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Recovery ⫸⫸ THE RECOVERY THREAD 2021 ⫷⫷

dragonix

Bluelighter
Joined
Jul 24, 2021
Messages
1,375
I am at my wits end with getting away from substances part of me just wants to keep going but I cannot stand the side effects impacting everything so need to stop it all due to the nature of my polybeast problem to call it accurately enough a real fiendish disorder of the mind but so very lamentable and pitiful at the same time not like a physically violent fiend at least?

Just emailed myself to get a ninety day guided recovery journal written by a doctor for alcoholism if I can get that under control everything else would fall into place but everything substance wise makes me want to drink now including when I take psychedelics at home without a guide nor real intention for the experience other than an interesting time altering which seems to dull my reality I am disrespecting them however I don't seem capable of forming a beneficial alliance doing them this way now a couple shaman led experiences in faraway places I am not writing off my list I was tempted to order more RCs but I know I will just abuse them until they are gone if they get in my possession doesn't matter what it is even if it says nonhabit forming my brain and mind work like a teenager's right now never finished developing right as I was on pot and drugs nearly my entire teenage years starting pot from like 13 expanding to every drug class the latter half of those years and didn't put the brakes on the use until starting later half of 18 I believe think I turned 19 in a therapeutic living community or around when I went after inpatient I entered at 18 I believe if memory serves exact enough I am rambling again I like expressing my ideas in words though speaking of which the journal looks great gotta start somewhere better than I have been AA meeting here tonight at six if i manage not to drink before then lol bad times but trying poorly better than going off the rails on the bright side perhaps
 

chinup

Sr. Moderator: EADD, H&R
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@Blankenstein i'm so sorry to hear about your dog. i really hope its fixable. well done on keeping off booze for 2 weeks. not so good re the benzos and opiates.

@dragonix good luck. it does sound like you need to lay off all substances. did you make it to the meeting?

managed not to purge yesterday. keeping busy and eating smaller portions helps.

have got insanely drunk the past 2 nights. not good.
 

chinup

Sr. Moderator: EADD, H&R
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had a great session with my therapist. though felt somewhat invalidated, the diseased part of my brain seeks out invalidation.

was really not going to purge dinner, i'd prepared it which is a good start.... and then we'd finished the food i'd prepared and i was feeling super positive about keeping it down. and my mum suggested getting ice cream. and she'd get worried if i said no to ice cream. so i ate it and purged.

really need to stop this right now. if i leave it til when i move out, and can thus control my own diet better, it might be too late. its only a couple of weeks ago but my therapist agreed it had gotten out of hand pretty quick so i can't count on being able to magically stop by the time i get to my own place.
 

birdup

Moderator: CEPS
Staff member
Joined
Sep 26, 2021
Messages
1,073
Location
Somewhere Near Mount Dandenong
The closer I get to recovery, the more horrible my past seems. If I dwell forever in the abyss, I don't have to face the things I've done. Being successful is evidence that my failures were not inevitable... Having said all that, it's a small price to pay (relatively).

Sobriety isn't easy, but neither is addiction.
 

dragonix

Bluelighter
Joined
Jul 24, 2021
Messages
1,375
Screw rehab and a program that shames people to death sideways ya talking about the twelve step programs five to ten percent success rate you in the mood to gamble with your life?

I want to live well and recover despite not wanting part in their systemic "$0lutions" nor programs.

So hi again hope you finish the year strong or alive at least if weak lol.

If there were a gun here I might pull the trigger but at my leg now not cranium feeling a little better still hate having this shit crap hourly wage slave grind to boogie to now no vapes wanted to quit for a few reasons in mind body relations and wallet so threw down the sewers again knowing this morning would be rough but no idea homicidal and suicidal ideation brutal!
 

dragonix

Bluelighter
Joined
Jul 24, 2021
Messages
1,375
@Blankenstein i'm so sorry to hear about your dog. i really hope its fixable. well done on keeping off booze for 2 weeks. not so good re the benzos and opiates.

