Last night one of the scarier shades of my anxiety reared it's head.
I have a pinched nerve or something in my neck I think. The pain radiates down under my left shoulder blade, and it's almost unbearable sometimes. I can't lay down, or sit, or anything really. There's no escape. but sometimes I can feel some numbness around my upper left thigh, and it also goes up around my chest around the general vicinity of my heart.
A while ago, probably a couple of years now, I worked myself into a full on panic attack thinking my heart was about to explode. I went to the emergency room. They did a bunch of tests, and an ekg...told me everything was fine. Just my mind playing tricks on me. My anxiety.
last night I was not having a good night at all. My shoulder was killing me. I have a liquor store I can walk to but once I give in to that, my life gets real fucked up. So instead of that, I caved and took some oxycodone I had stashed. So I sit there begging for it to stop, but all of a sudden I start have these sharp chest pains. They weren't constant, just like one every couple of minutes. But with my anxiety, I immediately thought, something's really wrong, what am I gonna do?
i just kept feeling worse and worse. My heart beating faster and faster. I knew I was gonna die. I was sure of it. I grabbed a notebook and started scribbling things down I wanted to tell my brother, and my mom and dad. And my baby niece. I fucking KNEW I was gone man...
i finally just laid down on my mattress and cried. I started thinking about who would find me. My brother. He's gonna think I od'd or something. Fuck. Finally I passed out.
woke up this morning, to my surprise. Feeling better. My next thought? I need some fucking booze.