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Recovery My cliché recovery journal

Rio Fantastic

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rio your description of paws was very useful to me.... pretty much describes myself over the past few months, though the last few weeks its been way more down than up. i hope that at least knowing what to expect helps you prepare yourself for it better.

don't beat yourself up after a tiny lapse you're doing really well.

Thanks. I'm trying to stay positive at the moment. I currently have 6 days of sobriety after another one day lapse. The trigger was so obvious in retrospect - I met up with an old friend that I used to always use with, and we met up with the honest intention of just going to the cinema to watch a film. I meet him and he's obviously a little agitated and then tells me he has money and can we score before we go. I should have said no, but when the opportunity was presented in front of me I ended up taking it. I'm bouncing back now, but I am just so sick to death of spending most of my life in this shitty grey area without the joy of drugs or the benefits of sobriety. The constant stopping and starting means I exist in a transitional state like 90% of the time, which IMO is worse overall than if I just spent all my time using (and obviously than if I progressed in sobriety). I am staying focused now on getting some clean time. My cravings have been pretty minor so far but these past couple days have been stress-free, so I haven't been really tested yet. I want more than anything to just get back to where I was around this time last year, when I had 5 months on subutex and felt great. How is everyone else doing?
 

Mirub123

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Im taking Durogesic I cut it in pieces and put under my tounge, put now I like to quit. I feel very shit with this shit drugs I like to be my life ok.
I like to try to stop to take durogesic and take subutex. I have 8 mg tabs.
But can somebody tell me how many tabs to I need to take.
Thanks
 

Rio Fantastic

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Thought my thread was due an update. I'm currently on the 12th day without using anything except 2mg of subutex per day. I had this giant boost in my mood & energy levels a couple days ago and was starting to feel really great, but now that seems to have faded away and I've retreated back into this haze of mild sadness. Thankfully though the cravings haven't been reignited with it, but I'm trying to be as aware as possible because I know once cravings start they intensify incredibly quickly and have led to me making terrible decisions very quickly before. The weather has been fantastic here in the UK for the past few days but today it's gone a little grey again, so that doesn't help my mind too much. It's bizarre how 12 days can go by so quickly and yet the last time I used already seems like it was so long ago.

One thing I have been reflecting on is how I'm genuinely excited by the prospect of the journey to sobriety. I have been on the "relapse-get sober" merry-go-round for years and so I have no idea what a real period of sobriety will feel like, but I can't wait to find out. I have been letting myself down for far too long, and I need to try and re-discover who I was before drugs dominated my life.

How is everyone else doing? One question I wanted to ask if anyone has the relevant experience - am I the only one who gets mood swings on subutex?? They are nowhere near as the awful, horrible depression that PAWs led to after quitting opiates cold turkey, but they're still significant and I'm wondering if anyone else has experience with this.
 
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Captain.Heroin

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I probably have way worse mood swings not using buprenorphine, it seemed to be the perfect pharmacological intervention minus the whole addiction and shit. I'm doing ok though Rio thank you for asking.

Make sure you're doing fun, new (non-drug, lol) activities to help take up time and it'll help you stay sober longer. The more I engaged with real life during the early part of my recovery, the more I saw there was worth doing that wasn't drug related, and so on. Of course I'm still using cannabinoids but I don't use buprenorphine anymore and have largely stayed away from hard drugs for years now.
 

cj

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2mg is a low dose which is good. Try not to chase that boost with higher doses because the returns diminish quickly.
 

chinup

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well done!!!

do remember, life isn't feeling great all the time, it sucks a lot of the time, that's normal. also, 2mg sub is a pretty small dose, especially with a tolerance, i have used it just never for maintenance. so though any amount of opiates definitely does SOMETHING, i can't imagine its having a huge impact on your mood, so it makes sense you're not super chilled all the time.

i've been loving the weather too. though in a bizarre twist of fate, it was glorious in manchester on my birthday, but i went over to see friends in leeds and it was raining all day. i've never ever seen leeds raining and manchester not raining, having lived in both cities and always travelled frequently between them. i was ready for us to get a super long summer like the one i wasted last year smoking crack in my bedroom, except actually taking advantage of the weather, so pretty gutted it rained today.
 

Rio Fantastic

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Hi everyone. I'm still here! A couple wednesdays ago, on the 22nd, I relapsed. The trigger was money. I had been clean for 15 days and though I'd had cravings I hadn't acted on them - I could have gotten drugs on credit or hustled together some money very easily, but I resisted. The moment a little money was actually in my hand though the cravings suddenly kicked up 10x. I managed to hold the money in my account for a night, but then the next day I broke. What followed was an 8 day relapse. The memories are foggy but I did a lot of heroin and crack and supplemented it with morphine pills on the couple days I didn't have money to score. The lapse fucking RUINED me. It chewed me up and spit me out. I'm now on day 5 back on just subs, and I'm finally starting to come back to my normal baseline. I've been so so depressed the past few days, but I'm just thankful that I've clawed back a little bit of sobriety.

