Advice Guy I've been dating for a while &him needing space - male+female opinions please

[Qzly7r]

So, there's this guy I've been seeing for around half a year now. Everything was great, we hit it off right away, we got on, had similar interests, could talk about absolute bs and have a good flirting:roast ratio and have been intimate a month or so after seeing each other, as well as meeting up at least once a week if not more which progressively went down to every weekend to every other weekend. Also, I have depression but I'm on meds and I'm doing really well on it and I don't usually go out on dates or anything as I was never really the type to go on a date with just anyone (lack of interest, motivation, yada yada yada), but there was just something about this guy. Now, Guy XYZ has been acting quite distant a few weeks ago now and about a week or so ago said that he needed space from everyone (which I can understand). I sent him a supportive message saying I'm always here when he's ready to talk etc - he read it and ignored it (but that was fine too given the circumstances). Messaged him a few days later asking if he's ok (he's been active on social media the whole time - not a problem obviously - but he's also been active on the texting platform we use but another few days had gone by and he still hadn'tt read the text or replied). So I left it again for a bit, but at this point I'm just like... what's going on... are we still dating... like is this his way of kinda ghosting me? Soooo.... I sent another text basically saying I don't know what's going on, are we ok and if he still needs space, if I should stop texting and wait for him to reach out to me etc and he finally read the texts and replied - he said he was sorry, he's just wanting and needing space, not from me but from everyone, he's been unhappy lately (no mention of where we stand, if I should stop texting, or if I should wait for his text when he's ready) - So I replied and said it was okay, I get it, I'm always here for him, no judgement and I just wanted to know where I stand basically - I didn't wanna push him for answers too much. Anyway, he read that text but didn't reply. So, again, I left it. It's been over a week altogether now, I sent him a text saying I'm still here for him, hope he's ok and that I miss him (obviously not expecting a reply, just wanting him to know he's missed and that I care - he hasn't been on that platform for a few days now but has still been on other social media platforms).

Basically I really like this guy, I know it's only been half a year-ish, and I would definitely want this to become something more serious and official. I just want to know whether I should hold on and be patient, to just completely stop texting until HE reaches out, or if I'm being stupid and should cut my losses? I've met his family and stayed round a lot, he can be a bit vague when it comes to his feelings and I'm quite expressive with mine, but that's not an issue.

 

[Qzly7r]

I would hold on if you really like him a lot. When I’m in a deep dark depression I can’t get out of bed and can hardly do the bare minimum activities of daily living like shower and brush my teeth and the only household chores I can manage are those for my cat because I love her so much it’s not fair to her to have to not have clean liter because I am nonfunctional

Ofc, I completely understand that, I've been like that for about 10 years now. I just want him to know that I'm here for him whenever he's ready to talk, but since I overthink a lot and my brain goes 1000mph cause of the depression, I really kinda need the assurance, just a small one to say something like, yeah we're fine I'll text you when I'm ready - or something along those lines.

I understand why you would feel like this is unacceptable I am not going to stand for this but I just want to show you a little of what it is like when I feel like when it sounds like what he is feeling all I would do is watch youtube or be online and lay in bed all day every day

It's not that I find it unacceptable, I just don't want him to feel alone in whatever he's going through, I know how sucky that can be.

I just would hate for you to lose someone that you could have something special with because of his depression

I mean he could just be burnt out or getting depressed, but from what we've spoken about in regards to mental health he doesn't think he has it, but we've kinda spoken about mine.

I don't want to lose something which could be great too, but I don't know if I'm pushing it right now. Also I'm scared that he's found someone new instead maybe or just isn't interested in me anymore?

 

[Qzly7r]

I would hold on if you really like him a lot. When I’m in a deep dark depression I can’t get out of bed and can hardly do the bare minimum activities of daily living like shower and brush my teeth and the only household chores I can manage are those for my cat because I love her so much it’s not fair to her to have to not have clean liter because I am nonfunctional

Also, I'm sorry you've got depression, it's very sucky and makes life just that bit hardedr, I'm glad you have your cat though, cats are angels

 

[Nurse Ratched]

These kinds of things are always so tricky. We want to believe they " just need space " or they " need some time alone " and then we give it to them and we never know when they have had enough time or space because they don't respond to our messages.

I'm sure you have heard the saying that " No reply IS a reply ". And it's a powerful one. It's almost like saying ( without saying it ) that what you wrote to me is unimportant and I don't feel like responding.

It really all depends on how things were going when he lost interest. Were there arguments? Conflicting mental health issues? Was the lovemaking still good or did it decrease in amount of times you were intimate? Any reason to think he might be interested in someone else? How old are you guys?

