Yeah man, I haven't been attaining my sobriety goals either. There's been some valid reasons to get some cups of stim in, so I'm not beating myself up about it. The recession has been hitting, calling for a state of caring to move the numbers around, even if it breaks some promises.
But I miss the simplicity of not even getting high on sugar. I very well know that just as with animals in the wild mere hunger serves as a BDNF-releasing stimulant just fine.. think about that one the next time you purchase an upper while on budget.. It's just that it takes a transitory period to appreciate it as such, like how a DXM high only manifests when you just give up and accept that this alien thing is happening whether you like it or not.. and there you go.
Similarly, if this time was it social drinking, don't beat yourself up over it, man. Now, there's a lot to be sad about in the world, I'm not really sure what cause you thought of when you were writing.. you know you could both be somewhat jealous of offspring generation taking place or, perhaps more rational, sadness about what the future of anyone being born nowadays will entail. Or perhaps neither, and it's just the depressant effect expressing itself without external condition. Well I don't know, and I'm not sure whether I myself would like anyone dissecting my hoochy ramblings to such extent. I just want to throw the thought out there that I've been checking whether acid microdosing is again possible, and it appears to be, except that the stimulation has been making me very very thirsty for a vasodilator.. yeah.. that one, the one you've been having. Now, on acid, even just 25 mics, alcohol sadness is merrily blocked. But it doesn't change the state of feeling polluted. Over a year I've held all inflammatory markers as low as humanly possible.. at least for a human on a budget, incompetent doctor cunts didn't grant me state-sponsored access to the full relevant pharmacy. And despite having lived through that, I'm back chasing copious amounts of liquid carbs with special cancer juice through the system again.. I wake up with bloated organs, man.. I didn't use to notice it did this because the cheapo beers had become diet.. but against a squeaky clean background it's super salient how immediately unsightly it looks in the mirror, and how utterly polluting it feels.. and even sounds, still, at the end of the day.
My point is that, for today's microdosing session, I had anticipated the alcohol lust. I've made sure I took it with some phenibut. Not that let's-imbibe-and-wait-four-hours stuff.. no, just a quarter of such dose, with about half the weight of NaHCO3 added (molar equivalency), with the CO2 stirred out, and up the back passage. That way the peak syncs up with the acid just fine. I made sure to switch from coffee to black tea early enough, dropped some extra theanine just to be sure, some Mg glycinate.. and indeed, here was a microdosing state without the uncomfortable body load. And therefore no need, or particular lust, for alcohol.
Now, I'm drinking anyway, because I didn't know this idea was gonna work so I had a backup plan ready as usual and I'm not gonna let bottles catch dust over here.. but the point is, next microdose session I can skip the wine shopping without problem. The future need for solitary boozing on acid has been effectively eliminated through applying methodical reasoning.
If this post totally misses the mark, please at least know I relate to alcohol problems, whatever they might be. It's probably the drug that has caused me the most life expectancy loss, and if it's currently harming you I empathize.
I always found methylphenidate to be rather anxiety-producing, myself. But if I had some I'd still do it 
luckily the company doesn't entirely rise or fall based on our performance but still.