@dragonix good luck. it does sound like you need to lay off all substances. did you make it to the meeting?

managed not to purge yesterday. keeping busy and eating smaller portions helps.

have got insanely drunk the past 2 nights. not good.
No I didn't thanks for responding I often won't even check if I miss answering it's not you it's me.

Ya i do about to relapse on a 200mg joint lukcy I didn't have the nerve to run off the job today rage beyond rage inside me but they must think I like being their employee erm dumbie slave enough about me let me acknowledge what others are facing now good luck all🤞 Knock on wood or chop some for winter if you have a place to burn it what a healthy stress relieving exercise 🪓
 

Pumpkin2021

Moderator: TDS, NMI
Staff member
Joined
Feb 25, 2021
Messages
2,627
Location
Michigan
The closer I get to recovery, the more horrible my past seems. If I dwell forever in the abyss, I don't have to face the things I've done. Being successful is evidence that my failures were not inevitable... Having said all that, it's a small price to pay (relatively).

Sobriety isn't easy, but neither is addiction.
Couldn't agree more.
 

Blankenstein

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 19, 2021
Messages
222
@Blankenstein i'm so sorry to hear about your dog. i really hope its fixable. well done on keeping off booze for 2 weeks. not so good re the benzos and opiates.

@dragonix good luck. it does sound like you need to lay off all substances. did you make it to the meeting?

managed not to purge yesterday. keeping busy and eating smaller portions helps.

have got insanely drunk the past 2 nights. not good.
Thank you I really appreciate your response. I hope you and everyone that is searching for it finds peace.

I’m fucking struggling.
 

chinup

Sr. Moderator: EADD, H&R
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Aug 1, 2010
Messages
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Greatest city on Earth
Thank you I really appreciate your response. I hope you and everyone that is searching for it finds peace.

I’m fucking struggling.
fuck man sorry to hear that. what help are you getting? even if you have to pay, i really think you should get some professional help. it is possible to recover on your own but there is no need to make it harder than it needs to be.

i've been utterly exhausted and utterly dumb this week.

eventually ended up feeling as ill as purging with full flushing makes me feel, turns out how i was doing it just makes it take longer to get to that point. also drinking- started drinking neat gin in my bedroom. the erosion in my stomach flared up yesterday so i felt fucking awful.

but, weirdly, i feel quite mentally well today. moving house is stressful as fuck, i know i need to stop these behaviours, but we emptied my storage on friday, started unpacking yesterday. i can feel stress lifting with every bit of progress. i'd been feeling overwhelmed at just how much there was to do and organise. i've still got loads to do but i can sorta see the end.
 

Blankenstein

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 19, 2021
Messages
222
fuck man sorry to hear that. what help are you getting? even if you have to pay, i really think you should get some professional help. it is possible to recover on your own but there is no need to make it harder than it needs to be.

i've been utterly exhausted and utterly dumb this week.

eventually ended up feeling as ill as purging with full flushing makes me feel, turns out how i was doing it just makes it take longer to get to that point. also drinking- started drinking neat gin in my bedroom. the erosion in my stomach flared up yesterday so i felt fucking awful.

but, weirdly, i feel quite mentally well today. moving house is stressful as fuck, i know i need to stop these behaviours, but we emptied my storage on friday, started unpacking yesterday. i can feel stress lifting with every bit of progress. i'd been feeling overwhelmed at just how much there was to do and organise. i've still got loads to do but i can sorta see the end.
I’m trying to get an appointment with my psychologist, but she’s pretty busy and I’m not in town much anymore.

yeh I’m thinking about rehab to be honest.

im taking a week off work, so will have 2 weeks off. I need to help my family with my father. It seems his dementia has progressed and he may be discharged from hospital soon, but where too we are still trying to figure out. I don’t think he is able to live at home anymore. He would be dead if I didn’t hear him convulsing this last time. He also would be dead if someone wasn’t home the previous time when he was having oesophageal bleeds and lying on the ground with internal bleeding vomiting blood. Watching someone die from alcoholism is truely horrific.

but yeh helping my family for a week then going to drive and camp down the coast and surf and dive for a week out of temptations way and try to get my shit together. I feel so guilty being away for 2 weeks at a time working and hearing the toll it’s taking on my mum with what’s she’s dealing with.

