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Recovery My cliché recovery journal

Rio Fantastic

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Yeah Rio I spend a lot of time alone. I find it very hard to want to be around or talk to other people. I go from wanting to be alone to being lonely rather frequently. I can relate there.

I'm also huge into reading. The weather here is pretty nice, I hope it gets better out there for you guys :)

The distinction between being alone and being lonely is a fine point that's really important. Like you, I'm often totally content being by myself, but then sometimes I find myself aching to be around others and can't stand my own company. What's your social circle like??

my week long relapse was over easter weekend. manchester punk festival and i'd been going nuts for over a month before it so it was pretty much bound to happen. had an awesome time though. problem was i didn't stop when the festival finished. had to really force myself to not get drawn back in.

my life right now is up and down but that’s cos i’m anxious about starting my new job. but overall i feel its better than its ever been, i’ve had so much therapy and put so much work in and its paying off. i’m super busy with stuff via my drugs services, fitness, NA, part time work, and actually having hobbies that aren’t getting caned. i feel optimistic about my future. before i got really bad, i expected to just try and wait things out til my parents died so i could look after them in old age, then kill myself. i actually want to be alive now for the first time ever, and i’m not exaggerating i was suicidal by age 6 to the extent my parents were petrified they were gonna lose me. its still going to involve struggles but i feel like i can cope with them.

do get back into smart, for me the social support from people who really understand is invaluable. i get it from NA but i don’t think it matters where you get it from really.

i’m glad you’re keeping busy, it really will help. the thing about your friends is a difficult one. being alone loads gets you stuck in your own head, exactly where you got into trouble in the first place. if you go to meetings of some sort you might be able to meet new friends though i learned the hard way not to get too emotionally invested with other addicts- a good friend relapsed bad, though it helped me shut the door on heroin. i spend loads of time alone as well, but i can sort of tell a bit when its fucking my head up now, and make an effort to speak to people so i can get back into reality.

the fucking weather sucks. i wanted a nice summer before i go back into full time work!! i wasted last summer cos its a pain in the arse to smoke crack outside. and you don't exactly care about the weather who you're waiting for a dealer, as long as its not raining or freezing.

If you've been sober since the week around Easter though you're doing really, really well. I need to emulate what you're doing - filling my life with stuff to do so I have less time to sit around and let cravings creep in. I have a whole bunch of hobbies I want to get back into, but minus a couple of them they all require money, and my financial situation is fucked atm. If I just stay clean it will resolve itself, so I really need to make this one the successful attempt. And yeah, SMART was great. The group welcomed be back with open arms - I'd forgotten how much better I feel after I go to a meeting! The session was about unconditional self-acceptance, and it really helped me put things into perspective - no point dwelling on the relapse, I have to forgive myself and move forward.

I totally hear you about other addicts. My entire friend group from rehab relapsed and surely enough I wasn't far behind, and then went on the worst using streak I'd ever had. I learnt that lesson the hard way! What's your job, btw? What part of the UK are you from?? How old are you?? haha I just want to fill in the blanks so I know who's giving me the advice, hope you don't mind!

I've been really depressed all day but it seems to be lifting now. Did some meditation and the sun has come out. I couldn't go running today since my calves are fucked from running the past couple of days so I've had to put it off, but managed to get everything else done I wanted to today like cleaning and making a plan for the week. I'm back in double digits today with 10 days of sobriety, but I'm super aware that I've been here at day 10 countless times before but I very, very rarely get to day 20, so these next 10 days I need to be ready for cravings and deal with them without giving in. I can't wait to get back to day 17, where I was before, and then get past it. Life becomes an adventure when I'm sober - when I'm stuck using, then sobering up and repeating constantly life is so predictable and stressful and miserable!
 

chinup

✨ Your Fantasy ✨ Senior Moderator: EADD, H&R, S&T
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thanks!! that's very kind of you. i've been trying fucking hard, and yes since then i've not used, even though since i'd lost my clean time i promised myself i'd get a dark for my birthday, i never did in the end. even with no job and living at my parents i had too much to lose.

i'm really glad smart helped and hope that encourages you to go back!! and unconditional self acceptance sounds like a really appropriate topic for you right now.

sorry about your friends from rehab. its kinda par for the course- i think the relapse rate is over 90%. its difficult though cos you want friends who understand where you're at but knowing you're likely to lose people along the way is hard, plus even clean addicts are a fucking unreliable.

i'm from manchester but did most of my using in leeds and norwich (moved there to get away from dark lol), i'm 33 and just about to start a postdoc as a research scientist, programming supercomputers which i love.

glad your depression lifted. remember your brain chemistry is way out of whack so low moods are to be expected. crack made it impossible for me to feel joy or laugh, but i think it took 4 weeks for me to laugh, so if you can make it that far you'll feel loads better.

having no money does suck but its also kinda good to not get everything you want straight away cos it gives something to work towards and motivate you to continue your recovery. i have part time work now and i saved up to buy a new bass guitar cos my last one went to crack converters. having something to work towards really motivated me to do pretty boring, mind numbing stuff. now i practise it almost every day and its super fun!! actually having interests is pretty surreal, i used to think i had interests but only ever did stuff when i was caned, and towards the end i was just completely one dimensional, use, get money, repeat.
 

