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Recovery ⫸⫸ THE RECOVERY THREAD 2021 ⫷⫷

Perforated

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Sep 28, 2019
Messages
9,295
No. To be honest. I’m feeling really sick and depressed and having all kinds of weird brain spasms and zaps together with light head ness and dizziness. Some kind of dopamine problem I think. From mixing and then unmixing meth and anti-psychotics. My brain can’t cope with it all. I just need to lie low until I reach some kind of equilibrium with the minimum amount of heavy meds. Maybe just valium for now.
These were almost famous last words. I’ve been sick as a dog since I wrote them. But only just came out the other side late today. Got a lot of professional help over the last few days, plus confided in the few friends i have and my parents. Everyone gave me love and support and trusted that I knew what I was doing and was committed to being well and productive. It was such a burden to be able to just be (mostly) honest with people. I only shave a bit of time off how long I said I had been in seious trouble for ‘on and off for 6 or 8 months’ instead of the actual ‘mostly on with a little bit off for the last 18 months’.
 

tired of crap

Bluelighter
Joined
Jun 26, 2009
Messages
1,335
Well I fuct up lol
I cant recall when i started drinking again... february? Early March maybe... but its been near daily the last few weeks. 4/7 days the few before that.

Ive noticed that I recently started shaking in the hours leading up to my drinking. I didnt think I was drinking that much (~8 beers an afternoon/night until recently when I increased to ~ 10, read 6 then 8 tall cans of 5 % ) would lead to physical symptoms but here we are. It (the shaking or the consumption, is) not that bad imo but even my family commented on it a few times. Maybe its psychological, maybe its because my past indiscretions lead to an increased risk this time but iirc alcoholism leads to electrolyte imbalances, specifically a deficiency of magnesium (hence my previous supplementation). Other than the lack of mg supplementation I have been eating relatively well, so I hadnt imagined things would be so far outta whack. Hydration is lacking though and due to the diuretic effect of alcohol I suppose an electrolyte imbalance shouldn’t be discounted.

Idk what I’m hoping to achieve with this post. Perhaps seeing it written out will help me turn around? Idk

But if I don’t turn this around soon I’m gonna be swimming in it, again, ffs
 

Blankenstein

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 19, 2021
Messages
222
T
100 NA meetings in 100 days plus 20 sessions with a clinical psychologist over 20 weeks and a fuckload more exercise - mainly swimming, cycling and dog walking.
That’s great man. Good on you for being proactive. I find when I’m going through periods trying to stop using or drinking and I’m feeling very anxious or depressed walking my dog or spending time in or near the ocean (surfing or swimming) are super beneficial.
 

Blankenstein

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 19, 2021
Messages
222
Well I fuct up lol
I cant recall when i started drinking again... february? Early March maybe... but its been near daily the last few weeks. 4/7 days the few before that.

Ive noticed that I recently started shaking in the hours leading up to my drinking. I didnt think I was drinking that much (~8 beers an afternoon/night until recently when I increased to ~ 10, read 6 then 8 tall cans of 5 % ) would lead to physical symptoms but here we are. It (the shaking or the consumption, is) not that bad imo but even my family commented on it a few times. Maybe its psychological, maybe its because my past indiscretions lead to an increased risk this time but iirc alcoholism leads to electrolyte imbalances, specifically a deficiency of magnesium (hence my previous supplementation). Other than the lack of mg supplementation I have been eating relatively well, so I hadnt imagined things would be so far outta whack. Hydration is lacking though and due to the diuretic effect of alcohol I suppose an electrolyte imbalance shouldn’t be discounted.

Idk what I’m hoping to achieve with this post. Perhaps seeing it written out will help me turn around? Idk

But if I don’t turn this around soon I’m gonna be swimming in it, again, ffs
Hey man I really feel for you. Alcoholism is very fucked. I can totally relate to what you have spoken about. I have gone months at a time consuming alcohol daily. It’s fucked the grip it can get.

it sounds like this isn’t your first time in this predicament? What helped you stop last time? Do you have a plan/idea for how you intend on stopping this time? If you’ve done it before you totally can do it again.

good luck man there are people thinking of you!
 

chinup

Sr. Moderator: EADD, H&R
Staff member
Joined
Aug 1, 2010
Messages
6,436
Location
Greatest city on Earth
That’s great you’re feeling better and going to start exercising again.
thanks!! annoyingly i did drink quite excessively last night. it was nice outside and me and my boyfriend had a good meeting with a mortgage adviser, i think we'll be able to afford the type of house we want, so it seemed right to celebrate.
Oh yeh, I took the stupid Antabuse yesterday... hopefully stick with it a while. Still out at work for 3 more weeks. I drive to a place where I won’t be able to get any alcohol on Friday. Will be there for 2 weeks, so in theory if I make it there without drinking I’ll be locked in for nearly 3 weeks.
well done!!! hopefully this time away and not drnking will enable you to get a good basis for your sobriety. 3 weeks without drining would be a massive achievement, but do remember to keep it in te day, cos its also a pretty daunting prospect.

