• we have all done unforgivable things
• we have all wanted to punch holes in a wall
• we have all made someone cry
• we have all let someone down
• we have all had a broken heart
• we have all told a lie
• we have all wanted to throw our life away
• we have all stayed up late overthinking
• we are all humans and we are trying to do
better today than we did yesterday
just wanted to apologise for my slackness on here over the past week. i have been really unwell, like dizzy even sitting up. went and got some blood tests at the hospital yesterday because i was getting worried something was terribly wrong and all came back fine. i'm starting to think its psychosomatic cos we are starting to plan going back to work and i can't handle it. i'm so scared i won't be able to get a new job, this one is putting me at risk of relapse.
I'm literally peaking on alcohol withdrawal right now (6 years). I'm running out of ideas. Phenibut doesn't help, Kratom doesn't help. I took some meds to possibly help prevent seizures but I'm still worried about it. I should probably go to a doctor but I honestly can't afford it (I have no health insurance).
The worst part is I have a few hundred dollars in a bitcoin account ready to buy drugs on the dark net... the only thing stopping me is my weak self will and the fact that it would take several days to get to me.
I'm trying to man up. I hate alcohol. I (still) love drugs though.
My father is in the hospital for liver failure from being a lifelong alcoholic.
And here I am. Following in his footsteps.
I think if I can get over the next 24 hours I should be OK.
I've been through worse withdrawals honestly (opioids/benzos).
I don't have anyone to talk to this time though, except you beautiful strangers.
I cant seem to focus at all. Drugs kept the negative voice quiet for decades, now he's the most powerful in the universe. He knows his subject so well; his logic seems infallible to me.
Not enough Time.
Not new to this forum but on a new account since I want to keep that stuff separate. I just wanted to get some stuff out there before I talk with my sponsor about it.
I'm in AA because its really the only program that's active in my area. I do attend MA once a week though and NA on occasion. My drug of choice is definitely pot. It was something I could not control for the life of me and led me to make some really bad decisions that really screwed my life up. I was definitely a garbage head but weed was my glue. I've been in and out of the rooms of AA for about two years. Currently 100% clean, and coming up on 6 months. My life has gotten better, no doubt about it. I have motivation, I'm working a lot on career advancement, I love my relationships with people in sobriety, I am actually starting to love myself again and I have purpose in my life. Everything is heading in the right direction and yet I'm feeling incredibly resentful of the program and I want to use. I find myself looking up drugs, thinking about doing MDMA and wanting to drink beer. I almost don't want to smoke pot because I've seen that movie so many times I know how it goes, but I want to do everything else.
I know this is a lie but fuck it's making me struggle.
It make zero sense that my life is going in a much better direction and yet I want to introduce some chaos. Why? Why do I feel the need to sabotage my recovery?
I just wanted to vent a little bit because I'm feeling uneasy right now. Thanks for listening.
Personally, its depressing for me when I think I can never get high again. Have spent my share of time in the meetings, never really got the just for today thing. But for me, that mindset is the only one that works. When I think about forever, it's too overwhelming and depressing. Stay busy, you're not crazy, our disease has some crazy symptoms though
i totally get you. i've been in NA for a while and it really helped me when I got out of rehab, but tbh i am starting to feel like NA is too militant, i've allowed myself small amounts of alcohol with people who i know i am safe around, i.e. i wouldn't be able to go and score. i don't really see that or mdma as sabotaging your recovery. but if you are thinking about those things because you want to escape some sort of inner discomfort rather than for genuine fun, then i think its a dangerous game to play. in that case you'd be better addressing your underlying issue.
Never lose hope, Always have faith, It allows you to cope.
Trying times will pass, As they always do, Just have patience, Your dreams will come true. So put on a smile, You'll live through your pain, know it will pass, And strength you will gain. ♡