I have confirmed this with family. CaptainHeroin, who has been a senior moderator here for so long, has recently passed away from a tragic OD. He has helped me for very many years with harm reduction, along with countless others. He helped me laugh when no one else could. It is with great sadness I announce this to the BL community. I am weeping.
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Bluelight
Shrine
A memorial
to Bluelighters
who have passed away
I can completely relate to what you wrote. I lost my boyfriend/husband of 20 years to his OD...right in front of my eyes. We were at the library and he went to shoot up in the bathroom and I just knew something was not right because he was taking too long. So the FUCKING IDIOT security guards, whom I was screaming at to PLEASE go in the men's restroom and look for him...sat with their fingers up
their asses until finally (it literally felt like forever) someone I knew, a male friend, went in and found him on the floor. He said to me "you do not want to go in there'. That was 5 years ago and I am still a broken, sick, fucked up complicated person over it. I have tremendous guilt because I gave him the shit. Just a little because I knew his propensity for overdosing. I honestly feel like I murdered him. I am 12 days clean for the first time in 8 years. But there is no boasting over it, because I know I could cave any second, I so do not want to deal with the pain of losing him. He was THE ONE for me. Two peas in a pod type shit, ride or die. It just fucking sucks.
Rest in peace brotha. One of my original Bluelight idols. I didn't know the guy well or even know his actual name. He was one of the people who made me believe that we all not only had a voice that matters, but that we can actually affect change simply by being present and sharing our experiences.
We talked a lot back in the day... Goddamn. RIP
Same. It's unreal. I know it's true and yet it also seems like it can't be true. That it can't be that I'll never talk to him again.
Fuck if I'm not careful I'm gonna start crying again.
Last I remember he was heavily into dabs and Xanax. Was his name Andrew? How old was he? Are these too personal? He and I did chat on here a bit.
Yes, and unless I'm mistaken he was in his mid-upper 30s. So not much older than me.
Yeah I had a feeling he was about my age and I'm 36. I remember when I first started onnbl he was the first person I PM'd
To change me user name j believe
Allow yourself to cry as much as you need to honeySame. It's unreal. I know it's true and yet it also seems like it can't be true. That it can't be that I'll never talk to him again.
Fuck if I'm not careful I'm gonna start crying again.
Allow yourself to cry as much as you need to honey
Well I've certainly done plenty of that. I probably cried most of the day for the first couple days.
Seems like only very recently where I've started to sometimes, maybe, go a whole day any not cry about it.
I also seem to sometimes, when it's late and my mental health isn't as good, sometimes I'll deliberately read either this thread or conversations I had with him, and that'll start me off again too.
I dunno. I know from experience that it will get better. Eventually. But it takes time.
I feel a giant mess of emotions. Sometimes just grief, sometimes guilt, sometimes I feel anger. I feel angry at him for all the times he brushed off our concerns that this might happen. Then back to guilt again. Guilt for not trying harder to be there for him, guilt for being angry that he wouldn't or couldn't let us help him.
ALL of what you just said is very reminiscent of my grief journey for the first 6 months after my best friend Dan died. So I relate to that soooo muchWell I've certainly done plenty of that. I probably cried most of the day for the first couple days.
Seems like only very recently where I've started to sometimes, maybe, go a whole day any not cry about it.
I also seem to sometimes, when it's late and my mental health isn't as good, sometimes I'll deliberately read either this thread or conversations I had with him, and that'll start me off again too.
I dunno. I know from experience that it will get better. Eventually. But it takes time.
I feel a giant mess of emotions. Sometimes just grief, sometimes guilt, sometimes I feel anger. I feel angry at him for all the times he brushed off our concerns that this might happen. Then back to guilt again. Guilt for not trying harder to be there for him, guilt for being angry that he wouldn't or couldn't let us help him.
It's all part of the grief process Jess, there's no right or wrong way to grieve, just go with it, let it wash over you, give yourself permission to feel it all.
Andrew was 33.
One day he asked me if I could play cribbage which he learned from his grandparents. He told me that he loved it but didn’t know anyone who played. I told him, “Well now you do!” We made tentative plans to meet at a restaurant in LA when he was feeling better. But he just became more and more death/suicide obsessed. He didn’t go out a whole lot.
One day he asked me if I could play cribbage which he learned from his grandparents. He told me that he loved it but didn’t know anyone who played. I told him, “Well now you do!” We made tentative plans to meet at a restaurant in LA when he was feeling better. But he just became more and more death/suicide obsessed. He didn’t go out a whole lot.
I know. It was you and CH who were my support system in 2013 and 14 when I was psychotic and using.
Are you certain? The number I had in my head was a few years older. Though I'm not certain where I got that number from.
Shit assuming that's right he was even younger than I thought, and really close to my age.
I’m 100% sure. Unless he was telling tales!
Wow. I didn't realize he was that close to my age.
Thanks for letting me know though.
Aww man @Captain.Heroin was probably my favorite poster on the forum. Such an amazing, intelligent dude