@chinup drinking alone in your room is probably not so great. Not only the physical damage that does. Speaking from personal experience.

Also for me when I start drinking in isolation I know shit is getting bad. What’s your plan for getting back on track? Seemed like you were doing pretty well a few months back. I mean I know how quick things can go from good to bad, but just seeing how you’re going?
 

chinup

Sr. Moderator: EADD, H&R
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Aug 1, 2010
Messages
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@Blankenstein definitely rehab would be helpful for you. a circuit break and some time to focus would help, hopefully they'd provide good therapy too.

that sounds so stressful about your dad. parental illness is horrible. i'm glad you're able to help. its not your fault your job requires you to travel, just try and help when you're back home. it does sound like he probably needs more care than he can receive at home.

i have been up and down with drinking. managed to get it down to 1-2 nights per week and not super excessive on those nights. i'm dead set on never drinking in my new house, which i'll be moving into this weekend probably. i'll be living with my boyf so i won't be able to hide in my room, cos it'll be his room too.

definitely not buying gin to drink in my room again.

my stomach has probably forced me to stop. i've been in so much pain the last few days with it, and i know drinking and purging have caused that. i had today off work to help my boyf decorating and unpacking in the new house but had to come back to my parents and just lie down. i've had chronic stomach issues since my worst anorexia and the only thing that helps them not be completely debilitating is being sensible re alcohol and food.
 

Blankenstein

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 19, 2021
Messages
222
@Blankenstein definitely rehab would be helpful for you. a circuit break and some time to focus would help, hopefully they'd provide good therapy too.

that sounds so stressful about your dad. parental illness is horrible. i'm glad you're able to help. its not your fault your job requires you to travel, just try and help when you're back home. it does sound like he probably needs more care than he can receive at home.

i have been up and down with drinking. managed to get it down to 1-2 nights per week and not super excessive on those nights. i'm dead set on never drinking in my new house, which i'll be moving into this weekend probably. i'll be living with my boyf so i won't be able to hide in my room, cos it'll be his room too.

definitely not buying gin to drink in my room again.

my stomach has probably forced me to stop. i've been in so much pain the last few days with it, and i know drinking and purging have caused that. i had today off work to help my boyf decorating and unpacking in the new house but had to come back to my parents and just lie down. i've had chronic stomach issues since my worst anorexia and the only thing that helps them not be completely debilitating is being sensible re alcohol and food.
Thanks heaps for your concern and kind words.

You take care too mate.

I remember when I first “discovered” day drinking at 21. I hit gin hard and ended up with pancreatitis. I was also doing a lot of CWE at the time so thought maybe I was doing them incorrectly and I had a paracetamol overdose. I remember when the ER doctor told me I didn’t have elevated levels of paracetamol I said “so I’m doing it right? So all good?” Such a Fucking idiot… seriously.

take care and good luck with the new house. But yeh as you are probably well are “Geographicals” don’t work. Moving house is basically a geographical.
 

Blankenstein

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 19, 2021
Messages
222
On
The closer I get to recovery, the more horrible my past seems. If I dwell forever in the abyss, I don't have to face the things I've done. Being successful is evidence that my failures were not inevitable... Having said all that, it's a small price to pay (relatively).

Sobriety isn't easy, but neither is addiction.
keep fighting friend. I feel you and relate to what you are saying. How you going?
 

Blankenstein

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 19, 2021
Messages
222
Been searching for podcasts recently about recovery.

I can’t remember if I already mentioned this podcast.

My memory is so terrible from benzos that when I wanted info on fake clonazepam I actually googled “fake clonazepam Australia” a few days ago and a thread popped up on bluelight. So I clicked it and started reading it to quickly realise it was a thread I actually started a couple of months ago. Totally forgot… Benzos are seriously the devil.

anyway… found a podcast called dopey. Some of you may already know about it.

I related and listened to a few episodes then found out one of the hosts relapsed and died. Listening to the episodes leading up to his death was very sad picking up on the things he was saying. Then the podcast after he died was incredibly sad and emotional.