The cravings have been manageable these past few days. I really regret the fact that I fucked up, but I need to stay focused and try to prevent it from happening again. Every time I slip I take a gamble that I won't be coming back to sobriety for a long, long time, and it sets me back completely. My brain has been craving any kind of chemical release the past few days - I've even contemplated just buying some alcohol and getting fucked on that just for something - but I know that I will adjust again in a few days to the 2mg of subutex, and I need to learn to sit with my emotions and cravings and not act on them or I'm always going to be stuck on this merry-go-round, and I really want fucking off of it now.

How are you guys doing?
 

chinup

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don't beat yourself up about the relapse. well done for getting back on it though. and even getting through one night without scoring says something. can you get someone to look after your money for you next time you get some? i know its kinda cringe but it might help.

my dad's on my bank account now so he can see everything and it does actually help. though i fucking died when he looked back through years of statements and realised how much i'd been spending for so long. when i was planning to buy myself heroin for my birthday i started getting an extra tenner out every time i needed to withdraw cash so there wouldn't be a massive withdrawal so its still possible to game it. didn't buy any in the end thank fuck.

obviously letting someone go on your bank account or giving them your money requires someone you can trust massively and if you're not 100% committed you'll just blag them for your money so if it sounds appealing (prob not the right word!) consider it fully and realistically.

its fucking hard work but if you keep at it, not using will get a lot easier. i haven't wanted to use in a few weeks now, never thought that'd happen. its pretty clear from your posts you really don't want to be using, so stick with it. don't let lapses demoralise you.
 

Rio Fantastic

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don't beat yourself up about the relapse. well done for getting back on it though. and even getting through one night without scoring says something. can you get someone to look after your money for you next time you get some? i know its kinda cringe but it might help.

my dad's on my bank account now so he can see everything and it does actually help. though i fucking died when he looked back through years of statements and realised how much i'd been spending for so long. when i was planning to buy myself heroin for my birthday i started getting an extra tenner out every time i needed to withdraw cash so there wouldn't be a massive withdrawal so its still possible to game it. didn't buy any in the end thank fuck.

obviously letting someone go on your bank account or giving them your money requires someone you can trust massively and if you're not 100% committed you'll just blag them for your money so if it sounds appealing (prob not the right word!) consider it fully and realistically.

its fucking hard work but if you keep at it, not using will get a lot easier. i haven't wanted to use in a few weeks now, never thought that'd happen. its pretty clear from your posts you really don't want to be using, so stick with it. don't let lapses demoralise you.

Thanks for the encouragement! I can't wait to get to that point where cravings aren't a daily battle. Thanks for your advice, but the pathetic part is my Mum has been looking after my money for a while now, but when I start craving and put my mind to it she can't stop me getting my hands on money, but at least it's not quite as accessible as if it was just sitting in my account. How long have you been sober now??
 

Captain.Heroin

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How are you guys doing?
I'm not doing too well, and I am really sorry to hear about your lapse but hey, it was only eight days and you can still get clean. Just believe in yourself, and try to have a better plan for future trigger events (what happens when you get money in the future? maybe line up bills to pay, a savings acct. or purchase something else like food, clothes? what do you like to buy for fun that aren't drugs?)
 

Rio Fantastic

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I'm not doing too well, and I am really sorry to hear about your lapse but hey, it was only eight days and you can still get clean. Just believe in yourself, and try to have a better plan for future trigger events (what happens when you get money in the future? maybe line up bills to pay, a savings acct. or purchase something else like food, clothes? what do you like to buy for fun that aren't drugs?)

Whats up CH??

thanks for the positivity. I'm going to avoid having significant amounts of money in my immediate possession for at least a month till my mindset is less vulnerable, and then slowly phase it back in by only getting money for specific purposes and proving myself capable of it. Thankfully my mum is being really supportive so she is backing me.
 

chinup

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apart from a week lapse, no heroin or crack though, booze, coke, codeine and clonazepam..... i've been in recovery just over 8 months. its been harder than i ever imagined, but the repayment is my life is now better than i ever imagined. even though its shit. i had low expectations lol.

how are you doing? have you found a good way to distract yourself? are you going to groups at your cdt? when i got out of rehab i think having a timetable that worked out more than a full time job really helped, so do try and keep yourself busy as much as possible, even if you can't be arsed. if you've got stuff to do all the time then you're less likely to use out of boredom and more likely to be distracted by whatever you're doing.

i'm glad your mum has your money but yeah, there's always a way. having family support is a massive massive help.
 

EPL1

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Nothing about you could ever be cliché Rio.

Long time no talk, I'm pleased to hear you are well..
A one time lapse is just a blip on the radar, no harm done, you just keep plugging along and being your awesome self. Proud of you honey.
Lovely to hear your mom is so supportive.

Try not to be such a stranger in the future, miss you around here.

Here for you anytime.

your friend,
Ash.
 

