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MDMA Recovery (Stories & Support)

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Dunno

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I got in trouble in 2009. Probation started in December of 2009, late 2010 is when I started in with the cathinones (methylone and mephedrone) and excessive amounts of moon rock "molly" - that all came to an end in March 2011 when I moved in with a buddy of mine and he made me flush everything.

Fast forward to now and I'm rapidly tapering off of my Valium (which I've been on since 2010, Klonopin before that, Xanax before that with it all starting in 2004), I have stopped drinking and smoking, my depression has lifted, my sleeping is going back to normal, and things are finally looking up in my life.

Basically I went on a rampage with primarily MDA pills with the occasional MDA/MDMA/MDE combo from 2004 to 2007, MDMA a few times in 2008 and 2009, then dove into massive amounts of cathinones and moon rock Molly from 2010 to 2011.

The things that I had in my toolbox when it went down with my old roommate making me flush it (this was ALL collected 2010 and on) - AMT, DPT, 5-MeO-DALT, 5-MeO-MiPT, MDPV, mephedrone, methylone, 2C-D, 2C-I, 2C-E, 2C-P, 2C-T-7, 4-AcO-DMT, 4-HO-MET, MXE, mushrooms, mescaline, 4-MeMABP, 25C-NBOMe, MDMA, MDA. I managed to save the mescaline and 2C-T-7 when he stepped out of the bathroom to take a phone call and did those a few more times but all of the things in that box, with the exception of MDPV (never touched that stuff), I was taking something at least 4 times a week. Mephedrone was at least 2 out of those 4 times, usually in combination with methylone. The only exception to the rule was when I planned to do MDMA, I stuck to MDMA and mephedrone.

So as I said - if I can recover from my abuse, anyone can. My abuse was severe polydrug and I'm recovering so that should give a lot more than a glimmer of hope to those who abused solely MDXX drugs as my spectrum was all over the board.

I hope that clarifies my post some more.

Ok. Yes, clarified, say no more.
 

Nambo

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Do your emotions return?

Dear BL

Its now been 4 months since my neurotoxic reaction to 'MDMA' and I have been experiencing all the horrific symptoms described by so many of you on this forum. Ie wonky vision, DR, anxiety, brain fog, sexual dysfunction, poor short term memory, disconnection to my surroundings and people etc. But my main concern is my lack of emotion or enjoyment which I have been feeling / experiencing. There is absolutely nothing which gives me pleasure and accordingly each day is mundane and torturous. The small simple joys which make life worth living are no longer there. The ability to look forward to something has gone. I am emotionally dead and this kills me as I used to be such a love life kind of guy. So the big question is if this is something which some of you have experienced and also have you recovered from it? It just seems so permanent which makes this new reality so frightening. I looking forward to hearing you experiences please?

Many thanks
 

angeleyes

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Hi there Nambo,

Bottom line is that I can assure you that your emotions will return, how much did you consume a few months ago to create this effect?

I know it doesn't feel like it but I guarantee you there's gonna be ten more people like me saying that your gonna be fine, just give it more time, live healthy and most of all-- relax. :)
 

MagickalKat777

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I know it doesn't feel like it but I guarantee you there's gonna be ten more people like me saying that your gonna be fine, just give it more time, live healthy and most of all-- relax. :)

Yup. I'm one of them.

Nambo, the worst thing you can do for your recovery is fret about whether or not you're going to heal. When you give your brain fuel to chew on, it ends up chewing on it and then you start manifesting new or worse symptoms. The mind is a powerful thing my friend!
 

Nambo

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I so pray this to be the case.

As to your question of how much I consumed the answer is I dont know. I was on my bachelor party and was very drunk when I was give one pill (stupid I now know). I have no memory for the next 8 hours but believe my 'friends' may have given me up to 3 more pills. Bear in mind this is the first time I have ever done any drugs (I'm 38 year old!) and we were in Ibiza where the MDMA was probably some shit. For the next 2 week after this night my brain was screaming (felt scrambled), I was experiencing a roller coaster of emotions where I was massively suicidal and also had a very frightening long period of DP nevermind the insomnia and ringing in my head which I still have. I have seen 2 psychiatristc who specialise in drug abuse and they both say I have done some damage. The question is really how reversible it is....
 

