polarthedog
Bluelighter
- Joined
- May 30, 2021
- Messages
- 2,038
WHat does LTC stand for
-
MDMA &
Empathogenic
Drugs
Welcome Guest! -
MDMA Moderators:
MDMA Recovery (Stories & Support - 7) [ALL LTC posts go here]
- Thread starter Tranced
- Start date
Cerberus3845
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Dec 16, 2017
- Messages
- 1
Alright, I have to say something. And most of you still in deep will dismiss me, and I get it, but this is not "for you" - writing this is part of getting my own shit together.
Reading these threads has been like self harm for me.
Back in spring '16 I took an ungodly amount of molly while very drunk. I started panicking a couple days afterwards. I left a lecture to lie on the floor of the bathroom because of a panic attack, and one morning I felt like passing out on the way to campus. I got anxious. Excessively anxious. My body felt weak and sick, my heart was hammering, my vision blurred. Something was wrong, this was not how I should feel. I googled. I read a lot of things that upset me - some of it flat out bullshit, some of it scewed or presented in a way that deeply disturbed me.
And then I found Bluelight. I only posted once way back when, but I did read obsessively. And I think here is where all the most toxic, traumatic and anxiety-inducing ideas got printed into my mind. The vague threat of all destroying braindamage. My life potentially down the drain. Everybody posting their "symptoms", I made lists to compare, noticing things that hadn't bothered me before. All of these were apparantly something to worry about. And I worried. I more than worried, I was hit by heavy anxiety from I opened my eyes 'till I went to bed. I was so worried I was broken. I thought that I broke myself. That I gave myself some vague braindamage. And I would never feel happiness again.
The last notion was not something I found on Bluelight, but my anxious thoughts went something like this: molly fucks with serotonin, and that is the happy chemical, so what if I can't ever feel happy again? Very reductionistic.
But this forum didn't save me. This forum dragged me deeper. Or rather, I selfharmed using these threads, which dragged me deeper. My anxiety would start at an uncomfortable baselevel, and then rise with every intrisuve thought of my "damage". The only way to calm down was to "do something about it" - figure out what's wrong. So I went to this forum and read to find out. I didn't get an answer. Only more horrible theories to fill my anxiety riddled brain, and further deepening of the ideas already there. It was a steady regimen of self brainwashing. But for a brief moment, I didn't feel as anxious, so it became my primary coping-mechanism.
At the earlist stage of this, the month after my OD, I was traumatized. Trauma happens when two parametres are maxed out; perception of danger and feeling of helplessnes. I percieved myself to be in great danger and I felt as if I could do nothing. Time passed and I still felt as though I was in danger, and I still felt powerless. Anxiety and trauma had taken over whatever nasty, month-long hangover I had bought myself. That stage persisted. And the feelings itself became "proof" of my damage.
I wasn't traumatized by Bluelight, but I re-traumatized myself here. Again and again and again. And even though it's all long gone now, the idea of possible damage of some vague kind is printed onto my psyche by the trauma. This reminds me of the mechanism on Incel-forums, where they get "black-pilled" and keep coming back even though what they read drag them further down the pit of despair. On her video on incels, the youtuber Contrapoints call it "masochistic epistomology" - whatever hurts must be true.
I'm on medication now. I'm in therapy. I know a lot of people don't have anywhere else to go. I know a lot of posts are thoughtful and calming. I know some people say that these threads saved them. That's why I'm not advicing anyone to do anything. I just have to get this off my chest.
This place was bad for me.
Reading these threads has been like self harm for me.
Back in spring '16 I took an ungodly amount of molly while very drunk. I started panicking a couple days afterwards. I left a lecture to lie on the floor of the bathroom because of a panic attack, and one morning I felt like passing out on the way to campus. I got anxious. Excessively anxious. My body felt weak and sick, my heart was hammering, my vision blurred. Something was wrong, this was not how I should feel. I googled. I read a lot of things that upset me - some of it flat out bullshit, some of it scewed or presented in a way that deeply disturbed me.