Rio Fantastic

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thanks!! that's very kind of you. i've been trying fucking hard, and yes since then i've not used, even though since i'd lost my clean time i promised myself i'd get a dark for my birthday, i never did in the end. even with no job and living at my parents i had too much to lose.

i'm really glad smart helped and hope that encourages you to go back!! and unconditional self acceptance sounds like a really appropriate topic for you right now.

sorry about your friends from rehab. its kinda par for the course- i think the relapse rate is over 90%. its difficult though cos you want friends who understand where you're at but knowing you're likely to lose people along the way is hard, plus even clean addicts are a fucking unreliable.

i'm from manchester but did most of my using in leeds and norwich (moved there to get away from dark lol), i'm 33 and just about to start a postdoc as a research scientist, programming supercomputers which i love.

glad your depression lifted. remember your brain chemistry is way out of whack so low moods are to be expected. crack made it impossible for me to feel joy or laugh, but i think it took 4 weeks for me to laugh, so if you can make it that far you'll feel loads better.

having no money does suck but its also kinda good to not get everything you want straight away cos it gives something to work towards and motivate you to continue your recovery. i have part time work now and i saved up to buy a new bass guitar cos my last one went to crack converters. having something to work towards really motivated me to do pretty boring, mind numbing stuff. now i practise it almost every day and its super fun!! actually having interests is pretty surreal, i used to think i had interests but only ever did stuff when i was caned, and towards the end i was just completely one dimensional, use, get money, repeat.

That's actually hilarious you moved to Norwich to get AWAY from heroin! The rehab that I relapsed shortly after leaving was based in Lowestoft, pretty close to Norwich, and the heroin scene there was insane. A huge scene for a relatively small town. It's awesome you have a career you love, that must be a big asset when trying to leave drugs behind! You're totally right about using desire as motivation though. I feel like I need to make fixing my social life a priority though, but I don't know where to start being 26 years old and having all my current friends being into drugs, but I'll hopefully figure something out.
 

chinup

✨ Your Fantasy ✨ Senior Moderator: EADD, H&R, S&T
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i know!! now i know what i do now i'd not have picked it, i'd assumed since its so far from anywhere that there wouldn't be much about. by the time i got clean, quality was similar to leeds though prices higher. leeds is 11 miles from bradford (bradford b is the nest i've ever had by a mile, i found the difference comparable to that between smoking and shooting), guess that says more about how much it gets stamped on between bradford and leeds though.

the whole east of england is nuts, it wins 'best quality of life' things nationally and there's some beautiful places but there's so little prospects for people unless they leave, and the state education is pretty poor so they can't leave. the fact i had a choice of about 10 dealers within 5 mins walk from my house says it all really. though it wasn't quite as rife as where i lived in leeds where there was enough people using locally that dealers delivered straight to your door in like 5 mins if you got lucky and never more than 30.

yep having a career i can resurrect is a major major piece of 'recovery capital' and i'm super lucky in that, and many other, respects.

do you have some friends who at least don't do hard drugs? it is a really difficult one, i don't know how people make friends really, my new ones since i moved back up here have all been through NA, i'd like some 'normal' friends too but realistically i'm actually too busy to do anything else to make any- maybe if you find more constructive ways to fill your time you won't feel that pressure so much? and if you're doing stuff with other people maybe you'll make friends eventually?

how you getting on today?
 

Rio Fantastic

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i know!! now i know what i do now i'd not have picked it, i'd assumed since its so far from anywhere that there wouldn't be much about. by the time i got clean, quality was similar to leeds though prices higher. leeds is 11 miles from bradford (bradford b is the nest i've ever had by a mile, i found the difference comparable to that between smoking and shooting), guess that says more about how much it gets stamped on between bradford and leeds though.

the whole east of england is nuts, it wins 'best quality of life' things nationally and there's some beautiful places but there's so little prospects for people unless they leave, and the state education is pretty poor so they can't leave. the fact i had a choice of about 10 dealers within 5 mins walk from my house says it all really. though it wasn't quite as rife as where i lived in leeds where there was enough people using locally that dealers delivered straight to your door in like 5 mins if you got lucky and never more than 30.

yep having a career i can resurrect is a major major piece of 'recovery capital' and i'm super lucky in that, and many other, respects.

do you have some friends who at least don't do hard drugs? it is a really difficult one, i don't know how people make friends really, my new ones since i moved back up here have all been through NA, i'd like some 'normal' friends too but realistically i'm actually too busy to do anything else to make any- maybe if you find more constructive ways to fill your time you won't feel that pressure so much? and if you're doing stuff with other people maybe you'll make friends eventually?

how you getting on today?

That's the thing about our little island tho, you're never very far from hard drugs, and I'd say if I had a bit of money, time and determination you could put me down in any urban area in the country and I'd find heroin sooner or later, I'm sure you could say the same!