Nambo

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Yup. I'm one of them.

Nambo, the worst thing you can do for your recovery is fret about whether or not you're going to heal. When you give your brain fuel to chew on, it ends up chewing on it and then you start manifesting new or worse symptoms. The mind is a powerful thing my friend!

To be honest I am quite calm but that is because I am so emotionless. How long did it take you for your emotions to return and did you fuck yourself up as badly as I did?
 

MagickalKat777

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To be honest I am quite calm but that is because I am so emotionless. How long did it take you for your emotions to return and did you fuck yourself up as badly as I did?

Much worse to be honest.

I went on regular benders with not just MDMA but mephedrone and methylone as well. I had the brain zaps so badly that I couldn't function for a good week. I'm a prime example of how NOT to use MDMA and empathogenic drugs.

As for my recovery, I stunted my recovery big time by continuing to binge drink and smoke cigarettes so now I'm 100 days sober and I'm even tapering off my benzos, something I've been trying rather unsuccessfully to do for years.
 

Nambo

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As for my recovery, I stunted my recovery big time by continuing to binge drink and smoke cigarettes so now I'm 100 days sober and I'm even tapering off my benzos, something I've been trying rather unsuccessfully to do for years.[/QUOTE]

And you emotions / love for life has returned? I just feel like the light in my soul has gone out. I used to love people but now cant be bothered to see anybody as feel its too exhausing to try make conversation which used to be so natural for me but now seem like an effort.
 

MagickalKat777

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I mean, its not 100% but at the same time, I've been a polydrug user/heavy abuser since I was 17 and I'm 29 now. I never went for any real period of time between 17 and 29 being totally "sober" - I was always drinking, for one, and even when I quit drinking for a month or two here and there, I was still on high doses of benzos which was pretty much compensating.

Things are getting better every week that passes now that I finally kicked the alcohol. It seems that was the key to starting to heal, as much as I never wanted to admit it.
 

Nambo

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Hi there Nambo,

Bottom line is that I can assure you that your emotions will return, how much did you consume a few months ago to create this effect?

I know it doesn't feel like it but I guarantee you there's gonna be ten more people like me saying that your gonna be fine, just give it more time, live healthy and most of all-- relax. :)

Anybodyelse who has got their emotions back or are they scorched for good?
 

Exstazy

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You're gonna be fine dude ^^ I once rolled 2 days in a row on quite a big dose..
I couldnt get "it" up for a few days and felt like SHIT... but I knew it was just the drug that had messed me up.
Your body fixes itself.. dont worry :p just eat/sleep/excerisize a little bit and stay clean from drugs. Cannabis is OK to eat/sleep or dampen anxiety if it works for you.

I've only rolled once on MDA 6 months after that time... its almost a year ago now that I rolled 2 days straight. And I'm quite fine.
But beware when using MDMA cuz alot of product is cut with crap.. and that is usually more fucked up than the clean stuff.
I never had a bad comedown until I used a new source for my mdma... big big mistake :p
 

Zalo

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It's pretty much depression. I suffer from depression from time to time and I've experienced 2 kinds. The suicidal, sad, hopeless feeling, and the emotional blunting. I know my situation isn't induced by neurotoxicity/abuse, but I'm certain that your brain will recover. No feeling, or no-feeling, lasts forever and there will come a day when you feel normal again. I understand that not feeling anything makes life excruciatingly dull and boring, but it is much better than feeling a complete sense of doom. It's like living life robotically, auto-pilot as I'd like to put it, but at least you can still function. I hope you're exercising and eating healthy. Socialize as well even though you may not want to.
 

angeleyes

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I got my emotions back btw.

Honestly if you don't stress and don't "expect" everything to come back 100% in a certain amount of time then day by day things just start getting better and tolerable.

Thinking things like "I *WILL* BE BACK TO NORMAL IN TWO WEEKS" just slows things down and makes you think about it heaps.

