Recovery My cliché recovery journal

[somnilicious]

Hey Rio.... Good to have you back. I too have been relapsing but it hasn't been a straight binge, I have been rotating between LSD, San Pedro cactus and pot which, I don't see as a big problem but I also just recently relapsed and started using heroin every 3 or so days, this went on for a couple of weeks. Then I took kratom for a few days. I am on day 4 completely clean from opiate type drugs but I wasn't really strung out. It still fucked up my sleep and hormones however. I have lost a lot of weight. I really want to be healthy and I have a lot of legal stuff to tie up this month. Feeling really stressed and I am trying to get my inspiration back.

 

[Rio Fantastic]

Hey Rio.... Good to have you back. I too have been relapsing but it hasn't been a straight binge, I have been rotating between LSD, San Pedro cactus and pot which, I don't see as a big problem but I also just recently relapsed and started using heroin every 3 or so days, this went on for a couple of weeks. Then I took kratom for a few days. I am on day 4 completely clean from opiate type drugs but I wasn't really strung out. It still fucked up my sleep and hormones however. I have lost a lot of weight. I really want to be healthy and I have a lot of legal stuff to tie up this month. Feeling really stressed and I am trying to get my inspiration back.

Haha, my sober day count always seems to correlate with someone on here, it's really nice. I agree that the psychedelics wouldn't be problematic in and of themselves, but do you think they had any role in your relapse? I am also trying to find inspiration - the abject horror at how dark my relapse got in the past few months will wear off, and I need to find motivation to continue and stick with it this time. This lapse has just emphasised that I give up all conscious control when I decide to use drugs - I always set out to make them a day or two, and sometimes they are, but sometimes they are weeks or, like this one, months. One time I will lapse and it will be years, or it could be my last relapse because it kills me. We both need sobriety & health, friend. At least we're still trying!

 

[Jabberwocky]

Good luck Rio. I've been wondering the past month whether recovery really is better than using so its useful to be reminded how quick it goes to shit

Somni id have the odd period of using every 3 days cos it was the max I could do without a full on rattle. I was sick all the time, just low level. It always ended up back with full time using within a month or 2, either I just caved or I did more than I should have one day and woke up properly ill. Well done for getting to day 4 instead of reverting to a full blown habit.

I'll post more when my new computer comes its an arse on my phone. Sorry I dont have anything really positive to say.

 

[Rio Fantastic]

Day 5. Still clean. I had my 2nd real opportunity to use last night - my friend had to have his money put into my account, and offered to let me skim some off the top of it for helping him out. The minute my bank balance went from nothing to £290 I was really tempted, but before I even had a chance to think about it I sent it all to him and told him he doesn't owe me anything. I feel really good about that decision today, and it's given me more hope that I can get some serious clean time and finally crack this. I've even found myself looking forward to a sober Christmas and turning everything around before the new year and then going into 2020 totally clean. A new decade, a new me and all that jazz - leave the drugs in my past. I know that I will have mood swings & depression in the next few weeks - it always happens when I get sober - but I feel prepared for it. I'm ready for an uphill battle, but I want sobriety more than anything after the darkness of the last 3 months.

How's everyone else doing? And yeah chinup, it's funny how we forget the misery so quickly whilst the memory of those initial highs only seems to get more vivid, but I can definitely attest to the fact that each lapse is russian roulette, for me at least - will this lapse be a day or two or months & months down the drain? SO not worth it.

 

[somnilicious]

I'm doing great. It's day 5 for me as well. I'm also looking forward to a Christmas free of a hard drugs. I say that because I believe my psychadelic use has definitely been beneficial. I don't feel dead inside like I usually do when I quit heroin. I am probably going to start microdosing LSD for paws and depression. I took a quarter hit of low dose acid the other day and I was impressed by how ingaged in life I felt. Everything sparkled with a fullfiling sense of love and magic and this lasted well into the next few days.