Could be one of two things. He lost interest and because he really cares about you as a person he doesn't know how to tell you so he just is saying nothing instead of telling you how he REALLY feels. Or he really does feel like he needs some time alone ( which is okay ) but I think he owes you the courtesy of keeping in touch and letting you know how things are going.

When someone just quits communicating that's a big red flag.

 

[Qzly7r]

These kinds of things are always so tricky. We want to believe they " just need space " or they " need some time alone " and then we give it to them and we never know when they have had enough time or space because they don't respond to our messages.

Exactly why I'm so torn right now, unfortunately.

I'm sure you have heard the saying that " No reply IS a reply ". And it's a powerful one. It's almost like saying ( without saying it ) that what you wrote to me is unimportant and I don't feel like responding.

This is how it makes me feel, but on the other hand I do understand why he's not responded because I can be like that too, I try not to be - sometimes it can't be helped.

It really all depends on how things were going when he lost interest. Were there arguments? Conflicting mental health issues? Was the lovemaking still good or did it decrease in amount of times you were intimate? Any reason to think he might be interested in someone else? How old are you guys?

No, everything was fine, there were some miscommunications and misinterpretations of tone via text, but that all got sorted. We took a break for about a week or so of not talking and rekindled the dating again. No lost interest on both parts as far as I was aware. No conflict in mental health issues, maybe conflict in expressing emotions though. Oh the lovemaking has been amazing cause of the emotional inimacy, never had anything quite like it before. I mean,he went back to a dating app during our small "break" and I only found out as a friend of mine saw his profile as she was swiping, I brought it up and he said he went on it cause he was drinking that night - which okay, fine. We're in our mid-late 20s.

Could be one of two things. He lost interest and because he really cares about you as a person he doesn't know how to tell you so he just is saying nothing instead of telling you how he REALLY feels. Or he really does feel like he needs some time alone ( which is okay ) but I think he owes you the courtesy of keeping in touch and letting you know how things are going.

I mean, we both clarified at the start that if one of us loses interest, we'd mention it no matter what so no one gets strung along, I suppose that's before all the intimacy and time spent together. Yeah I mean, I don't even mind if he doesn't text for a bit. However, I'd definitely like the respect to at least let me know where we stand as of dating, interest, etc instead of shutting me out.

When someone just quits communicating that's a big red flag.

That thought did cross my mind, then again I know how he can be. He does like his own time and he doesn't go out with his mates a lot but he still keeps in touch with them. On the other hand, his enjoyment for his solitude is also his downfall when it comes to his mental health.

 

[Nurse Ratched]

Exactly why I'm so torn right now, unfortunately.


This is how it makes me feel, but on the other hand I do understand why he's not responded because I can be like that too, I try not to be - sometimes it can't be helped.


No, everything was fine, there were some miscommunications and misinterpretations of tone via text, but that all got sorted. We took a break for about a week or so of not talking and rekindled the dating again. No lost interest on both parts as far as I was aware. No conflict in mental health issues, maybe conflict in expressing emotions though. Oh the lovemaking has been amazing cause of the emotional inimacy, never had anything quite like it before. I mean,he went back to a dating app during our small "break" and I only found out as a friend of mine saw his profile as she was swiping, I brought it up and he said he went on it cause he was drinking that night - which okay, fine. We're in our mid-late 20s.

I mean, we both clarified at the start that if one of us loses interest, we'd mention it no matter what so no one gets strung along, I suppose that's before all the intimacy and time spent together. Yeah I mean, I don't even mind if he doesn't text for a bit. However, I'd definitely like the respect to at least let me know where we stand as of dating, interest, etc instead of shutting me out.

That thought did cross my mind, then again I know how he can be. He does like his own time and he doesn't go out with his mates a lot but he still keeps in touch with them. On the other hand, his enjoyment for his solitude is also his downfall when it comes to his mental health.

You seem like a really understanding and compassionate partner. And you also seem really mature about the whole thing. I'm glad you are giving him the benefit of the doubt and I hope he soon sorts this all out and you two can reunite in love again.

The dating app and the drunk excuse is a little worrisome but he is a guy and guys do this. So do women. As long as he is just looking I guess it's all good. You are a patient woman I will give you that. You must care deeply for him and I am truly hoping it all works out for both of you.

 

[Qzly7r]

You seem like a really understanding and compassionate partner. And you also seem really mature about the whole thing. I'm glad you are giving him the benefit of the doubt and I hope he soon sorts this all out and you two can reunite in love again.

