I have confirmed this with family. CaptainHeroin, who has been a senior moderator here for so long, has recently passed away from a tragic OD. He has helped me for very many years with harm reduction, along with countless others. He helped me laugh when no one else could. It is with great sadness I announce this to the BL community. I am weeping.
-
Bluelight
Shrine
A memorial
to Bluelighters
who have passed away
Missing you today CH. This place isn't the same without you. I often think back to our calls and the support you gave this community. You were a rare breed indeed. Your blue eyes never betrayed the anguish you were truly in. I don't know if your death was accidental or suicide, but I know that you are missed dearly. Every time a new Abyss chapter begins I wish you were there to contribute. RIP.
Me too man. I was going through the old threads collecting names and it brought back a lot of memories.
You had your problems, legend
My impression/belief is that it was kinda both.
You're so right though, he really was one of a kind.
Fully agree, kind of both. We'll never know but seems most likelyMy impression/belief is that it was kinda both.
You're so right though, he really was one of a kind.
We're all unique. Some more than others, granted. Like Andrew.
Rip CH
Fly High CaptainHeroin, the suffering is over!
I never knew the man. From the words of friends I kind of wish I had met him. Hearing "addicts" get real is something magical or maybe supernatural. May this wonderful soul linger on until he decides he can rest.
Believe it or not, I logged onto BL after nearly a decade of not being on here, and having my own bouts of heavy IV meth use, specifically to check on Andrew. I really wanted to pick up more information on IV dosage, etc. and as I was going to check on him, as I used to do every year or so, and then I saw this post and a part of me broke inside. I am completely devastated by the news. I feel awful for not having checked sooner.
I was Andrew's partner and lover from 2013-2014 and to say that Andrew changed my life is an understatement. I know I haven't been in his life as long as the lot of you and even as a lover, I'm sure he had many more after me whom he'd consider more memorable. I was a blip, but this blip has never forgotten Andrew. We lived in the same neighborhood. Andrew introduced me to Nine Inch Nails, with whom I'm deeply in love with now. Along with other artists, including Merzbow. He loved noise. He truly had an impact - even though I was going through my own internal problems, Andrew was there to help me through it. He changed my worldview. He taught me about pantheism and panentheism. "God determines everything vs. we are God (we are one)." He of course, allowed me to step into the world of shatter, wax, Desoxyn/IV meth (my downward spiral was my own doing but had it not been for the hard drugs, I wouldn't have evolved at incredibly fast rate that I did to overcome it and manage some level of maintenance; I would have just been a raging drunk), coke, Salvia, etc. And he was beside me every time and I can still hear him telling me, as I go on a trip, say in his monotone, yet almost uplifting voice, "Enjoy." He introduced me to a world that was always criminalized, demeaned and shunned from society. We were the rejects. The sick ones. He liked to call society out. He always had this disdain towards big Pharma's reach in society's pockets and their capitalizing of people's suffering. He went against the grain. This really saddens me. I have always known him for having himself glued to his phone on BL, and it didn't bother me at all because he would show me exactly who BL was, all the people he'd call, all the people he'd message, the wisdom he'd bring forth at the press of a button. His phone was small too - an iPhone 4 or 5, I believe. He knew so many people. He'd get cards, gifts, gear, memorabilia, books....he was so loved by so many. He let me into his world and would do FaceTime/Skype calls and he would let me see these people. I met them and I learned just what impact he had.
I was there when he quit Suboxone cold turkey that year...56 days it took for the withdrawals to stop. I can feel it was agonizing. I let him use my apartment complex' pool at midnight so he can push through. He was resilient. I laid next him, my back facing him, but against his because I knew he was hurting. I did what I could, and I made sure he ate and wasn't alone. And I loved him. He had an amazing mind. Truly one-of-a-kind. He struggled with wanting to not exist, just like I did. It's that morbid mindset that brought us together. He liked to talk and I liked to listen. The way our conversations would go, "Mhm, mhm, mhm." I still have some of his mannerisms. He left a mark and I'm in such sorrow that he isn't with us anymore.
To Andrew (because there is nowhere else I can say this):
Andrew, it's Chris. I'm so sorry for how things ended between us. I never meant to hurt you and I never meant to break your heart like that. Though I know it's been years and you clearly were strong, resilient, insanely intelligent enough to move past that, despite the misunderstanding (and you moved on rather quickly, which even though I was hurt by, I commend you for moving forward, Godspeed), you continued to make an impact. You continued to expand your mind. You wanted out, but you also told me "we're in the best of all possible universes." I always find myself repeating that to myself, because those were your words. I'm really happy you are loved and will be remembered always.