I have been a heroin addict for 20yrs and I have been doing different versions of sobriety and this every few days use of heroin for the last 3. I just can't seem to escape and my mindset was getting worse. I needed these psychadelic experiences. I have to do something drastic. Some people take Bupe or methadone but I already drank the pink juice for 10yrs. I want to be totally free of opiates because they dull me and make me apathetic. Microdosing is my new experiment. To answer your question Rio.. No , psyches aren't making me use. It is actually quite the opposite. Pot however is a slippery slope.

@chinup... Sorry to hear that you're having such a hard time. I absolutely adore you Chinup and I wish I could say something to make your life more fullfiling. I totally remember how I felt at a year clean and it was rough. Everyone told me to hang on and that the phase would pass. I see all the people who toughed it out and now have great lives, full of friends, success, activities and joyous freedom and I get so mad at myself for giving in and deconstructing all the forward progress I made and making my situation so much worse. Hang in there. It always gets worse when you go back

After 20yrs of this bullshit and the infinite PAWS.. It is time to do something different. I am excited about life and I am definitely going to microdosed to give me the push to reframe and change my life. I'm tired of this opiated hell... Love u guys. Stay strong and keep your Chinup...lol...

@Rio Fantastic... Congrats on overcoming the sudden influx of cash craving. Those are difficult in early recovery... I'm glad I have a new time partner to share sobriety with.

Us 3 have to stick together. There is power in #'s. I am so glad that you are both back. Stay!! We can do this... Fuck heroin.

 

[Rio Fantastic]

Me too somni! I think we could make quite the team!

I'm a little conflicted about last night and would like some opinions. I'm still clean from drugs, but I got really depressed last night and ended up buying and killing a 6-pack of beer. On the one hand, I have never had a problem with alcohol (the thought of drinking the day after I've been drunk repulses me physically) and it didn't lead to anything particularly bad. However, I like the simplicity and "purity" of just being on 2mg of subutex and nothing else, and I feel like if I get used to solving my emotional problems with a substance then it won't be long before alcohol will not hit the spot, or I'll get drunk one night and decide to score (its happened many times before). It did what I wanted it to - I got a buzz, felt better, went to sleep, and unlike if I take drugs where I'm guaranteed to wake up feeling awful the next day and obsessing over more, I woke up this morning and just got on with my day, none the worse for wear. I won't let this lead me to complacency about it though, so I've decided to leave alcohol be for the foreseeable future. I sure as fuck am not resetting my clean time counter over it tho - I haven't used in 6 days, and that's something to be positive about.

 

[Rio Fantastic]

I'm doing great. It's day 5 for me as well. I'm also looking forward to a Christmas free of a hard drugs. I say that because I believe my psychadelic use has definitely been beneficial. I don't feel dead inside like I usually do when I quit heroin. I am probably going to start microdosing LSD for paws and depression. I took a quarter hit of low dose acid the other day and I was impressed by how ingaged in life I felt. Everything sparkled with a fullfiling sense of love and magic and this lasted well into the next few days.

I have been a heroin addict for 20yrs and I have been doing different versions of sobriety and this every few days use of heroin for the last 3. I just can't seem to escape and my mindset was getting worse. I needed these psychadelic experiences. I have to do something drastic. Some people take Bupe or methadone but I already drank the pink juice for 10yrs. I want to be totally free of opiates because they dull me and make me apathetic. Microdosing is my new experiment. To answer your question Rio.. No , psyches aren't making me use. It is actually quite the opposite. Pot however is a slippery slope.

@chinup... Sorry to hear that you're having such a hard time. I absolutely adore you Chinup and I wish I could say something to make your life more fullfiling. I totally remember how I felt at a year clean and it was rough. Everyone told me to hang on and that the phase would pass. I see all the people who toughed it out and now have great lives, full of friends, success, activities and joyous freedom and I get so mad at myself for giving in and deconstructing all the forward progress I made and making my situation so much worse. Hang in there. It always gets worse when you go back ❤❤❤

After 20yrs of this bullshit and the infinite PAWS.. It is time to do something different. I am excited about life and I am definitely going to microdosed to give me the push to reframe and change my life. I'm tired of this opiated hell... Love u guys. Stay strong and keep your Chinup...lol...