You must surely admit you feel better today compared to the day after your crazy night? :)
 

shishibeach

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What did the psychs who diagnosed you as "damaged " say?

Did they give you any reassurance? Did they mention rates of recovery? Did they describe others who have done fine, or those who are fucked completely?

What course of action did they describe to you for healing?

Or did they simply say you are "damaged" and left it at that?

It seems irresponsible to leave you without information or hope for a better day.
 

Justsomeone

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Yes..me. Right now i have improved greatly. Woke up 22 weeks ago second day after taking half (half!) a pill with these symptoms:

*massive headache
*extreme tingling sensations throughout my head
*short term memory destroyed. completely gone
*felt like my iq was cut in half
*still felt extremely high, like a bodily high, but a bad one
*lights way to intense(couldnt watch tv for 2 weeks)
*no emotions(other than sheer panic ofcourse)
*And the worst of them all..depersonalisation. (felt like i was not living in the here and now, but lagging a second behind..like being a spectactor of yourself...very nasty

A panicattack was NOT what setup these things. There was nothing during or after the trip that could have been an indocation of things to come. I went to bed feeling fine and woke up the next day in a complete dissociated state. It was very nasty. And let me tell you i did not use any 'hard' drugs in 10 years when i took that half a pill almost six months ago. So i haven't abused anything. This experience just came from nowhere.

Right now i can say i'm doing really good. All my remaining symptoms are at an alltime low. Most of the symptoms have vanished:

Brainfog -> gone
short term memory -> as good as ever
depersonalization -> long gone
feeling claustrofobic in your own body/tunnel vision -> gone
light sensitivity ->gone
Feeling like everything looks different/like there's a lamp above you wich is lighting your perception ->gone
tension headaches/tingling -> gone 90% of the time

Only symptoms left are: very mild derealization mostly at morning, but fading away by the day
mild visual disturbance, compared to what is has been it has improved immensly and getting better by the day

I feel right now that i am weeks away from total recovery, not months. Have gone the natural route. No supplements(quit them after a month, didnt feel like it was doing anything) no medication, no doctors, psychologists etc. I do feel it has a lot to do with stress. Stress that has been building up in your body because of work, other things. I firmly believe that have i not taken that pill and have this experience, I would have suffered a burnout/mental breakdown a couple years down the road because of the way i was handling/ not canalising the stress from work etc but keeping it with me. The pill somehow just made the whole thing explode in my face.

I am gratefull for having this experience, right now i feel like i am on top of the world and that there is nothing in this world that can take me down without me getting back up and brushing off the dust. Even when i woke up in that horrible state of being almost six months ago and every fiber of my being was screaming at me to report in sick from work, i didnt. I went to work anyway and havent missed a day since. I am very proud of that and i believe that also helped with getting rid of the depersonalization rather quickly. (ten days). It was not easy doing your work and pretending to your colleagues that everything is cool, but i managed and come out on top.

Like i said..still not completely recovered, but everything on an alltime low and expecting complete recovery in weeks..not months..

The 2 most important things when you are in this situation are:

1 acceptance.. your symptoms wont go away overnight, accept that your in this predicament and ride it out. Keep busy, keep going to work/school/sports ect. Once your back in the normal flow of things, your symptoms will start to improve very slowly, but steadily (very slowly! lol)

2 distraction Find yourself something to focus on instead of your symtpoms. 4 months in i bought myself an acoustic guitar and some online courses. Have been practising every day since and improving my skill by the day. That way you will also find out that there's not much wrong with your brain/memory. I can remember all the chords easily and its very rewarding to see yourself improve daily.

Ok gotta go to work. An easy ride compared to going there in the first weeks of this experience.

Good luck to all of youy and i am confident you will all be fine. just stay cool and calm and keep busy..


Final update!

