First Real Trip (Mushroom Warning):
Shrooms? Shit. My first trip was fine. All I remember feeling was seeing this odd circle at the center of my vision where anywhere I looked was indented, The ground, the walls, whatever was in the center of my vision had this indented circle, and otherwise things were relatively more funny than usual, and I hung out with my friends and really stayed quite far from the inside of my head. I started the trip already very stoned, so that's probably part of why I didn't feel anything too impactful. We did the lemon juice method, but I probably only had a total of 2 grams.
It was my second trip though, that's what did it. Fuck. I remember buying an eighth of weed, an eighth of shrooms, and a gram of dab for what I foresaw as a glorious night. I had a scale, and it ended up being more like 5 grams of shrooms. The naivity of my brain saw more drugs as equal to more fun, at essentially a 1:1 ratio. I ate em all and began grinding and rolling up my weed. I was halfway through rolling my third joint when I stopped and looked around. There was that circle again, but I remembered how I would chase it with my eyes and it would never be where I wanted it to be, rather like eye floaties. This time the circle was stronger though, and I could see smaller circles with similar behavior at the further edges of my vision. My visual snow was dancing and leading me in and out of my head. It was dark out, and I went outside to go smoke. After my second joint I realized shit wasn't all really correct. My house is in the middle of the woods, and I walk down a long dark road and sit in the middle of it to smoke. I was lost. The light of my doorbell was way off in the distance, which I intended to use as a guide to return home after I smoked. However there was an identical one in the opposite direction as well, and I started to feel a bit paranoid. I knew I couldn't be far from home, but I realized I had no idea what the fuck was up with time anymore. The watch on my wrist told me the four digits, but they meant absolutely nothing in my mind. I felt like the second joint took years to accomplish smoking. As I looked around, enormous dark imprints of skulls began to envelop my vision. That was fucking scary, because of the way they manifested. It wasn't as though they were physical, but deeply engrained impressions that my mind created. Why skulls? Thought loops were prevalent, and every motion my body took was almost entirely disconnected from my brain. I walked back inside after somehow getting to my house and lay down. This was when shit got even worse. I was entirely in my head, and whatever music I had playing was irrelevant. I started to feel an intense massage of the brain, a sort of mental carressing and I could tell it was the mushrooms. I felt in a subtly paranoid euphoria, and the consciousness in the back of my head's interactions with my active brains voice were fully envoloping. I started to think of shrooms as they were in nature, and what they really are. I saw them like peppers, or monarch butterflies, with a poison inside to prevent organisms from consuming them. A natural adaptation. I realized then exactly what this mental massage was. For deeper, in my head, which took everything for me to realize, was extremely intense and pleasing visions of my own demise. I felt an indescribably primitive notion to slit my wrists, or hang myself, or jump off something big, yet my ego wasn't even present anymore. I was essentially a being of pure consciousness, conscious only of pleasure and suicidal thoughts. Now shit was flashing in my head, imprints of dinosaurs and bright lights with shadowy patterns and terrifying faces and visions of one man with a scaggly beard and wild eyes grabbing me by the head and squeezing my eyeballs until they exploded all going at the speed of light. Fear had completely enveloped me and I realized I was completely naked in my bed. My body felt damp all over, which I now realize may have just been from hours of sweating. I heard only the voices I now understand to be my consciousness, not speaking but impregnating my mental state with deep rooted impressions of the universe. I saw consciousness and saw it's connection in every living life form, and realized that I had been repeating in my head "There is no god, there is no god, there is no god" louder than physically imaginable. No,it "wasn't there is no god"... it was "It's not a god." I began to cry, as visions of the pain in my life and the lives of everybody flashed before my eyes in an intensity I couldn't soberly describe or even think about. I realized how capable my brain is. Not once did I have a hallucination that felt real, like you hear about in kids cartoons about drugs with birds flying around speaking to you. It's all incredibly deep within you, and words and everything we find societal and human was gone. Nothing was words, everything was communicated to me in deep impressions. I made the realization that I am just a being on this planet, with seven billion others like me with the same such realities hidden deep in their consciousnesses, some unlocked more than others, some closed off forever. There were several moments where I was laying in my bed naked shuddering and flexing my entire body, just to control it. Moments of eternity in which the impressions my conscioussness gave me were all there was. It has been about five days since that trip, and still I'm feeling mindfucked. Though time had returned to normal, my visual snow had been very prevalent, something I used to only notice time to time. Sometimes I realize how long I've been thinking, and that very little time at all has passed. At the root of it, I feel as if I never want to return to mushrooms, however I somehow deep down know I must. This universe is so vastly more complicated than each of us alone could comprehend. I know to understand it further, I'll have to trip when I'm in a better mental place. Don't fuck around with mushrooms though, especially a lot of them. Mushrooms and acid are far different from marijuana or cocaine or opiates. All drugs are to bring you away from reality. It's a spectrum, however, and most drugs just let you blissfully lose touch with it. Psychedlics bring you a hell of a lot closer, and it's not until you've realized it that you find it's too late. My suggestion is don't fuck around with psychedlics, unless you're ready. Problem is you'll never know when you're ready until it's already over.