@Rio Fantastic... Congrats on overcoming the sudden influx of cash craving. Those are difficult in early recovery... I'm glad I have a new time partner to share sobriety with.

Us 3 have to stick together. There is power in #'s. I am so glad that you are both back. Stay!! We can do this... Fuck heroin.

So just so I have this right, have you been chipping and managing to avoid physical dependency again? if so, kudos! I've never managed it. Chipping and then stopping before you're dependent will leave you in a great position to get sober. I've long been interested in microdosing psychedelics, but unfortunately don't have the financial means to acquire them at the moment. Have you done it many times? I imagine it would be a fantastic treatment for PAWs and a pretty healthy coping mechanism. I totally understand that feeling of wanting to be free from chemical dependency entirely - that's why I feel guilty about drinking last night, even though I got away "unscathed" this time.

 

[somnilicious]

So just so I have this right, have you been chipping and managing to avoid physical dependency again? if so, kudos! I've never managed it. Chipping and then stopping before you're dependent will leave you in a great position to get sober. I've long been interested in microdosing psychedelics, but unfortunately don't have the financial means to acquire them at the moment. Have you done it many times? I imagine it would be a fantastic treatment for PAWs and a pretty healthy coping mechanism. I totally understand that feeling of wanting to be free from chemical dependency entirely - that's why I feel guilty about drinking last night, even though I got away "unscathed" this time.

Yeah.... Ive been chipping basically for the last few years, though at times it was every 2-3 days during relapses. I have since scaled it back but it popped up again 5 or so days the last couple of times. It still leaves me feeling wrecked though. This shit they sell in America now is heinous, Its like Fent with a longer half life or something. I still feel some withdrawals at about the 72-100hr mark and once you fall into a routine of any kind with this shit your body gets used to that dosing schedule. I'm tired of spending the money and the emotional energy.

I wouldn't worry about the beer too much but it can definitely become a problem. I hate alcohol though I do admit to using every now and then when I am particularly wound up. I always feel so unhealthy after drinking. It definitely takes a toll on the body. I'm not supposed to drink at all anyways because of Hep-c, so usually if I ever a drink. I stop at a couple.

I have only microdosed once but I was surprised by the positive effects I experienced from the experience even dosing it the day after I had tripped. I figured I could afford to spend the money, even though I really can't but I have been spending $40 or so dollars for every 3rd day relapse on dope. Why not just microdose on that every 3rd day? I had to pay too much for these hits I have now but it's money better spent for sure. My friend, who used to be a meth head swears by it.

 

[Rio Fantastic]

Yeah.... Ive been chipping basically for the last few years, though at times it was every 2-3 days during relapses. I have since scaled it back but it popped up again 5 or so days the last couple of times. It still leaves me feeling wrecked though. This shit they sell in America now is heinous, Its like Fent with a longer half life or something. I still feel some withdrawals at about the 72-100hr mark and once you fall into a routine of any kind with this shit your body gets used to that dosing schedule. I'm tired of spending the money and the emotional energy.

I wouldn't worry about the beer too much but it can definitely become a problem. I hate alcohol though I do admit to using every now and then when I am particularly wound up. I always feel so unhealthy after drinking. It definitely takes a toll on the body. I'm not supposed to drink at all anyways because of Hep-c, so usually if I ever a drink. I stop at a couple.

I have only microdosed once but I was surprised by the positive effects I experienced from the experience even dosing it the day after I had tripped. I figured I could afford to spend the money, even though I really can't but I have been spending $40 or so dollars for every 3rd day relapse on dope. Why not just microdose on that every 3rd day? I had to pay too much for these hits I have now but it's money better spent for sure. My friend, who used to be a meth head swears by it.

How did full blown psychedelic trips treat you when using sporadically? I loved acid the three times I tried it, but every time I've smoked weed in the past couple of years it's put me into an awful, depressed headspace and I worry that psychedelics would be the same if I were to try them, and I don't think I could handle a bad trip with such little sobriety under my belt without seriously risking a relapse.

