TDS The Suicide Support Thread

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Edaw'Naflagn

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 2, 2015
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576
Location
United States of America
Just wanting to die almost everyday, I try hard fighting not only my thoughts but family matters I won't go into depth with but I will say it's the main problem now. I guess to start with, I should go back to the begin of my life when everything went down the drain. Well, I'm in the ending of teenage years and have loads of problems dating back to when I never really understood things. (Now I'm not going to make this a big deal but it'll get hard to read not due to me making things up or trying to make a crisp story for all to read because, sadly, a lot of this is going to get really shitty, really quick.) to start with, I have PTSD at a young age (I developed it at age of 16 after a raid that seemed to me like the end of the world due to me and my father facing federal charges) and like you all know, PTSD doesn't just go away nor will it ever decrease in painful memories I live with every minute. I also have major depression that I got thanks to my fucked up family's genetics, and due to major situations I got placed in. I also have such bad anxiety that I can go into PTSD rages or simply put "flash backs" where I'm basically in the same situation I was years back for an example the raids. I'm also basically insane (have psychosis is what doctors state) and think my life is a endless movie where every bad day is a great day for who ever is watching, I can't listen to music due to it mocking me/telling me to kill my self which I've tried but fucking something always has to stop me or not work I also have homicidal tendencies/major in depth gruesome thoughts of murdering anyone who jumped into my life just to ruin it (that's how I think about people basically just bots made to kill me/make me kill myself and I'm quite close atm) or anyone really sometimes I just don't want to see it so I abuse opiates which are becoming harder to get so now I'm just burning my self to ignore the video clip like thoughts/memories of shit I would never want to repeat or do! :( I'm extremely pissed of atm due to me not being high and that's really not a problem now I will say I had a problem with benzo's before but you'll understand why I did what I did and do what I do.

Ok well now I should go into depth about my life right? To start, I really hate life, and will do anything to put myself closer to death because I was an 1inch away from death due to a suicide attempt with pills and not eating for 4 days and I felt so good after I woke up I thought I was in heaven till I realized I gave my self a mini stroke at the age of 14 :( I know it sounds made up no one believes me it's whatever now but clinically I had a legit stroke not just due to an overdose but due to atleast 4 head injuries that never got looked at and I even broke my jaw at the age of 13 and never had it checked out till it broke itself back into place due to dental processors to help a over bite I had when I was younger and YES IT FUCKING HURT! It hurt for 4 months and my mother was a drunk back at that time so I really didn't want to "upset her" (that's what I said to myself when I didn't understand she was on a drug, alcohol) about my jaw even thou I cried myself to sleep every night she just never noticed or something :( well some years went by and she got worse. She got so bad that my friends on xbox felt bad for me and if anyone ever gets xbox live or any online bullshit you know/will know how fucked up people can be/are; now back to the topic, I basically was interrogated by my own mother every day up to 15 once she got put into a mental hospital for abuse of beer and whatever my sisters said. Really fucked up because I've been in a mental institute and it's like an elderly home for children popped up on risperdone/SSRI's, but I'll talk about that later. Sorry for constant bullshit I throw in I'm really fucking stupid so I throw in random facts that will soon come together so please stay with me :( my mother basically verbally abused me every day for 4 years maybe 6? I can't remember now nor do I want but it got so bad that I said to myself "she'll be better off once I'm dead and gone, maybe she'll even get better" then took a handful of OxyCodone and Xanax about 40mgs of oxy and 12 of xanax I also was like 80 pounds due to me being so sad that I never wanted to eat and would go days without food even thou my mother was a mother in the day/dusk fixing me food whenever and helping with homework but at night she would change into a legit demon in my eyes stumbling around yelling at me for nothing throwing beer bottles breaking anything that made her mad, etc... So I took all those pills and laid back and waited for heaven. It took maybe 15 minutes before I blacked out and had such a vivid dream I actually felt pain! I was shocked 9 times by a ghostly figure shrouded in all white after it broke down a door with a white pentagram on it that looked older than anything I've ever seen like the doors that had no handle just a stick like thing to pull on to open it and close it it also had a large lock for a large key. The room I was in was in tunnel vision so I couldn't get all the details but all I remember was to my left a giant window that looked gothic with mercury hitting it due to it raining and the sky was red with black cracks throughout all the dark clouds. I couldn't get up I was stuck in this queen sized bed made for 2 and it also looked gothic as well as the whole room it self. Now back to the ghostly man on my right busting down this old ass door with a white pentagram drawn in some form of white paint? I'm not sure but I screamed help 6 times in pain like a hot squeeze I was stuck in and then bam down goes the door and I'm shocked 9 times like this guy was general palpaten fucking hitting me with the force for at least 5 mins and then boom I'm up and having a seizure. I'm having a convulsion waking up to pure pain sweating and so many questions but it seemed as if I entered a world that wasn't normal. My mother came up right as I was back to normal and had cooked bacon and was acting very nice which was odd because it was 11am and she wouldn't be up till 3pm so I took advantage and felt great! :)

