Support Mental Illness Support Thread V. How do you feel?

[mtu mwendawazimu]

Hi all,

This thread should be a safe haven for those with MI, where we can chat with each other and talk about how we are feeling for the day.

I have Bipolar Disorder, and today i feel pretty stable. I've been sober for a week now because i have a probation piss test coming up, but will soon do some meth. The thing is, i stay up all night when on it, so it could quite possibly make me hypomanic.

But what's wrong with a little hypomania when your on Lithium, Lamictal and Vraylar? Can't be that bad of a crash. I mean, i've done meth before on these meds and i was fine.. I obviously don't recommend it but self medication is such a big part of my life, unfortunately.

Anyway, hopefully i can get to know some of you and we can talk about problems, successes, and just anything that's on your mind.

:D

 

[mtu mwendawazimu]

Okay, so i've heard early use of weed can progress mental illness, and yes i'm guilty of self medicating with it. I feel like it calms down my mania and gives me perspective when depressed.

OT: Today i feel fine. Went on a meth binge recently and stayed up for 3 days so hopefully i don't get manic but like i said, i feel fine now after sleep.

 

[Barry big tits]

Hey madness00.

A good idea for a thread. i like it

Im feelin not bad today. Trying to change my sleep pattern coz it was all fucked up. Like nocturnal living.

So i was up around 6:00am this morning took my diazapam, venlafaxine, clorphenamine, propranalol, pregabalin.

Walked down to the store at 7:00am to buy some smokes. My GAD and panic disorder still seems to be under decent control. I felt a bit of anxiety and panic/paranoia creeping through today though so i took another diazepam and another lyrica when i got back.

Now im just chillin. Plans for the day fell through so ima just chill and Smoke my way through a carton of B&H Blue, Make some pizza and watch some shit on amazon video.

Fukin lame plans for a saturday but fuk it.

How bout you? How you feelin today madness00?

 

[mtu mwendawazimu]

My man Barry big tits, home made pizza is what's up.

My plans include screwing around on my computer, drinking coffee and smoking double diamonds because i spent a third of my disability check on a ball of meth. The other third i get at the beginning of the month (as opposed to the middle), and the other third goes to a rep payee.

Anyway, feeling actually a bit low this morning. Woke up very tired. Could possible be from the binge i went on earlier this week.

Thanks for asking

 

[user name1]

hi guys,
this thread is a great idea. thanks!

lately i'm not stable at all.
some days i'm hostile and cranky and the other days just plain depressed and desperate.
i'm on subutex and other AD, stabilizers and tranquilizers for a long ass time and developed what looks like a serious "addiction" to crack. i have been diagnosed and re-diagnosed all my life ranging from unspecified personality disorder to severe depression to bipolar and one doctor even diagnosed me as suffering from schizoaffective disorder (mini schizophrenia) so from i know about my self i think i'm probably bipolar but my highs are not this happy energized and having creative fun it's more like i'm full of anger and rage, snappy. if i'm being honest i feel like a total maniac.

today i'm tired after not sleeping enough for some days - hitting the pipe a little too much. missed a few days at work which is not regular for me and spending all my disability, salary and rent aid money on rock which is. fuck it man.

thanks for the opportunity to vent a bit.

be safe guys and best regards,
jona

 

[mtu mwendawazimu]

Hey Jona,

Thanks for opening up and joining the thread

As your username suggests, maybe we don't need a label, or a solid sense of identity. Maybe who we are is more fluid, which is something i can relate to. And on top of that, maybe it simply suggests that we are just one more person in the world, equally as important as anyone else.

Imagine all the vacations you could go on if you saved up some money do you like to travel?

Do you have a significant other? I wish i did. It would motivate me to get clean, also.

Anyway, i'm in a similar situation as you, spending all my check on drugs. It's a tough habit to break, but baby steps are what work best. And good reasons/motivation to stop, like vacations and SO's. What would be your reasons to quit?

All the best my friend.

 

[user name1]

Hey Jona,

Thanks for opening up and joining the thread

As your username suggests, maybe we don't need a label, or a solid sense of identity. Maybe who we are is more fluid, which is something i can relate to. And on top of that, maybe it simply suggests that we are just one more person in the world, equally as important as anyone else.