 

[somnilicious]

How did full blown psychedelic trips treat you when using sporadically? I loved acid the three times I tried it, but every time I've smoked weed in the past couple of years it's put me into an awful, depressed headspace and I worry that psychedelics would be the same if I were to try them, and I don't think I could handle a bad trip with such little sobriety under my belt without seriously risking a relapse.

I love psychedelics... I haven't even come close to a negative experience with LSD since I resumed tripping after not doing it for almost 20yrs. I used to trip quite often 20yrs ago. I wouldn't recommend anyone jump into experimenting with psychedelics for addiction but with that being said, I believe they have definitely been a positive in my life. I would much rather take a tab than do some dope. Its not even a question; I enjoy the psychedelic experience much more and it has definitely made me feel much more alive, connected and it has given me the energy and guidance to start initiating change. I don't know that's just me but I highly value the psychedelic experience.

Keep your head up brother.

 

[Oceans]

I relate to a lot of what you’ve said above ... not much advice I can give since you are far fitter than me on this long road ... all I can send is my positive thoughts and energy to you I absofuckinglutelyyyy hope the best for you in the journey as well. As well as an ear or 2 if you ever need to vent

 

[Rio Fantastic]

I love psychedelics... I haven't even come close to a negative experience with LSD since I resumed tripping after not doing it for almost 20yrs. I used to trip quite often 20yrs ago. I wouldn't recommend anyone jump into experimenting with psychedelics for addiction but with that being said, I believe they have definitely been a positive in my life. I would much rather take a tab than do some dope. Its not even a question; I enjoy the psychedelic experience much more and it has definitely made me feel much more alive, connected and it has given me the energy and guidance to start initiating change. I don't know that's just me but I highly value the psychedelic experience.

Keep your head up brother.

Thanks somni! I definitely didn't experiment with pxychedelics enough to say that I will never do them again, but I'd love to use them as tools from a place of sobriety & positivity to aid me further down the road. Need some sober stability first though!

I relate to a lot of what you’ve said above ... not much advice I can give since you are far fitter than me on this long road ... all I can send is my positive thoughts and energy to you I absofuckinglutelyyyy hope the best for you in the journey as well. As well as an ear or 2 if you ever need to vent

I doubt I'm doing much better than you! I'm only on day 7. I spent last Friday shoplifting, scoring crack + heroin, using it all, then going out and doing it again. That's literally how I spent all last Friday. It's a miracle I wasn't caught. What's your DOC? What's your situation like?? We're all in the same boat. That's why I love this recovery forum and why I hope it doesn't die - it's a little concerning that there was no general thread these past couple months till somni started it. Does anyone know whats going on with CH?

Anyway, today has been a pretty good day so far. I was depressed again last night, but fortunately my mood is so volatile that I never have to wait long to feel better. Of course, it's a double edged sword since when I'm in a good mood I don't have to wait long to get depressed again, but I'd rather have this mood rollercoaster then just constant depression - if that was the case, I doubt I'd ever have a chance of getting clean! I'm feeling better this morning.

I think one thing that has aided me in this last week is not trying to take on too much at once. I have a job which I'm holding down, but usually when I get clean I spend a few days adjusting, then immediately try and take on not just recovery but exercise, a good diet, meditation, writing, a tight financial budget, paying off all my debts etc. Basically, I try and improve everything at once immediately. Self improvement is great, but I watched a video on changing habits and it emphasized to focus on one area at a time and it gave me a little "Aha" moment. I can't do all that other positive stuff unless I'm clean. I can't do ANYTHING if I'm not clean, so I need to spend a while focusing on recovery. The other stuff can wait till I have a foundation of sobriety to work from. Trying to fix a million things at once has stressed me out and led to relapse enough times - recovery is my main priority, so I'm spending my time looking up recovery inspiration, challenging my using thoughts, and going to meetings.

Going back to what was my main SMART meeting tonight and really looking forward to it. I'm even going to give NA meetings another try this weekend. I'm going to explore SMART and NA again and see which one seems to be helping me more, but god knows I could use the support from where ever it comes.

How are you guys doing??

 

[Rio Fantastic]

Hey guys.

