Recovery My cliché recovery journal

[Jabberwocky]

rio and yuba go to rehab.

fuck go together.

but now.

that is all.

 

[yubacity]

Thanks for ur concern chin up but im doing good not thinking about old man time to let go and think of my family. Doing ok another detox paws is back but it become so predictable this cycle .

Rio bro wake up i knew you was taking to much on .Ler me help u brother i always log on hoping u left a message but feel deflated knowibg u on a mission its those cunts u call friends most so called mates want u to fuck up they hate seeing someone get clean because they jealous they cant do it

 

[Rio Fantastic]

Hey guys.

I'm actually doing pretty good. I'm still clean - 33 days in now. Since I only have a phone at home it's a pain to type out messages on it, so I wait till I'm in front of a computer to do it but @yubacity you're right mate - I'm being an asshole. Don't want to worry you by disappearing so I am going to make more of an effort now. Did I read your message right then - are you sober at the moment?

@chinup how have you been? How's the ED recovery going?

My life is going decently at the moment. I am still getting brutal mood swings but I am dealing with them. The job at Pizza Hut is going alright as well, tho I think I need to tell my managers I have dyspraxia - they were shocked to see how good I was when I was in the front of house as a waiter dealing with customers after when I was in the kitchen I had to be shown how to stretch dough like 9 times and still couldn't get it looking quite right, so I think I need to explain the discrepancy - i.e. I'm not retarded, I just have co-ordination difficulties.

@yubacity I gotta say your advice about this girl made me laugh out loud in the middle of this library. Just go and knock him out - brilliant! To be honest I am still seeing her but I feel like punishing her since this other idiot is just ignoring her - AGAIN - so now she's calling me all the time and wants to see me every day. I know she's struggling - she has mental health issues herself - but it's her own fucking fault that she chose the same wanker again and surprise, surprise, he does the same thing he did last time. I feel like I should ignore her for a week or two and focus on myself - maybe if she panics that she's lost both of us I won't just be the guy she can depend upon to hug her and eat her out when she's feeling abandoned and she will appreciate me a bit more.

then again, is this just my feelings talking? Am I being irrational here?

The mood swings mean that when I do have using thoughts, though they are getting less frequent, they can get quite intense. My commitments at work is a good incentive in the short term not to use, but I am going to have to develop better coping strategies in the long run since eventually I will get the opportunity where I can't tell myself that I need to go to work or I will get lose my job and be homeless in winter. I need some more internal reasons instead of external ones.

@chinup @yubacity let me know how you guys are. Been enjoying the snow??

 

[yubacity]

Hey guys.

I'm actually doing pretty good. I'm still clean - 33 days in now. Since I only have a phone at home it's a pain to type out messages on it, so I wait till I'm in front of a computer to do it but @yubacity you're right mate - I'm being an asshole. Don't want to worry you by disappearing so I am going to make more of an effort now. Did I read your message right then - are you sober at the moment?

@chinup how have you been? How's the ED recovery going?

My life is going decently at the moment. I am still getting brutal mood swings but I am dealing with them. The job at Pizza Hut is going alright as well, tho I think I need to tell my managers I have dyspraxia - they were shocked to see how good I was when I was in the front of house as a waiter dealing with customers after when I was in the kitchen I had to be shown how to stretch dough like 9 times and still couldn't get it looking quite right, so I think I need to explain the discrepancy - i.e. I'm not retarded, I just have co-ordination difficulties.

@yubacity I gotta say your advice about this girl made me laugh out loud in the middle of this library. Just go and knock him out - brilliant! To be honest I am still seeing her but I feel like punishing her since this other idiot is just ignoring her - AGAIN - so now she's calling me all the time and wants to see me every day. I know she's struggling - she has mental health issues herself - but it's her own fucking fault that she chose the same wanker again and surprise, surprise, he does the same thing he did last time. I feel like I should ignore her for a week or two and focus on myself - maybe if she panics that she's lost both of us I won't just be the guy she can depend upon to hug her and eat her out when she's feeling abandoned and she will appreciate me a bit more.

then again, is this just my feelings talking? Am I being irrational here?

The mood swings mean that when I do have using thoughts, though they are getting less frequent, they can get quite intense. My commitments at work is a good incentive in the short term not to use, but I am going to have to develop better coping strategies in the long run since eventually I will get the opportunity where I can't tell myself that I need to go to work or I will get lose my job and be homeless in winter. I need some more internal reasons instead of external ones.

@chinup @yubacity let me know how you guys are. Been enjoying the snow??

Fuck me brother you alive and well so good to hear i read your thing last night b ut was on my phone and like you hate typing on the fucking thing.
Good to see you clean working as a waiter at pizza hut with all those young college going girls with the firm tits and banging butts im envious saying that in having an affair with a young latvian girl who does waitressing for me at our catering functions but want to end it i feel a little pervy bruv she more then half my age only seven years older then my oldest daughter end of an era for me I am now officially old even with escorts my bottom age was 25 even that to young now will raise it to 30 I did love the taste of twenty-something fanny .