I'm trying to be, past relationships really do help you grow, especially traumatic ones

The dating app and the drunk excuse is a little worrisome but he is a guy and guys do this. So do women.

Yeah, I did find it questionable too, but I haven't caught him lying about anything so far, so I don't really have a reason to further question his answer. I just have to take it at face value, my lack of trust could still be a lingering effect from past relationships.

As long as he is just looking I guess it's all good.

I did clarify with him because he asked where we go from there. I said it depends on whether he's talking to anyone from there, he said no but technically yes (as in me) and two, whether he met up with anyone or did anything during our "break" again he said no. Going back to what I said before, no choice but to take his answers at face value unless I find out he's lied to me about anything at all.

You are a patient woman I will give you that.

I've never normally been this patient, but I don't know, something about this guy, I can't pinpoint it though.

You must care deeply for him and I am truly hoping it all works out for both of you.

I really do, which is why I'm stuck here twiddling my thumbs about what to do haha, thank you, I hope all is fine and goes back to normal and that he's ok

 

[thujone]

No, everything was fine, there were some miscommunications and misinterpretations of tone via text, but that all got sorted. We took a break for about a week or so of not talking and rekindled the dating again. No lost interest on both parts as far as I was aware. No conflict in mental health issues, maybe conflict in expressing emotions though. Oh the lovemaking has been amazing cause of the emotional inimacy, never had anything quite like it before. I mean,he went back to a dating app during our small "break" and I only found out as a friend of mine saw his profile as she was swiping, I brought it up and he said he went on it cause he was drinking that night - which okay, fine. We're in our mid-late 20s.

A guy in his 20s, active on dating apps, who is keeping you in thrall with great sex and mysteriously unavailable for long stretches of time?

I guess there's always a chance he really "needs space from everyone", but the more likely explanation for it is that he's keeping you on the backburner while he explores other options.

You could cut your losses now but it doesn't sound like your current guy would even notice if you just started seeing other people yourself, so why not?

 

[pofacedhoe]

yeah needing space seems like bullshit to me personally

i find that if i'm into someone i want to be with them and quite often being with someone made my mood better, it was generally when we split i got depressed

i kind of think that a lot of people now talk in shitty reality tv terms

i need some space is soap opera talk. it doesn't mean anything clear at all. ive only said it to one friend who used to play mind games and i dont really see them much these days and never without other people present so there you go

another one is we need talk...

if someone starts spouting cliches i'm thinking theyre a twat

 

[Anxiety Girl]

Give him his space, you messaging him is putting him off even more, remember absence makes the heart grow fonder, Google the no contact rule

 

[Qzly7r]

A guy in his 20s, active on dating apps, who is keeping you in thrall with great sex and mysteriously unavailable for long stretches of time?

I guess there's always a chance he really "needs space from everyone", but the more likely explanation for it is that he's keeping you on the backburner while he explores other options.

You could cut your losses now but it doesn't sound like your current guy would even notice if you just started seeing other people yourself, so why not?

He messaged me a few days ago apologising and explaining that he's just been down and started texting like we normally do and I replied normally. Then he just up and disappeared again... Maybe you're right...

 

[Qzly7r]

yeah needing space seems like bullshit to me personally

i find that if i'm into someone i want to be with them and quite often being with someone made my mood better, it was generally when we split i got depressed

i kind of think that a lot of people now talk in shitty reality tv terms

i need some space is soap opera talk. it doesn't mean anything clear at all. ive only said it to one friend who used to play mind games and i dont really see them much these days and never without other people present so there you go

another one is we need talk...

if someone starts spouting cliches i'm thinking theyre a twat

Yeah, I'm just confused about how to feel about it all...

 

[Qzly7r]

Give him his space, you messaging him is putting him off even more, remember absence makes the heart grow fonder, Google the no contact rule

I'm trying. I mean I'm wasn't texting him everyday, but yeah I think you're right. Probably just leave him to it. What if he never reaches out again but we still have each other on socials etc? Like how long is too long to wait?

 

[Anxiety Girl]

What if he never reaches out again but we still have each other on socials etc? Like how long is too long to wait?