I like that phrase - "recovery capital". Do you enjoy your work?? I think come September when I'm working towards a degree in a field I'm legitimately interested in then I'll have less temptation to use. I don't mind the job I have now, but it is just a job rather than a career and I only enjoy it with the provision that I know it's temporary. Don't get me wrong, I really like a lot of the people I work with, but it's a dead-end job and if I was looking at spending the rest of my life there I think I'd definitely end up relapsing.

I have a couple of friends who don't do hard drugs, but their lives revolve around smoking weed & drinking. I do spend time with them sometimes and make sure I stay in touch with them, but when I'm with them I get jealous that they can enjoy substances while I sit their sober. If I'm in a good mood & a good place then it's fine and I can have a great time with them, but while I'm not 100% stable I try to avoid them. Too many sobriety attempts before have been sabotaged by own jealousy and I end up sitting at my friend's place watching him enjoy himself getting high & drunk and I sit there stewing in resentment & envy and then end up thinking "fuck it" and go and score. It's petty & stupid, but I know how my mind works and I'm doing my best to avoid my previous triggers until I'm feeling a little stronger.

You're right about the finding friends thing. I've decided once I'm stable enough where I'll be able to say with some degree of certainty that I'm not going to be super depressed a few days from now - when I'm at that point in my recovery, then I'll turn my attention to my social life. I have some ideas - volunteering, meetups etc - and I think if i put my mind to it I should be able to find/reconnect with some friends.

I'm doing pretty good today! I was feeling like I was in a haze yesterday, like I was stuck in my own head and disconnected from the outside world, but today I feel much better. I'm 13 days in and starting to make some healthier decisions - I'm eating a little better, meditating, I even went for another run today despite this miserable weather, and though I'm still having mood swings and I know that they may continue for some time I feel like there's a light at the end of the tunnel that I can clearly see for the first time in a long while. What's encouraging is that even though I wasn't feeling great yesterdays drugs hardly even entered my mind. I won't get overconfident since that's what led me to lapsing the last time, but I like the fact that it's not a daily battle against my own head right now.

How are you doing?? btw are you a guy?? It's hard to tell with just text. I have a bad habit of assuming by default that everyone I interact with online is a white man, but your tag threw me off and I should stop making that assumption anyway!
 

chinup

✨ Your Fantasy ✨ Senior Moderator: EADD, H&R, S&T
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ha yeah certainly just go to the nearest council estate and look for some obvious junkies or people waiting around.

yeah i love my work, or the work i'll be doing, my work now sucks but i'm grateful just to have an income. its not boring which is the main thing!! ah that's awesome you'll be starting a degree!!! it won't solve everything, i lost my dream job cos of crack, but i think having something to lose raises the stakes a bit. what will you be studying? its def good to have worked a shit job before you start your degree cos when the degree gets hard and you're thinking of packing it in, if you're anything like me, not wanting to go back to your previous job forever will motivate you!


that sounds like a good idea about your social life. and yeah i can see it be annoying, the only person i hang out with who drinks around me is my best mate/ex boyfriend, i've got less annoyed over time cos he moved back from australia to be with me and by the time he got back i was so far gone i didn't give a shit and he had to buy crack for me to hang out with him. so i kinda owe him. if you're starting uni soon you'll meet loads of people there. have you sorted out halls yet? i've got a mate in recovery starting in september and he's going into an alcohol free hall even though his problem was opiates.

you'll get some stability but it is likely to take a long time to get anywhere near 'normal' so don't put it off forever once you've got a couple of weeks. improvements come pretty quick in the first few weeks then get unbearably slow.

i'm well impressed with your running yesterday!! i'm so fed up of this weather!!

i'm mint thanks just starting to sort out stuff for an awesome house within half hour walk of my new job, with someone from NA, so hopefully no drugs around, and i can keep my cat there! super chuffed about that but nervous about starting a real job, i got super lucky cos i'm picking up my career where i left off but i don't think i should count on getting this chance again.

i'm a girl. i know what you mean, i assume everyone is a white male too unless i find out otherwise, or they say they're from somewhere like the deep south in the states. but by that logic i should assume you're asian since you're from birmingham but i don't. i'm white but not ethnically british. what about you?

hope you're having a good day.
 

Rio Fantastic

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ha yeah certainly just go to the nearest council estate and look for some obvious junkies or people waiting around.

yeah i love my work, or the work i'll be doing, my work now sucks but i'm grateful just to have an income. its not boring which is the main thing!! ah that's awesome you'll be starting a degree!!! it won't solve everything, i lost my dream job cos of crack, but i think having something to lose raises the stakes a bit. what will you be studying? its def good to have worked a shit job before you start your degree cos when the degree gets hard and you're thinking of packing it in, if you're anything like me, not wanting to go back to your previous job forever will motivate you!


that sounds like a good idea about your social life. and yeah i can see it be annoying, the only person i hang out with who drinks around me is my best mate/ex boyfriend, i've got less annoyed over time cos he moved back from australia to be with me and by the time he got back i was so far gone i didn't give a shit and he had to buy crack for me to hang out with him. so i kinda owe him. if you're starting uni soon you'll meet loads of people there. have you sorted out halls yet? i've got a mate in recovery starting in september and he's going into an alcohol free hall even though his problem was opiates.