I would have punched the cunt fuck him the prick why was he even messing with his ex when he knew she getting pumped by another man move on but that not good advice that my old man talking causes to many problems . My boy beat someone up at his school they gave him a in house suspension my wifes dad dealing with it im kind of proud used to think he a bit soft and the world will walk over him but he another me and his uncles better a bit of a nutcase then a walkover who knows maybe the woke generation differant . He a proper young farmer my in laws own over ten thousand acres and they personally look after 100 acres of peaches my father in laws idea to teach my wifes and her sisters boys how to farm this summer he was going out through the night on his quad cheacking the equipment not been nicked with the farm dogs so proud but also getting teary there was a time he used to walk through the high street with me holding my hand not he becoming a man im tearing up now. Lately the abuse i put my body through 3 decades of addiction is starting to tell think my kidneys are fucked foamy piss joint pain anger fuck knows dont want to leave my kids or go before my dear mom she already grieving my old man .
Dont give into mood swings bruv all that does is put you back to square one like me not fucking worth it

Im not clean and not addicted if that makes sence i will miss 2 days between heroin use but that caught up with me and had a minor wd so now am leaving 72 hours between pod use but im just spending all my time counting down so now am 53 hours between pod use so in 9 hours by midnight will be 62 hoiurs between use so might be safe to have a pod night cap have a good sleep light useage tommorow and then anothe 72 hours clean . I know and you know and any other addict reading this knows that this will end up double fucking me but it is what it is

Also bruv some girls do like be treated like cunts and she a bit of a cunt to you give a little bit of mean back at worse she fuck you of you get yourself some young thing from your place of work . Also bruv i do care about you and it does my head in when i think you on a mission just check in i should not give a fuck but my brother the one thing im known for is m,y loyalty to my friends and you helped me when i was at my lowest and i will never forget that anything money my home its open to you from me i mean that

 

[Jabberwocky]

rio!!! i'm so glad to hear good news!!

i was supposed to start work nearly an hour ago, lol.

mood swings and cravings are still very normal at 30 days. unfortunately you still have a long way to go. but you've already built so much up. that good old 'recovery capital' gets you a long way.

do tell your managers you have dyspraxia. i am not 100% sure but i think it should be a protected category. it makes sense you're better at front of house given that. i am up front in job interviews that i'm autistic, and that i'm more autistic than i seem cos that's how it works in women, so i do just get some stuff wrong sometimes and i need people to say what they mean cos i take things very literally. so its particularly important in a job scenario cos i've had time where i've spent a long time doing completely the wrong thing cos i didn't interpret the task correctly. and i have to learn every single rule about human interaction by getting it wrong....

ED is going OK.... since i moved to my new house i have only purged 3 times. in 4 weeks. down from 1-2 time a day.

drnking not going so well, but there are definite improvements. i.e. even when i do drink, i'm drinking less. this is the first weekend in a long while that i've not lost at least one day to being hungover.

 

[yubacity]

Listen rio i said this alot but dont waste your youth on drugs i woke up this morning about 4 in a clucking mood just sad that my whole young life was wasted my eldest daughter dont even face time me it broken me i never did her wrong what can it be .My wife keeps saying she 15 it just her age but was it my drug addictioons i never let it come home ok i would nod now and again infront of them im so sad i first lost my youth to drugs and now looks like i lost my kids dont be me

 

[yubacity]

Junkie yes i was but i never let it stop me working hard promised my wife when i proposed to her no matter my problems i will givwe you a good life worked my arse of on the truck built everything up from scratch came to kent drove a taxi knocked out coke to support my habit got my hgv started buisness raised a family kept my promise never stopped working until we were secure and then i tried unsuccessfully to handle my demons . If after all that i lose the love of my children what did i do wrong i think i was a good dad but who knows just saying my brother we become selfish in our addictions and we think no one notice but they do my daughter must have seen something be clean when you settle down the love of family worth more then any buzz a bit of gear gives you

 

[yubacity]

Rio you cunt how you doing you good chinup how are you mate

 

[Rio Fantastic]

Yuba! Hows it going??

47 days clean and I am literally only just beginning to feel anywhere near mentally normal again. I swear to God I have been feeling fucking brain damaged these last 6 weeks - it seems to be taking longer to mentally bounce back from my lapses than it used to.

Still having mood swings but they're getting less intense. This winter weather isn't fucking helping, but I am starting to learn to deal with it.

I have told that girl I want to see her less and am ignoring her now. I would like to say I am just getting rid of her, but if I am being honest this is more of a test. If she feels the same way I do she will try hard to get me to pay attention to her again and if she doesn't then I can know that and just move on.

