Recovery ⫸⫸ THE RECOVERY THREAD 2021 ⫷⫷

[hylite]

^^ Uncalled for bulls%#!
and excruciation of fucking gotdamnit Pain.
no fuckin functioning relief. bitch festiva.

 

[deficiT]

Welp. I caved. After work ended I drove past a couple places to cop some H.

Both places I knew about had fucking cops posted up, so I ended up just going home. One dude tried to stop me as I pulled up, but I saw the cop parked nearby and thought better of it.

Now I am both disappointed in my lack of drugs and disappointed in myself for caving.

Where do I even go from here? Fuck me, I'm fucked.

Plus my license is probably being suspended. I'm just fucked man.

 

[n3ophy7e]

Welp. I caved. After work ended I drove past a couple places to cop some H.

Both places I knew about had fucking cops posted up, so I ended up just going home. One dude tried to stop me as I pulled up, but I saw the cop parked nearby and thought better of it.

Now I am both disappointed in my lack of drugs and disappointed in myself for caving.

Where do I even go from here? Fuck me, I'm fucked.

Plus my license is probably being suspended. I'm just fucked man.

Farrrrrrk DUDE if that isn't a sign from the Universe for you to NOT use H, then I dunno what is.
Soooooo very glad you didn't end up using.
You've been heading down a bit of a dangerous path the last few weeks, I am worried about you and your recovery. What can you do to keep yourself safe from relapsing on the hard stuff??

 

[birdup]

I had way too much to drink last night. When I went to sleep, I set my alarm to go off every two hours. I woke up, drank half a litre of water, then went back to sleep. I work a double shift on Saturday so I can't be throwing up all day in the toilet.

I went to work with a hangover, hoping to dear God that my first client was in a good mood because he's fucking impossible when he's down... and, predictably, he was the worst he's been for months. Fucking perfect.

I go to the pub in between shifts and quickly down a schooner of Great Northern, then I try to sleep in my car but I can't relax. My head is pounding. I'm sweating.

By the time I get home, I am liquid. When I open the car door, I spill out onto the driveway. I just want to go to sleep on the lawn, but that's not going to happen until I smoke a joint.

Now I find that my entire stash is locked away in a time-lock box till midnight. I have to wait four hours. Mother fucker. Oh well - fuck it - I'm going to have some etizolam. I've had a long day. I have earned it. I really need to get mashed.

 

[Robi]

I had way too much to drink last night. When I went to sleep, I set my alarm to go off every two hours. I woke up, drank half a litre of water, then went back to sleep. I work a double shift on Saturday so I can't be throwing up all day in the toilet.

I went to work with a hangover, hoping to dear God that my first client was in a good mood because he's fucking impossible when he's down... and, predictably, he was the worst he's been for months. Fucking perfect.

I go to the pub in between shifts and quickly down a schooner of Great Northern, then I try to sleep in my car but I can't relax. My head is pounding. I'm sweating.

By the time I get home, I am liquid. When I open the car door, I spill out onto the driveway. I just want to go to sleep on the lawn, but that's not going to happen until I smoke a joint.

Now I find that my entire stash is locked away in a time-lock box till midnight. I have to wait four hours. Mother fucker. Oh well - fuck it - I'm going to have some etizolam. I've had a long day. I have earned it. I really need to get mashed.

nothing worse than be hung over as a dog groomer.....have to clean anal glands, clean severely infected ears best i can, dogs sense how you feel so i have to be extra patient or lose a nose, cut nails with dogs that especially hate it with a shaky hand, and hygiene cuts bleckkkk, taught me to not drink, thats a horrid profession ssick i feel you both of you so much

 

[deficiT]

Farrrrrrk DUDE if that isn't a sign from the Universe for you to NOT use H, then I dunno what is.
Soooooo very glad you didn't end up using.
You've been heading down a bit of a dangerous path the last few weeks, I am worried about you and your recovery. What can you do to keep yourself safe from relapsing on the hard stuff??

I don't even know anymore dude. I probably ought to just get on methadone.

 

[n3ophy7e]

I don't even know anymore dude. I probably ought to just get on methadone.