you'll get some stability but it is likely to take a long time to get anywhere near 'normal' so don't put it off forever once you've got a couple of weeks. improvements come pretty quick in the first few weeks then get unbearably slow.

i'm well impressed with your running yesterday!! i'm so fed up of this weather!!

i'm mint thanks just starting to sort out stuff for an awesome house within half hour walk of my new job, with someone from NA, so hopefully no drugs around, and i can keep my cat there! super chuffed about that but nervous about starting a real job, i got super lucky cos i'm picking up my career where i left off but i don't think i should count on getting this chance again.

i'm a girl. i know what you mean, i assume everyone is a white male too unless i find out otherwise, or they say they're from somewhere like the deep south in the states. but by that logic i should assume you're asian since you're from birmingham but i don't. i'm white but not ethnically british. what about you?

hope you're having a good day.

yeah fuck this weather. I'm supposed to be studying Cognitive Neursoscience & Psychology, and the halls and everything are sorted but I'm thinking of seeing how I am over June. I might have to defer it again - I can't risk relapsing when I'm at uni and fucking everything up, since I won't get this opportunity again. I definitely won't put fixing my social life off forever - just need a bit of money in my pocket and to feel OK and I'll be back at it. thats awesome about the house & job - it's crazy how things tend to work themselves out in sobriety, isn't it?? I'm white & British but LOL @ the Birmingham comment.

feel shitty today. its day 14 - I don't know why but like fucking clockwork after 14 days sober (or close to sober since I'm on subs) I get depressed. cravings haven't been too bad though. just came back from a cinema trip with my mum & brother where we went to watch godzilla, which was awesome and a nice distraction from my own fucking head. I can't wait to just feel normal again and not have to worry about sinking back into depression FOR NO FUCKING REASON!
 

chinup

✨ Your Fantasy ✨ Senior Moderator: EADD, H&R, S&T
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got some tiny chinks of blue sky today. it feels like its been raining forever now.

your degree sounds super interesting!! do you have a plan in place for what you're going to do between now and then to help you get well? if so, i'd say go for it. if not, make one, cos just planning not to use any more drugs is why i couldn't quit. when i left rehab they got me to do a daily plan for my first 90 days, which they then made me action the bits i could before i left, it was fucking effort but i stuck to it and i think it helped.

well done on getting 2 weeks in. the depression will lift. or if it doesn't you should see a doctor. it does get it easier, and it doesn't take long before its a hell of a lot easier than using, its good cravings haven't been too bad- they'll wax and wane but overall its a downward trend. though mine went through the roof again at 5 months.

glad you enjoyed the film. i watched minions with my dad last night, was fun. i can only watch children's films cos anything that might have violence against women in it can trigger my ptsd so isn't worth the risk. but i've found out loads of kids films are great!!
 

Rio Fantastic

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got some tiny chinks of blue sky today. it feels like its been raining forever now.

your degree sounds super interesting!! do you have a plan in place for what you're going to do between now and then to help you get well? if so, i'd say go for it. if not, make one, cos just planning not to use any more drugs is why i couldn't quit. when i left rehab they got me to do a daily plan for my first 90 days, which they then made me action the bits i could before i left, it was fucking effort but i stuck to it and i think it helped.

well done on getting 2 weeks in. the depression will lift. or if it doesn't you should see a doctor. it does get it easier, and it doesn't take long before its a hell of a lot easier than using, its good cravings haven't been too bad- they'll wax and wane but overall its a downward trend. though mine went through the roof again at 5 months.

glad you enjoyed the film. i watched minions with my dad last night, was fun. i can only watch children's films cos anything that might have violence against women in it can trigger my ptsd so isn't worth the risk. but i've found out loads of kids films are great!!

how's it going, chinup? Yeah, the interminable rain seems to be slowing down! Thanks for your advice about making an action plan. I've been making daily To-Do lists but hadn't considered extending it out so I have an overall plan to keep me focused, I think I'll try that out! The depression comes & goes - I was SO miserable the day before yesterday, but today it's broken again and I feel OK. I've been reminding myself that this is just my brain adjusting to not being on drugs, and every time the depression hits it is usually gone in a couple of days. It then comes again a few days later, but the point is is that it's not constant or unbearable since I know I never have to wait long for my mood to lift again. It's actually really interesting you say yours peaked again at 5 months - literally exactly 6 months after I stopped when i was in rehab, my depression suddenly came back with a fucking vengeance which happened to happen at the same time all my friends from rehab relapsed and both of those together are what drove me to relapse. Maybe it's something biological if 5/6 months is a common sticking point?

I can kinda relate about movies. When I'm really depressed I can only watch comedy films since everything with conflict or drama in it makes me feel worse. I watched Green Book last night - originally I just thought it was oscar-bait, but turns out it's a really heart-warming and funny film. I'd recommend it to anyone to check out if they get the chance.