I thought my suicide was all just a dream but I felt numb and odd like I couldn't smile like I use to :( so I went into my bathroom and looked at my face and my left side of my face was frozen :0 I was tearin up due to me not knowing what really happened but I kept quiet about it and moved on. Now before any of this bullshit I also had broke my jaw at the beach because of my dog ramming me into a front flip then I landed on the side of my face breaking my jaw, displacing my upper spine and wind pipe and fucking up my hip as well. I STILL HAVENT GOTTEN ANY OF THIS LOOKED AT BUT I KNOW ITS TRUE DUE TO INTENSE PAIN I FEEL EVER MINUTE I WALK/look down or eat. I even had the dentist look at it and he said it was at some point broke and said that it happens to children if they have an over bite??? I was pissed hearing that but anyways another professional looked at it and said it is displaced and not due to birth defects but a heavy hit to the left side of my face aka the bullshit at the beach.

So after my mother was placed in a mental institute I was left with my dad and I didn't like it, but it got better :) I was going to school everyday which I hated but fuck it I "had too" he said, as well as my sisters which at this point were my guardians and my whole school year was ruined. As time flew by my mom was back in the picture and back in my life :) she was healthy but sadly went back to alcohol right as my aunt passed due to alcoholism and I decided to go back with her due to school being 2 cities away because she lived 2 city's away from my father so I made that bad choice thinking she was better but really she wasn't and that's when I said fuck this and fuck that man I'm going to the doctor to see if he can do anything. Well he did, he gave me Ativan for my problems and my anxiety attacks I was having on daily bases especially in high school. I used it right for the first few years and then started to abuse it because my mother attempted suicide once I went to my dad's house to visit him. That fucked up everything for me. I was again stuck at my fathers getting rides from my outter family which is extreme Christians and think that Jesus and god will solve everything and tried so hard to help me but I just couldn't be around annoying people like that everyday dealing with this bullshit.

So I decided to be a dumb ass and sell shit in school got caught and basically from that point forward I was fucked. I became no one in school because once you get caught in school with drugs they put you in a jail like program in school so you learn not to do that shit even thou everyone was on spice or taking large amounts of pills instead of weed due to them getting tested. So once I got out of that I lasted one more year and dropped out of that school and tried this program at the same school but it was all computer based so I basically looked like a fucking retard and was picked on for being in that class but due to all of my problems and shitty situations I had to work, function, and type on 10mg Ativan everyday while people basically fucked with me while I was in my own little world just trying to get the fuck out of school. Once I passed that grade level I dropped out of that school and went to another school which was online and that didn't work so I went to the only school left, which was for "bad kids". Now I loved this school, the teachers, and how it ran. I just couldn't do it because see before I got into that school I was thrown into a mental house for going into a full blown rage that gave me such strength I threw 3 grown healthy adults off of me and basically threw them around like a rag doll strangling out my father backhand slapping my sisters and grabing them by the hair and slaming them into many objects. I had NO control and barley any memories of this happening. I only know because I was told once I found myself in a mental institute :( buck naked in some blue bullshit nurse outfit. I was popped up on risperdal and SSRI's so I was a zombie walking and saying things you wanted to hear, doing things you wanted me to do and above all in great pain because I had so much to say but I couldn't talk well or even understand anything. I was fucking drooling coloring a god damn picture of Miley Cyrus for a whole week before I was released.