If you think that might help?? But then at some point you've gotta get off the 'done. If you can avoid starting on it in the first place that would be ideal. From the little bits of info I know about your current living situation, it doesn't sound like a "safe" place in terms of your recovery. Can you start going to some meetings? Perhaps get some drug counselling?

 

[deficiT]

If you think that might help?? But then at some point you've gotta get off the 'done. If you can avoid starting on it in the first place that would be ideal. From the little bits of info I know about your current living situation, it doesn't sound like a "safe" place in terms of your recovery. Can you start going to some meetings? Perhaps get some drug counselling?

I reckon I could. Idk, I'm about to start an ASAP class. So that'd be basically drug counseling. Well, if I don't get thrown in jail for my fuckin failed drug test. Everything is fucked, and soon I won't even be able to drive.

 

[Nurse Ratched]

I reckon I could. Idk, I'm about to start an ASAP class. So that'd be basically drug counseling. Well, if I don't get thrown in jail for my fuckin failed drug test. Everything is fucked, and soon I won't even be able to drive.

Is MD trying to suspend your license for a DUI in the past? Maybe some fines that aren't paid.

Here in MI they suspend for unpaid fines. Sucks.

 

[deficiT]

Is MD trying to suspend your license for a DUI in the past? Maybe some fines that aren't paid.

Here in MI they suspend for unpaid fines. Sucks.

Basically, I got three points for a negligent driving charge when I fell asleep and drove into a guard rail and totaled my old Honda, and then 12 points for an expired registration charge a couple months later. So 15 points in under two years, which means suspension. I'm guessing I got that many points on it because it took me a while to pay off the fines, and my license was technically suspended for a little while and I didn't know it, because I had moved and didn't get the mail.

 

[Nurse Ratched]

Basically, I got three points for a negligent driving charge when I fell asleep and drove into a guard rail and totaled my old Honda, and then 12 points for an expired registration charge a couple months later. So 15 points in under two years, which means suspension. I'm guessing I got that many points on it because it took me a while to pay off the fines, and my license was technically suspended for a little while and I didn't know it, because I had moved and didn't get the mail.

Geez def....you can't catch a damn break. Two steps forward and 5 backwards. I really hope 2022 is kinder to you. You seem like a really good guy and I hope shit changes for you soon.

 

[deficiT]

Geez def....you can't catch a damn break. Two steps forward and 5 backwards. I really hope 2022 is kinder to you. You seem like a really good guy and I hope shit changes for you soon.

It's absolute insanity and it feels like it's been this way my whole life. Like yeah, I've made mistakes, but like nothing that damn serious enough to deserve all this. It's a miracle I'm even still here, so I guess I should be happy for that.

 

[Nurse Ratched]

It's absolute insanity and it feels like it's been this way my whole life. Like yeah, I've made mistakes, but like nothing that damn serious enough to deserve all this. It's a miracle I'm even still here, so I guess I should be happy for that.

Yeah, I feel ya there. My life was a lot like yours when I was your age. A LOT.

I always thought I was trying hard and doing the right thing and drugs and alcohol kept creeping into my life like the sneaky little fuckers that they are.

I put my life in danger by my choices easily 100 times or more. Whether it was sketchy hoods, or driving drunk, or any number of stupid things I did I am happy ( and lucky) to be here as well.

 

[birdup]

I probably ought to just get on methadone.

Yes, do that.

Also, get a lawyer for the license thing if you haven't already. I know many people who have contested this sort of thing in court (in Australia) and managed to retain their license. They might put you on the equivalent of a good behaviour bond or something, but it's worth it as long as you can keep your nose clean for 6 months.

 

[Shady's Fox]

i happend to you know like everyone, move around when you sleep.. is part of the sleep process wtf and i slept on the right side you know what am sayin and i haven't hugged any form of devilish methods, is still swollen with what was first a simple ''balloon'' now it looks but isn't like a similar ring shaped pimple you get when you have abcesses, it hurts when i try to unzip it because currently is peeling off by itself which tells me more about how the course of antibiotics was a success.. and just my lifestyle, I am a person who only drinks squeezed fruits, i am extremely proud of myself further more notice to me how strong I was in infections and my drug period.. in general you know what am sayin

 

[Shady's Fox]

hope yall try to stay safe, stay home stay dandy you know what am sayin

you have internet, food..

