Recovery ⫸⫸ THE RECOVERY THREAD 2020 ⫷⫷

[wudbutcher]

i

it changes ! it does ! you gotta fight through it!
then you will know. you can.
we all fall down. getting back up again makes us grow stronger.

Not always, my friend. Sometimes things break during the fall.

 

[Jabberwocky]

I really wish i could quit bupre. I feel like empty shell without it. I feel like i'm soulless man. I made this account when i was trying to quit, that's where my name comes from.
I will make concentrated effort focusing only on myself to quit. It will be my biggest try. I will get a stash of stuff which will help me.
My advice for everyone trying to quit is a mind game you can play with yourself.
Don't compare yourself to others, compare yourself to yourself of yesterday and ask yourself this - Have i done any progress?
If you have, you can be proud of yourself. You will see how you become better person every day.
This helped me a lot when i tried to quit.
I wish you gentlemen and ladies the best luck and hopefully not so horrible withdrawals.
Best regards - DMW

 

[chinup]

hylight sorry you're feeling low, glad to see you still fighing. you're always a positive influence in here even when you're feeling shitty yourself, you deserve so much better.

dmw- you are totally right about now comparing yourself to others, and being proud of yourself is super important. good luck trying to quite bupe.

 

[Hylight]

Not always, my friend. Sometimes things break during the fall.

it' up to you 2 get back up.
-2020

sometimes you fall down by accident.

 

[chinup]

how's everyone getting on today? i ran nearly 8km this morning, longest run i've done, i'm really getting into it during lockdown, having the time and not smoking is helping. like i actively want to do it instead of forcing myself to cos its good for me.

 

[Hylight]

ohh 2 days without xanax.

I am proud, but anxious.

 

[Iceman1216]

I sincerely hope all trying to clean up succeed. If your young>40, still a lot of time to enjoy. The very fact that you're considering means it isn't working. Gets no better.
Peace

No truer words have ever been spoken!!
I have been off of alcohol since 1983( when I went to my first AA meeting in my small town of 3,500, and everyone knew me and I them!! I was 23 and way younger than everyone else .
It was a blessing, and the promises have come True.
I have a wonderful life, and I need to do a gratitude list every morning to remember that. It is amazing to me how fast my brain goes to Shit, and negative !!
All the best to all working toward clean & Sober lives. If you feel you have a problem, most likely you are ready to stop!!

 

[Iceman1216]

Hows everyone doing today?
I am 24 hours no Opiates, or any drugs except my lexapro??
I have gabipentin, for when things get sideways. I do not know what the out come will be with stopping, Pain is a bitch, but I am also not doing anything to help it other than eating pain meds

 

[somnilicious]

Hello everybody.... I was doing fantastic instill I just recently relapsed a few weeks ago. I have been doing huge amounts of this weird fentanyl mix that has a very strange substance mixed in which is also addictive.I know this because of the strange experiences I have had on the substance and because methadone doesn't completely cover up the sick. After a little research I believe it to be mixed with a synth noid.

Work is going well and I have a decent amount of money saved up for the first time. I am resolute in getting back on track before it all spirals out of control. Working while trying to kick is just so difficult. I need to find some gabapentin. Perhaps phenibut would help.

I hope everyone is doing well. My life got so much better since I kicked dope at the beginning of the year. I don't know why I decided to come back to this place. I need to figure out how to fill that empty void that alwayspushes me towards relapse. This disease is so cunning and insideous. It has definitely been a life long battle and the crux of my difficulties.... Love all other addicts in this struggle. Keep your head up and stay in the fight. Never stop stopping... Self improvement is a process of many small steps that add up to a giant leap forward. It is so worth the struggle to get and stay clean. I'm glad to once again have the motivation to kick this covid relapse to the curb and start making positive progress again...

 

[somnilicious]

@Hylight, @Captain.Heroin, @chinup , @Iceman1216, @Rio Fantastic, @DeadManWalkin', @wudbutcher, @SnafuInTheVoid, @nznity and to anybody else trying to clean up and better your life. I hope I didn't forget anybody. It has been a while since I checked in and there are so many new postors and it is very comforting to come back and see the same familiar posters. I hope everyone in the SLR community is doing well. Love you guys.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

@Hylight, @Captain.Heroin, @chinup , @Iceman1216, @Rio Fantastic, @DeadManWalkin', @wudbutcher, @SnafuInTheVoid, @nznity and to anybody else trying to clean up and better your life. I hope I didn't forget anybody. It has been a while since I checked in and there are so many new postors and it is very comforting to come back and see the same familiar posters. I hope everyone in the SLR community is doing well. Love you guys.

haven't done anything but alcohol/cannabis in a while... haven't shot anything .... reasons to live (aside from drugs like sex, love, friendships, cool stuff in real life) are dwindling and am becoming increasingly dejected feeling

i will be alright I think

how are you doing?

