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Just Relapsed For The First Time in 4 Years...

DylanSins

DylanSins

Bluelighter
Joined
Jun 27, 2014
Messages
43
Hello BL Buddies,

I previously made a post about me, and how I'm "falling back into old habits" and I finally made the jump: I started IVing again. I can't even begin to describe the guilt, disgust, and frustration; I was literally about to hit 4 years without a needle in my arm. I'm truly disappointed in myself and I'm not sure what to do.

It is truly a fucked situation, on the outside, I look really successful, (not trying to toot my horn) but every time I'm back home (I'm a senior in college, and 3 months out of the year I'm back in my hometown living at my folks' house) I tend to relapse and slam whatever I can get my hands out.

It's a pathetic situation, I'm a senior in college, about to receive a BS, was nominated to present national and local research, designed and run my own department at a large corporation, received several research awards, and I'm currently looking at some very prestigious grad programs—oh and I'm only 22 btw.

I'm really proud of what I've accomplished; yet, I'm constantly setting myself back when I do this shit. I do amazing, productive, and meaningful things when I'm sober but there's this other side of me that loves a rush, the flash, and that instant feeling of euphoria from a fat shot of coke and/or dope.

I'm just lost man, I haven't been to an AA/NA meeting since I was 18, but I think it's time. That being said, and I may have a somewhat pejorative view of the program/people who attend AA/NA (sorry if I offend anyone), but I tend to view the people at NA/AA as people who are not terribly bright, extremely religious, mostly uneducated, and most of the people I've met at meetings work depressing and menial jobs, (e.g., 4/10 people I met were expendable machine operators with very little going for them)

Again, and I can't emphasize this enough, I'm sorry I always ramble when I post, but I just don't know what to do at this point and any advice and/or words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated!
 
Just a heads up.. people with "lower intelligence" are much more likely to recover from drug addiction.

You may have some significant disadvantages facing this.

Ideas on taking on that possible disadvantage successfully?



If your having significant trouble with the fellowship approach, then your going to have to develop your own recovery plan.

The thing with being intelligent when fighting addiction, is your in a battle with your own mind.. so the "smarter" you are the harder it can be. But, we all play with the hands we are dealt.

You have to come up with a strong plan and then adjust it, as needed, until you reach the success you need,

What are you thinking moving forward?

You were doing great what changed or needs to change?
 
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Try to put your self in circumstances where drug use isn't an option. Find something else that gives you that flash of euphoria. Maybe a high dose of a psychedelic with a sitter and the intent of finding out what you could do instead of drugs; what emotional need the drugs fill for you - and what else could fulfill thst need. Just my 2 cents.
 
PsychedelicSummer said:
Try to put your self in circumstances where drug use isn't an option. Find something else that gives you that flash of euphoria. Maybe a high dose of a psychedelic with a sitter and the intent of finding out what you could do instead of drugs; what emotional need the drugs fill for you - and what else could fulfill thst need. Just my 2 cents.
Click to expand...
So you are recommending the OP do a high dose of drugs in order to find out what to do instead of drugs? Sorry, that doesn't compute. While I agree with the premise of trying to find out what could fill the void of drugs, I don't think your idea is in the best interest of Harm Reduction.
 
It happens.Don't worry .four years are four years.You will climb up again
 
PsychedelicSummer said:
Yes. Plenty of both old and new reports of using psychedelics to treat addictions. Here is one: https://www.nytimes.com/2022/03/31/well/mind/psilocybin-mushrooms-addiction-therapy.html
Click to expand...
I'm unable to read the article. Says I've reached my limit of free articles and is prompting me to purchase a subscription.

Anyways, I see what you are saying but I would still recommend the OP to tread lightly with this advice. I see by your username that you may be a little biased so I will stick to my guns and if anything, suggest that they try to find a clinic of some sort where they can do it under proper supervision and counseling with the intent of kicking addiction and not just tripping balls for the hell of it.
 
I was never a fan of sitting in the rooms. But hearing the stories might give you the edge you need to see this thing with clear eyes. It sounds like you are at one of those places in life where one way the world might open up to the future you want, and the other way it goes to shit. Listen to those stories of lives gone wrong and sometimes completely wrecked.

And re this bit: "I tend to view the people at NA/AA as people who are not terribly bright, extremely religious, mostly uneducated, and most of the people I've met at meetings work depressing and menial jobs, (e.g., 4/10 people I met were expendable machine operators with very little going for them)"

It sounds like you look down on them. Why? You haven't navigated this particular problem any better than they have. Be humble.
 
DylanSins said:
Hello BL Buddies,

I previously made a post about me, and how I'm "falling back into old habits" and I finally made the jump: I started IVing again. I can't even begin to describe the guilt, disgust, and frustration; I was literally about to hit 4 years without a needle in my arm. I'm truly disappointed in myself and I'm not sure what to do.

It is truly a fucked situation, on the outside, I look really successful, (not trying to toot my horn) but every time I'm back home (I'm a senior in college, and 3 months out of the year I'm back in my hometown living at my folks' house) I tend to relapse and slam whatever I can get my hands out.

It's a pathetic situation, I'm a senior in college, about to receive a BS, was nominated to present national and local research, designed and run my own department at a large corporation, received several research awards, and I'm currently looking at some very prestigious grad programs—oh and I'm only 22 btw.

I'm really proud of what I've accomplished; yet, I'm constantly setting myself back when I do this shit. I do amazing, productive, and meaningful things when I'm sober but there's this other side of me that loves a rush, the flash, and that instant feeling of euphoria from a fat shot of coke and/or dope.