Idk what I’m hoping to achieve with this post. Perhaps seeing it written out will help me turn around? Idk
sometimes just venting is enough. the shakes are awful, so embarrassing, i remember getting them at a conference and its impossible to hide. do you know what started you drinking again?

@Atelier3 i'm so glad you have a proper plan worked out. really sounds like you've been in hell recently. getting your family up to speed is hard but its much better you tell them than they find out due to the state your in, which they would if things progressed further. have you got something fun planned in too? super important. and try not to push yourself too much with work til you're more stable, as it can be another form of escapism.
 

lswdirel

Greenlighter
Joined
Jul 19, 2014
Messages
2
Hi all,

First day off everything here, and wanted to try and get some accountability and support. I had a decent DHC addiction (taking 40 tablets a day). I’m sure it’s nothing compared to harder opiates, but I’ve found it tricky to manage. It was diminished returns for a lot of money. I fast tapered down over the last couple of weeks, and this is the first day without anything at all. I’ve felt cold and cranky for the last week, so I’m hoping I’ve done some of the withdrawal work already - I feel ok today so far, but I’m worried I’m going to suffer later and in the next couple of days.

One of the things I really struggle with, is that I just feel like a better person when high. I’m happier, more fun, fit and healthy (love running when high). It’s almost hard to justify coming off completely. In my head, I know that what I want to do is kick the habit and then be able to dose a few times a week without it getting out of control again. Unlikely though, I know.

I guess many of you struggle with this? How do you deal with it?
 

Zephyn

Bluelighter
Joined
Oct 31, 2020
Messages
2,292
Well I fuct up lol
I cant recall when i started drinking again... february? Early March maybe... but its been near daily the last few weeks. 4/7 days the few before that.

Ive noticed that I recently started shaking in the hours leading up to my drinking. I didnt think I was drinking that much (~8 beers an afternoon/night until recently when I increased to ~ 10, read 6 then 8 tall cans of 5 % ) would lead to physical symptoms but here we are. It (the shaking or the consumption, is) not that bad imo but even my family commented on it a few times. Maybe its psychological, maybe its because my past indiscretions lead to an increased risk this time but iirc alcoholism leads to electrolyte imbalances, specifically a deficiency of magnesium (hence my previous supplementation). Other than the lack of mg supplementation I have been eating relatively well, so I hadnt imagined things would be so far outta whack. Hydration is lacking though and due to the diuretic effect of alcohol I suppose an electrolyte imbalance shouldn’t be discounted.

Idk what I’m hoping to achieve with this post. Perhaps seeing it written out will help me turn around? Idk

But if I don’t turn this around soon I’m gonna be swimming in it, again, ffs
Thanks for writing it. Its even more motivation for me to stop.
 

Pumpkin2021

Moderator: TDS, NMI
Staff member
Joined
Feb 25, 2021
Messages
2,627
Location
Michigan
Hi all,

First day off everything here, and wanted to try and get some accountability and support. I had a decent DHC addiction (taking 40 tablets a day). I’m sure it’s nothing compared to harder opiates, but I’ve found it tricky to manage. It was diminished returns for a lot of money. I fast tapered down over the last couple of weeks, and this is the first day without anything at all. I’ve felt cold and cranky for the last week, so I’m hoping I’ve done some of the withdrawal work already - I feel ok today so far, but I’m worried I’m going to suffer later and in the next couple of days.

One of the things I really struggle with, is that I just feel like a better person when high. I’m happier, more fun, fit and healthy (love running when high). It’s almost hard to justify coming off completely. In my head, I know that what I want to do is kick the habit and then be able to dose a few times a week without it getting out of control again. Unlikely though, I know.

I guess many of you struggle with this? How do you deal with it?
This was the story of my life. I thought I was the best me on any opioid pharm pill. Worked 50 hours, kept my house clean, cooked good meals, friggin Mrs. Doubtfire shit. It felt great but I was foolin' myself. It was the high and drugged me. Sober me is quite different. It's a good different. I miss the way I used to have that warm blanket feeling but I'm just gonna have to miss it.

Yeah, it is unlikely you will be able to use just once in awhile. If you have access to them, you'll eat them. I tried myself and would always fail miserably.

The way I had to deal with my quitting that activity is pretty complex but mainly I wanted to get that monkey off my back once and for all. Mind you it took me 30 years so I'm not special.