And then I found Bluelight. I only posted once way back when, but I did read obsessively. And I think here is where all the most toxic, traumatic and anxiety-inducing ideas got printed into my mind. The vague threat of all destroying braindamage. My life potentially down the drain. Everybody posting their "symptoms", I made lists to compare, noticing things that hadn't bothered me before. All of these were apparantly something to worry about. And I worried. I more than worried, I was hit by heavy anxiety from I opened my eyes 'till I went to bed. I was so worried I was broken. I thought that I broke myself. That I gave myself some vague braindamage. And I would never feel happiness again.
The last notion was not something I found on Bluelight, but my anxious thoughts went something like this: molly fucks with serotonin, and that is the happy chemical, so what if I can't ever feel happy again? Very reductionistic.
But this forum didn't save me. This forum dragged me deeper. Or rather, I selfharmed using these threads, which dragged me deeper. My anxiety would start at an uncomfortable baselevel, and then rise with every intrisuve thought of my "damage". The only way to calm down was to "do something about it" - figure out what's wrong. So I went to this forum and read to find out. I didn't get an answer. Only more horrible theories to fill my anxiety riddled brain, and further deepening of the ideas already there. It was a steady regimen of self brainwashing. But for a brief moment, I didn't feel as anxious, so it became my primary coping-mechanism.
At the earlist stage of this, the month after my OD, I was traumatized. Trauma happens when two parametres are maxed out; perception of danger and feeling of helplessnes. I percieved myself to be in great danger and I felt as if I could do nothing. Time passed and I still felt as though I was in danger, and I still felt powerless. Anxiety and trauma had taken over whatever nasty, month-long hangover I had bought myself. That stage persisted. And the feelings itself became "proof" of my damage.
I wasn't traumatized by Bluelight, but I re-traumatized myself here. Again and again and again. And even though it's all long gone now, the idea of possible damage of some vague kind is printed onto my psyche by the trauma. This reminds me of the mechanism on Incel-forums, where they get "black-pilled" and keep coming back even though what they read drag them further down the pit of despair. On her video on incels, the youtuber Contrapoints call it "masochistic epistomology" - whatever hurts must be true.
I'm on medication now. I'm in therapy. I know a lot of people don't have anywhere else to go. I know a lot of posts are thoughtful and calming. I know some people say that these threads saved them. That's why I'm not advicing anyone to do anything. I just have to get this off my chest.
This place was bad for me.
For those like me who had massive brain fog for 2+ years from just 1 dose on 100mg, I wish I had tried CBD oils at the beginning of my recovery. I feel it helped my last 5% in my recovery. I wish I had known about it's neuroprotective and anti inflammatory benefits when I needed it for the first 90% of my journey. So therefore I cannot comment accurately about it's benefits. However, I'm throwing this out so maybe some of you guys can try it and share your knowledge and experiences with CBD to pool of knowledge.
Apparently an advil is also an anti inflammatory. Anyway. Could work too, however, I haven't tried.
Apparently an advil is also an anti inflammatory. Anyway. Could work too, however, I haven't tried.
Last edited:
NewUser2021
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2021
- Messages
- 2
So here's my story. A year and a half ago I did a pill over the course of a night of what I think was mdma. I think, because I did not test the pill. At the end of the roll I black out and that's when the shit hits the fan.
I wake up and start hearing voices coming from outside my room saying they'll have to break down the door because it's locked. I panick thinking it's my roommates and open the door only for no one to be there. I then lay down on my bed and black out again. This time, I remember dreaming a woman having sex with someone. I wake up terrified I'll black out again but it doesn't happen. I eventually manage to fall asleep.
I wake up the next morning and everything's fine. A week passes by and I smoke a joint. That's when shit hits the fan a second time. I have the biggest panic attack of my life. Now I'm no stranger to panic attacks, but this was hands down the most terrifying panic attack I've ever had.
Then, I start having what I can only describe as being a psychedelic trip. Suddenly the walls start melting and my vision becomes blurry. Everytime I closed my eyes I started seeing terrible images of monsters. My skin starts to burn. I will not bore you all with further details, this post is already too long as it is. Suffice to say, it was terrifying.