Today is day 18 for me, which is actually a milestone since I haven't managed to go more than 17 days all of 2019! I feel pretty good about myself. Next milestone is 43 days, which I haven't done in way way over a year. I'm actually a little confused - I was expecting overwhelming cravings at some point, but the ones I have had have been mild and easily dealt with. I'm trying not to get lulled into a false sense of security, but it's really encouraging! How is everyone doing?
 

somnilicious

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Cograts Rio.... I am also on about day 18. Although I have admittedly used small amounts of Kratom several times. I am going to stop that as it does nothing but dull me and blunt my physical anxiety. I hate the dead inside feeling without excitement or desire to interact with the world it gives me. I have 30gms of phenibut set to arrive Tuesday so I will have to watch that. I really intend on stopping all substances soon but my past experiences with total sobriety after having the bandaid ripped off have given me pause.I so Identify with both your and Chinups experiences in recovery. I have had a little of a year and 9mths over the last 3yrs but I totally went off the rails this last year and a half. I am 38 and a lifetime heroin addict. First use being when I was 17.

The ups and downs experienced during recovery are definitely a roller coaster. The worst part is they come out of no where and for seemingly no reason other than neurochemical inbalance. The chip milestones(esp the 3,6,9 and yr) do seem to bring about the pendulum swings of depression and cravings for some reasonl….and a huge congrats to Chinup. I am so impressed with the way you have handled your recovery(been following your story). It is both inspiring and a reminder of a place I had once been in life and can get back. I also used Na and Aa to get sober. I stopped going after almost 3yrs of constant attendance. I need to go back but unfortunately my own personal insecurities and hangups have gotten in the way.

…. As for the whole God hangup I see you having problems with chinup. It helped me to not think of a being in the sky but rather a kind of benevolent force of the universe. A type of cause and effect if you will. My conception of God really came to encompass philosophical and religious central truths, universal laws(cause and effect-law of attraction) and a hard to define feeling of spiritual faith and awe that slowly developed when I opened my heart to the idea of something greater. I just have this feeling that there is a purpose and meaning to life. I don't know if that helps.
 

Rio Fantastic

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Cograts Rio.... I am also on about day 18. Although I have admittedly used small amounts of Kratom several times. I am going to stop that as it does nothing but dull me and blunt my physical anxiety. I hate the dead inside feeling without excitement or desire to interact with the world it gives me. I have 30gms of phenibut set to arrive Tuesday so I will have to watch that. I really intend on stopping all substances soon but my past experiences with total sobriety after having the bandaid ripped off have given me pause.I so Identify with both your and Chinups experiences in recovery. I have had a little of a year and 9mths over the last 3yrs but I totally went off the rails this last year and a half. I am 38 and a lifetime heroin addict. First use being when I was 17.

The ups and downs experienced during recovery are definitely a roller coaster. The worst part is they come out of no where and for seemingly no reason other than neurochemical inbalance. The chip milestones(esp the 3,6,9 and yr) do seem to bring about the pendulum swings of depression and cravings for some reasonl….and a huge congrats to Chinup. I am so impressed with the way you have handled your recovery(been following your story). It is both inspiring and a reminder of a place I had once been in life and can get back. I also used Na and Aa to get sober. I stopped going after almost 3yrs of constant attendance. I need to go back but unfortunately my own personal insecurities and hangups have gotten in the way.

…. As for the whole God hangup I see you having problems with chinup. It helped me to not think of a being in the sky but rather a kind of benevolent force of the universe. A type of cause and effect if you will. My conception of God really came to encompass philosophical and religious central truths, universal laws(cause and effect-law of attraction) and a hard to define feeling of spiritual faith and awe that slowly developed when I opened my heart to the idea of something greater. I just have this feeling that there is a purpose and meaning to life. I don't know if that helps.

Thanks for the congratulations. It's cool that our recovery times are synced up! I hope we both continue to keep wracking up the clean time! Am I reading you right - you had a whole year and a half clean? What happened man?

That's interesting about the chip times corresponding with neurochemical imbalances. There seems to be some truth in that. And yeah, chinup's story is wonderful - it's inspiring to hear when other people are really doing it.

I'm sure that a sense of wonder and awe at a belief in God can be a huge asset in recovery. When I was in rehab for 6 months I really did honestly try the 12 steps, and I was desperately trying to cultivate a faith in God. I tried to honestly pray, reach out and tell myself I believed, and I tried all the usual substitutions like "power of the group" or "spirit of nature" or "force in the universe" etc but I just couldn't manufacture a faith in something that I didn't believe in, no matter how hard I tried. The cognitive dissonance in professing and trying to have this belief in God and the inner truth that I just didn't no matter how hard I was trying ended up coming back to bite me when the depression hit and I relapsed in my 6th month sober. This time I'm trying SMART recovery and am feeling much better about it and am finding it to be of much more practical value, but different strokes for different folks! How have you been recently??
 

somnilicious

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Good mornin' from Flori-duh, the dumbshine state of 'Merica, Rio...…. Tis' cool we are synced up like sober buddies. I had a good day yesterday, although I took a little more phenibut than I probably should have playing around with dosages but I got my first night of deep sleep. I am awake feeling refreshed, drinking coffee and ready to face the day without that over riding sense of fear and trepidation sitting on my chest.