Steadfast and Godspeed, Captain. I knew you well enough to you knew how to research every detail of combos and drug interactions. You were meticulous and you needed to have exact answers--even for the amount of time we were together, I can piece together what you did. And I commend you. I hope the suffering was lifted. I have come to terms with my own and I may run into you soon. Thank you for enlightening our current universe. Onto the next.
I was Andrew's partner and lover from 2013-2014 and to say that Andrew changed my life is an understatement. I know I haven't been in his life as long as the lot of you and even as a lover, I'm sure he had many more after me whom he'd consider more memorable. I was a blip, but this blip has never forgotten Andrew. We lived in the same neighborhood. Andrew introduced me to Nine Inch Nails, with whom I'm deeply in love with now. Along with other artists, including Merzbow. He loved noise. He truly had an impact - even though I was going through my own internal problems, Andrew was there to help me through it. He changed my worldview. He taught me about pantheism and panentheism. "God determines everything vs. we are God (we are one)." He of course, allowed me to step into the world of shatter, wax, Desoxyn/IV meth (my downward spiral was my own doing but had it not been for the hard drugs, I wouldn't have evolved at incredibly fast rate that I did to overcome it and manage some level of maintenance; I would have just been a raging drunk), coke, Salvia, etc. And he was beside me every time and I can still hear him telling me, as I go on a trip, say in his monotone, yet almost uplifting voice, "Enjoy." He introduced me to a world that was always criminalized, demeaned and shunned from society. We were the rejects. The sick ones. He liked to call society out. He always had this disdain towards big Pharma's reach in society's pockets and their capitalizing of people's suffering. He went against the grain. This really saddens me. I have always known him for having himself glued to his phone on BL, and it didn't bother me at all because he would show me exactly who BL was, all the people he'd call, all the people he'd message, the wisdom he'd bring forth at the press of a button. His phone was small too - an iPhone 4 or 5, I believe. He knew so many people. He'd get cards, gifts, gear, memorabilia, books....he was so loved by so many. He let me into his world and would do FaceTime/Skype calls and he would let me see these people. I met them and I learned just what impact he had.
I was there when he quit Suboxone cold turkey that year...56 days it took for the withdrawals to stop. I can feel it was agonizing. I let him use my apartment complex' pool at midnight so he can push through. He was resilient. I laid next him, my back facing him, but against his because I knew he was hurting. I did what I could, and I made sure he ate and wasn't alone. And I loved him. He had an amazing mind. Truly one-of-a-kind. He struggled with wanting to not exist, just like I did. It's that morbid mindset that brought us together. He liked to talk and I liked to listen. The way our conversations would go, "Mhm, mhm, mhm." I still have some of his mannerisms. He left a mark and I'm in such sorrow that he isn't with us anymore.
To Andrew (because there is nowhere else I can say this):
Andrew, it's Chris. I'm so sorry for how things ended between us. I never meant to hurt you and I never meant to break your heart like that. Though I know it's been years and you clearly were strong, resilient, insanely intelligent enough to move past that, despite the misunderstanding (and you moved on rather quickly, which even though I was hurt by, I commend you for moving forward, Godspeed), you continued to make an impact. You continued to expand your mind. You wanted out, but you also told me "we're in the best of all possible universes." I always find myself repeating that to myself, because those were your words. I'm really happy you are loved and will be remembered always.
Steadfast and Godspeed, Captain. I knew you well enough to you knew how to research every detail of combos and drug interactions. You were meticulous and you needed to have exact answers--even for the amount of time we were together, I can piece together what you did. And I commend you. I hope the suffering was lifted. I have come to terms with my own and I may run into you soon. Thank you for enlightening our current universe. Onto the next.
Last edited:
Me and Ali still talk about you occasionally. Your ability to hold a completely one sided monologue on the phone is the stuff of legend. You had shit to say and goddammit you were gonna say it lol. I hope your with Manny kicking it somewhere in the cosmos with a dope view and some fire ass drugs.
I miss you. The impact you had on my life was not trivial
I miss you. The impact you had on my life was not trivial