You need to get rid of him on social media, seeing him active online is going to make it even harder, you check if he's online hoping he'll message, you see he's posting stuff, commenting on stuff, it makes everything so much worse, cut all ties if this sounds about right

If he doesn't reach out you can't force someones mind I'm afraid, the no contact rule works, it has for me and loads of others hence why it's all over the Internet, even when I wasn't doing the no contact rule and I'd actually gave up on my ex's, they'd still come crawling back after a few days, weeks, months even my last ex got back in touch after 2 and a half years lol, but normally it's weeks or a few months, it feels as if when you're finally getting over them, you stop checking your phone all the time and they then contact you, like they've got a 6th sence you're moving on, and what feels fucking brilliant is being able to block the cunt after you've gave them so many chances you no longer love them as you realise they're assholes, you're better than them, worth more and deserve better, I have ignored my last 2 ex's who tried getting back in touch, both had more than enough chances, in the end you honestly fall out of love and can move on as you think more of all the bad shit they've done, how they treated you and how they made you feel, like how your feeling now

 

[pofacedhoe]

You need to get rid of him on social media, seeing him active online is going to make it even harder, you check if he's online hoping he'll message, you see he's posting stuff, commenting on stuff, it makes everything so much worse, cut all ties if this sounds about right

If he doesn't reach out you can't force someones mind I'm afraid, the no contact rule works, it has for me and loads of others hence why it's all over the Internet, even when I wasn't doing the no contact rule and I'd actually gave up on my ex's, they'd still come crawling back after a few days, weeks, months even my last ex got back in touch after 2 and a half years lol, but normally it's weeks or a few months, it feels as if when you're finally getting over them, you stop checking your phone all the time and they then contact you, like they've got a 6th sence you're moving on, and what feels fucking brilliant is being able to block the cunt after you've gave them so many chances you no longer love them as you realise they're assholes, you're better than them, worth more and deserve better, I have ignored my last 2 ex's who tried getting back in touch, both had more than enough chances, in the end you honestly fall out of love and can move on as you think more of all the bad shit they've done, how they treated you and how they made you feel, like how your feeling now

if someone cannot meet your needs having them in your life/mind is getting in the way of fresh suitable opportunities

 

[Qzly7r]

You need to get rid of him on social media, seeing him active online is going to make it even harder, you check if he's online hoping he'll message, you see he's posting stuff, commenting on stuff, it makes everything so much worse, cut all ties if this sounds about right

If he doesn't reach out you can't force someones mind I'm afraid, the no contact rule works, it has for me and loads of others hence why it's all over the Internet, even when I wasn't doing the no contact rule and I'd actually gave up on my ex's, they'd still come crawling back after a few days, weeks, months even my last ex got back in touch after 2 and a half years lol, but normally it's weeks or a few months, it feels as if when you're finally getting over them, you stop checking your phone all the time and they then contact you, like they've got a 6th sence you're moving on, and what feels fucking brilliant is being able to block the cunt after you've gave them so many chances you no longer love them as you realise they're assholes, you're better than them, worth more and deserve better, I have ignored my last 2 ex's who tried getting back in touch, both had more than enough chances, in the end you honestly fall out of love and can move on as you think more of all the bad shit they've done, how they treated you and how they made you feel, like how your feeling now

if someone cannot meet your needs having them in your life/mind is getting in the way of fresh suitable opportunities

Damn, I know you're both right

 

[TheUltimateFixx]

I hope for your sake it's not the case, but I think he was mostly in it for the sex. Now he's had sex with you enough times that the novelty's worn off. Sure he enjoyed your company but looks like he clearly isn't feeling the same spark you are.

'I need space' generally translates as 'I wanna break it off but am too cowardly to tell you to your face'. I'd buy it if he were withdrawing the same way from everyone else, but you say he keeps in touch with his mates even when he's not seeing them in person, and is active on social media. Nope.

 

[Zopiclone bandit]

to just completely stop texting until HE reaches out

THIS!!!!

If he really is in depression I can relate to the way his going on 100% as it is what I do too when I want to paint the wall with my brain.

 

[Zopiclone bandit]

You need to get rid of him on social media, seeing him active online is going to make it even harder, you check if he's online hoping he'll message, you see he's posting stuff, commenting on stuff, it makes everything so much worse, cut all ties

Check the Ego on this thing, Ye Gods!!!

 

[Qzly7r]

I hope for your sake it's not the case, but I think he was mostly in it for the sex. Now he's had sex with you enough times that the novelty's worn off. Sure he enjoyed your company but looks like he clearly isn't feeling the same spark you are.

'I need space' generally translates as 'I wanna break it off but am too cowardly to tell you to your face'. I'd buy it if he were withdrawing the same way from everyone else, but you say he keeps in touch with his mates even when he's not seeing them in person, and is active on social media. Nope.

Yeah, he's also read my text from like last week and just ignored it, definitely think it's time to give up