Once released the drug risperdone had taken it's full effect :( giving me legit psychosis and a world Of pain I'm still trapped in. Now back to the new school well I was still on that med and wasn't able to make friends but with this kid who knew he could abuse me and use me for herb :( so he did. One day he had weed on him and was showing us and kept opening the bag and pulling the weed out like he was at home (FUCKING DUMB SHIT CUNT MUFFIN!!!) and bam got searched and blamed it on the black kid next to me and then me... So I come into the office with a idk wtf is happening even thou I know what's up but I can't kill my life for this little shits freedom he doesn't need ( i say this because he came from a rich dad who raped a 12 year old after puting rofis in her drink and got thrown into jail for about 30 + years and is about out, yep we have a fucked up justice system- also he had cocain charges/assault charges on him so he was already fucked and really evil) so I act dumb let them search me (even illegally) and they found nothing but pepto lol they felt so dumb but knew I hung out with him and he lived in my hood so they put the police in my area to get me and him in trouble but that didn't happen till he knew he was fucked and took pictures of my weed, showed it to the police at my school and bam got raided :(. So before I just stop there let me go into depth. Well first to muscle dumbies pointed .45acp glocks at my dad's head and my head asked if we had any weapons of mass destruction then asked to step out of the car. I got searched my dad did too, luckily they didn't find my happiness on me ;) and threw us into the squad car as the other drove my car back into the drive way and then busted in my door as I tried to hug my dad but we were cuffed so I was leaning on him asking if "I'd ever see you again" the police officer yelled "stop that!" And then Threw us out of the police car and into our house. My dad said we have this amount of herb here and here and they went and took all of it and asked me if I had drugs. I said yes so thy asked what I had I said xanax bars, promethizane & codeine syrup about a full pint maybe more I think 2 pints they said and then hoarded all of our shit out Into the cars they drove over and luckily my mom came over in a rage yelling at them and acting I sane so they gave us a slap on the wrist because they saw I had no home to go to other than the one they were in :( so I was glad but sadly my father went to jail. He got out and we both said fuck that risperdone shit and fun these kids in the hood. So I took up pills and hard drugs and acted like I smoked so he thought I was really high on herb but I never really enjoyed weed other than our families which was grown a state away from mine and was shipped to me and my dad we kept doing good stacking sacks of herb for really my dad because I didn't like it so I kept popping my pills feeling like a god but sadly it happened again :( my good friends dad was a ex-cop and thought he was still in the force (metaphor not him being crazy) and busted into my house without permission with a gun and proceed to strangle his son out while I watched and was thinking I should go grab a knife and cut the back of his neck to cut off all bodily functions and cause him to bleed out or be paralyzed. Sadly I had no time to react, he smelt the weed in my room and called his "buddies" to gloat about busting me like what happened the last time :( so I was waiting for my dad to get home shackled and searched, and forced to sit on the front of his squad car while my friend cried saying "sorry sorry" as I said "dude it'll be cool, you'll go to a rehab center while I go to prison with my dad for the rest of my life" really I said that... Remember it to this day anyways his dad's car was on the whole time and he burned my back with his head lights because they said to sit there the whole time for 4 hours till they got a warrant. They then slapped me on the wrist and I got lucky but had to do drug test, etc... My dad got out again and was lucky but unlucky with his shop :( they took all of our money and left us without simple needs for months :(. It took us 3 months to get more money for food and cloths.

