Bluelight self harm support thread

spork

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Hey everyone. We decided to archive the old self harm thread and start a new thread in Mental Health rather than The Dark Side since this subject seems to err more on the side of mental health. Nothing else has changed, it's just in a new spot.

Post here if you're having thoughts of self-harm or have self-harmed and would like to connect with other people that might have an idea of what you're going through.

Please do not post ANYTHING that may be considered glorifying self-harm here, including pictures of wounds or knives or anything else that may be triggering to people that may be suffering with thoughts of self-harm. Basically, just think before you post and you should be good. The Bluelight User Agreement and Mental Health Forum Guidelines will also be enforced here. Let's make this a safe area for people to come to. The last thread can be found here.

Much love to you all. You don't have to go through this alone. <3
 

Raz

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First up: can I suggest we put something in TDS to show the thread has been moved here? I went there to post and couldn't find it, there was nothing to say the thread has been moved to another forum (unless I am totally missing something obvious which I am willing to admit is probably likely)

I have begun cutting myself again....I have literally two friends and I am beginning to feel that I am burdening them with my shit. Alcohol only goes so far, and I need to not feel bad things anymore so now I have new cuts. I need to learn how to not care that nobody gives a shit about me again, I know there's a way that used to happen but fucked if I can remember now. :(
 

herbavore

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<3^ hey, Raz, sorry about the confusion over the thread moving. There is a breakdown of where all the usual threads went here.

Making peace with loneliness is the hardest thing I ever did and it was not even a conscious act. Looking back, I do think cutting was a strange part of that process. Since being many years away from that experience, I have tried to look back at it and to understand it and the closest I can ever come is to say that I was bringing myself to an edge where only I existed and I was trying to open. It was a clumsy effort but the need underneath the act is at the core of self-acceptance. I stopped being lonely when I learned to accept myself--not that this is a done deal, but on a very basic level something shifted. This is a quote that I read the other day that expressed this better than I can:

“
Loneliness is the human condition. Cultivate it. The way it tunnels into you allows your soul room to grow. Never expect to outgrow loneliness. Never hope to find people who will understand you, someone to fill that space. An intelligent, sensitive person is the exception, the very great exception. If you expect to find people who will understand you, you will grow murderous with disappointment. The best you'll ever do is to understand yourself, know what it is that you want, and not let the cattle stand in your way.”
― Janet Fitch, White Oleander

I think that cultivating a relationship with loneliness is essential. This does not mean isolating from people or not caring. It means that you recognize that while life is made more meaningful and satisfying through our human connections, our aloneness is also meaningful. Another quote:

At the innermost core of all loneliness is a deep and powerful yearning for union with one's lost self.
Brendan Francis

I know from Words that you are an excellent writer. Are you writing about loneliness? Henry Miller attributes the creation of all art to loneliness and I would tend to agree. I hope that writing can help right now.<3
 

modelskinny

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<3^ hey, Raz, sorry about the confusion over the thread moving. There is a breakdown of where all the usual threads went here.

Making peace with loneliness is the hardest thing I ever did and it was not even a conscious act. Looking back, I do think cutting was a strange part of that process. Since being many years away from that experience, I have tried to look back at it and to understand it and the closest I can ever come is to say that I was bringing myself to an edge where only I existed and I was trying to open. It was a clumsy effort but the need underneath the act is at the core of self-acceptance. I stopped being lonely when I learned to accept myself--not that this is a done deal, but on a very basic level something shifted. This is a quote that I read the other day that expressed this better than I can:

“
Loneliness is the human condition. Cultivate it. The way it tunnels into you allows your soul room to grow. Never expect to outgrow loneliness. Never hope to find people who will understand you, someone to fill that space. An intelligent, sensitive person is the exception, the very great exception. If you expect to find people who will understand you, you will grow murderous with disappointment. The best you'll ever do is to understand yourself, know what it is that you want, and not let the cattle stand in your way.”
― Janet Fitch, White Oleander

I think that cultivating a relationship with loneliness is essential. This does not mean isolating from people or not caring. It means that you recognize that while life is made more meaningful and satisfying through our human connections, our aloneness is also meaningful. Another quote:

At the innermost core of all loneliness is a deep and powerful yearning for union with one's lost self.
Brendan Francis

I know from Words that you are an excellent writer. Are you writing about loneliness? Henry Miller attributes the creation of all art to loneliness and I would tend to agree. I hope that writing can help right now.<3


What a wonderful post to read. Thank you. Those quotes are something that I will be posting on my bathroom mirror as a reminder to myself. I've been struggling with loneliness my entire life, and even more so this last 6 months.
 