Chris’ death happened a couple of years ago. There were also a couple of other tragic deaths of guests of the podcasts. So sad and made me think of how serious this thing we are fighting is.

just reminded me while though I was listening and laughing at their ridiculous drug stories. We can all die so easily.

Stay strong blue light/dopey nation.

toodles.
 

chinup

Sr. Moderator: EADD, H&R
Staff member
Joined
Aug 1, 2010
Messages
6,436
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Greatest city on Earth
I remember when I first “discovered” day drinking at 21. I hit gin hard and ended up with pancreatitis. I was also doing a lot of CWE at the time so thought maybe I was doing them incorrectly and I had a paracetamol overdose. I remember when the ER doctor told me I didn’t have elevated levels of paracetamol I said “so I’m doing it right? So all good?” Such a Fucking idiot… seriously.
oh god yeah thank fuck i've always had stuff to do in the day that required my brain, so except at weekends, i've never done day drinking.

take care and good luck with the new house. But yeh as you are probably well are “Geographicals” don’t work. Moving house is basically a geographical.
thanks. and yeah i've done a lot of geographicals....managed 4 cities in 4 years once. but cos i'll be living with my boyf and we'll be sharing a bedroom, i won't be able to drink in private at all. so he will know.

more of the issue with him is that his bar for problematic drinking is 2 bottles of whisky a day, cos his mum was an alcoholic for like 20 years. and a really bad one, i've had relations die of alcoholism who i considered less bad than her so no idea how she's alive. but it means that even when he sees me really hurting cos of drinking, he doesn't view it as much of an issue. certainly not one that requires complete abstinence.

i've made it clear i will not be drinking in our new house. ever. we are also starting to try for a baby so he knows i can't really drink now, so hopefully that will help.

its 7pm here and i'm doing ok so far so hopefully will make it through the rest of the day without drinking. i had a mild urge but was quickly able to get through it.

thanks for the podcast recommendation, will def check it out.

totally get you re benzos- i used to frequently do stuff like getting lost right outside my flat.

i hate blacking out so much. do it too often.
 

birdup

Moderator: CEPS
Staff member
Joined
Sep 26, 2021
Messages
1,073
Location
Somewhere Near Mount Dandenong
Blankenstein said:
How you going?

I've been struggling with sobriety more than I should recently because of the lockdown, but now that it's ending in a couple of days I'm feeling really positive again. Sobriety has shifted from something I know I have to do to something I actually want, which is a huge thing for me.

For years, I've been trying to force myself to do something against my will.

Now - finally - I am onboard.

<3

Thanks everyone for your support.
 

birdup

Moderator: CEPS
Staff member
Joined
Sep 26, 2021
Messages
1,073
Location
Somewhere Near Mount Dandenong
My health is very bad today. I have a serious medical condition. It has been described by women as more painful than childbirth. Painkillers don't stop it. Nothing does. It fucks me like a freight train in my ass.

The only positive thing about today is this: I'm not going to use H. There is nothing predictably worse than this. If I can beat this, I can beat anything.

Fuck my head. This is torture. I'm really not in a good place today. No amount of drugs or alcohol fixes this particular problem.

 
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Blankenstein

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 19, 2021
Messages
222
about to go to bed. day 2 booze and purge free and probably past purging being worth it now. worried about the scales tomorrow.
Fuck the scales. Fuck alcohol. Focus on the life you and your partner are trying to build.

great work on 2 days. Keep it up.
 

Blankenstein

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 19, 2021
Messages
222
My health is very bad today. I have a serious medical condition. It has been described by women as more painful than childbirth. Painkillers don't stop it. Nothing does. It fucks me like a freight train in my ass.

The only positive thing about today is this: I'm not going to use H. There is nothing predictably worse than this. If I can beat this, I can beat anything.

Fuck my head. This is torture. I'm really not in a good place today. No amount of drugs or alcohol fixes this particular problem.

That sounds terrible about the pain. You are doing amazing to not use while being in such pain.

I don’t know much about you’re condition so can’t offer much there sorry, but you as you said you beat smack, so you can do anything you put your mind to!
 
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