Rape kink story trigger warning (yes, I’m serious)
This is something that I felt horrible while doing and still have shame about. After much discussion, I indulged one of my exes in her rape fantasy. Part of the planning was that there wasn’t supposed to be a plan. She didn’t want to know when or how because she wanted it to be realistic. After she agreed to write out consent forms and mail them to me before the event. (So that if it were to go bad there was sealed proof of consent.) I started to plan and after two solid MONTHS of telling myself I would enjoy this I did it.
When the time came, I was waiting in her house. She came home after work and I pushed her forward to the ground so she couldn’t see my face and hog tied her. She wanted me to have a “big knife” and use it. So I cut her clothes off as best I could. The knife was sharp and I accidentally gave her a small cut that she felt and made her bleed. She was shivering from the excitement and I was as limp as an overcooked noodle.
She explicitly asked me to slap, hit, and other man handle her hard enough to “put me in my place”. When I started cutting her jeans off she said “Hey these are my favorite.” I pulled her hair up, hard and held the knife to her throat. She was super aroused and I was thinking that it was time to take the Viagra I brought as back up. After I gagged her with shreds of her jeans I went and got a glass of water. She decided to start screaming through the gag (for realism?) and I told her to shut up. She screamed louder and had neighbors. So I slapped her and carried her still bound and gagged to the middle of the room.
For 30 minutes or more I roughed her up, spit on her, called her names and told her she was earning what was next. I could see her dripping through her panties. By then if I had said I can’t do this… I would have felt like shit. She was so into it. Should have stopped, but hey I was 18 and dumb.
Gave it my all. She came before I had my cock out while I was playing with her boobs. She would push me saying that “real men liked to squeeze tits not just feel them.” So I bared down and she came. I was thinking “Who is this person?” As the night unfolded I realized that I didn’t know this person who I had been with since high school.
I’ll spare the rest because frankly, I hated myself after and doing it caused some real trauma. I saw a therapist as soon as I could after. I don’t mind being rough or dominant, I’d prefer that there was a nice back and forth. Rather than what feels to me like out right abuse.
Something else she asked for was to “be left with your cum in or on me” and then leave or if I wanted to keep going to keep going, but that once I was done “using her” I should lock the door behind me and leave. When I was finally able to finish (it took too fucking long) she had her hands bound well with rope. I’m good with rope. There was an empty bike rack that had a hook on it in her living room. I picked her up and hung her from the bike rack. When she looked me in the eyes she might as well have begged me to come back. She was so into it and she indulged me with blowjobs all the time in places that make me blush to this day. I felt like I owed her. I didn’t say a word. I just left.
I left her there and went out to my car where I took snorted some oxy and let her hang there for a little more than 30 minutes. She could have easily gotten down and I hoped that when I came through she’d have hopped off and be good. She was off the bike rack, but when I went back through the door she was trying to get the binding off her wrists while sobbing. I felt awful. Then she looks up at me and said “I’ll do anything you want. Please sir, just don’t kill me.” (This was an obvious request to do more. There was a safe word.) Again, I felt fairly obligated, she did what I wanted often, why shouldn’t I do this kink to the best of my ability? So I got more creative. The whole thing started at 6PM and easily lasted 4 hours. By the end of it I was tired, a little fucked up, and upset with myself for agreeing in the first place. So instead of leaving, I tied her to her rather sturdy bed in an uncomfortable position with her facing away from me and we both fell asleep.
When I cut her loose in the morning I apologized for putting her in a cramped bind. She looked me in the eyes and said “Knowing that you could have used me again all night was a good thing.” She told me what she was expecting and that I went way past her expectations and she couldn’t have been happier with the night. She remembered everything and relived it while we got ready. The next morning, after she was dressed, she had no visible bruising which I was thankful for. She said she hoped we would do it again sometime soon. I felt sick to my stomach and told her I had to leave. She kissed me goodbye and I left. I threw up when I got home and spent the day high as fuck on oxy trying to forget or feel nothing.
She made it clear that she wanted to have that happen again many times the following week. After that week I ended the relationship. She wanted to know why, asked if it was the kink, and I explained that after that night I didn’t think we were sexually compatible. Until that the most adventurous stuff was sex/head in public places she never asked me to hurt her or call her names. I said I wanted a sexual relationship where I wasn’t expected to actually harm my partner during a sexual fantasy. She understood but was hurt. I didn’t shame her for wanting that, I just said that I couldn’t be that guy. I am not that guy.
We have kept in touch over the years (pretty good friends actually) and at one point I told her I had to see a therapist after that. She replied with a statement like “I figured that it messed you up pretty bad.” After the break up we didn’t see each other for a couple of years and so I asked her why she thought that. We had mutual friends and I was dating a friend of her friend. The girl that I slept with told her friends I was the most gentle person she’d been with, that it was like I was afraid I would hurt her.
I have thought about that whole experience from the lead up, the night of, and the months after a good amount over the years. This is what I got from it. If your partner says they want to do something and your body has a negative physical response (stomach ache) and you think “I don’t know if I can. I don’t want to.” To the mere suggestion of the activity, don’t do it. Talk with your partner about why it is so upsetting or concerning. You don’t owe any one a sex act. Sex isn’t transactional in the sense that “She did this for me so I have to do that for her”. It can be like that, but you should really talk about what makes you uncomfortable so that you are aware of boundaries. I learned a lot about communication through that whole experience. I hope no one thinks I’m a monster now. I don’t know if I want to post this. It may come down.