Imagine all the vacations you could go on if you saved up some money do you like to travel?

Do you have a significant other? I wish i did. It would motivate me to get clean, also.

Anyway, i'm in a similar situation as you, spending all my check on drugs. It's a tough habit to break, but baby steps are what work best. And good reasons/motivation to stop, like vacations and SO's. What would be your reasons to quit?

All the best my friend.

Hi madness00, how are you mate?

first i'd like to apologise for this lengthy post, just feel i have to get this of my chest.

sadly i don't have a girl for almost two years now plus i've neglected all my friends and though they know i have issues they have their limits i guess.

there is a correlation between my drug use and the end of my last relationship which frankly was not healthy or good to begin with but i have the "beggars can't be choosers" mentality, probably because i lack confidence. she dumped me and i got involved with crack which up until then i didn't really liked that much, i was a opie kind of guy..

the situation at home is really hard - i live with my mom (she's 72 and i'm 37) at a bad neighborhood, the apartment is not ours so we have to pay outrageous rent. i love my mother but shes very hysterical and have over the top ocd. her behaviour got my brother and sisters to move away, running for their dear life - leaving me holding the bag. my coping mechanism with her craziness is using drugs. mom's unemployed is due to her being sick and old and i work half time after a decade of unemployment. had approx. a 5 years H habit that brought me to engage in all sorts of criminal activities (small time, nothing big though) and after a few run ins with the law decided to get a job and it took a while, to get clean which i failed miserably and after withdrawal induced mania that almost got me killed or maybe worse - rotting in prison i decided to get on subutex and try to find some stability.

i do like to travel but don't care much for hotels and restaurants, to be in the nature, let it heal my emotional wounds is what i want and in need of. also my old car need fixing but i cant mange to hold the money for that, i just smoke it up in no time.

i have no motivation whatsoever. i don't get out much except for work and for buying crack and it's like i'm stuck in a rut, in a vicious circle or whatever. don't have much hope but must admit that writing this stuff here on BL helps a lot.

you know madness00 i think you hit it right in the spot when you wrote - "that we are just one more person in the world, equally as important as anyone else." - see i cant get myself to feel this way. i always feel like i'm a waste of resources. i have a lot of respect for the homeless and prostitutes etc. and basically everyone but me. in my mind i don't deserve the chair i'm sitting on, the food in my belly and my running water hot and cold.

jeez i wrote all this shit and now feel the need to apologise again, that it's just a waste of your and others time. i genuinely feel that i'm not worth it. really. i don't want to be pitied but also not criticized, just heard i guess..

so i'll stop here..

all the best
jona

 

[mtu mwendawazimu]

My situation is pretty similar. I don't want to compare sob stories, but things can always get worse. Always can get better. The fact that you are even concerned and writing this all goes to show how motivated you could be to improve your life. You say you're unmotivated, but you come here, tell your story, and are coming to turns with the hurt. That's the first step.

In regards to being just one more person, maybe you don't deserve the chair you sit on. Maybe you don't deserve the food in your belly. Maybe no one does. Maybe we were made for a much simpler life full of human connection and less focused on what we can buy with our money. Sell your chair, and buy a month subscription to a dating website

Also, have you tried filling your chillum with weed? You might get a new perspective on your life. Reality, weirdly enough, might slap you in the face. At least that's what weed does to me.

Keep us updated. This can be a thread for you to vent. People will listen, maybe give unsolicited advice and be able to relate to what you're going through, which is a win-win.

Take care friend.

 

[user name1]

yea mate, i've smoked weed from age 15 to 30 every day all day and it was much better then regarding hard drugs.
i used to take x (well before mdma was available) here and there but that's it. when i smoked weed it automatically made me not want to use drugs and drink alcohol but now when i smoke it's like a slap to the face - i get a panic attack, feeling like an alien and saying to myself that i got a BIG FUCKING CRACK PROBLEM and what the fuck am i gonna do, stuff like that. when not smoking weed i minimize the crack smoking, money grabbing, lying, stealing, cheating and being a fucking asshole especially to myself, no matter how cheesy and dishonest it may sound..
every now and then i buy some weed and not smoke crack for like a week but then i get used to the weed and it doesn't stop me from scoring..

i have something that bothering me very much but it's so complicated and heavy i wouldn't know where to begin.. maybe i'll try soon.

thanks a bunch

jona

 

[mtu mwendawazimu]

You know yourself best. Always here to listen.

