I was just sitting here thinking and read @BostonBrownTown wrote and I realized something. I never really expect to "get better". I still don't know what that is. Ever since the day I went to the hospital and the social wrustr saw my wrist I don't really have words like postive or can do or acaccomplishments in future things. I don't see a future for me, just another year I have to try and survive. That lady when she saw me the look on her face was so hurtful and she asked me if I thought it was normal. I don't go out or am very social so I said I thought maybe some people did think about it but not act upon it. She then told me no, that is not normal, no one thinks that way, and that the way I think isn't normal. She then blasted me with all these mental illnesses and away I went. I mean even the lady who is lisenced and hired to help people told me so, so what am I really working towards? I was told by my parents I was never really a happy child. So I don't get how some people wake up and are so happy, so positive, seems like nothing can knock them down. Maybe it's hope or trying to fullfill a dream of theirs. I realized now a long time ago I choose how all this was going to end. I'm just in constant confusion, every time I keep thinking to what that lady said. If I didn't think I would end up in that very hospital again, I prob would of never been here to find this site. They always ask if you currently have a plan to end it all. I say no cause I'm not going back there, but there always is a plan. And so I say good luck to those who have and dreams that guide them everyday to get better. For me unfortunately it ends two ways that I see, evenually behind federal prison or my way........
I am experiencing a distressing flashback
I can't stop crying.
I hope you get through it, I'm not good with words but you are always nice to me and pm me from time to time. My memory is going so I don't remember if I just never replied back to you. Either way, I hope whatever memory or flashback has made you feel this way, I hope this there is someone close by to let you know it's ok.
I feel like a pussy. I have increasingly valid thoughts as to why being dead is more pleasant than being in my current situation. I'm not addicted to anything, minus a slight tendency to go overboard with dexamphetamine (that is only a once-a-month kick, even if that). I have a good home, family, a good job, friends, nice things... sorry if it sounds like I'm bragging. I'm not. I'm trying to make it apparent that the feeling of living just isn't clicking in me.
I'm a student of pharmtox at a reputable university, so i do a lot of chemistry on a daily basis. About a year ago, i went through a massive depression, and when i came out the other side, i felt the joys of being alive but still saw the shadow that all the happy things left in their wake. I'm no stranger to antidepressants and antipsychotics- they're the reason that I've been in inspired to go to college for pharmacology- and after being on A therapeutic regiment, I know they're not the cause of this apathy. If anything, they intensified it. All of the interesting things I want to do are stifled by reality and the bureaucratic bullshit that comes with it.
I can almost pinpoint the feeling of apathy, paradoxically enough- I can feel it from the whole of humanity suffering. How dysfunctional we are. fuckin sucks the life right out of me. Makes me want to OD on some nice warm drugs on a nice warm beach somewhere in the tropics after maxing out my credit cards. I don't expect to find any reason to keep going on, living an unpleasant life where I'm constantly unhappy. As priveliged as I am, and I say that... pathetic. Apathetic, even.
I'm not looking for sympathy- I've got no clue what the fuck I'm looking for. I'm sure theres no afterlife, so I can't say that suicide is bad- I've got proof life will keep going long after I'm gone. i guess I'm looking for empathy, among my people... my fellow stoners, junkies, tweakers, baseheads. collectively you've seen more than any one man can fathom, so maybe you can answer this- what is there to live for, if there is no happiness?
what is there to live for, if there is no happiness?
"live for" is a very vague set of words
You say you're no stranger to antidepressants, antipsychotics, and that you take dextro-amphetamine about 1x a month?
forgive me for asking, but why were you taking antipsychotics?
Were you experiencing schizophrenia, psychotic symptoms, or amphetamine psychosis? Were the antipsychotics for other approved reasons, like agitation, or for off label things like sleep or anxiety reduction?
The antipsychotic class is a catch all for where there really are no good pharmacological options (in my opinion).
What dosages of dextro-amphetamine are you taking? It's best not to use amphetamines. I used to use d-amphetamine, d,l-amphetamine, and methamphetamine (the latter a lot), and I can say that they lead to depression as it's not wise nor often possible to stay on these drugs on the long term.
Are you getting d-amp prescribed for ADHD, or acquiring it somehow?
I have a good home, family, a good job, friends, nice things... sorry if it sounds like I'm bragging. I'm not.
Thank you. Had too many problems to list lately. Trying to be ok.I'm so sorry to hear that hun!
Your other cat still all right?
I used to have 2 and am down to 1 cat now, and my cat is always lonely and misses the other cat's company
Stay strong, and you can PM me
Thank you. Had too many problems to list lately. Trying to be ok.
These are the moments to grab onto, Captain. I am a natural worrier (read:GAD in today's diagnosis-mad world) and when I have these golden opportunities to question my worrying mind, I grab them! Ask yourself if all the worrying you did made anything change as far as the outcome? Certainly it gave you a lot of stress and grief which affects the body's health as well as the mind. I find that focusing my attention on this self-propelled cycle of worrying and literally standing up to it in my moments of clarity and strength is what has changed my thinking/life more than anything. Good for you for recognizing that things are working out "better than expected". Key word: expected.