I am making myself check in to stay accountable and log my progress. 8 days off of hard drugs with just 1 evening of drinking and 2mg of subutex - compared to three months prior of using heroin and crack every day without fail, I can say I'm quite proud of myself! On the wall opposite me I have two calendars that have a box for each day. There's one for this year and below it is the 2018 one. I put a green tick in every day I didn't use and a black cross for days I did use, and have accurately tracked it since last year, so I can compare my progress and see how I'm doing. The time since mid July is shocking - scattered green ticks among a sea of black crosses that represent using. One thing that interests me is comparing this year to last - last November I had also just come off a relapsing cycle, but I spent all of last November sober. I don't know what it is about November that encourages me to get sober - coincidence? some kind of biochemical rhythm? circumstantial? something to do with the season change? - but it's a common time for me to be getting clean.

It's unusual though since on the surface I would have assumed the reverse. I always feel better in Spring/Summer, and I tend towards seasonal depression in Autumn/Winter, but that's the time I tend to get clean. Who the fuck knows? The point is though that I was 8 days ahead of myself this time last year, and ended up relapsing December 15th, so if I stay clean till December 23rd I'll finally be ahead of myself in terms of progress. Speaking of progress, I definitely see that I'm making it. My head is clearing, and with it comes some difficulties - a clearer head means I can more easily see the mess I've made off my life. and getting my emotions back means I have to take the joy of listening to music with the gloomy reflection over what I've been doing to myself and my family, but I am not letting it drag me down.

I went to that SMART meeting last night, and though it's usually a busy group nobody turned up except me and the facilitator this time, but I am still really glad I went. The guy is over three years sober, and that's despite him going through A LOT of bad shit at the moment - he's fallen out with his kids, getting divorced, super stressful job etc - and if he can do it, then I know i can! It's a cold, misty and miserable day here in the UK, and if I don't stay mindful my thinking keeps bending towards euphoric recall, but every time I've noticed it I consciously remind myself of how awful the last 3 months has been and it's kept using thoughts at bay. Overall, I'm doing well. Glad I have this community to lean on, and writing this out makes me feel better even if it isn't read! Crazy how journalling helps you organize the chaos inside our mind.

 

[Rio Fantastic]

Just checking in. Hope everyone is doing well. Day 9 over here, and I'm having that weird kind of day I get in early sobriety where I don't feel UNHAPPY or depressed, but I don't feel good at all either. Just totally apathetic and numb. However, it's not awful - I just feel real neutral about everything. Using my To-Do list to get through it. I have a shift at work later, and I hope my mood lifts by then - I hate going to work when I'm in on one of these bad moods, I much prefer going when I'm in a happy, bubbly mood since it involves dealing with co-workers and customers for the whole 8 hours. I've used a bad shift at work before as an excuse to use, but cravings - despite mood swings - have been noticeably absent the past couple of days. However, I know I need to be alert. I know cravings can sneak up on me and then become overwhelming in the blink of an eye, and all I want to do is stay clean!

I'm going to a group run by the recovery network near me called "Foundations for Change". It's a class I've started before, but always relapsed and never bothered to finish it, but looking forward to getting back into an environment full of people focused on recovery. I hope this weird apathy lifts before then, but even if it doesn't - I'll be OK. How is everyone else?

 

[Jabberwocky]

Yo rio glad you're doing well even if you feel shit. Its still a pain for me to post but will ve properly online again tomorrow hopefully so will write more then.

I did foundations if its the same as cgls up here, I missed change cos my key worker figured I'd covered it in rehab. Since you've been to rehab you'll probably find nothing new. Growth was ok but honestly sitting with a load of druggies who arent that intelligent but like the sound of their own voice is a chore, our facilitator was great. Life was anazing, a lot really hit home and I felt a real change in me.

 

[Rio Fantastic]

Yo rio glad you're doing well even if you feel shit. Its still a pain for me to post but will ve properly online again tomorrow hopefully so will write more then.