Yuba you sound like you are playing a dangerous game mate. Is it any way to live just counting the seconds until you're high again and constantly skirting the edges of a physical habit?? How have you been?

Hows it going @chinup? It sounds encouraging that you have managed to reduce alcohol seemingly without trying!!

 

[yubacity]

Yuba! Hows it going??

47 days clean and I am literally only just beginning to feel anywhere near mentally normal again. I swear to God I have been feeling fucking brain damaged these last 6 weeks - it seems to be taking longer to mentally bounce back from my lapses than it used to.

Still having mood swings but they're getting less intense. This winter weather isn't fucking helping, but I am starting to learn to deal with it.

I have told that girl I want to see her less and am ignoring her now. I would like to say I am just getting rid of her, but if I am being honest this is more of a test. If she feels the same way I do she will try hard to get me to pay attention to her again and if she doesn't then I can know that and just move on.

Yuba you sound like you are playing a dangerous game mate. Is it any way to live just counting the seconds until you're high again and constantly skirting the edges of a physical habit?? How have you been?

Hows it going @chinup? It sounds encouraging that you have managed to reduce alcohol seemingly without trying!!

Nice to hear from you brother over six weeks doing great are you still on subs .

Yea be a little mean play aloof for a while this way you will know how she feels plus most women dont like to clingy makes you look desperate . Im back addicted again will be going back to states after christmas so will have to get clean

 

[Jabberwocky]

glad you are doing better rio!! i think over time you get accumulated damage, and just being that bit older, means that it gets harder and harder to recover from. plus you have more guilt and shame each time which will not help matters.

how is your job going?

glad you've stepped back from that girl. you really need to learn to be independent. whether your doing it for that reason or a test doesn't matter, you are still forcing yourself to use your own strength when things get psychologically difficult. unless you just contact her each time you're having a shit day. don't do that.

gah drinking is going bad again. just been at a family celebration, while i wasn't getting wasted in the way i do at home, i did drink all day for 2 days in a row. and i've drunk every night in a row for over 2 weeks now. need to break the cycle. have a lot of stressful shit going on at work and some family issues which isn't helping.

 

[yubacity]

How you doing Rio bro what you been upto how is your recovery going

 

[Jabberwocky]

i been wondering this too. come on rio let us know whats going on?!?!?

 

[yubacity]

i been wondering this too. come on rio let us know whats going on?!?!?

How you doingh chin up happy new year . I got a PM a month ago from him he was doing ok was of the gear on subs so hoping he just busy he was hoping to get a furlough just hope he ok

 

[Jabberwocky]

How you doingh chin up happy new year . I got a PM a month ago from him he was doing ok was of the gear on subs so hoping he just busy he was hoping to get a furlough just hope he ok

alright mate. i have 8 days free of alcohol, going on for 9 this evening. pretty amazed with myself. how are you getting on?

i really hope he's alright. he's been in this cycle too long, he needs to break it so he can get on with his life.

 

[yubacity]

alright mate. i have 8 days free of alcohol, going on for 9 this evening. pretty amazed with myself. how are you getting on?

i really hope he's alright. he's been in this cycle too long, he needs to break it so he can get on with his life.

9 days is brilliant keep it up its a clique but one day at a time is the way to go get up each morning and just think of that day not going to drink today . Im ok not addicted apart from 200 mg of pregabalin but that be done in few weeks will jump soon but getting there .

Rio been in the cycle to long you right but he needs to get past the mental barrier of beating his clean time we all have a time in our head when we start thinking we safe to try it just once but never just once. Ill do some pods or heroin now and again but mostly clean and not addicted

 

[yubacity]

Rio going on 2 months since you last connect with us . Even if your on the brown again no shame in it my brother we will only get to our end goal by slipping and falling along the way look at me but my brother just drop in say hello so me and chin up know you well . My buisness really taken of since we started doing the midlands so much so that i now cater more weddings up there when i come back from the states after a few months i will be getting a place up there one its a investment cant go wrong with property . What im saying is i will need someone to keep house going carpets vacumed just lived in heating going on windows opened ofcourse i will be paying someone for it rent free living bills payed for including council tax and money in the pocket cash in hand . It will give you some stability knowing roof over your head just one rule you do what you want in there but only you dont want it becoming a place where your pals wreck the place

 

[yubacity]

Got one house i like a lot its in handsworth wood 5 bedroom detached massive master bedroom with I think they call them bay windows like a curve fuck knows . Will get a list to view then get it done wife is here so she can also view best time to do it .

 

[EPL1]

Hey you,

I have pm'd you, where are you?

You've gone almost 4 months without posting, officially worried about you Rio. Come back to us, we miss you and would like to hear from you, good or bad, no judgment, take care my friend.

Ash.

 

[Jabberwocky]

echoing this @EPL1 come on rio we're worried about you.