Just wanting to die almost everyday, I try hard fighting not only my thoughts but family matters I won't go into depth with but I will say it's the main problem now. I guess to start with, I should go back to the begin of my life when everything went down the drain. Well, I'm in the ending of teenage years and have loads of problems dating back to when I never really understood things. (Now I'm not going to make this a big deal but it'll get hard to read not due to me making things up or trying to make a crisp story for all to read because, sadly, a lot of this is going to get really shitty, really quick.) to start with, I have PTSD at a young age (I developed it at age of 16 after a raid that seemed to me like the end of the world due to me and my father facing federal charges) and like you all know, PTSD doesn't just go away nor will it ever decrease in painful memories I live with every minute. I also have major depression that I got thanks to my fucked up family's genetics, and due to major situations I got placed in. I also have such bad anxiety that I can go into PTSD rages or simply put "flash backs" where I'm basically in the same situation I was years back for an example the raids. I'm also basically insane (have psychosis is what doctors state) and think my life is a endless movie where every bad day is a great day for who ever is watching, I can't listen to music due to it mocking me/telling me to kill my self which I've tried but fucking something always has to stop me or not work I also have homicidal tendencies/major in depth gruesome thoughts of murdering anyone who jumped into my life just to ruin it (that's how I think about people basically just bots made to kill me/make me kill myself and I'm quite close atm) or anyone really sometimes I just don't want to see it so I abuse opiates which are becoming harder to get so now I'm just burning my self to ignore the video clip like thoughts/memories of shit I would never want to repeat or do!
I'm extremely pissed of atm due to me not being high and that's really not a problem now I will say I had a problem with benzo's before but you'll understand why I did what I did and do what I do.
Ok well now I should go into depth about my life right? To start, I really hate life, and will do anything to put myself closer to death because I was an 1inch away from death due to a suicide attempt with pills and not eating for 4 days and I felt so good after I woke up I thought I was in heaven till I realized I gave my self a mini stroke at the age of 14
I know it sounds made up no one believes me it's whatever now but clinically I had a legit stroke not just due to an overdose but due to atleast 4 head injuries that never got looked at and I even broke my jaw at the age of 13 and never had it checked out till it broke itself back into place due to dental processors to help a over bite I had when I was younger and YES IT FUCKING HURT! It hurt for 4 months and my mother was a drunk back at that time so I really didn't want to "upset her" (that's what I said to myself when I didn't understand she was on a drug, alcohol) about my jaw even thou I cried myself to sleep every night she just never noticed or something
well some years went by and she got worse. She got so bad that my friends on xbox felt bad for me and if anyone ever gets xbox live or any online bullshit you know/will know how fucked up people can be/are; now back to the topic, I basically was interrogated by my own mother every day up to 15 once she got put into a mental hospital for abuse of beer and whatever my sisters said. Really fucked up because I've been in a mental institute and it's like an elderly home for children popped up on risperdone/SSRI's, but I'll talk about that later. Sorry for constant bullshit I throw in I'm really fucking stupid so I throw in random facts that will soon come together so please stay with me
my mother basically verbally abused me every day for 4 years maybe 6? I can't remember now nor do I want but it got so bad that I said to myself "she'll be better off once I'm dead and gone, maybe she'll even get better" then took a handful of OxyCodone and Xanax about 40mgs of oxy and 12 of xanax I also was like 80 pounds due to me being so sad that I never wanted to eat and would go days without food even thou my mother was a mother in the day/dusk fixing me food whenever and helping with homework but at night she would change into a legit demon in my eyes stumbling around yelling at me for nothing throwing beer bottles breaking anything that made her mad, etc... So I took all those pills and laid back and waited for heaven. It took maybe 15 minutes before I blacked out and had such a vivid dream I actually felt pain! I was shocked 9 times by a ghostly figure shrouded in all white after it broke down a door with a white pentagram on it that looked older than anything I've ever seen like the doors that had no handle just a stick like thing to pull on to open it and close it it also had a large lock for a large key. The room I was in was in tunnel vision so I couldn't get all the details but all I remember was to my left a giant window that looked gothic with mercury hitting it due to it raining and the sky was red with black cracks throughout all the dark clouds. I couldn't get up I was stuck in this queen sized bed made for 2 and it also looked gothic as well as the whole room it self. Now back to the ghostly man on my right busting down this old ass door with a white pentagram drawn in some form of white paint? I'm not sure but I screamed help 6 times in pain like a hot squeeze I was stuck in and then bam down goes the door and I'm shocked 9 times like this guy was general palpaten fucking hitting me with the force for at least 5 mins and then boom I'm up and having a seizure. I'm having a convulsion waking up to pure pain sweating and so many questions but it seemed as if I entered a world that wasn't normal. My mother came up right as I was back to normal and had cooked bacon and was acting very nice which was odd because it was 11am and she wouldn't be up till 3pm so I took advantage and felt great!