This time getting sober is going to be extremely difficult. I am on probation for a DUI I received so I have a lot of fees. I totaled my car a couple of weeks ago and I live a little in the country, so I am totally dependent on my parents to give me a ride to find a job. I also just picked up a felony charge and I am still waiting to see what happens with this. I try not to focus on all these problems and instead try to remain solution oriented but they pop up and cause problems quite often. I really can't believe I got myself in this position and I am finding it difficult to find a job because of all my recent charges but I shall overcome. I have always had a way of turning lemons into lemonade. As long as I project positive vibes out into the world and keep moving forward. I know I'm going to fall into something good. Life is all about perspective.

I didn't get the whole "God" thing at first either. I totally get the whole cognitive dissidence. I felt this way for almost my entire first year of sobriety and I still battle it to this day. Faith isn't something that just happens. It's an exercise and it takes work. I took a good hard look at my life and realized that all the challenges, perils and pitfalls that I had thought were curses, were actually the miracle of God working in my life. I have been addicted to heroin for over 20yrs and in that time I have overdosed, Narcan style, a dozen or so times. I have been in 6 major car accidents caused by my addiction, in which I totaled my car and walked out of without a scratch. I had a girlfriend, who overdosed and died next to me in bed 13yrs ago and the cops were going to bring charges against me for her death. I have had a gun pointed at my head twice. I tried to commit suicide several times and was saved each time..... so I have stared death in the eyes many times. Why am I still here? I absolutely should not be alive and there is a reason even if it's up to me to create it. Now whether that implies that I am actually God or not remains a question and I think it retains a bit of truth. You see I believe that God is inside each and everyone of us. Just as God created the universe, he also instilled inside of us the power of creation. We have the power to create our own world... the world within and without.... "Perspective". One day I simply decided to stop questioning, let go and accept faith. Why? Simply because living a life of faith created more good in my live than wallowing in the doubt and once I did miracles started to slowly happen and I was able to see God in the mundane.

I'll tell you a little story that I have shared here on bluelight before. About 2yrs ago I had 9mths clean and I became completely obsessed and hung up on this girl. I let the unrequited love simmer into a deep statement of my value and worth in the world. I entertained all these negatives emotions of self, ego and desire until I decided I was going to kill myself. I went over to tell my best friend of my intentions and then I left to drive halfway across the state to obtain the heroin for which I planned to overdose on. At one point, while driving down the highway, I decided to cry out in despair to God for help. I was dictating the suicide post that I was going to post on Facebook in my head, when I said "God if you are there change my mind, enter my heart, do anything to stop me". Nothing happened.... so I kept driving. All of a sudden I woke up as I'm driving off the highway and crashing into a light post at 70mph. The car wound up about 50 yards down the road from the light post I had knocked over and the car was completely totaled. I got up and walked out without a scratch on my body. I knew immediately that a power greater than myself had intervened but was I grateful in that moment? No..... I was angry at God for still being alive. That gratitude didn't come till later.


The 12 step programs absolutely helped. At one point I stopped looking for what the program could give me and started looking for what I could give. When I started reaching out to all the poor unfortunate souls that were struggling along with me I realized I have something miraculous deep inside to share with the world. That connection with others brought a deep sense of belonging and understanding that I had lacked. I started questioning all my values and views on life. What was it all about? Before I had thought sobriety was getting a good job, a car, a girlfriend and other possessions that would feed the ego and signify to others that I had arrived but that was all unfulfilling. It was all bullshit. A false façade that barely scratched the surface of life and obstructed the freedom of the soul. It was at this point I realized what the AA book had been talking about in regards to being imprisoned within the "bondage of self". God was revealed within the eyes of others. Love was probably my first higher power(and still a part of it) and I realized, to paraphrase the Beatles, that the love you give is equal to the love you take..... except these gifts came back ten fold..... Since that first opening God and faith has become an ever evolving concept. It is very much a living thing more real to me than the false constructs that most people create about the world as they walk around blind "living lives of quiet desperation".

To answer your question I have had two separate stints of sobriety... one a little over a year and the other 9mths. Time to seize the day. May life be a blessing to you my friend Rio.....

I'll leave you with a couple of quotes that I like......

"Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from indomitable will." -Ghandi
"He who has a why can bear almost any how." -Nietzsche
"God didn't bring me this far to leave me."..... Don't know....lol..... but "more will be revealed".

Much love brother Rio from Somniland...
 

Rio Fantastic

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Thanks for sharing your experience, somni. It's quite the story! I'm glad you seem to have hit on something that's working for you. I particularly liked "As long as I project positive vibes out into the world and keep moving forward. I know I'm going to fall into something good. Life is all about perspective." It seems to me that this viewpoint doesn't need a higher power to implement and truly believe in, and I'm going to meditate on it. I love your quotes as well. How old are you, somni? What kind of work are you looking for? Also, what's with the phenibut if you're trying to get sober?? I personally believe there's no problem using substances in recovery if you can definitely manage them and they aren't negatively affecting your life (which is why I'm on bupe for the time being) but doesn't AA disapprove pretty strongly of all substances except (for no clear logical reason) caffeine & tobacco??