I did foundations if its the same as cgls up here, I missed change cos my key worker figured I'd covered it in rehab. Since you've been to rehab you'll probably find nothing new. Growth was ok but honestly sitting with a load of druggies who arent that intelligent but like the sound of their own voice is a chore, our facilitator was great. Life was anazing, a lot really hit home and I felt a real change in me.

To be honest I really enjoyed it! One of the central parts of the session was just the facilitator leading a discussion where we went round the group listing the negative consequences of our addiction. I could relate to most of what people were saying, and it really hit home that I'm literally INSANE if I make the conscious decision to use again despite the giant list of consequences. I'm also finally starting to feel better today - I sent money to my Mum last night that I could have used with, and have finally hit double digits. I am getting excited for sobriety again rather than seeing every day as this battle that I have to get through. The feeling of self-deprivation waxes and wanes but I am definitely improving overall. I will not let myself get complacent though - I have relapsed too many times now to not realize that though I feel good now, it can all come crumbling down if I'm not vigilant, and that depression/mood swings/cravings are going to plague me for some time still. I am working on trying to accept the depressions/bad moods and enjoy the good ones without attaching too much to either. If I get attached to the positive mood then depressions throw me off kilter way more, whereas if I attach to the depression then I can linger in it rather than let my mood lift. Can't wait for stability, but I'm willing to go through anything if it means I can avoid months like I've just had.

Today I'm pretty good. Got a few tasks to do then I'm going to go and see Joker later. It's about time I took advantage of the fact I can go see movies for free whenever I want and I don't want to miss this one waiting for my drug addict friends to get their shit together enough to accompany me. How are you doing chinup??

 

[Rio Fantastic]

So last night & today I've been reminded of why I've never been much of a drinker. A minor inconvenience and a change to my plans frustrated me and so I ended up getting a bunch of beer and settling in to get hammered by myself. The last time I did it a few days ago it was just the pick me up I needed - the alcohol cut through my depression completely and really lifted my mood and it felt surprisingly good. This time, not so much. There were moments of that familiar giddy joy that alcohol can bring but they were few and far between and almost exclusively occurring only with the first few drinks. As I got more drunk I just feel sloppy & gross, and while it's not unpleasant it is absolutely no substitute for H or crack, doesn't really alleviate my mood swings and cannot serve the same purpose as the drugs I used to take. It has its place - socially is fine, and I guess if I'm having a really awful day then it's better than hard drugs, but there's a reason even before I found my drugs of choice I was never really into drinking.

Today, though I've had no hangover, I've noticed a real lethargy that I haven't been able to shake off, and I'm sure it's because of drinking. Also, the risk of lack of inhibition at the moment is way too high. For these reasons I've decided that I'm not going to drink anymore at least for the rest of November. I wish I had this kind of self-control when it comes to drugs! I know for a fact if I'd used last night I would have got up today feeling horrible with overwhelming cravings that would be nearly impossible to resist, whereas with drinking I just feel lethargic the next day with no desire to repeat the experience. It's a shame I don't enjoy it more, it's so fucking easy for me to control it! That's probably why it's easy for me to put down though - if I did enjoy it more, maybe it'd be problematic. Anyway, I am 11 days off drugs, and I'm preparing for the 2 week mark. Many, many relapses have occurred for me around then, so I'm getting ready for cravings and mood swings. After that the next big milestone will be around the 6 week mark, as that is another very common time for relapsing. I think my many relapses can be turned to my advantage since I've extracted those two danger points from those experiences so that I can prepare, and I've become very familiar with the headspace that precedes a relapse - the depression, isolation and short-term thinking - so hopefully I'll recognize it and can act on it next time it occurs before I actually use.

How is everyone ?

 

[Jabberwocky]

Its really good that you know the danger times. Can you do anything to make them less risky this time? I'd hazard a guess that this isn't the first time in this recent relapse that you really wanted to stop. But this time you did. I think actually stopping is the hardest bit, you're through that so everything else should be easier from here, even if its still insanely difficult.