I thought my suicide was all just a dream but I felt numb and odd like I couldn't smile like I use to
so I went into my bathroom and looked at my face and my left side of my face was frozen :0 I was tearin up due to me not knowing what really happened but I kept quiet about it and moved on. Now before any of this bullshit I also had broke my jaw at the beach because of my dog ramming me into a front flip then I landed on the side of my face breaking my jaw, displacing my upper spine and wind pipe and fucking up my hip as well. I STILL HAVENT GOTTEN ANY OF THIS LOOKED AT BUT I KNOW ITS TRUE DUE TO INTENSE PAIN I FEEL EVER MINUTE I WALK/look down or eat. I even had the dentist look at it and he said it was at some point broke and said that it happens to children if they have an over bite??? I was pissed hearing that but anyways another professional looked at it and said it is displaced and not due to birth defects but a heavy hit to the left side of my face aka the bullshit at the beach.
So after my mother was placed in a mental institute I was left with my dad and I didn't like it, but it got better
I was going to school everyday which I hated but fuck it I "had too" he said, as well as my sisters which at this point were my guardians and my whole school year was ruined. As time flew by my mom was back in the picture and back in my life
she was healthy but sadly went back to alcohol right as my aunt passed due to alcoholism and I decided to go back with her due to school being 2 cities away because she lived 2 city's away from my father so I made that bad choice thinking she was better but really she wasn't and that's when I said fuck this and fuck that man I'm going to the doctor to see if he can do anything. Well he did, he gave me Ativan for my problems and my anxiety attacks I was having on daily bases especially in high school. I used it right for the first few years and then started to abuse it because my mother attempted suicide once I went to my dad's house to visit him. That fucked up everything for me. I was again stuck at my fathers getting rides from my outter family which is extreme Christians and think that Jesus and god will solve everything and tried so hard to help me but I just couldn't be around annoying people like that everyday dealing with this bullshit.
So I decided to be a dumb ass and sell shit in school got caught and basically from that point forward I was fucked. I became no one in school because once you get caught in school with drugs they put you in a jail like program in school so you learn not to do that shit even thou everyone was on spice or taking large amounts of pills instead of weed due to them getting tested. So once I got out of that I lasted one more year and dropped out of that school and tried this program at the same school but it was all computer based so I basically looked like a fucking retard and was picked on for being in that class but due to all of my problems and shitty situations I had to work, function, and type on 10mg Ativan everyday while people basically fucked with me while I was in my own little world just trying to get the fuck out of school. Once I passed that grade level I dropped out of that school and went to another school which was online and that didn't work so I went to the only school left, which was for "bad kids". Now I loved this school, the teachers, and how it ran. I just couldn't do it because see before I got into that school I was thrown into a mental house for going into a full blown rage that gave me such strength I threw 3 grown healthy adults off of me and basically threw them around like a rag doll strangling out my father backhand slapping my sisters and grabing them by the hair and slaming them into many objects. I had NO control and barley any memories of this happening. I only know because I was told once I found myself in a mental institute
buck naked in some blue bullshit nurse outfit. I was popped up on risperdal and SSRI's so I was a zombie walking and saying things you wanted to hear, doing things you wanted me to do and above all in great pain because I had so much to say but I couldn't talk well or even understand anything. I was fucking drooling coloring a god damn picture of Miley Cyrus for a whole week before I was released.
