Yeah Rio I spend a lot of time alone. I find it very hard to want to be around or talk to other people. I go from wanting to be alone to being lonely rather frequently. I can relate there.
I'm also huge into reading. The weather here is pretty nice, I hope it gets better out there for you guys
The distinction between being alone and being lonely is a fine point that's really important. Like you, I'm often totally content being by myself, but then sometimes I find myself aching to be around others and can't stand my own company. What's your social circle like??
my week long relapse was over easter weekend. manchester punk festival and i'd been going nuts for over a month before it so it was pretty much bound to happen. had an awesome time though. problem was i didn't stop when the festival finished. had to really force myself to not get drawn back in.
my life right now is up and down but that’s cos i’m anxious about starting my new job. but overall i feel its better than its ever been, i’ve had so much therapy and put so much work in and its paying off. i’m super busy with stuff via my drugs services, fitness, NA, part time work, and actually having hobbies that aren’t getting caned. i feel optimistic about my future. before i got really bad, i expected to just try and wait things out til my parents died so i could look after them in old age, then kill myself. i actually want to be alive now for the first time ever, and i’m not exaggerating i was suicidal by age 6 to the extent my parents were petrified they were gonna lose me. its still going to involve struggles but i feel like i can cope with them.
do get back into smart, for me the social support from people who really understand is invaluable. i get it from NA but i don’t think it matters where you get it from really.
i’m glad you’re keeping busy, it really will help. the thing about your friends is a difficult one. being alone loads gets you stuck in your own head, exactly where you got into trouble in the first place. if you go to meetings of some sort you might be able to meet new friends though i learned the hard way not to get too emotionally invested with other addicts- a good friend relapsed bad, though it helped me shut the door on heroin. i spend loads of time alone as well, but i can sort of tell a bit when its fucking my head up now, and make an effort to speak to people so i can get back into reality.
the fucking weather sucks. i wanted a nice summer before i go back into full time work!! i wasted last summer cos its a pain in the arse to smoke crack outside. and you don't exactly care about the weather who you're waiting for a dealer, as long as its not raining or freezing.
If you've been sober since the week around Easter though you're doing really, really well. I need to emulate what you're doing - filling my life with stuff to do so I have less time to sit around and let cravings creep in. I have a whole bunch of hobbies I want to get back into, but minus a couple of them they all require money, and my financial situation is fucked atm. If I just stay clean it will resolve itself, so I really need to make this one the successful attempt. And yeah, SMART was great. The group welcomed be back with open arms - I'd forgotten how much better I feel after I go to a meeting! The session was about unconditional self-acceptance, and it really helped me put things into perspective - no point dwelling on the relapse, I have to forgive myself and move forward.
I totally hear you about other addicts. My entire friend group from rehab relapsed and surely enough I wasn't far behind, and then went on the worst using streak I'd ever had. I learnt that lesson the hard way! What's your job, btw? What part of the UK are you from?? How old are you?? haha I just want to fill in the blanks so I know who's giving me the advice, hope you don't mind!
I've been really depressed all day but it seems to be lifting now. Did some meditation and the sun has come out. I couldn't go running today since my calves are fucked from running the past couple of days so I've had to put it off, but managed to get everything else done I wanted to today like cleaning and making a plan for the week. I'm back in double digits today with 10 days of sobriety, but I'm super aware that I've been here at day 10 countless times before but I very, very rarely get to day 20, so these next 10 days I need to be ready for cravings and deal with them without giving in. I can't wait to get back to day 17, where I was before, and then get past it. Life becomes an adventure when I'm sober - when I'm stuck using, then sobering up and repeating constantly life is so predictable and stressful and miserable!