Greenmote

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I know I have an issue, but the thing is, I don't necessarily want to stop. Part of me does want to stop, and part of me really, really doesn't. Whenever I cut, it always makes me feel better to see the blood and to feel the sting. I don't know why, it just makes me feel better and takes my mind from the stresses that made me want to in the first place. I know I shouldn't be doing this, but cutting just feels as if it helps... And recently, I've been more depressed than usual due to relationship issues and school, and I'm frightened about my relationship issues, which has been causing most of my stress, recently. I feel I'm not as bad as I was before, because I don't really have the "want" to die, anymore. I enjoy living, yes, but there are the darker parts that I have difficulty coping with. Things seem as if they've gotten better since I've been in my relationship, and yet, it causes a lot of stress. I'm not as depressed as I was before, of course, but I still have the urge to cut whenever I get depressed, or upset, about anything. I told my boyfriend I didn't cut anymore, but, well, I cut the other day, so I guess that statement isn't true, anymore. I just don't know what to do, about everything... Any advice will be very appreciated... Thank you.
 
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Vaya

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I know I have an issue, but the thing is, I don't necessarily want to stop. Part of me does want to stop, and part of me really, really doesn't. Whenever I cut, it always makes me feel better to see the blood and to feel the sting. I don't know why, it just makes me feel better and takes my mind from the stresses that made me want to in the first place. I know I shouldn't be doing this, but cutting just feels as if it helps... And recently, I've been more depressed than usual due to relationship issues and school, and I'm frightened about my relationship issues, which has been causing most of my stress, recently. I feel I'm not as bad as I was before, because I don't really have the "want" to die, anymore. I enjoy living, yes, but there are the darker parts that I have difficulty coping with. Things seem as if they've gotten better since I've been in my relationship, and yet, it causes a lot of stress. I'm not as depressed as I was before, of course, but I still have the urge to cut whenever I get depressed, or upset, about anything. I told my boyfriend I didn't cut anymore, but, well, I cut the other day, so I guess that statement isn't true, anymore. I just don't know what to do, about everything... Any advice will be very appreciated... Thank you.

Hi Greenmote, welcome to Bluelight - We're glad to have you here!
I'm sorry to hear you have been having such difficulties lately - although it's great to hear tht your depression hasn't been rearing its head as often!

If i understand what you wrote correctly, cutting is triggered by the presence of the experience of negative emotions? Can you speak a little more to that? What, if any, are specific triggers for the caliber of sadness and depression that would lead you to cutting as an outlet for those emotions?

Hope to hear back,

~ Vaya
 

Greenmote

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Hi Greenmote, welcome to Bluelight - We're glad to have you here!
I'm sorry to hear you have been having such difficulties lately - although it's great to hear that your depression hasn't been rearing its head as often!

If i understand what you wrote correctly, cutting is triggered by the presence of the experience of negative emotions? Can you speak a little more to that? What, if any, are specific triggers for the caliber of sadness and depression that would lead you to cutting as an outlet for those emotions?

Hope to hear back,

~ Vaya

Specific triggers for me wanting to cut? Well, just feeling down in general makes my mind turn to that urge, as well as not being able to do anything to help my boyfriend when he's angry like he gets, because honestly, I'm rather terrified by people who snap and get furious like he does, sometimes. But I still love him. And I believe the biggest trigger can be whenever I look at the cuts I've inflicted. It makes me want to add more, to mark up my legs as much as I can. And sometimes, they're the things that keep my from cutting. But, more often than not, it's looking at my cuts, and wanting to add to them, when I'm depressed.
 

Vaya

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Does your SO realize that his temperament scares you? Have you two spoken openly about how it relates to your self-harm behavior in order to facilitate a dynamic of trust and communication? From the little knowledge I have of your situation.... well, it seems to me quite obvious that to be able to express your thoughts without fear, and to know that he hears and appreciates the implications of what you have to say, may alleviate much of the depression his anger elicits within you - and, secondarily, will reduce the incidences of self-mutilation. Positive outlets for negative feelings appear with much greater clarity when we are relaxed, content and stable.
 

