coming and my life flashed before me and I saw the hit throwing my car forward and killing others in front of me. I didn’t want it to hurt anyone else and so I tightened my legs up on the clutch and brake pedal. It was a crushing blow. Hit my head so fucking hard.
Doctors told me I would have been better off if My neck and my back would have broken.
(Death)

I have no quality of life left. I cannot even sit at the dinner table and eat a dinner with my family because I cannot hold myself up.
I struggle through just bathing myself and it takes me hours on just a good day.
Cannot sleep due to heaviness, stabbing pains in feet, numbness, keep waking up, exhausted but in too much pain to sleep.
I just kind of pass out due to sheer exhaustion for a few hours here and there.

I have basically been on a hospice type care plan for years now.

Things are getting worse though.
I have cataracts on my eyes, need dental work, need a haircut but am so crippled that I cannot even make it to appointments.
I have very few “good days” where I could make it, but they don’t have walk in cataract removal or dental work.
Those things are the least of my problems really but I can barely see to even keep myself entertained with computer anymore.

I just think I am at The End.
I couldn’t even kill myself though, I would need assisted help.

Fuck.I see now....u are not a junkie.....just pain patient....this is terrible trauma for ur body&soul.Destiny.....but u are alive wantin' or not.....till u breathe there is hope.Take ur meds&try to move....little by little...step by step....i got car accident too....20 years ago....three wrackages for one day...was too loaded on H&benzos...so don't remember well.We were may be four in a car....all others just leave....got scared....and then came the final crash-direct hit with another oposite car(i was without belt).obviously slept on the wheel.....and broke the front glass with my head...yeh got an iron head......and fists also....don't know why God protect such stupid mothafucka like me till this day.....mysteries all around.wish u more free of pain days Painful OneGod bless u!

 

[kiely]

 

[kiely]

Yeah, omg I have flare up days too. I usually do good in the middle of the week. Lol. My week. Thursday until Thursday.

 

[Señor Moreno]

I genuinely don't know what to do. If anyone has followed some of my posts you'd know it's related to tinnitus.
In the last ~2 weeks, it's gotten so bad it's basically a constant spike, no more periods of silence and if I do get them, they don't last long.
This was the case tonight. I was at least glad to have some relief, then I went and did my sinus steroid rinse and read online that popping your ears after using it is a good way to get the steroid into your eustachian tubes. Well I did this, and immediately, the biggest explosion of hissing, roaring, ringing static came on. I thought I'd known the worst of it, but this is unlivable.

My tinnitus was 100% gone in May, June and July after I had surgery on my sinuses. I get a CT scan in 12 days, and if the results don't find anything, I think I'm genuinely going to end it. I've already been behaving self-destructively. Cutting my forearms, licking up the blood like a madman and then putting alcohol on it. I'm completely losing my mind. It's such a terrible noise.

To make matters worse... THC, the only drug that keeps me sane, causes it to spike horribly, and I don't think its temporary either. It's impossible to tell. Sometimes I'll have more than usual one night and the next morning is quieter. Other times it's the opposite, usually it's much worse the next day, and I don't understand. I've smoked weed for almost 12 years and never had tinnitus from it. Even last year when I had tinnitus, which was extremely mild compared to now, I wanted to kill myself. But even then, THC didn't really spike it.

I'm just at a loss, I don't know what to do. Again, completely losing my mind... Maybe if my life didn't suck so much as is it wouldn't bother me as much. All I know is, there's a 75% chance I won't live past this month, and I just have to get that out of me. If I'm not posting for more than a week or two, you'll know what happened. I'm sorry to disturb anyone with this, it's like talking to a brick wall in a way, what even is an appropriate response?

And yes, I've tried everything. The skull tapping, vitamin b1, cutting back on THC, prednisone. Nothing works. Also tried those videos with high frequency shit which apparently works for some, but no, nothing. I just wanna strangle the motherfucker who decided it's a good idea to pop your ears after nasal steroids. Absolutely do not fucking do this. Like I can't even listen to music, it's ringing too loud, and if I turn it up too high I'll just make it worse.

The ringing really controls me, I'm a slave to it. I was having an otherwise relaxing night until this stupid popping bullshit. I go completely psycho when it spikes this bad, way beyond who I am and how I normally act. Just have no idea what the fuck to do anymore.

The results of the CT are what my life hangs on, it's the last hope. I just can't live with tinnitus this bad. Something physical has to be wrong, sometimes just burping or even swallowing can ramp up the volume. That happened this evening, my right ear was 1/10, I had a mini burp, instantly goes up to 7/10 and it remained there all evening. It went down to a 2 after I showered, it usually does go down after I shower for a little while, but it used to be longer...

What a torture pain is, man. I hope that CT helps and maybe you could find a treatment that works.
Big hug, Bourbon

God, I feel your pain @BourbonMac
I do not have tinnitus but I have chronic lower back pain that flares up so bad it feels like I am having kidney failure.
it is worse than that, feels like someone is torturing me.
Acute nerve pain in back. Cannot eat, sleep, or stand up and more when it flares up.
spinal cord crushing.
I don’t know how much longer I can take it honestly.
It keeps me from living .
It is just constant fear about having a flare up. Trying to keep it under control. Some kind of stability.

Sorry, I have not been able to sleep for five days and nights now. or eat and have been sweating so much.
Even with serious pain medication, it is so bad.
I feel like I am going to die every time this happens.
I think I come close to death quite often.

I need to leave this just in case I get a migraine on top of it and cannot speak.
To show hospital.
I am so tired of trying to explain this to doctors, family, forget friends, they all abandoned me long ago and I cannot blame them.

Maybe just time to shoot myself.

Are you feeling a little better Painful?
I know you are suffering, nerve pain is worse than others in the way that it is electric, it feels exactly like someone is fucking torturing you, then stop, then again. It is no linear and it is very hard to fight, you can't make it dissapear by using enought pain killers, it simply doesn't work like that.
I fear gabaergics, buck the fuckers seem to be one of the most effective meds for that. So, if you already are on gabapentin, wouldn't you benefit more from pregabalin, perhaps?
I hate it, I really do, but it helps.
I also had and have nerve pain in my Breck awful, but recently I got an artery messing with my trigeminal nerve. Total different level of pain, absolutely crazy and unbareable. Don't even want to talk about it, only want to say that while morphine didn't touch it, Lyrica helped, not in the accute phase, but it made a change for the better during next weeks.

I know it has been a long road for you and you are tired of it all. Pain doesn't mean only pain, it also means misery and loneliness.
But we have something inside, Painful. I can't give it a name but we have it, dear friend.
It will help you, like it has done before, I am sure.
And, most important, we also have love. There is people who really care about us, don't mind if it is family or marriage or legit deep friendship, we have that people.
If not for anything else, we should stand and survive for that people. They are allways for us, and the day that they might need us, we have to stay there for them.
You will make it out of this hole, Painful.
Send you all my love ❤❤❤

 

[Pissed_and_messed]

I know you are suffering, nerve pain is worse than others in the way that it is electric, it feels exactly like someone is fucking torturing you, then stop, then again. It is no linear and it is very hard to fight, you can't make it dissapear by using enought pain killers, it simply doesn't work like that.

yea it sucks combination of mindfulness and distraction seem to be best ways to go about it, I have found there is not really much else to do about it.

 

[Pissed_and_messed]

I really relate to this tinnitus thing. I have only very mild tinnitus and I don't really care much about audial distortion, but tactile dysphoric sensations really get me bad time every day. It fucking sucks and I live in almost constant lack of sense of safety.