I had an awful evening last night. I'd done everything I wanted to in the day - saw a friend, had a great time with him, went for a run, meditated, did some cleaning, did some SMART work, and then just this wave of depression & exhaustion hit me in the evening. I ended up discounting my diet plan for the day and went to get some fried food instead of cooking the healthy meal I had planned and bought the ingredients for since I was hungry as well as exhausted and depressed, but then just felt worse about myself after having it. I'm trying not to beat myself up for it though - after all, what's a little fast food when compared to the heroin & crack I was injecting not 3 weeks ago?

Hope everyone is doing well.
 

Captain.Heroin

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I can't wait to just feel normal again and not have to worry about sinking back into depression FOR NO FUCKING REASON!
There is a neurological reason behind it, though I understood what you meant (reason as in, a practical/mental reason for being depressed vs. neurochemistry).

Genuinely, what happens is mu-opioid receptors get over-expressed, endogenous endorphins are suppressed, and this leaves you feeling terrible. There is a reason for it, it's not your fault, and it will get better with time.

Learning patience with myself was one of the hardest things I ever had to do regarding waiting for PAWS-type depression to go away. It took about a year.

When I'm really depressed I can only watch comedy films since everything with conflict or drama in it makes me feel worse.
I can relate to this, and the summer time is especially hard for me when SNL, The Simpsons, Family Guy, etc. go off the air for months at a time.
 

Rio Fantastic

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There is a neurological reason behind it, though I understood what you meant (reason as in, a practical/mental reason for being depressed vs. neurochemistry).

Genuinely, what happens is mu-opioid receptors get over-expressed, endogenous endorphins are suppressed, and this leaves you feeling terrible. There is a reason for it, it's not your fault, and it will get better with time.

Learning patience with myself was one of the hardest things I ever had to do regarding waiting for PAWS-type depression to go away. It took about a year.

Thanks so much for this. Part of me knew that what's happening is just my neurochemistry healing, but it's so easy to lose sight of that and start blaming myself for feeling depressed and start seeking out reasons to justify how I feel rather than just chalking it up to the obvious that it's just my brain repairing. It's not my fault! Haha, I feel like you're Robin Williams in "Good Will Hunting" right now. I've been such a cunt to you in the past for no reason when I was high yet here you are giving me advice and being helpful AF. I feel like such a dick. Same with ahfl - I had conflict with him over the stupidest reason that was 100% my fault, and now out of nowhere the guy is DEAD. It's really made me rethink how I talk to people online. Do you know wtf happened to him?? He was a long-time AA member and sober right??

Thanks a lot for your help anyway CH. How have you been?
 

Captain.Heroin

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Yeah it took me a while to realize life is short and it’s more enjoyable with friends and what not. I was a rather (and can still be) salty individual in my past so it’s ok.

I’m battling grief and depression. I’m at a point in my life where meaning of life is highly elusive. So I’ve been better. But I can expect that I’ll be like this for a while because of recent events.
 

chinup

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hey hey how are you guys doing?



somni- that is super flattering!! and its nice to know that sharing experiences can be helpful to others. beats going through hell for no reason!! well done on getting back on it. and if you’ve done it before you know you can do it again, and hopefully have some insight about where you went wrong last time so you can build a stronger recovery this time.



that thing about a higher power being a benevolent force is easier for me- i’m doing this therapy course at the drugs services and when i discussed it with the lady running it she asked- ‘well do you believe in a force for evil,’ to which i do, namely what humanity is capable of, and when i said yes, she said ‘well you must believe in a force for good.’ i’m ok with that its just i have to do some mental gymnastics cos really i just believe in the universe, and i know enough about physics to know the universe doesn’t have a will for me. after a run of awesome stuff happening that i could never have expected, i’m finding it easier to hand my life over to * not me* i just take it back again quickly then hand it over in a massive cycle. Rio you’re def right about not being able to manufacture faith that just isn’t there.

there’s aspects of religion i actively don’t like. knowing i’ll die and that’s it has been of great comfort to me forever. i can’t imagine anything worse than eternal life. if it was necessary to have faith in all the metaphysical shit people bring into their talk about the god of their understanding i’d be well one.

rio- honestly do not beat yourself up about some fried food! fuck it i ate an entire pack of mini eggs in like 5 minutes earlier. trying to resist shit like that is not worth it. there’s a thing called ego fatigue, basically you have finite willpower, if you waste it all not eating some shit then when a craving hits you’ve got less in reserve (this is also why willpower alone doesn’t work). unfortunately i’m still using that excuse and i haven’t even had a hint of a craving for a couple of weeks now but fuck it. it IS better than banging w+b. you’re doing really well. as long as you’re not eating crap all the time, cos then you’ll feel crap all the time and that probably isn’t good for your chances of long term sobriety.

i’m going a bit nuts about starting my job next week. panic is setting in so instead of doing anything i should be doing i’ve been playing video games none stop when i’m at home cos time to think is sending me insane right now!!!

