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  • Trip Reports Moderator: Xorkoth

Teenage girl in hell.


May 24, 2023
I apologize for the shit writing I have been up all night in a manic state reading trip reports and I'd thought I'd share my little slice of hell.

It was 2020, start of the COVID pandemic and I was 15 years old. I had lost everything, dropped out of school & was abandoned by all of my friends. I was a broke teenager with nothing to turn to, so I took to stealing cough syrup from my local grocery store.

Now before we get into the main trip report, you're going to need some backstory. I had fallen into this heavy dxm addiction, it had gone to a once a week situation to a damn near every single day addiction. It was absolutely ruining my fucking brain, I do not remember a lot about this time. A lot of my memories are a fleeting memory of psychosis & delusional tripping.

One thing I do remember though is joining multiple discord servers based around drugs to find people I could talk to about this addiction, leading me to find a discord server for specifically dxm. Through this server I met a man named James (names changes). James was 23 at the time and kept flirting with me and hitting on me so we quickly got into an online relationship, me being a lonely 15 year old drug addict shut in enjoying attention from somebody.

At this point in time I had a MPH (ritilan) prescription for my ADHD. I realized over time that I could trade and sell this to other drug addicts for money and other drugs. Then became the age of acid. I had multiple "spiritual breakthroughs" that were really extreme psychosis gripping my brain.

I was out of my mind, making absolutely irrational decisions. I started crushing up and snorting my prescription (filler and all). This led to multiple very bad stimulant induced psychotic breaks because I was taking massive doses like 160mg.

Eventually, me and James start talking about meeting in person. A few days later he drives up here in his Mazda with an entire backseat packed with drugs. I'm talking fear and loathing in Las Vegas levels of fuckery going on in his backseat.

We take some strong acid, drive around, trip for a while. Eventually I'm talking to him about my life and he gets really weird, the energy is just completely off and something isn't right. I try to change topics but his mood dosent seem to shift.

The next day i swear it was like a sign from god to quit, but his car gets towed. It was just the first bad omen of fuckery that day. James eventually gets his car back and he heads back over to my house, drugs and all (thank FUCK he didn't leave them in his car). I'm in a pretty irrational state of mood, being a dumb teenager basically breeding in psychosis I decided to take a horrible evil little concoction of drugs just to see what the fuck happened.

Before this point I was relatively experienced with drug mixing, I mixed a lot of dxm and lsd together and had even taken significantly large doses of psychedelics. I had a bit of an ego to say the least.

I dose 1 hit of acid, 2 bumps of coke, 1 bump of ketamine, 4-acO-dmt & smoke a little bit of weed

im sitting there chatting with James, he doses around the same amount as me. We're sitting there talking, making jokes.

i notice my eyes, pupils are pinpoint. I'm shaking uncontrollably and grinding my teeth. James gets the bright fucking idea to drive around for bit. find this old condo complex and plan to walk to the store. I get outside and it is fucking FREEZING. I am uncontrollably shaking, teeth chattering out of my skull. Even though it was a short walk I decided to go back to the car where it was warm.

we are parked Infront of the brick wall, we just sit there for what felt like forever watching this brick wall melt and contort. At one point James looked over to me and said "are you seeing this shit too?".

it was absolutely unbelievable, the most insane visuals I'd ever experienced. It felt like a complete loss off reality.

eventually we drive over to his Airbnb. We are parked Infront of the house and James is nodding completely over attempting to work the buttons on his phone. In retrospect I have no idea how we were driving around and didn't get hit or arrested.

anyways as I'm sitting there I feel this intense feeling come over me. It is the most twisted monstrous feeling ever, the energy is almost demonic. Whatever I was experiencing, I knew I had to act fast or else this could be a lot worse.

i asked James to take me home to which he promptly got upset about, but I did not care. I was in defense mode. a pure sheer sense of terror came over me and it was like my body was functioning in order to protect myself, but my mind was not there.

james cried, I comforted him & then left the car. I ran up the stairs and promptly took the best piss of my life, ran up the stairs, stripped completely nude & the crashed into bed.
the next 12 hours are what id describe as actual hell. I thought I had died and went to literal fucking hell. The pain was excruciating, my entire body completely overwhelmed by my senses. Everything felt extreme & intense. My mind was desperately trying to cling on, I was writing in bed praying to a god I don't believe in to please make it stop.

I writhed for hours, twisting and turning but I could never get into a comfortable position. My mind was scattered, I was seeing visions of past mistakes and how embarrassed I was to be myself.

I kept reflecting on my loneliness and how much I hated it, spending every day locked in my room like a prisoner. Fear turned to anger, I was frustrated with my life. I didn't enjoy it, I didn't enjoy being an addict. I didn't fucking like James. I didn't fucking like my mom. I didn't fucking like my dad. I didn't fucking like any of my old friends.

I just sat there thinking and thinking realizing that these people I put in so much effort for abandoned me because I wasnt true to them. I was a facade, masking amongst a group of friends just so I could feel like I belonged.

All the realizations pushed aside, every time I opened my eyes my room would melt into madness, everything appeared to be breathing and living. The walls warped and the ceiling grew closer like it was about to squish me against my bed.

My ringtone went off, and then it went off again. And again. It was fucking James. He had a bad trip too and kept calling me saying he was gonna kill himself. In my drug fueled hatred I thought "just do it, just fucking kill yourself. You're a useless piece of shit and you abuse me, go to fucking hell".

All I could mutter out was "James leave me the fuck alone" after hanging up. To this day hearing the iphone ringtone sets a state of panic into my heart. The sound of the ringtone became deafening after he had spammed me with thousands of calls.

I fell asleep somehow, someway and awoke around 10 or 11 pm. I was completely sober. The trip had ended, but what remained was this heavy layer of disassociation. I felt like I had broken my brain. The level of intensity I had experience during this trip was unlike no other, and it genuinely changed me as a person.

I became more confident, I started doing less drugs. I gained some of my brain back, I started to get really into my art. I started to let the mask slip, I became a totally different authentic version of myself. The good news was everybody loved it.

I once went from being ridiculed and bullied to being admired & found attractive. All of the changed didn't happen at once, but slowly.

James eventually died of an overdose 2 months after my trip from hell. It was Christmas Eve. We had just gotten into an argument, he popped his tire and went to stay in a hotel room for the night. He FaceTimed me, then he went off call to go to bed. After that he went dead quiet.

I later found out they found him In a puddle of his own vomit, he had gone septic and died in the hospital a few weeks later, just into the beginning of January.

I feel an overwhelming amount of mixed emotions with this time in my life. A part of me misses it but I know deep down inside that whoever I was during that period of time wasn't me. That was a creature lured into a deep sense of psychosis due to drug abuse sought by a severe case of mental illnesses.

I have since been diagnosed with bipolar, PTSD, & borderline personality disorder. I have been on a long road to mental health recovery and am able to function quite normally in the world thanks to my anti psychotics.

Don't do drugs if you were already crazy to begin with, they don't mix well.