Okay. This is where i can rant, right, ventilate myself? Fuck i do it right now. Look, lovely people. Everything is not my fault. Many things are, but not EVERYTHING.
So i wake up this morning (late afternoon now) the usual shit, shaking like a motherfucking leaf. Vomiting. And my mother did it AGAIN!!! AGAIN!!! sent the cops here. Due to me posting some self-destructive fucked up shit online yesterday. So here i was, and a policeman and a policewoman arrives. They evaluated the situation. Nothing dangerous, nothing acute. They wanted to send me to a hospital and i said cool, you know this shit better. It took 2 hours before the paramedics arrived. And the cops were here, with me, all that time. Fucking rock star cops, i mean it. At some point i actually felt like this is not the police versus some kind of an "offender" anymore. We were 3 humans, talking with each other. Honestly, God damn fucking absolutely THE BEST real life conversation i have had in MONTHS.
So the paramedics arrive. Take me to ER in an ambulance. I forgot my cigarettes here. Those of you who smoke tobacco, know how fucked up shit it is, when you do not have it. It is REALLY hard for me to pass an evaluation from a psychiatric, and not end up locked down AGAIN for fucking months and months. I admitted depression. I admitted anxiety. I admitted alcoholism. I did not admit hallucinations or psychosis (look, really, they are not here, within me, now. They have been, severely, but not now)
So then they let me go. Totally fucked. Busted left ankle, limping like a fucking zombie, completely in an other side of this city. I find a grocery store. Bought tobacco and fucking shit load of beer. So here i am. I have done plenty of fucked up shit, take my word for it. BUT THIS ONE WAS NOT MY FAULT. So i cut the fuckers off, and i will leave this city, where i have lived all my life (39 years) and i give my address to NO ONE.
Why mom could not come? She knows really well where i live. I have even given my home door key to her. And she knows that i am never violent, against anyone. Yeah i might say strange stuff. Sometimes it can be really close to hate speech. But i harm no one. Why WHY this bullying? They are nothing anymore. My so called relatives. My so called friends. They are only here to bring me down, and i am a fucking certified professional of bringing myself down without others trying to do that shit.
Sorry. I had to do this. Thank you for letting me share.