Once released the drug risperdone had taken it's full effect
giving me legit psychosis and a world Of pain I'm still trapped in. Now back to the new school well I was still on that med and wasn't able to make friends but with this kid who knew he could abuse me and use me for herb
so he did. One day he had weed on him and was showing us and kept opening the bag and pulling the weed out like he was at home (FUCKING DUMB SHIT CUNT MUFFIN!!!) and bam got searched and blamed it on the black kid next to me and then me... So I come into the office with a idk wtf is happening even thou I know what's up but I can't kill my life for this little shits freedom he doesn't need ( i say this because he came from a rich dad who raped a 12 year old after puting rofis in her drink and got thrown into jail for about 30 + years and is about out, yep we have a fucked up justice system- also he had cocain charges/assault charges on him so he was already fucked and really evil) so I act dumb let them search me (even illegally) and they found nothing but pepto lol they felt so dumb but knew I hung out with him and he lived in my hood so they put the police in my area to get me and him in trouble but that didn't happen till he knew he was fucked and took pictures of my weed, showed it to the police at my school and bam got raided
. So before I just stop there let me go into depth. Well first to muscle dumbies pointed .45acp glocks at my dad's head and my head asked if we had any weapons of mass destruction then asked to step out of the car. I got searched my dad did too, luckily they didn't find my happiness on me
and threw us into the squad car as the other drove my car back into the drive way and then busted in my door as I tried to hug my dad but we were cuffed so I was leaning on him asking if "I'd ever see you again" the police officer yelled "stop that!" And then Threw us out of the police car and into our house. My dad said we have this amount of herb here and here and they went and took all of it and asked me if I had drugs. I said yes so thy asked what I had I said xanax bars, promethizane & codeine syrup about a full pint maybe more I think 2 pints they said and then hoarded all of our shit out Into the cars they drove over and luckily my mom came over in a rage yelling at them and acting I sane so they gave us a slap on the wrist because they saw I had no home to go to other than the one they were in
so I was glad but sadly my father went to jail. He got out and we both said fuck that risperdone shit and fun these kids in the hood. So I took up pills and hard drugs and acted like I smoked so he thought I was really high on herb but I never really enjoyed weed other than our families which was grown a state away from mine and was shipped to me and my dad we kept doing good stacking sacks of herb for really my dad because I didn't like it so I kept popping my pills feeling like a god but sadly it happened again
my good friends dad was a ex-cop and thought he was still in the force (metaphor not him being crazy) and busted into my house without permission with a gun and proceed to strangle his son out while I watched and was thinking I should go grab a knife and cut the back of his neck to cut off all bodily functions and cause him to bleed out or be paralyzed. Sadly I had no time to react, he smelt the weed in my room and called his "buddies" to gloat about busting me like what happened the last time
so I was waiting for my dad to get home shackled and searched, and forced to sit on the front of his squad car while my friend cried saying "sorry sorry" as I said "dude it'll be cool, you'll go to a rehab center while I go to prison with my dad for the rest of my life" really I said that... Remember it to this day anyways his dad's car was on the whole time and he burned my back with his head lights because they said to sit there the whole time for 4 hours till they got a warrant. They then slapped me on the wrist and I got lucky but had to do drug test, etc... My dad got out again and was lucky but unlucky with his shop
they took all of our money and left us without simple needs for months
. It took us 3 months to get more money for food and cloths.
At this point I've attempted suicide at least 4 times including the first attempt. I had a fully loaded level 3 fire arm under my chin singing stair way to heaven as I cocked it back and pulled the trigger, but the gun jammed but went off semi? I have no idea how I didn't get my head blasted off but all I heard was a boom and the bullet smashed up into the gun with the shell smashed up into the barrel as well. The other two were failed hanging attempts, it seems like I can't die from anything
I wasn't caught in the act but close. And now I'm still dealing with this fucker the same fucker to be actually legit. That kid who blamed me for the herb decided to rob me.... Really? Yeah I know guys... Like really? But I wasn't haven't it they ran into my room him and his fuck shit friend who was dumb enough not to wear a mask so I figured out it was him and that shit fucker. Anyways they threw a shovel through my back paddio window and kicked the shit out of my puppy who has seizures and made it worse for him but after that they ran into my room and was like "he's here!?!" And I stumbled up from bed mad and confused like the fuck is this? And so I told them where shit was and they took it and then dropped the only bag full of anything while I shot at them stepping in glass and runing after them.
So yep that's where I'm at now recovering from all that shit, it's been four years now since the raids and a year since the robbery. I'm stuck in a suicidal loop of constant flash backs and homicidal thoughts. I take my only med that works which is xanax and sometimes use more than .5 when I'm about to kill myself or someone else. I'm out if meds atm and very mad and recent ally learned how to make bombs so now I'm about to go suicide bombing that fuckboy house on my gf's birthday
I'm not really going to do that but I want to so FUCKING BAD!!! You don't understand!!! I'm basically at this point nothing... I have not future... I can't join the army... I can't even get a normal job due to my mental health problems and physical problems as well
I have no one to talk to I normally talk to myself because everyone I talk to thinks I'm getting mad about what I'm talking about and then acts like I just stabbed them in the back?!? I have no clue what to do all I can think is just go grab my gun and blow my brains out or inject my self with 1cc of pure H. I want a friend
I want help and I want some thing to make me feel great like opiates... I don't have a addiction I only take 5mg of hydro everyday and don't go over that I actually take less drugs then ever and feel horrible
now remember the benzo WD I had to go through 6 years in the past (yes that was 6-8 years now)? That was the only problem with drugs I had so I'm good on the drug thing I just wanna die so bad
please someone at least talk to me? I really need someone to talk to I'm close to just pulling the trigger. I love anyone who post back and will rate if that's possible I really have had a hard quick life and I'm not even old it took 4 hours to type this so please read it if you are skimming throu.