A month passes and things do not get better. At this point I'm terrified I've triggered schizophrenia and I check myself into a psychiatric clinic. I'm given antipsychotics and the symptoms slowly subside completely over the next year. Even so, a year and a half later, I still have some breakthrough symptoms, which are actually my reason for making this post. I'm curious if anyone else has experienced this in their LTC.
Basically, every couple of days I'll start feeling weird. I start not knowing where to look with my eyes, basically they just feel weird. My vision becomes blurry and I start hearing my voice weird. I then get this feeling like I'm coming up on mdma. Like the trip never ended. This lasts for a couple of hours or until I fall asleep. I'm basically housebound because of this symptom and cannot do anything because I do not know when it will happen. I cannot interact socially when this happens, and it is definitely not just anxiety. It feels like a symptom of the LTC.
I've done mdma loads of time before this happened with no ill effects. I didn't even have comedowns, even after large doses like 200mg's. I have no ideea what caused it but suffice to say this year and a half has been the worst experience of my life. I count myself lucky that most of my symptoms went away after a year since I've been seeing people here say they've been sick for over 2-3 years.
I wake up and start hearing voices coming from outside my room saying they'll have to break down the door because it's locked. I panick thinking it's my roommates and open the door only for no one to be there. I then lay down on my bed and black out again. This time, I remember dreaming a woman having sex with someone. I wake up terrified I'll black out again but it doesn't happen. I eventually manage to fall asleep.
I wake up the next morning and everything's fine. A week passes by and I smoke a joint. That's when shit hits the fan a second time. I have the biggest panic attack of my life. Now I'm no stranger to panic attacks, but this was hands down the most terrifying panic attack I've ever had.
Then, I start having what I can only describe as being a psychedelic trip. Suddenly the walls start melting and my vision becomes blurry. Everytime I closed my eyes I started seeing terrible images of monsters. My skin starts to burn. I will not bore you all with further details, this post is already too long as it is. Suffice to say, it was terrifying.
A month passes and things do not get better. At this point I'm terrified I've triggered schizophrenia and I check myself into a psychiatric clinic. I'm given antipsychotics and the symptoms slowly subside completely over the next year. Even so, a year and a half later, I still have some breakthrough symptoms, which are actually my reason for making this post. I'm curious if anyone else has experienced this in their LTC.
Basically, every couple of days I'll start feeling weird. I start not knowing where to look with my eyes, basically they just feel weird. My vision becomes blurry and I start hearing my voice weird. I then get this feeling like I'm coming up on mdma. Like the trip never ended. This lasts for a couple of hours or until I fall asleep. I'm basically housebound because of this symptom and cannot do anything because I do not know when it will happen. I cannot interact socially when this happens, and it is definitely not just anxiety. It feels like a symptom of the LTC.
I've done mdma loads of time before this happened with no ill effects. I didn't even have comedowns, even after large doses like 200mg's. I have no ideea what caused it but suffice to say this year and a half has been the worst experience of my life. I count myself lucky that most of my symptoms went away after a year since I've been seeing people here say they've been sick for over 2-3 years.
Needhelp123
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jul 25, 2018
- Messages
- 136
Thanks for sharing! Would you mind letting us know what type and dose of Cbd?
Im a microdoser. Probably 1-6mg/day. Also...I have no idea what type. I just picked some up at a dispensary so no clue as to the type.
It’s very hard to confirm irreversibility when studies struggle to even identify the source of the damage itself. Our understanding of the brain just isn’t evolved enough.
Most studies show at most small deficits to specific types of memory even in heavy users. Most are unaware that anything is wrong; it’s not significant enough for them to ever see it.
Anecdotally, it seems pretty clear that in very rare circumstances, much more significant damage is done that goes way beyond subclinical memory impairments. I haven’t seen any studies into this, and unfortunately nothing to suggest that this type of damage would heal.
You’ve read all the posts here - most people just stop posting after a while and who knows if they get better. A good number eventually post that they’ve recovered. A few keep posting for years that they are suffering.