Greenmote

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I don't think any of that matters, anymore... After six months, he and I are no longer together, and I'm getting worse, despite my efforts. I told my mother about my self-harming, but that didn't help. She threatened to send me to the Psychiatric Ward, and said I was doing it for attention. I didn't tell her how I was feeling, because I don't want to be sent off to a Psychiatric Ward, so she thinks this is all for attention, and I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel so depressed all the time, now, and my cutting issue hasn't gotten better. Sometimes I feel it would be easier to simply not be alive anymore, because I just don't know what to do anymore.
 
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herbavore

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That is really sad that your mother reacted that way. Hopefully it was just an over-reaction based on her own fears for you and she will seek out information that will help her be better support for you.

You do not need to go to a psyche ward for this, but I think counseling would do you a world of good--especially with someone that understands self harm.

Sometimes we set up all sorts of conditions on our ability to be happy (I need a boyfriend, I need really good friends that understand me, I need to look different, act differently, etc) when it may be a good time to turn away from our normal script and experiment with writing a new one. What could you do this summer to celebrate who you are? Could you find volunteer work that connects you with a different population than you are used to (elderly, immigrant, etc)? Could you take a class to pursue an art or craft or music interest?
 

foolsgold

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god what the fuck is up with me im wanting to do something i've not done in years and start cutting myself again one minute im ok the next i want to slit my wrist now this its really not worth the shit any more and i don't know how much more i can take to truthful im alone 24/7 have been for around 14 years now almost every day of that is spent on my own i've no family no friends no fuck all left
 

ad lib

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god what the fuck is up with me im wanting to do something i've not done in years and start cutting myself again one minute im ok the next i want to slit my wrist now this its really not worth the shit any more and i don't know how much more i can take to truthful im alone 24/7 have been for around 14 years now almost every day of that is spent on my own i've no family no friends no fuck all left

Hey <3 You always have a friend in me. It may sound cheesy, but I'm here. If you were to leave this world it would be a much darker place and we would miss you very much. Please PM me if you ever need to.
 

Sprout

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I've been checking all my scars over today, haven't self-harmed in 18 months, but the urges are coming back. Staring at the 6 inch scar on my chest is really helping me not to act on my impulses. God I hate this stupid, fucking illness, a constant addiction in the back of the mind.
 

ad lib

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I've been checking all my scars over today, haven't self-harmed in 18 months, but the urges are coming back. Staring at the 6 inch scar on my chest is really helping me not to act on my impulses. God I hate this stupid, fucking illness, a constant addiction in the back of the mind.

Hey SOS,

Is there anything triggering you to want to SI?

Try keeping your hands busy. I find journaling and reading to help me tremendously. Have you considered therapy?
 

Sprout

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Coming down from a manic episode along with combined opiate and alcohol withdrawal is awful. Various instances in my personal life are pressing on me, but nothing major - but still, I can't close my eyes without thinking of SH, without thinking how much better off the world would be without me. It's tiring, I'm only 18 and I've had this on my back for 6 years. I know how wrong and dangerous my thinking is, but as is ever the case: the thoughts, the pain and the hollowness remain.
 

AlphaMethylPhenyl

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I must admit, I am probably more pained than I have ever been at this point, but I couldn't self-harm. I just couldn't. It's like, I've tried before, not because I was in pain, but because obviously a feeling accompanies it.

Hollowness, that the world would be better without me, I feel the same. In fact, its even worse for me (as I'm sure it is with you). I get periodically assaulted with what I could only describe as the wrath of god. Its like a nuclear bomb has gone off in my brain and that I'm the subject of a horror movie at the same time.
 
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Sprout

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I must admit, I am probably more pained than I have ever been at this point, but I couldn't self-harm. I just couldn't. It's like, I've tried before, not because I was in pain, but because obviously a feeling accompanies it.

Hollowness, that the world would be better without me, I feel the same. In fact, its even worse for me (as I'm sure it is with you). I get periodically assaulted with what I could only describe as the wrath of god. Its like a nuclear bomb has gone off in my brain and that I'm the subject of a horror movie at the same time.

It's a very, very good thing that you don't/can't use it as a coping mechanism. It truly does ruin people.
 
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