I’ve used meth on & off for a long time. I'd been mostly abstinent since 2013 when I picked it back up in 2018 (in order to meet the impossible demands of being a mother with a career in the US) and I used nearly every day until October 2019 when I became pregnant with my third child. I abstained until August 2020 and since then have used a quarter to half gram every day.
For 12 of the past 16 months, I worked for an anti-drug organization heading up a program at the local jail providing peer recovery support and case management services to people incarcerated there. I met with hundreds of people one-on-one in the jail and helped them access treatment (if that’s what they wanted) and overcome any barriers to recovery, from meeting their basic needs upon release to providing transportation to probation to getting them into sober living. In some cases, I was able to help them secure early release or court-ordered treatment as an alternative sentence. Over ¾ of my clients struggled with addiction to meth and the things I saw and heard… Truly, the ways in which meth addiction (and our criminal justice system’s response to it) destroys lives is innumerable.
There was a drug class operated by the church at the jail that was basically a joke. For a while there was a moral reconation therapy (MRT) program that flopped. And our local mental health system has run a program for years that employs case managers to coordinate treatment for folks at the jail, but despite the incredible need, participation had been low and their service uptake rate was less than 15% (less than 15% of those enrolled actually made it to treatment or engaged in community-based services). In our second month, we saw more of our clients enter treatment than they had the entire previous year, with a fraction of their manpower and resources.
Why? It was the peer support. As their peers who shared our own experiences and listened to theirs without judgement, clients generally felt they could be open/straight up with us, which positioned us to really understand where they were in order to meet them there, even the few who were disingenuous - gave me a trap house address in their reentry plan or asked me to contact the bondsman I know full-well has a meth habit on their behalf, etc. – we could recognize that and meet them where they were. I made sure every client knew that while I was confident in their ability to achieve the goals for recovery they’d set for themselves, our help wasn’t contingent on their sobriety. Those who weren’t ready to quit, I made sure they understood the risks of overdose when coming out of jail, had access to naloxone and fentanyl testing strips, knew how to have 100 syringes shipped to them for under $15, etc. We were overwhelmed by the response and had to hire several more peers.
I left the position recently to refocus my efforts on criminal justice reform, but the program is still going strong, wildly successful. I guess I was a bit longwinded getting to it, but my point is that what everyone is doing here is incredibly important and if the answer to every query about using meth safely is “don’t,” then people will just stop asking. I’m sure y’all know that folks who receive harm reduction services are more likely to engage in treatment and to stop using drugs, so if you’re hellbent on people not using meth in the long term and the only thing you have to say is “drugs are bad, mmkay”, best thing you could do, probably, is just keep it to yourself and defer to those able to respond constructively.
Bravo Ursus, if it wasn’t so late, I’d long wind you back with another goal story from another perspective.
Yey for you, I understand and condone your decision to medicate yourself as it obviously helped you & had a positive impact on your ability to work hard. I smoked about the same as you for years, but then I started low dose ingesting 40mg upon waking, maybe a top up at lunch. Had a few days off here & there, 1g lasted forever……no pipes in the house though!
Atm however, I am fucking not loving it,……..8 months ago informally diagnosed adhd so understood why I loved and was dependent on meth, but said okay I’ll stop till my formal diagnosis……fuck me, talk about inability to get going, be on top of housework, everything was hard, I was emotional, hated leaving tbe house, I wasn’t depressed, just didn’t/couldn’t get out of bed, bed was my office.
But one of the worst things was, my mind isn’t as calm, I have “outed myself” to a few people, my shrink, and a few friends to try to validate my shame and bring the secret part of me back. But that part that I hid, the meth part, well it kept the other part cool/functioning. Now that she’s out, it’s crazy, she’s the ( now diagnosed adhd) bit that I was always told, since day dot, especially by my parents, that waa too loud, talked too much, interrupted, lacked self control, gets carried away, impulsive, not at all malicious, but kinda naughty, bit funny naughty, actually fucking fabulously crazy funny naughty, like a bloody movie. Ahh I digress, but one story comes to mind when I was about 13, and I was showing a couple of friends at school my tae Kwon do prowess (not), just outside the staff room, on a 2story down pipe, well the whole fucking thing came crashing down, I swear I didn’t even kick it that hard, but well you can imagine big trouble, but fucking hilarious in hindsight.
So anyway, that’s the part that I think needed the meth, and bloody I can see why, she’s full on! So I’m like back together, so to speak, and out of the closet, so to speak again, but I fucking liked it better the other way, the old way. I thought that this was going to be really good, like a relief, free from shame & guilt. Anyway, no meth, stupid Vyvance prescribed which makes me more nervous and I feel like a underachieving over compensating dickhead with low self esteem!! Wtf?? Bizarre,
Ahh so I’d love to get some meth, I want to feel normal, but fuck it, surely I can keep dreaming about being prescribed desoxyn…..interesting after studying Psychedelic assisted therapy earlier in the year, and always loving taking drugs recreationally but not like social party scene, more like getting creative, taking portraits at my studio, people love having a sick shot of themselves, lots of crazy self portraits, music, dancing, doing house work in sergio Rossi high heels….and undies & singlet, journaling, the stories in my head, I blew my own mind sometimes, imagination, reality, I felt at home on drugs, but hey I worked really fucking hard and that kind of shit went with the territory in my industry. I also have been on a 30 year quest to help my alcoholic pot smoking addict bro who with his delusions of grandeur, is either in massive denial, or suffers from anosognosia! But it was to no avail, and I certainly learnt a lot about myself along the way. I’m doing assisted plant medicine therapy next week, fuck I don’t want to start that fucking game again, oh the $ & scoring, what a drag that is!
So my intention for the session is something like “come the fuck on, and please show me grace and calm please” …..haha, can’t wait to see what curve balls I’ll be thrown there, I often get a good laugh out of myself….., um but maybe it’s not funny really.
Fingers crossed I get something out of shutting of my default network. But back to you Ursus, I loved you post, and please have a pipe for me! Xx