 

[nznity]

haven't done anything but alcohol/cannabis in a while... haven't shot anything .... reasons to live (aside from drugs like sex, love, friendships, cool stuff in real life) are dwindling and am becoming increasingly dejected feeling

i will be alright I think

how are you doing?

Captain, the last two weeks have been a crazy ride for me, i was starting to lose my mind for real. I bought and prolly 35-40 grams of blow and smoke it all, As you may know I quit banging morphine BUT replaced it with that shit. As it's mad cheap and good quality in my country, it wasn't taking a toll on me atfirst /Financially, but last couple months my usage has grown exponencially, i seriously couldn't go more than 2 days without buying more coke and cooking it up. two weeks ago i smoked 7 grams on a day. It wasn't even getting me high, just anxious, edgy and delusional. So on friday i bought 3 FIRE wraps and smoked em throughout the day. I said goodbye to it and threw away all my works ( my spoon, like 30 empty 1g wraps i had and the last 5g of baking soda i had) Until yesterday I was kinda craving the shit but today I'm starting to feel more normal. I needa exercise and should quit cigarettes aswell during these times. Apart from that, I'm doing more or less good. Jobless atm but i never lose faith that better times will come

 

[Snafu in the Void]

@Hylight, @Captain.Heroin, @chinup , @Iceman1216, @Rio Fantastic, @DeadManWalkin', @wudbutcher, @nznity

"When you get the message, hang up the phone" - Sir Alan Watts

 

[Captain.Heroin]

Captain, the last two weeks have been a crazy ride for me, i was starting to lose my mind for real. I bought and prolly 35-40 grams of blow and smoke it all, As you may know I quit banging morphine BUT replaced it with that shit. As it's mad cheap and good quality in my country, it wasn't taking a toll on me atfirst /Financially, but last couple months my usage has grown exponencially, i seriously couldn't go more than 2 days without buying more coke and cooking it up. two weeks ago i smoked 7 grams on a day. It wasn't even getting me high, just anxious, edgy and delusional. So on friday i bought 3 FIRE wraps and smoked em throughout the day. I said goodbye to it and threw away all my works ( my spoon, like 30 empty 1g wraps i had and the last 5g of baking soda i had) Until yesterday I was kinda craving the shit but today I'm starting to feel more normal. I needa exercise and should quit cigarettes aswell during these times. Apart from that, I'm doing more or less good. Jobless atm but i never lose faith that better times will come

yes, being distraught over real life events though and some of it is not going to get better (grieving over multiple losses; my grief may lessen but there's no bringing back the dead...) and being in a rut in at least 2 different ways in life. Not connected/centering drugs. I am afraid I am losing the grasp I had on leading the life I wanted and am slipping into a shitty complacency with extant reality. PTSD, anxiety depression are real for me so I try to work on that but there's probably no doctors and no help - I have been trying and will continue to; have some ideas on what I can try next (going back on bzd's as it is really needed right now; been putting off too long).

 

[nznity]

yes, being distraught over real life events though and some of it is not going to get better (grieving over multiple losses; my grief may lessen but there's no bringing back the dead...) and being in a rut in at least 2 different ways in life. Not connected/centering drugs. I am afraid I am losing the grasp I had on leading the life I wanted and am slipping into a shitty complacency with extant reality. PTSD, anxiety depression are real for me so I try to work on that but there's probably no doctors and no help - I have been trying and will continue to; have some ideas on what I can try next (going back on bzd's as it is really needed right now; been putting off too long).

I'm exactly on the same position as you, so many horrible memories i have from the past and Generalized Anxiety. I don't even smoke weed anymore, makes me paranoid. Only thing that is working for me now is clonazepam and justonce a day on the evenings to chill out and sleep better atnight. Having chronic back pain doesn't help either but I rather deal with it than have a needle on my arm right now. This pandemic bullshit makes me even more anxious cause of all the sad news i watch on tv plus i can't find an effin' job atm. everything's so fucked, thank god for klonopin though. Only thing that takes the edge off for a while.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

I'm exactly on the same position as you, so many horrible memories i have from the past and Generalized Anxiety. I don't even smoke weed anymore, makes me paranoid. Only thing that is working for me now is clonazepam and justonce a day on the evenings to chill out and sleep better atnight. Having chronic back pain doesn't help either but I rather deal with it than have a needle on my arm right now. This pandemic bullshit makes me even more anxious cause of all the sad news i watch on tv plus i can't find an effin' job atm. everything's so fucked, thank god for klonopin though. Only thing that takes the edge off for a while.