Ok, people. When this whole longterm business started out about six months ago, I made an account on this website to share with you what i was experiencing and hopefully hear some comforting words from people who have been in my shoes. before that, i searched the whole internet about this stuff and found loads of stories from people having (almost) the same thing happen to them. What i almost never found was a good end to those stories. I can almost count the succes stories on one hand while the frightening stories of people getting messed up for a very long time by mdma/xtc are not hard to find on the internet. (by the way, it was a very good quality xtc pill i had, the real dutch deal, my friends who took exactly the same and much more than me were very very positive about the quality and they are veteran xtc/mdma users)


So i wrote about my experience and told you that i would update if things would improve. I had absolutely no guarantee that i would ever feel like my old self again. Especially when there were so little success stories and in general nobody even knows for sure what the hell actually is causing all of it. But, i am very happy to announce right now that after six months of going from hell to slowly back to normal, i can say that i am my old self again. If I were to describe the whole six month experience in a nutshell I would say it felt like something smashed my psyche into pieces and I had to pick up all the pieces and glue it back together. It was very hard and without competition the hardest test i have ever had in my 30 years on this planet. But I have made it out of the tunnel. I just wanted my story out for all people who are experiencing this right now and also for people who will experience this in the future to have one more succes story they can cling onto for comfort. My success story.

Best of luck to all of you. You will all be fine!
 

MagickalKat777

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Sometimes I wonder if we don't do this to ourselves... Like we subconsciously know that we need to change and MDMA ends up forcing it out of us.

I completely agree with having to rebuild yourself and it seems like a common theme with these longterm comedowns... But what if that's actually a therapeutic benefit? Makes me go hmmm. I guess I'll know when I'm done recovering from mine :)

Congratulations on your recovery, always great to see a positive outcome! :)
 

pmz

Bluelighter
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Final update!

Ok, people. When this whole longterm business started out about six months ago, I made an account on this website to share with you what i was experiencing and hopefully hear some comforting words from people who have been in my shoes. before that, i searched the whole internet about this stuff and found loads of stories from people having (almost) the same thing happen to them. What i almost never found was a good end to those stories. I can almost count the succes stories on one hand while the frightening stories of people getting messed up for a very long time by mdma/xtc are not hard to find on the internet. (by the way, it was a very good quality xtc pill i had, the real dutch deal, my friends who took exactly the same and much more than me were very very positive about the quality and they are veteran xtc/mdma users)


So i wrote about my experience and told you that i would update if things would improve. I had absolutely no guarantee that i would ever feel like my old self again. Especially when there were so little success stories and in general nobody even knows for sure what the hell actually is causing all of it. But, i am very happy to announce right now that after six months of going from hell to slowly back to normal, i can say that i am my old self again. If I were to describe the whole six month experience in a nutshell I would say it felt like something smashed my psyche into pieces and I had to pick up all the pieces and glue it back together. It was very hard and without competition the hardest test i have ever had in my 30 years on this planet. But I have made it out of the tunnel. I just wanted my story out for all people who are experiencing this right now and also for people who will experience this in the future to have one more succes story they can cling onto for comfort. My success story.

Best of luck to all of you. You will all be fine!
That's awesome dude. Glade to hear. Just curious. During your comedown was music hard to enjoy? Did you got get that excitedness over sounds like typical. I'm getting significantly better. But the music thing is most frustrating. Almost like I can't "connect" with it the same way. Doesn't give me that ecstasy when listening to it. I mean I'm not surprised. I'm the same way in other aspects. Just curious if you can relate.
 

pmz

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What was everyones responses like to music during your recovery. I've been finding it that music doesn't surge through like it used to. If you know what I mean. I guess its hard when your still feeling disassociated. I'm at a point where I can enjoy music again. But it doesn't give me that "wow holy crap that song is good" feeling like I remember.

My emotions are def coming back a lot. I'm really happy again. But I just can't get as excited as I used to.

My head still doesn't feel like it functions as fast.

But its gotten a hell of a lot better since 9 months ago. I Dont feel hopeless. More frustrated I feel held back. I'm ar a great place compared to even 2 months ago

To really sum up the music thing. Like a bass build up would get me so excited before that drop. Now it sort of has no effect on me
 
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MagickalKat777

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I actually find myself unable to handle the rush from music anymore. It causes me to go into panic mode rather quickly. Sucks, really. :(

I'm starting to come around though. I listened to the new Shpongle album yesterday and enjoyed it thoroughly.
 
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