Glad you enjoyed the group. I hope it helps. I think a lit of it is like the 90 in 90 in na, a longish term regular commitment to your recovery.putting in effort every week for months in itself is a big achievement. If you're anything like meme, I couldnt turn up to anything in my using, or evengo if I did, I'd be insanely late, to the extent once of ending up stranded in London with no money cos I'd missed the last train for my connection.

I'm ok thanks, had an incredibly hard month and so glad its over. I'll tell you more about it when I sort my new computer out, I have it now just not got rounda to making it useable.

 

[Rio Fantastic]

Its really good that you know the danger times. Can you do anything to make them less risky this time? I'd hazard a guess that this isn't the first time in this recent relapse that you really wanted to stop. But this time you did. I think actually stopping is the hardest bit, you're through that so everything else should be easier from here, even if its still insanely difficult.

Glad you enjoyed the group. I hope it helps. I think a lit of it is like the 90 in 90 in na, a longish term regular commitment to your recovery.putting in effort every week for months in itself is a big achievement. If you're anything like meme, I couldnt turn up to anything in my using, or evengo if I did, I'd be insanely late, to the extent once of ending up stranded in London with no money cos I'd missed the last train for my connection.

I'm ok thanks, had an incredibly hard month and so glad its over. I'll tell you more about it when I sort my new computer out, I have it now just not got rounda to making it useable.

Hope you're through the worst of it. Thanks man, yeah it's definitely an achievement going 12 days. I think the main thing i'm going to do differently this time is focusing all my effort on recovery - usually by this time I'm trying to accomplish a bunch of tangential goals to recovery by this time but it all comes to nothing if I don't focus on this! I'm going to more meetings and for the first time i'm going to start reaching out to the people there that have offered their help by giving me their phone numbers. I have NEVER done this before - like you, I couldn't accomplish anything when using, including asking for help, so this time when I'm struggling I'm going to actually call people and talk about it. By building a support system and focusing all m time & energy on recovery I hope I can avoid the normal pitfalls.

I woke up feeling physically awful today. I actually felt worse today than I did yesterday morning waking up to a hangover. I think it's because I eat a lot of junk food in the evenings, which is when my usual drug cravings come. I'm fortunate to be blessed with a quick metabolism so I don't gain weight, but eating like an obese child clearly has its pitfalls. I've felt nauseous and unwell all morning and it's only just now fading. I have to fix my diet up a little - I won't be obsessively focusing on it but I really have to do something different. However, that aside, I'm feeling pretty good today. Have some stupid online courses to do for work and the site is playing up on me, but other than that I'm going to go visit one of the friends I used to use with. I have a reason for visiting him though - I'm returning some of his stuff he left here, and his jack russell has just had an adorable batch of puppies. There will be a time limitation, and I'm pretty sure he's sober at the moment so I won't be tempted into using.

 

[Rio Fantastic]

Hello to anyone reading this,

Wanted to be honest. It was day 13, but I relapsed tonight. I had some trivial problems today that I made a big thing of - woke up feeling depressed, went to the cinema where I work by myself to watch Joker to take my mind off it and one of my managers made some joking comments that I took to heart because of my headspace. He always jokes around and is a good guy, but when I am in that mindset I'm so insecure that I obsess over the smallest perceived insult, rather than joking back or just ignoring it like I usually would.

As I am sure some of you can relate to, this is in contrast to me using where I feel bullet proof. People have said awful things to me that I actually deserved when I was using and it doesn't even register - I literally could not care less about what anyone thinks of me unless I am trying to con money or drugs out of them. That feeling of emotional invincibility, like an impenetrable mental armour is a big part of the appeal for me.

Anyway, despite that I still wasn't going to use till I came home and my laptop died in front of me. As in went off and now won't even come on at all. On there is a journal I have kept since April, three chapters of a story I was working on, a fuckload of SMART excercises, about 50 movies and a bunch of other stuff I don't want to lose and didn't back up. I was so frustrated and miserable I scored without a second thought.

I really want to keep this a one day thing, I can't go off on another extended bender without serious consequences. Thinking about flushing the 2 bags I have left and coming clean to my Mum tomorrow before this gets out of hand. Hope you guys are well, it felt good even just typing that out.