I PM'd you with a list of stuff I don't like talking about on the forums that are getting me down.

Thanks in advance if you commit to reading it all, lol.

 

[somnilicious]

haven't done anything but alcohol/cannabis in a while... haven't shot anything .... reasons to live (aside from drugs like sex, love, friendships, cool stuff in real life) are dwindling and am becoming increasingly dejected feeling

i will be alright I think

how are you doing?

Things are great on the outside. Promotions at work, money saved up in the bank but I have been feeling empty. My work friends are great but outside of work I am always alone even though I live with the fam. We don't get along all that well. I mostly hide out on my side of the house consuming one drug or another. I have a very difficult time connecting with people. I have GAD and mild autism, which makes social interactions very exhausting so even though I desire relationships on an intellectual level I secretly find them more troubling and painful than the effort is worth.

I just relapsed as you can read in my previous post. I was doing great with just kava and pot but I got the itch after receiving bad news about my DL and probation. It immediately turned into everyday and now I have a proper habit again.

Sorry to hear you are feeling dejected. I know the feeling all too well. Satisfying Pleasures are becomming increasingly hard to come by. I often find myself wondering what I am working so hard for. I have to do something different. I'm going to try some new hobbies and put myself in more social situations and day activities that bring me out of my room and make me active. I always feel better when I am in nature and physically active. I definitely need to get out more. So pale Looking like Edward from Twilight.

Maybe mix it up and try new things. Do things that are rewarding but make you feel uncomfortable. Growth is very satisfying but I'm only growing when I step out of my comfort zone. I don't know. I'm just another fool on the bus but it's what I've been told and it's what I'm going to try. Getting closer to being financially secure and perhaps when I get off probation I can make that trip to LA. My sister is there right now as an ER nurse.

Hope you feel better bubb. Keep your head up and stay in touch. These are tough times for everybody.

 

[chinup]

somni!!! good to see you. glad the job is going well. i badly need a new one, just applied for one actually but its a really long shot. i want it so bad though, i'm already gutted in advance of not getting it. i've put loads of work into the application.

i am totally the same about just hanging out in my room at home, even clean i just wanna avoid my family. like i love them but i don't really have a huge amount to say most of the time and just feel uncomfortable sitting in silence. if i go on my phone or my computer my mum wants to know what i'm doing, so i only really am with them when were eating or if they're watching something i actually wanna watch on TV.

 

[I hope it gets better]

Hey guys I hope you are all good because I'm not , so I thought I was doing MDMA for 3 days straight but upon further research of how MDMA should treat you I realized it wasn't it and I suspect it was speed or something close to speed.

The high I felt from the drug was more of a attentive to my environment type of high and I was energetic but not to the point of not being able to sit down or my thoughts were all over I just felt like I was in control and I was talkative but like I felt like whatever I said made sense.

I didn't feel the euphoria or visuals or the enjoyment of music that one would get if they did MDMA which is why I think I did something that's close to speed.

It was my first time doing anything related to druga either than weed and alcohol and cigarettes hence why I did a 3 day binge with no research at all.

I now have massive heart palpitations and I'm emotionless I feel nothing and have no excitement towards anything I feel empty and I'm slow I often times day dream a lot and I feel like I'm going crazy I think I might've caused brain damage. What's the best treatment option if you have done a 3 day amphetamines binge ?

 

[chinup]

^ you're unlikely to have caused brain damage with a 3 day phet binge. you're right that its probably not MDMA cos that has swiftly diminishing returns in redosing after you've initially come up so its not really worth doing 3 days continuously.

i am absolutely low. everything is black. submitting an application to a job i actually want (the first posting i've found since lockdown) has brought my employment situation to the front of my mind. it feels intolerable. i am so fucking scared. after i lost my job when i was using i always felt so sad about my wasted potential. what is the fucking point of potential if you are unable to use it? i feel hopeless. i am supposed to have these amazing skills that are in high demand and am stuck with an abusive boss who is destroying my mental health. i've tolerated this situation for 6 months but made no progress to resolving it in that time, mostly cos the pandemic has fucked the job market. likely wont recover before the brexit cliff. i feel like i'm probably gonna die a junkie and i don't care, i don't even want to use but it sorta feels inevitable when there's no other options.

i've contacted my therapist to ask for an extra session, and the ladies at the buddhist centre, who i'm going to call this afternoon. right now i'm going to just knock myself out. i tried to go for a run but couldn't stop crying and my head started hurting. i have a tiny fast supply of benzos left over from before i went to rehab, think i might cave and try and get some more cos i'm just fed up and i don't know what to do.

i will reply to pms and check other threads when my head is in a better place. hope everone else is having a better day than me.