Rio Fantastic

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apart from a week lapse, no heroin or crack though, booze, coke, codeine and clonazepam..... i've been in recovery just over 8 months. its been harder than i ever imagined, but the repayment is my life is now better than i ever imagined. even though its shit. i had low expectations lol.

how are you doing? have you found a good way to distract yourself? are you going to groups at your cdt? when i got out of rehab i think having a timetable that worked out more than a full time job really helped, so do try and keep yourself busy as much as possible, even if you can't be arsed. if you've got stuff to do all the time then you're less likely to use out of boredom and more likely to be distracted by whatever you're doing.

i'm glad your mum has your money but yeah, there's always a way. having family support is a massive massive help.

How long ago was your week long relapse?? Congratulations on getting sober. I know from experience that poly-drug addiction is insanely hard to quit, and I can't even imagine the added level of difficulty when you throw benzos and alcohol into the mix as well. What is your life like at the moment, if you don't mind me asking?

I'm doing pretty good. I have a list of things to do each day - I'm getting back into running, meditating a little each day, listen to music, read and watch comedy/documentaries etc. I have plenty of stuff to do, my only problem in that regard is sometimes I feel like I'm spending too much time alone but my current friends are all heavily into drinking and smoking weed at the least so I don't feel like being around them. Speaking of groups, I'm actually going back to SMART recovery tonight. I need to get back into it, it was a huge help before and the group I used to go to that I'm going to again tonight was so supportive before. I tried and failed with NA many times, but I had more success with SMART.

Nothing about you could ever be cliché Rio.

Long time no talk, I'm pleased to hear you are well..
A one time lapse is just a blip on the radar, no harm done, you just keep plugging along and being your awesome self. Proud of you honey.
Lovely to hear your mom is so supportive.

Try not to be such a stranger in the future, miss you around here.

Here for you anytime.

your friend,
Ash.

Thanks Ash. You've always been so supportive and positive (off topic but I can't believe they didn't make you mod!?!? WTF!?!?). A blip on the radar is a really good way to frame it. I am really looking forward to just making 20 days - once I get there, I will be longer into sobriety than I have been all of 2019! It doesn't sound like much but I always seem to struggle after 2 weeks, so I'm trying to prepare for the cravings. I know I've been away a while - I disappear when I use since I don't want to be accountable to the words of me when I'm sober, but I'm really trying to stay clean this time and hopefully you will be seeing more of me. How have you been Ash?? This may sound weird but can you tell me a little about your life?? I have been exchanging messages with you for a while but I feel like I don't know as much about you as I'd like.

Today has been OK. The weather here in the UK has been miserable - it's been pouring with rain all day. I'd planned on going for a run, and though I was tempted to leave it I remember some advice about imagining if rain would stop me if I was going to score. When the answer is no, then I apply that same mindset to things that are actually good for me. I love the feeling of running - it leaves me tired later in the day, but it also gives me a serenity and it feels good just to do something that's good for me. My cravings haven't flared up badly yet, but I'm staying cautious & alert. I've been getting sad sometimes about my social life - I have a few really good friends, but they all live such different lives to me and it all revolves around drinking and taking drugs, and I've known them all such a long time. I need some new friends and a new social life. However, I know I'm only 9 days into sobriety, so expecting my entire life to have changed is silly and unrealistic. I am going to focus at the moment on staying sober, and then once I have some stability I am going to try to branch out and find new people and new things to do.
 

Captain.Heroin

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Yeah Rio I spend a lot of time alone. I find it very hard to want to be around or talk to other people. I go from wanting to be alone to being lonely rather frequently. I can relate there.

I'm also huge into reading. The weather here is pretty nice, I hope it gets better out there for you guys :)
 

chinup

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my week long relapse was over easter weekend. manchester punk festival and i'd been going nuts for over a month before it so it was pretty much bound to happen. had an awesome time though. problem was i didn't stop when the festival finished. had to really force myself to not get drawn back in.

my life right now is up and down but that’s cos i’m anxious about starting my new job. but overall i feel its better than its ever been, i’ve had so much therapy and put so much work in and its paying off. i’m super busy with stuff via my drugs services, fitness, NA, part time work, and actually having hobbies that aren’t getting caned. i feel optimistic about my future. before i got really bad, i expected to just try and wait things out til my parents died so i could look after them in old age, then kill myself. i actually want to be alive now for the first time ever, and i’m not exaggerating i was suicidal by age 6 to the extent my parents were petrified they were gonna lose me. its still going to involve struggles but i feel like i can cope with them.

do get back into smart, for me the social support from people who really understand is invaluable. i get it from NA but i don’t think it matters where you get it from really.

i’m glad you’re keeping busy, it really will help. the thing about your friends is a difficult one. being alone loads gets you stuck in your own head, exactly where you got into trouble in the first place. if you go to meetings of some sort you might be able to meet new friends though i learned the hard way not to get too emotionally invested with other addicts- a good friend relapsed bad, though it helped me shut the door on heroin. i spend loads of time alone as well, but i can sort of tell a bit when its fucking my head up now, and make an effort to speak to people so i can get back into reality.

the fucking weather sucks. i wanted a nice summer before i go back into full time work!! i wasted last summer cos its a pain in the arse to smoke crack outside. and you don't exactly care about the weather who you're waiting for a dealer, as long as its not raining or freezing.
 
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