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TripSitterNZ

Bluelighter
Joined
May 6, 2019
Messages
5,806
Location
CA
finally recovered my mental health after that chick fed me lies used me and was cheating the whole time during lockdown. Took a while but i guess time did heal me. Shit broke me. Should trusted my gut instincts from the start the first time i ever met her. Never again will i doubt myself. I knew something was off before we even got together.

Shit led me into a dark path of abusing various drugs that don't even work on me anymore due to my tolerance during that bender to escape my own head. Im sure every one remembers my total melt down on bluelight last year lol i went into full fucking psychosis for a little while. Glad i didn't murder anybody. That 3 month lockdown fucking destroyed who I was. I will never forgive the government for putting me through that lockdown. Fucking motherfuckers. So many people killed themselves in my country due to that lockdown. Way more than covid will ever kill in this country. now 36% of people are mentally fucked in a system that has zero mental health support. Trust me i rung those hot lines and so did my mates throughout the country and those smug fuckers on the over end of phone judged us and treated us like shit and gave us no support.



I have spent some time sober some time not. In the end I think i can see the end of the tunnel and acutally become sober one day. As long as something like that doesn't fuck me up again.

The more time i spend with my freedom back the better i feel.

I moved away and went into recovery for 4 months. The depression was insane, but i did get into a better mental state again.

Through the ashes i was reborn like a phoenix and became stronger mentally.
 

Mjäll

Bluelighter
Joined
Jun 25, 2008
Messages
1,311
Having a job is never peaceful for me. I am always on edge, so permeable to other people's energies, so eager to please and do right by everyone while internally intolerant to any amount of human bullshit. It's tense and the tension takes an inordinate amount of time to dissipate. Deep self-care is practically untenable however lucid in concept. I have to juggle the second-guessings, playing make-believe accepting my own conditional inability to reach an accepting frame of mind. Emotionally a cornered animal. Holding on tight, hanging by a thread. Living on a prayer, but less proper working class more crypto-obsolete absurdity of corporeal existence.
 

Treyderaid

Bluelighter
Joined
Nov 17, 2018
Messages
40
Location
Asheville, North Carolina
I've been a member for years, mostly a lurker, but recently I've been in a more available place in my life and have been posting a little here and there. I'm a 30 year old guy from a little town on the beach in North Carolina. I needed somewhere to vent so here it goes. I started smoking weed when I was a young teenager, I was a really talented skateboarder so I was always hanging out with the older dudes and it was usually around. I had the easiest childhood, I was really close to my dad who was a local veterinarian and my brother and I were close enough in age that we did a lot of stuff together and I never really had any issues in life until MY family fell apart when I was 14. Long story short, My dad was very suddenly diagnosed with a rare and aggressive lung-cancer (he was a non-smoker). After he died there was no money coming into the family and things got rough. A lot of weight was put on my young shoulders that I wasn't ready to carry. Then I got started getting high more often, it seemed like at least when I was high I could ride my skateboard and listen to music and get through my day without facing the reality that my world was falling apart. My father died of lung cancer when I was 14, my family fell apart without him, and frankly, this shit made me feel better. It's crazy how over the years your drug use that started as a coping mechanism becomes an issue all of it's own. Next thing I know, I found myself in my mid twenties having just graduated college (I got my bachelor's at UNC Asheville in psychology, go figure lol) with a pretty mediocre GPA and no real plans for my future just doing whatever odd jobs I can to get from month to month with enough dope in my veins to keep from getting sick. been an opiate addict for years, probably at least a decade, I first encountered opiates when I was 16 in high school when a buddy came up to me in the hallway and offered to sell me some 80s for 40 a pill. I knew the kid and told 'him I'd buy em all if he gave em to me for 20 a piece. He had like 8 of 'em so 160$ changed hands and they were mine. I'll never forget the first time I did Oxy. I felt like I had found the solution to all the pain I was feeling. Everybody who has been through it knows that honeymoon feeling with dope only lasts so long. I could probably write a book on my whole story so I'll get down to today now that I've given you guys a greatly minimized background.
I've been on suboxone on and off for at least 6 years now? I'm on 8mg tablets every morning right now and yesterday I had an endocrinology appointment. It went alright, I'm a type 1 diabetic and was diagnosed when I was 7 years old, so I have some health issues, and diabetes isn't the only one either. Anyway, at the end of the appointment, the Dr. told me she wanted to do a Kidney screen by running some lab work on a venous blood sample, long story short they wanted to take some blood, Great, I have pretty sever scarring on both arms and I'm a really difficult stick after almost a decade of IV opiate use and I gotta say, I felt like a fucking junky yesterday. Sitting there in that chair knowing I haven't shot dope in years and knowing...."This is what I get" It brought visions flooding into my mind of all the times I shot OCs and dilaudids and Opanas into my veins and what I've done to myself. She said aloud to me "You have some stiff veins huh?", she dug around some more as I tried not to grimace in pain, then she tried another needle and I just sat there while the young phlebotomist dug around in my arm with a thick gauge needle and couldn't get a drop of my blood, then she says "Have you ever had trouble giving blood before?"; "yeah, I sure have", I replied. She ended up leaving to get another phlebotomist and again the whole process repeated itself as a second phlebotomist dug around in my arm for what seemed like another 10 minutes without accessing even a drop of venous blood the entire time. It sucked. I ended up leaving the Dr's office knowing that I needed to have a kidney test done that I couldn't have done because of my scarred and fibrous veins I've developed from years of intravenous drug abuse. I left that appointment yesterday feeling like a junky and I feel like shit right now and I really hope somebody reads this who is thinking about shooting dope for the first time and reconsiders, that's all I can hope for now.- Trey
 

stardust.hero

Bluelight Crew
Joined
May 20, 2009
Messages
7,362
Location
Sputnik 2
Having a job is never peaceful for me. I am always on edge, so permeable to other people's energies, so eager to please and do right by everyone while internally intolerant to any amount of human bullshit. It's tense and the tension takes an inordinate amount of time to dissipate. Deep self-care is practically untenable however lucid in concept. I have to juggle the second-guessings, playing make-believe accepting my own conditional inability to reach an accepting frame of mind. Emotionally a cornered animal. Holding on tight, hanging by a thread. Living on a prayer, but less proper working class more crypto-obsolete absurdity of corporeal existence.
Are you me tho. Because same.
 
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