Those who get better almost unanimously exercise, eat well and focus on the aspects of their health that they can control. Beyond that, healing seems as random as the initial damage.
Most studies show at most small deficits to specific types of memory even in heavy users. Most are unaware that anything is wrong; it’s not significant enough for them to ever see it.
Anecdotally, it seems pretty clear that in very rare circumstances, much more significant damage is done that goes way beyond subclinical memory impairments. I haven’t seen any studies into this, and unfortunately nothing to suggest that this type of damage would heal.
You’ve read all the posts here - most people just stop posting after a while and who knows if they get better. A good number eventually post that they’ve recovered. A few keep posting for years that they are suffering.
Those who get better almost unanimously exercise, eat well and focus on the aspects of their health that they can control. Beyond that, healing seems as random as the initial damage.
discreet_label
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Apr 6, 2015
- Messages
- 30
i remember posting on here back in 2016..my husband had purchased a couple hits of ecstasy from a coworker, and i tried one of them, and that was it for me..i thought i found THE answer to all of lifes problems, and i did for a while..i lost a bunch of weight, i started going to the club, all the time..and i started taking ecstasy as much as humanly possible..it never lost any magic for me, somehow..but i started to change...i was more impulsive, i started running off all the time, skipping work i had a whole crew of sketchy friends...i started mixing ecstasy with acid, which was honestly amazing, i have no regrets there, but i started doing stuff like selling it, handing it out to strangers (so stupid) and i think i really felt i had a problem when i got pulled over because of my new car having a paper tag...that wasnt the issue, the issue was the purseful of ecstasy, bagged up and ready to go. thankfully, they didnt search me, but that scared me enough that i never carried extra on me after that. i didnt stop though, with my self destructive behavior..i kept using it, kept taking more and more...but even worse? i started taking percs to come down at night, so i could sleep..i liked the sort of deep sleepy feeling you could get after you came down and the oxycodone kicked in, and i didnt understand what addiction was, i thought it was a craving..nope. so for reasons that i wont bore you with, we had to move to a new state, and with that, my supply was cut off, and i wanted to stop anyway, i had developed restless leg syndrome, i couldnt hold a thought in my head, either. but i was also addicted to these pills. im still addicted to them..i get them for my "back" now, but its awful. i tried to stop taking them a few months ago, i was so sick..horrible. i lost all of my friends when i stopped going out, too. and i gained back the weight i had lost because the percs make me lazy and sleepy. was it worth it? in a way. not really though. i still have a hard time staying on track when talking to people, and the desire is still there. i love ecstasy so much, it really did help at first, and it changed my life, but it BECAME my life after a while, and now i have this other issue going on.
longlongtermcd
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Oct 7, 2021
- Messages
- 7
when you say annecdotally do you mean, you've met people who's brains r fucked, or like people on here
afaik i can't really 'be healthy' bc i have a chronic auto immune disease - so i feel my health state is always p comprimised and maybe that is why recovery never 'started' at all
afaik i can't really 'be healthy' bc i have a chronic auto immune disease - so i feel my health state is always p comprimised and maybe that is why recovery never 'started' at all
Deep_Fried
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Dec 17, 2020
- Messages
- 34
Ohh it definitely is witchcraft and should be illegal 
Merry Christmas you crazy basterds and a speedy recovery to everyone
Merry Christmas you crazy basterds and a speedy recovery to everyone
Deep_Fried
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Dec 17, 2020
- Messages
- 34
I´d say that I can enjoy life somewhat again, which is a big deal.
The good days become more frequent and the moments of clarity even clearer.
If I had to guess, I´d say one more year and I´m out of this hellhole.
The one issue left, that bothers me is that double vision/depersonalisation , which makes it hard to read.
Take care
OK... Posting this as it may help others.
I am completely convinced it is not anxiety/panic and the result of a structural change due to gurning.
I had my extensive radiology and consultant reports independently reviewed, and from my first MRI of the brain, the independent radiologist picked up that my lateral Pterygoid (on the side of my head that gives me pain) is highly ayssmeyric with lots of local swelling, and it is pressing on a nerve or a vessel by a small opening called the foramen ovale.