Today i feel wicked tired. Smoked weed last night and then brought blankets over to another part of the city for my homeless friend. He is my Tina connect and he dragged me around for 4 hours while he was trying to get himself situated with all his belongings. I finally left and he didn't even thank me for the god damn blankets. The nice things i do just to be seen as a loyal customer..

Just because i'm a binger because of my poor financial situation doesn't mean i'm not a god damn addict.

 

[Boku_]

I suffer from PTSD and repressed memories and for the last 8 years at least i have been remembering both good and bad events and
both good and bad things from my past i have done over the course of my 38 year life and in some cases i'm remembering events from 20 to 30 years ago.

I won't go into details but i've done some bad shit in my life but at the same time i've done some good things too and about a week ago i had one hell of a repressed memory came back to me that was both a positive and negative but one good thing about remembering this series of events was that i finally realised it's not all my fault.

I'm not saying my mental illness is cured however i do feel better about myself.

 

[mtu mwendawazimu]

"It's not your fault" is true in everyone's case.
And a very cathartic experience.

Thank you.

 

[herbavore]

Madness, thanks for starting this thread!

 

[mtu mwendawazimu]

No problem - helps me as much as others.

Happy to say i'm very stable at the moment, even with meth binges. Lamictal and Vraylar is really working for me.

In regards to Bipolar Disorder, i by and large forget that i even have it.

What really needs work is my "antisocial traits". My therapist says i'm very good at "spinning things" to justify bad behavior, only to repeat it over and over again. On top of that, i have an addictive personality, doing any drug i can get my hands on. And my relationships seem to be very one sided, with myself gauging their worth by what i can get from them. I can recognize these things, but i still feel like everyone operates the same way that i do. I feel as if anyone who doesn't see things the way i do is just, stupid, to be honest.

So, much to work on, but in a good head space.

 

[cj]

I've been really unstable lately. I'm diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. But lately I think it's more likely bipolar 2. Or some other cluster b personality disorder. I have intense mood swings every few days. I've been self harming at least 3 times a week. I cut my arm up really bad last night. I kinda feel ashamed of it today.

Im going to beg for a mood stabilizer this month at the phychiatrist.

 

[mtu mwendawazimu]

Yeah, it's hard to differentiate BPD from rapid cycling BP.

Being on a mood stabilizer is a good idea - they've helped me tremendously.

Is there any reason you're not on medication right now? Does your psych just not know the severity of your illness?

 

[cj]

I'm on Wellbutrin and Ativan. I probably wasn't totally honest at the first two appointments. At the time I was most focused on getting the benzo script. Then he suprised me by giving me 3 months worth so I lost the chance to see him. My symptoms have also worsened over those 3 months. Or I've just become more aware of them maybe. I'm just going to be honest and hope he doesn't pull the Ativan.

 

[mtu mwendawazimu]

Yeah, i could see how Ativan could help you in your situation. Wellbutrin though.. I've been on that before, and i feel like it would potentiate self harm, aggression and irritation. Although, wellbutrin is known as the antidepressant that doesn't easily trigger mania, so maybe that's why he recommended it. But yeah be honest for sure. Maybe even tell him you'd like to try a mood stabilizer, because you're swinging back and forth.

 

[Rupert D]

I have an anxiety disorder and more recently severe depression. I have stopped using everything except prescribed medication. I normally take kratom every day, but I'm not even taking that. The reason is I've become pretty suicidal at times--like close to the edge--and I know it's getting serious. Prior to this year I was coping, but a whirlwind romance and a workplace shake up colliding at once has just fucked me sideways.

I'm about to go live with my folks for a bit to see if that helps and then take it from there. I have also changed meds to sirtraline today and felt a little bit of weird relief before. Maybe that'll help.

 

[mtu mwendawazimu]

Being surrounded by a good support system, in my opinion, is always #1 in both recovering from addiction and mental illness. We have to admit to ourselves that 1). we need help, and 2). we are at least partially a product of our environment. If you haven't already, check out Healthy Living and Sober Living for additional support.

I hope everything goes well for you Rupert.

And welcome to Bluelight