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edit: also, re diet. i was given fuckloads of b vitamins in rehab cos apparently crack damages your nerves. i've kept it up a couple times a week since i left and i'm sure i feel more tired if i don't have them for a bit. can't do any harm as they're water soluble so you just get fluorescent piss from what your body didn't need.
 
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Rio Fantastic

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that thing about a higher power being a benevolent force is easier for me- i’m doing this therapy course at the drugs services and when i discussed it with the lady running it she asked- ‘well do you believe in a force for evil,’ to which i do, namely what humanity is capable of, and when i said yes, she said ‘well you must believe in a force for good.’ i’m ok with that its just i have to do some mental gymnastics cos really i just believe in the universe, and i know enough about physics to know the universe doesn’t have a will for me. after a run of awesome stuff happening that i could never have expected, i’m finding it easier to hand my life over to * not me* i just take it back again quickly then hand it over in a massive cycle. Rio you’re def right about not being able to manufacture faith that just isn’t there.

there’s aspects of religion i actively don’t like. knowing i’ll die and that’s it has been of great comfort to me forever. i can’t imagine anything worse than eternal life. if it was necessary to have faith in all the metaphysical shit people bring into their talk about the god of their understanding i’d be well one.

That is one (among many) of the factors that put me off AA/NA!! It's a motte-and-bailey - they will assure you not to be put off by "God", because it doesn't have to be any kind of benevolent entity or an anthropomorphic higher power and you can have your conception of God be nature or the force of life or whatever, but then when these same people share they say things like "My God is looking out for me", "My God wants me to...." and make it obvious that their idea of God has much more similarity with the Christian God than the extended definition of higher power that they try and reassure you with, & I could never understand how I was supposed to hand my will over to nature or any kind of passive force. How can I hand my decision making process over to a passive non-conscious concept? It just didn't work for me, but I encourage anyone who it does work for to keep it up. We can only make decisions about what works for us personally and not sweeping generalisations about what method is better or worse.

rio- honestly do not beat yourself up about some fried food! fuck it i ate an entire pack of mini eggs in like 5 minutes earlier. trying to resist shit like that is not worth it. there’s a thing called ego fatigue, basically you have finite willpower, if you waste it all not eating some shit then when a craving hits you’ve got less in reserve (this is also why willpower alone doesn’t work). unfortunately i’m still using that excuse and i haven’t even had a hint of a craving for a couple of weeks now but fuck it. it IS better than banging w+b. you’re doing really well. as long as you’re not eating crap all the time, cos then you’ll feel crap all the time and that probably isn’t good for your chances of long term sobriety.

Thanks for the encouragement! You're exactly right. I did a bit better last night, cooking myself a meal but then still overindulged with chocolate afterwards. I'm going to make a concerted effort to moderate junk food, since the mentality of "perfectly healthy or nothing but junk" will drive me insane at the moment and is counter-productive! You're totally right that I shouldn't add a whole bunch of temptations to arbitrarily restrict when I should be focusing on resisting drugs, which is a much higher priority!

I'm in a similar position regarding cravings - I have had minor ones here and there, but I haven't had the overpowering white-knuckle obsessive ones yet, so I'm trying to be vigilant about not getting complacent, because I know they will come eventually!

i’m going a bit nuts about starting my job next week. panic is setting in so instead of doing anything i should be doing i’ve been playing video games none stop when i’m at home cos time to think is sending me insane right now!!!

----------------

edit: also, re diet. i was given fuckloads of b vitamins in rehab cos apparently crack damages your nerves. i've kept it up a couple times a week since i left and i'm sure i feel more tired if i don't have them for a bit. can't do any harm as they're water soluble so you just get fluorescent piss from what your body didn't need.

That's awesome chinup, where will you be working?? I wouldn't worry about relaxing before starting your job, you've done the hard work of finding and securing a job and you have the process of assimilating into it and picking up the role ahead of you, so I wouldn't stress about taking a little time for yourself in between. Best to start it feeling rested & peaceful rather than stressed and over-worked! Thanks for the suggestion about B-vitamins - I've been taking a muiltivitamin and I have in the past taken B-vitamins along with Omega-3 and I did definitely notice a difference in my energy levels and mood but I'd forgotten all about it, I'll have to order some. How are you doing today, chinup?

I've been OK today. I woke up in that weird slightly sad, apathetic mood that comes on sometimes, but since I've forced myself to do the things I wanted to do today (before my shift at work, which is a close so I won't finish till midnight, urgh) I find myself starting to feel better. Meditation especially is helping me a lot. I have 3 days off after tonight that I'm looking forward to, I find myself getting impatient with my own mood swings and position in life. It's all too easy to forget the reason that I'm where I am is because of the years of drug abuse and pretty tricky to consistently practice forgiving myself and just being kinder to me. I need to extend myself the same compassion I'd give to any other addict trying to recover. How is everyone else today?
 

somnilicious

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I will answer and respond to a lot of what has been said in this thread later... Unfortunately a had a very long and detailed post typed out when it was somehow inadvertently erased. I'm much too exhausted to type out a response at the moment.
 
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