I'm just lost man, I haven't been to an AA/NA meeting since I was 18, but I think it's time. That being said, and I may have a somewhat pejorative view of the program/people who attend AA/NA (sorry if I offend anyone), but I tend to view the people at NA/AA as people who are not terribly bright, extremely religious, mostly uneducated, and most of the people I've met at meetings work depressing and menial jobs, (e.g., 4/10 people I met were expendable machine operators with very little going for them)

Again, and I can't emphasize this enough, I'm sorry I always ramble when I post, but I just don't know what to do at this point and any advice and/or words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated!
Click to expand...

I'm pretty similar to you in some respects. I didn't have as long off IV meth (which was the main drug I used even though IV heroin is the bigger issue for me). I had 18 months off, and a period between late 2017 and early 2020 when I only shot up a handful of times.

I started when I was 20, so not much older than you and I also went to NA meetings when I was a teenager. I found them unbelievably unhelpful, boring, and actually quite frankly triggering. The reason I eventually got into IV use was because I kept hearing about how amazing it was from people sharing at meetings about it and I decided right then and there that I wasn't going to stay sober until I had my fun with it too. Real helpful. Great harm reduction there lol. I also find it pretty cultish. I much, much prefer SMART Recovery. It's more focussed in the here and now rather than the past and includes goal setting as well.

I'm almost an admitted lawyer. I did the first two years of my law degree while shooting up meth every day, heroin when I could get it, and mixing whatever else I could find in there as well. Still graduated with a GPA of 5.5/7 when I was using for probably around 4/5 years of my degree, albeit only 2 years extremely heavily. I'm finishing off my graduate diploma now and I know my recent relapse needs to change because I just cannot be a lawyer while I'm sticking needles in my arm. Those are two mutually exclusive concepts. They're just not compatible.

It's hard though and I get it. I just really love shooting up. I don't even like meth that much (I have Narcolepsy and ADHD so it's pretty meh to me) and my tolerance for it is perpetually high due to those conditions so it's more expensive than I'd like. Plus I'm prescribed dexamphetamine so that causes a cross tolerance. I don't shoot up to shoot up drugs/meth/heroin. I shoot up to shoot up. I mean Ive even shot up bacteriostatic water as some kind of placebo effect. What gives.

Everything about the ritual is addicting to me. Setting it up, mixing the drugs, drawing it up, tying off, swabbing, feeling for a vein, injecting, registering and getting the flash of blood in the barrel, then pushing the shot. I was 18 months off that shit and I still dreamt about it (granted I did IV heroin once in that 18 months).

The only thing which prevents me from using is not having clean needles in the house or available to me. This means making sure I never have $2 coins on me (the needle vending machines here take $2 coins) and making sure when I drop off dirty needles I have one of my support workers with me making sure I don't go in and get more.

I was planning on taking a 2 month long break starting last week but I found a clean needle which went missing (one of three I misplaced) so I did what I always do and messaged my dealer. I just can't be left around clean needles without eventually caving in.

I think, similarly to me, it may be beneficial for you to talk to someone about what seems to also be a needle fixation. A lot of people get caught up in treating the drug addiction they forget about treating the habitual addiction with IV use and it's something I've only just started to work on with a counsellor who I have a couple of sessions left with and I think I'll contact my old social worker and ask if I can come in for a couple of sessions to talk about because he was always very insightful. Maybe you could find someone similar? Preferably somebody with some lived experience would be most valuable as they would actually understand where you're coming from.

If you need someone to talk to feel free to reach out. I spend more time on the discord than on here so you're welcome to sign up there and connect with our community on that platform too.
 
Relapse is part of recovery. This is something that NA doesn’t really believe anymore. Whereas the evidence-based literature on recovery says that it is unproductive to feel great shame about relapse or even worse to make another person feel ashamed or shunned due to the natural process of addiction and recovery.

The more evidence-based recovery program that I am referring to is called SMART Recovery which is a CBT and DBT based recovery program. These groups are being held all over the world as an alternative to NA/AA groups.

By accepting that relapse is a part of recovery and not apart from it, the sooner will you renew your resolve to try again and give it a stronger try. The evidence suggests that addicts recover over time after more than one attempt at recovery.

Peace.
 
PsychedelicSummer said:
Yes. Plenty of both old and new reports of using psychedelics to treat addictions. Here is one: https://www.nytimes.com/2022/03/31/well/mind/psilocybin-mushrooms-addiction-therapy.html
Click to expand...

I agree. I used to be quite fucked up when I was around 18 years old, speed, weed, benzos and alcohol, which was about to ruin my young life. I then took an accidental and massive overdose of psilocybin because I got hawaian mushrooms and took 2.5grams, which was my usual dose of far weaker mexican mushrooms. It blew me away, I cried for hours and stopped drugs for several years although that wasn't even my plan before the trip. The trip made it crystal clear to me that I was on a serious downward slope and that change was required.
 
Try Lifering. It's abstinence-based like NA, but non 12 step and move open-minded. None of that group-think, one size fits all nonsense.
 
Someone isn't a failure because they fall down - they are a failure if they don't do their best to stand up again,

Don't give up and maybe say to yourself 'well, I will consider a redose in another 4 years'. Yeah, sobriety is a great goal but alcohol, nicotine, cannabis and caffeine are ALL psychoactive drugs. The only difference is their legal standing.

But FFS do remember that you have a lot more to lose than most. A mate of mine spent 7 years getting pHd in medicinal chemistry and then got caught making amphetamines (he got 5 years) so that qualification is rendered useless.
 
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