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Need Help Should i try to avoid a newly sober friend out of respect for her recovery?

FunctionalJnkieGrl

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Thing is, she's recently sober from meth (with the help of a faith-based rehab center). I'm still addicted to painkillers. I miss her. I no longer have friends who I talk to outside of work and I have known her since pre-school, but I don't want my mere non-sober existence to make her relapse, given i'm not ready to get sober myself (even though we chose different drugs of choice). Thoughts?
 
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Kennethjalla83

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Ask her how she feels about it, ask if she feels she have good enough control and confidence on her recovery to not be triggered by beeing social with someone still addicted. Also dont use more than necessary to avoid beeing sick. Seeing you both have addiction experience it shouldn't be awkward to just talk about things like that and it will just show that you care for, support and respect her recovery prosess.
 

VerbalTruist

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Thing is, she's recently sober from meth (with the help of a faith-based rehab center). I'm still addicted to painkillers. I miss her. I no longer have friends who I talk to outside of work and I have known her since pre-school, but I don't want my mere non-sober existence to make her relapse, given i'm not ready to get sober myself (even though we chose different drugs of choice). Thoughts?
If she's new in recovery, I think that you should avoid her. Full stop. Has she reached out to you yet? If not, there's a reason. If you do reach out and she agrees you need to NOT be high and NOT discuss drugs.
 

Burnt Offerings

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I’d say that if you’re living “the life”, and it’s about that stuff 24/7 for you, then I’d advise against trying to reconnect with her

But, if you’re able to just play it cool and not constantly use drugs, then just don’t use drugs or bring em up when you hang out with her, simple...

Those really old-school relationships can be worth maintaining...just be aware of her situation and act accordingly
 

FunctionalJnkieGrl

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Thank you all for the replies. l'm sure I could avoid being "visibly high" in front of her. I don't always nod off, but I always take a maintenance dose right before bed to avoid the big sick. I might wait a while before I consider reconnecting with her 1-on-1. I do respect those who choose to better their lives.
 

deficiT

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Depends where she's at with it I guess. I mean, it's a close friend after all. I'm of the opinion that as long as you're not actively using or high in front of her, there shouldn't be an issue. .

But if you believe there is a good reason to have a relationship with your friend, then it could be worth it to work through these issues.
 

VerbalTruist

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Thank you all for the replies. l'm sure I could avoid being "visibly high" in front of her. I don't always nod off, but I always take a maintenance dose right before bed to avoid the big sick. I might wait a while before I consider reconnecting with her 1-on-1. I do respect those who choose to better their lives.
That statement right there leads me to think that you should stay off her radar and still maybe let her reach out to you. You post causes me to think that you are at least "always high" which means you really don't have a damn clue if you're visibly high or not. If she sees you high (which, come on, she'll know) you will jeopardize her recovery, there is no question about this. Friends don't fuck with their 'friends' recovery.

I am curious, why you can't find friends of your own. Are you far enough down the road of addiction that friendships are becoming harder to form?

I'm sending this over to H&R where I'm curious what the other responses from a more recovery centered crowd would be.
 

Illyria99

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The way I see it, if someone is going to stay sober they need to avoid others who use; even friends. At least for awhile.

However, sooner or later, one has to face the real world...which is NOT going to go out of its way to keep anyone sober. So it's up to your friend if she wants to hang out with you while you're still using.

I completely understand why you're clinging to her...I mean, everything is wonderful while you're high, but when the drugs wear off you're lonely, right? Well, I wish you lots of luck. 😊
 
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The UltimateFixx

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[QUOTE="FunctionalJnkieGrl, post: 15335764, member: 532040" I don't want my mere non-sober existence to make her relapse
[/QUOTE]

Honestly, 'my mere EXISTENCE make her relapse' ??! That's one of the most bizarre sentences I've ever read. Just knowing somebody else is doing stuff doesn't MAKE you do stuff.
I mean what are you gonna do, hypnotize her? Forcibly administer meth to her?...

... Obviously not. So if she's really set on staying off it, she'll stay off. Nothing the heck to do with whatever YOUR habits are. And presumably you're not planning on 'temptingly' taking tabs in front of her.