Went back to the doc with the report, and now thinks my jaw is slightly subluxated. He asked to move my jaw forward and backwards and said it also looks ayssmetric. Further, palpating the jaw joint from ear canal was also found to be a normal.
Something to check yourselves! If you have had prior CT/MRI looking for vascular issues, please get a review of jaw position and jaw muscles.
I'm trying some specialist physio, but if it doesn't work, will be getting a CT as it might need to get it reduced by a max-fax. Ct scan large radiation dose, so Conservative first.
If you feel the need to post about anxiety/panic, please don't - you are not helping.
I am completely convinced it is not anxiety/panic and the result of a structural change due to gurning.
I had my extensive radiology and consultant reports independently reviewed, and from my first MRI of the brain, the independent radiologist picked up that my lateral Pterygoid (on the side of my head that gives me pain) is highly ayssmeyric with lots of local swelling, and it is pressing on a nerve or a vessel by a small opening called the foramen ovale.
Went back to the doc with the report, and now thinks my jaw is slightly subluxated. He asked to move my jaw forward and backwards and said it also looks ayssmetric. Further, palpating the jaw joint from ear canal was also found to be a normal.
Something to check yourselves! If you have had prior CT/MRI looking for vascular issues, please get a review of jaw position and jaw muscles.
I'm trying some specialist physio, but if it doesn't work, will be getting a CT as it might need to get it reduced by a max-fax. Ct scan large radiation dose, so Conservative first.
If you feel the need to post about anxiety/panic, please don't - you are not helping.
level5anxiety
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Jan 5, 2022
- Messages
- 7
Hello everyone, I'm on my 3rd month, my god it was awful. I experience all that was mentioned here; increase heartbeat, panic attacks, DP/DR, muscle twitches, internal vibrations, feeling like this is forever.
I could say I am much better now EXCEPT! my head pressure is almost every day. I feel like I'm having a relapse cause of this head issue.
Also, I have no mental diagnosis prior to taking one 3 months ago. I'm perfectly health with maybe, just mild anxiety.
Anyone had tried something to help with their head pressure?
and I hope everyone that's going through this right now will recover soon. I'm positive this is not forever.
I could say I am much better now EXCEPT! my head pressure is almost every day. I feel like I'm having a relapse cause of this head issue.
Also, I have no mental diagnosis prior to taking one 3 months ago. I'm perfectly health with maybe, just mild anxiety.
Anyone had tried something to help with their head pressure?
and I hope everyone that's going through this right now will recover soon. I'm positive this is not forever.
My guess is that the head pressure is due to brain inflammation. CBD oils have anti-inflammatory properties, which also works for brain inflammation. It helped me during the last 5% of my recovery. I wish I knew more about it to use it during the initial phase. You could give it a try. However, I don't recommend starting out with a heroic dose because it may exasperate current problems. Try microdosing 1 to 3 mg.
Also, please share your results to the pool of knowledge. Getting help with sensitive information such as drug use is already hard enough with all the stigma. Any information on your results you contribute will definitely help all of us.
level5anxiety
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Jan 5, 2022
- Messages
- 7
Thank you for the advise.
The kind of head pressure I'm getting is like someone squeezing in part of my head, and sometimes, it moves around. it's not painful but it's enough to be a bothersome. it's like you're drunk. I was told by therapist it must be TENSIONHEADACHE and could be due to my anxiety that my head muscles became tense and stiff.. and It's not brain damaged. I tried neck exercises almost everyday it only relieved like few seconds, then it'll come back again. I tried muscle relaxants (advil, tylenol, flexeril, baclofen, neurontin) but nothing is helping so far. it's like everyday. The only time I don't feel it is when I lay down. I'm so feeling helpless with this symptom. I'm on my 3rd month of this ltc.
OriginalGG
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Jan 12, 2022
- Messages
- 1
How long did you tried CBD oils and made you recover?
Also, what other things made you recover during this period?
And what was your doc recommendation to fix this? Any meds, surgery, diet, sports?