 

[Jabberwocky]

@deficiT i dunno if this is helpful or not but its what i got so take it or leave it. i really wanted to score from about mid jan 2020 to about mid march, when i did. i went to rehab in sept 2018 and hadn't touched heroin until then.

i was having to walk past people scoring on my way to/from work most days and going past them was fucking agony.

my key worker at the drugs services had told me, for some odd reason cos its a dumb thing to say to a heroin addict, that if i used it would probably feel like my first (good, first couple i actually didn't do enough) time. that played on my mind.

she was wrong. it was shit. it didn't do anything i wanted to, then made me sleep for like 24 hours then i went and scored again in case i'd done it wrong. lol. i could tell by the way it was on the foil that it was decent. again, nothing. then was fucking ill for the next week cos of my stupid opioid receptors.

i tried again in september. scored a couple of times. got some crack as well. at least some of that was decent. but the heroin again didn't give me THAT feeling, the one we all chase. and i was more ill than before when i stopped.

i had to accept heroin was over for me. i asked in the EADD heroin thread if other people had had similar, like it just not being the same after a long break, and found out my experience is pretty normal.

so if you did score, i doubt it would make you feel the way you want it to. and then you'd have the emptiness of not even having heroin as a mental escape plan.

though this experience has heartbreaking it helped me shut the door. but i did not have all the probation shit you got going on. its not worth throwing away all your progress for something that won't even give you any respite.

 

[Jabberwocky]

@Blankenstein fuck man, i'm glad you didn't OD and glad you're back in work. i hope they get rehab sorted for you soon.

going from using gear twice to even considering injecting is a swift escalation imo- i put off IVing a long time cos i'm so squeamish and i'm glad i did.

i used to do the same re buying bulk to save money and just ending up doubling my habit.

your mood swings will probably be related to your drug use and the general negative place you're in mentally. plus you don't wanna go down the bipolar route. in my second long hospitalisation for anorexia they diagnosed me as possibly bipolar II but thankfully didn't medicate me for it- i read the description and thought it fits, i.e. these incredibly high energy low moods, which are very dangerous cos you're more likely to actually off yourself. and i always thought my anorexia needed some component of mania cos i just don't know how i kept going. anyway, the medications they use for that are heavy duty, i'm glad i didn't get put on them. its natural for someone in the throes of mental illness to the extent they are about to be or in residential treatment to be fucking unstable.

also sorry for the late reply. i've been travelling for work and very tired and busy and stressed and fucked up in the same old fucking boring ways.

 

[Blankenstein]

@Blankenstein fuck man, i'm glad you didn't OD and glad you're back in work. i hope they get rehab sorted for you soon.

going from using gear twice to even considering injecting is a swift escalation imo- i put off IVing a long time cos i'm so squeamish and i'm glad i did.

i used to do the same re buying bulk to save money and just ending up doubling my habit.

your mood swings will probably be related to your drug use and the general negative place you're in mentally. plus you don't wanna go down the bipolar route. in my second long hospitalisation for anorexia they diagnosed me as possibly bipolar II but thankfully didn't medicate me for it- i read the description and thought it fits, i.e. these incredibly high energy low moods, which are very dangerous cos you're more likely to actually off yourself. and i always thought my anorexia needed some component of mania cos i just don't know how i kept going. anyway, the medications they use for that are heavy duty, i'm glad i didn't get put on them. its natural for someone in the throes of mental illness to the extent they are about to be or in residential treatment to be fucking unstable.

also sorry for the late reply. i've been travelling for work and very tired and busy and stressed and fucked up in the same old fucking boring ways.

All good. I had a bunch of Valium and clonazepam tonight with a couple of beers thinking I’d get that nice relaxing feeling. I feel like benzos don’t do it for me anymore.

It sounds like I might have to wait 2 months for my health insurance upgrade to be able to use it. I just want it to be over and in a treatment.

Yeh I think I’m just depressed because of drug use and yeh I think less pharmaceutical pills i take the better.

I got a some heroin stashed at home and a bunch of benzos for when I get home. See how i go. I’ll be fine.

Seems like you’re going alright, drinking much or binge eating?

 

[Blankenstein]

Yeh the amount of money I’m spending is fucked and I don’t ever really get the feeling im chasing.