But 'faith based rehab' oh dear oh dear. Just hearing that sets my alarm bells ringing. Those are the worst places for indoctrinating you with nonsense notions like mysterious forces outside of yourself 'cause' you to take drugs, that your personal choices and desires don't come into it, and you're a helpless weak fragile victim of your own use and will be mindlessly 'triggered' by absolutely anything and everything.
A good friend of mine ended up in a place where they literally had you eat your breakfast cereal with a fucking fork because apparently the mere sight of a spoon would make you immediately run out to score dope. That's how insane it gets. (Also I'd love to hear those people explain how you're supposed to realistically live your life without encountering spoons ever again.)

.. So yeah if they've done a proper number on her and she's internalized all that shit, you might wanna avoid interaction. On the other hand long - term friendships are important and shouldn't be abandoned just because one of you decides to live their life differently. Maybe just tell her you've given up too. Little white lies are sometimes the way to go.
 
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G_Chem

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I think this is a reasonable question with a lot of judgement floating around this thread as well..

I know when I stopped heroin seeing people faded out of their mind definitely got me jonesing a bit. That said her DOC was meth, but she’s still raw and fragile. Pretty easy for her to pick up a new addiction if she’s prone to it.

Id say give her a moment to get some clean time under her belt, like 6-12mos before testing the waters.

-GC
 

FunctionalJnkieGrl

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That statement right there leads me to think that you should stay off her radar and still maybe let her reach out to you. You post causes me to think that you are at least "always high" which means you really don't have a damn clue if you're visibly high or not. If she sees you high (which, come on, she'll know) you will jeopardize her recovery, there is no question about this. Friends don't fuck with their 'friends' recovery.

I am curious, why you can't find friends of your own. Are you far enough down the road of addiction that friendships are becoming harder to form?

I'm sending this over to H&R where I'm curious what the other responses from a more recovery centered crowd would be.
I'm a functional addict, hence my username. I'm not always high, but like I said, I have to take the bare minimum of a dose just to keep the withdrawals at bay so I can get out of bed, go to work, and function like a normal citizen. As for not finding friends of my own, I had friends. I lost them due to reasons not just because of my drug use, but I won't deny that it could be a factor. I've been an addict since my mid or late teens and I'm now in my early 30's. I wouldn't say I'm too far gone though. I still work (2 jobs), own a car, pay bills/rent, etc. Not being high around her isn't the issue. I can easily pass for sober unless you know me on a personal level and know what I do during my spare time. I don't feel the need to be high 24/7. i'm just not ready to deal with withdrawals yet. But even so, I'll avoid her out of respect because maybe just knowing I'm not ready to get clean could be triggering enough to make her relapse.
 

FunctionalJnkieGrl

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The way I see it, if someone is going to stay sober they need to avoid others who use; even friends. At least for awhile.

However, sooner or later, one has to face the real world...which is NOT going to go out of its way to keep anyone sober. So it's up to your friend if she wants to hang out with you while you're still using.

I completely understand why you're clinging to her...I mean, everything is wonderful while you're high, but when the drugs wear off you're lonely, right? Well, I wish you lots of luck. 😊
I wouldn't say I "cling" to her. We were childhood friends that fell out of touch somewhere down the line and reunited right before she was sent to rehab. I otherwise agree with your statement though.
 

FunctionalJnkieGrl

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I think this is a reasonable question with a lot of judgement floating around this thread as well..

I know when I stopped heroin seeing people faded out of their mind definitely got me jonesing a bit. That said her DOC was meth, but she’s still raw and fragile. Pretty easy for her to pick up a new addiction if she’s prone to it.

Id say give her a moment to get some clean time under her belt, like 6-12mos before testing the waters.

-GC
Yeah, I sensed some judgement from other posters, but I truly have no ill-intentions. I agree though. I think it would probably be best to avoid her for a while. I plan on attempting getting clean in a year or so, as I would love to start a family before its too late (my friend has a young daughter as well), so maybe when I recover we can reunite if she's still recovered.
 

FunctionalJnkieGrl

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[QUOTE="FunctionalJnkieGrl, post: 15335764, member: 532040" I don't want my mere non-sober existence to make her relapse

Honestly, 'my mere EXISTENCE make her relapse' ??! That's one of the most bizarre sentences I've ever read. Just knowing somebody else is doing stuff doesn't MAKE you do stuff.
I mean what are you gonna do, hypnotize her? Forcibly administer meth to her?...

... Obviously not. So if she's really set on staying off it, she'll stay off. Nothing the heck to do with whatever YOUR habits are. And presumably you're not planning on 'temptingly' taking tabs in front of her.