Have a pleasant Sunday and Good luck whatever you decide to do, whether you keep using or stop.
 

hylite

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 23, 2021
Messages
2,735
I still use for dire pain only. I can't believe the excessive amount that I used in the past. But it did serve it's purpose however those days are done. DONE. Forever. 👍🏽

And who would have known until I did my continueing research. And now it all is clear and does make sense.
 

chinup

Sr. Moderator: EADD, H&R
Staff member
Joined
Aug 1, 2010
Messages
6,436
Location
Greatest city on Earth
@lswdirel sorry i meant to reply to your post way sooner, but life or something.

though heroin was my opiate of choice i have taken DHC. i found that if i took enough the effects were comparable to heroin, or at least satisfied that itch. so i wouldn't say its nothing compared to harder opiates. that's the sort of thing your brain can tell you to try and demotivate you from stopping. well done on tapering. hope you're getting on better now.

i will say i convinced myself i functioned better while high, but that doesn't last long. as soon as i lost any illusion of control it made me feel like a shitty human being and impacted every area of my life.

i have been having an OK time. starting to try to buy a house. it is stressful but also fun.

still drinking more often than i'd like, but didn't drink on sunday, first one i've not drunk on in a while. and the last two nights i have drunk, i've actually been relatively sensible. and weirdly enough enjoyed the drinking more than when i am just getting it down me as fast as possible.
 

meprobamatedowned

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 20, 2021
Messages
183
Hi everyone on this thread !
Today is my 3rd day without alcohol...
I kinda replaced it with 3 to 4mg diclazepam daily, i know benzos are dangerous but ime they are easier to detox from than alcohol... I was downing an average 70cL of 40° a day, and i'm only 22, i've got exams etc ...
Since i last drank, my anxiety is a lot more bearable, it makes almost no sense to me !

I'm gonna try and keep up cause this is the worst drug i've ever known (i mean not worse than fentanyl or potent stuff but yk)
 

Blankenstein

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 19, 2021
Messages
222
Hi everyone on this thread !
Today is my 3rd day without alcohol...
I kinda replaced it with 3 to 4mg diclazepam daily, i know benzos are dangerous but ime they are easier to detox from than alcohol... I was downing an average 70cL of 40° a day, and i'm only 22, i've got exams etc ...
Since i last drank, my anxiety is a lot more bearable, it makes almost no sense to me !

I'm gonna try and keep up cause this is the worst drug i've ever known (i mean not worse than fentanyl or potent stuff but yk)
Good job man! Good luck with staying off the booze it can be super destructive.

make sure the diclaz/benzos don’t become a habit. That will be just as hard as the booze to kick.

Keep us updates with how you are going.
 

Blankenstein

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 19, 2021
Messages
222
Just flew home from work. Took the Antabuse for a few days then drank a six pack but that was it while away. Just got home but have already taken some
Hydromorph.

going to try and not use anything else on my week off. I really don’t want to go back to work after a week and have just been high the whole time.

feeling a bit “blah” mentally. See how I go...

hows the house hunting going @chinup ? Been laying off the booze?
 

chinup

Sr. Moderator: EADD, H&R
Staff member
Joined
Aug 1, 2010
Messages
6,436
Location
Greatest city on Earth
@Blankenstein sounds like you did pretty good, well done!!

i did good with drinking last week but past 2 days has been awful- my boyf has been away so i've been on one. trying to work today and just can't. will be drinking again tonight.

have decided to give myself a break with it. if everything is going as planned with our house purchase we will start trying for a baby from next month. i am not so far gone with alcohol that i would be incapable of abstaining for the health of an unborn child so this is basically my last hurrah. i'm not gonna drink every night cos i need to save money and just don't wanna be in that habit but am gonna stop beating myself up.
 

Blankenstein

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 19, 2021
Messages
222
@Blankenstein sounds like you did pretty good, well done!!

i did good with drinking last week but past 2 days has been awful- my boyf has been away so i've been on one. trying to work today and just can't. will be drinking again tonight.

have decided to give myself a break with it. if everything is going as planned with our house purchase we will start trying for a baby from next month. i am not so far gone with alcohol that i would be incapable of abstaining for the health of an unborn child so this is basically my last hurrah. i'm not gonna drink every night cos i need to save money and just don't wanna be in that habit but am gonna stop beating myself up.
Thanks man. Yeh I was relatively happy with my alcohol intake up there, but it’s hard the people that run the station/ranch are massive drinkers.
For example after work I was going for a run and the manager stopped me and pretty much forced me to take a shot of some 95% alcohol. It’s just all they do if they aren’t working. And you want to try and be sociable and not act like you don’t want to get along and be mates.

yeh beating yourself up can be a real drain mentally. Sounds like you’re in a decent place mentally. Keep it up!
 

somnilicious

Bluelighter
Joined
Jul 31, 2012
Messages
1,897
Location
Orlando, Fl
Hello BL. Its been a while since I checked in as I was reminded by @chinup. I've just been cruising along on methadone since Dec. Ive been clean of all substances other than my script and the occasional toke of cannabis or Delta 8. I'm on 60mg a day and I'm up to picking up once a week.

I've been insanely addicted to video games lately, which has been an awesome experience to share with my 10yr old niece. I'm proud to say that under my direction and tutoring that she brought all her grades up from failing to A marks. We have also been biking a lot. Her mom will be coming home in a week so I will finally be relived of my parenting duties just in time to start remodeling my parents house.

Oh.... I also got my license back and got a truck so I'm finally Mobil again...lol.

All in all life is great at the moment and I'm lucky to be alive.
 
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