But 'faith based rehab' oh dear oh dear. Just hearing that sets my alarm bells ringing. Those are the worst places for indoctrinating you with nonsense notions like mysterious forces outside of yourself 'cause' you to take drugs, that your personal choices and desires don't come into it, and you're a helpless weak fragile victim of your own use and will be mindlessly 'triggered' by absolutely anything and everything.
A good friend of mine ended up in a place where they literally had you eat your breakfast cereal with a fucking fork because apparently the mere sight of a spoon would make you immediately run out to score dope. That's how insane it gets. (Also I'd love to hear those people explain how you're supposed to realistically live your life without encountering spoons ever again.)

.. So yeah if they've done a proper number on her and she's internalized all that shit, you might wanna avoid interaction. On the other hand long - term friendships are important and shouldn't be abandoned just because one of you decides to live their life differently. Maybe just tell her you've given up too. Little white lies are sometimes the way to go.
[/QUOTE]

Yeah, I posted earlier this year about working with people who are part of a faith-based rehab program. It seems kind of like a culty dictatorship (how they run the program). They have strange rules. They're only allowed to listen to Christian music, they don't receive pay at work, they can't wear band t-shirts that aren't of Christian bands, they have to get up at 4:30am to pray/chant, etc. Yet somehow, they're still allowed to smoke cigarettes and caffeine is okay. I've known people who left the program religious when they weren't religious to begin with and wind up trying to convert anyone who they think is nonreligious. I guess if it works it works and if the motive is to get people clean by whatever means necessary then they're doing something right. I just don't see why religious indoctrination is necessary for everyone. I mean, even addicts who aren't Christian need help. What are they gonna do? Turn them down if they don't wanna be be converted to a religion they don't identify with? My friend was always a Christian though, so maybe its the right route for her. I just want her to be happy and wish her well. I even first met her while attending a Christian preschool. Glad I didn't stay there though. I once got in trouble there for praying with my eyes open--to which my mother called out the teacher bitch by saying "Well how would you know unless your eyes were open too? And tell me, why the fuck would God care if she prays with her eyes open or closed?" Talk about pushing people AWAY from religion....
 

chinup

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i would have found it very difficult in early recovery to even possibly be in the vicinity of someone using.

i've cross addicted from so many drugs so it wouldn't matter if it wasn't my DOC. my brain prefers getting fucked up to being sober and meeting someone who i knew was using something i hadn't just quit would give it a very plausible excuse to put myself in danger of using.

i would wait for a while. you can still be in touch online etc, but i'd wait until she's at least 6 months clean before meeting.

even though its hard in adulthood it is possible to make friends. tbh i made some great friends in NA, and bonded with my colleagues by doing sport with them despite me being terrible at both football (soccer) and climbing.
 

The UltimateFixx

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"i would have found it very difficult in early recovery to even possibly be in the vicinity of someone using."

In which case clearly the problem would be you rather than them.

I can sit in a room full of junkies all shooting up and even offering me shit, and I'll be like 'nah thanks mate, you do your thing but I'm good for now'. It leaves me cold.

..Which I believe is the desirable mindset to achieve which 'll help you with your issues.
Y' know, where you get to a point where H or whatever else is just not SUCH a big deal anymore. But in general the very people charged with helping you out of your addiction actively encourage the addiction by telling you YES, your DOC is in fact 'all that' and you are gonna always crave it to the Nth degree blah blah




" i've cross addicted from so many drugs so it wouldn't matter if it wasn't my DOC."

Ok that sentence already makes no sense. There is such a thing as chemical cross - addiction (as with opiates), there is no such thing as a GENERAL chemical cross - addiction. Yet most rehabs will actively teach you that doing one single substance will have you using the lot.

.. Been a heroin addict -? Oh don't just never touch any heroin again but ALSO never have a single pint of beer with your lunch ever again because SOMEHOW (by a physical / biological mechanism never ever convincingly explained or specified) this'll send you back to hanging off the needle in no time. Those are patent falsehoods which can only serve to impede your personal progress, yet you will be explicitly TAUGHT them.

Makes about as much sense as saying drinking coffee will make you smoke cigarettes. 2 different substances with entirely different effects.

"my brain prefers getting fucked up to being sober"

THAT. RIGHT. THERE. That's the single fucking reason you do drugs and also the only thing the rehab folks like to leave by - the - by, so you never get round to addressing the fundamental cause and instead believe that A) you have some fictitious disease which somehow forces you to do drugs or B) that drugs themselves have some mind - control capacity to make you use them.
 
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chinup

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ok well i have been addicted to alcohol, benzos, weed, heroin, and crack.

i first got addicted to weed, then added benzos, then alcohol. then i got addicted to heroin and managed to quit booze, then weed, then benzos. then while addicted to heroin i also got addicted to crack.

this is pretty typical of cross addiction according to my therapist, therapists in rehab, drugs services. the mechanism is quite well explained in numerous sources if you look for them.

so, i can't have a single pint. cos a year later i am still complaining on here about my problematic alcohol consumption.

i stayed on the cigs until about 18 months ago and that didn't make me wanna use drugs. caffeine i still use. i think their hit is sufficiently unsatifying as to not cause problematic addiction in most people.

it is typical in early recovery for your brain to think that it need drugs to survive so being with someone who could get some for me would fuck you up. its how the neural pathways of addiction work. this is well known and thus applies to the OPs friend. yes, its her problem. but the OP is asking if they will contribute to it, and the answer is that most likely they would at this point.
 

G_Chem

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i would have found it very difficult in early recovery to even possibly be in the vicinity of someone using.

In which case clearly the problem would be you rather than them.

I can sit in a room full of junkies all shooting up and even offering me shit, and I'll be like 'nah thanks mate, you do your thing but I'm good for now'. It leaves me cold.
..Which I believe is the desirable mindset to achieve which 'll help you with your issues.
Y' know, where you get to a point where H or whatever else is just not SUCH a big deal anymore. But in general the very people charged with helping you out of your addiction actively encourage the addiction by telling you YES, your DOC is in fact 'all that' and you are gonna always crave it to the Nth degree blah blah





i've cross addicted from so many drugs so it wouldn't matter if it wasn't my DOC.

Ok that sentence already makes no sense. There is such a thing as chemical cross - addiction (as with opiates), there is no such thing as a GENERAL chemical cross - addiction. Yet most rehabs will actively teach you that doing one single substance will have you using the lot.

.. Been a heroin addict -? Oh don't just never touch any heroin again but ALSO never have a single pint of beer with your lunch ever again because SOMEHOW (by a physical / biological mechanism never ever convincingly explained or specified) this'll send you back to hanging off the needle in no time. Those are patent falsehoods which can only serve to impede your personal progress, yet you will be explicitly TAUGHT them.

Makes about as much sense as saying drinking coffee will make you smoke cigarettes. 2 different substances with entirely different effects.

my brain prefers getting fucked up to

Just because you’re to a place where you can sit in a room full of junkies and be cool with it doesn’t mean everyone else is. Congratulations, I’m there as well, but it took years for that to be a reality for me. I remember days where I’d stroke my arms and newly grown veins fantasizing about it. I relapsed quite a few times but thankfully the guilt made them unbearable.

And I see where your coming from on the second point, but that is also true for many people. Everyone’s different some people will switch addictions left and right, others only enjoy some highs and not others. The idea of “California sober” is becoming better recieved these days however so maybe as a whole we’re heading in the right direction. I couldn’t use opiates but I have no problem with nearly every other class of drugs, but that’s not something I can admit to most.

-GC
 

The UltimateFixx

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I am not in any way saying people don't find it difficult, or that I'm somehow 'better' than anyone else for having reached this point.
For fucks sakes I myself found it hellishly difficult at the outset.

Which is PRECISELY why I hate the common rhetoric because buying into that only makes it to be more of a struggle and stops you comprehending your own motivations for using. And you need to comprehend in order to counteract.

I mean how the fuck are you meant to change a behaviour when you cannot even OWN that behavior -? When instead you're being told oh you jacking up 6 times a day just somehow 'happens' to you against your volition via external forces entirely without your consent?

.. So presumably I didn't intentionally go to the dealer and I didn't mix it up in my spoon with the citric and water on purpose and I didn't stick that needle in my arm and shot the lot into my veins in order to get off. Instead there was some foreign 'thing' at work which can direct my actions and eradicate my will.
These people will give as their explanation as to why you're doing what you're doing in this manner, 'oh it's because you're an addict'. Great. I use 'cause I'm an addict and my level of use is what makes me one. Circular self - referential argument. How is that helpful??!

... I ASK you.
 
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