At this point I've attempted suicide at least 4 times including the first attempt. I had a fully loaded level 3 fire arm under my chin singing stair way to heaven as I cocked it back and pulled the trigger, but the gun jammed but went off semi? I have no idea how I didn't get my head blasted off but all I heard was a boom and the bullet smashed up into the gun with the shell smashed up into the barrel as well. The other two were failed hanging attempts, it seems like I can't die from anything :( I wasn't caught in the act but close. And now I'm still dealing with this fucker the same fucker to be actually legit. That kid who blamed me for the herb decided to rob me.... Really? Yeah I know guys... Like really? But I wasn't haven't it they ran into my room him and his fuck shit friend who was dumb enough not to wear a mask so I figured out it was him and that shit fucker. Anyways they threw a shovel through my back paddio window and kicked the shit out of my puppy who has seizures and made it worse for him but after that they ran into my room and was like "he's here!?!" And I stumbled up from bed mad and confused like the fuck is this? And so I told them where shit was and they took it and then dropped the only bag full of anything while I shot at them stepping in glass and runing after them.

So yep that's where I'm at now recovering from all that shit, it's been four years now since the raids and a year since the robbery. I'm stuck in a suicidal loop of constant flash backs and homicidal thoughts. I take my only med that works which is xanax and sometimes use more than .5 when I'm about to kill myself or someone else. I'm out if meds atm and very mad and recent ally learned how to make bombs so now I'm about to go suicide bombing that fuckboy house on my gf's birthday :mad: I'm not really going to do that but I want to so FUCKING BAD!!! You don't understand!!! I'm basically at this point nothing... I have not future... I can't join the army... I can't even get a normal job due to my mental health problems and physical problems as well :( I have no one to talk to I normally talk to myself because everyone I talk to thinks I'm getting mad about what I'm talking about and then acts like I just stabbed them in the back?!? I have no clue what to do all I can think is just go grab my gun and blow my brains out or inject my self with 1cc of pure H. I want a friend :( I want help and I want some thing to make me feel great like opiates... I don't have a addiction I only take 5mg of hydro everyday and don't go over that I actually take less drugs then ever and feel horrible :( now remember the benzo WD I had to go through 6 years in the past (yes that was 6-8 years now)? That was the only problem with drugs I had so I'm good on the drug thing I just wanna die so bad :( please someone at least talk to me? I really need someone to talk to I'm close to just pulling the trigger. I love anyone who post back and will rate if that's possible I really have had a hard quick life and I'm not even old it took 4 hours to type this so please read it if you are skimming throu.
 
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rusalka666

Greenlighter
Joined
Apr 1, 2015
Messages
3
Hi Edaw,
I am new to bluelight... I read your post earlier this morning.
It sounds like you've been through some very traumatizing situations in your life, many of which were beyond your control.
My heart goes out to you and I am here if you need to talk.
 

lovepetal78

Greenlighter
Joined
Apr 3, 2015
Messages
3
Location
Wisconsin
Hi All I am survivor of a failed suicide attempt 6 yrs ago and want to attempt again. I live in pain daily as lost my arm and knee on left. I am worried that if attempted again be left worse off then i am now bit got 900mg of oxycodoene and 1350mg of morphine but know my luck.
 

crunchyplanets

Bluelighter
Joined
Nov 16, 2014
Messages
112
Location
wasteland
I'm feeling much better today. Thank you again captain H for your kind words. I seriously needed it. Being a mom is a thankless job. People just expect you do be awesome at it all the time. So hearing that I should feel good about myself felt very nice.
My in laws have gone shopping babies napping and I'm about to just sit in silence for a minute.
Made appointment Monday to see if I can get on some sort of mood stabilizer. I really think I need it.

I have a 2 year old and battle with anxiety, i definitely feel like a shitty mom. Once in a blue moon I'll ask my sister to watch her for a couple of hours so i can clean or read a book. Im talking once every six months, or ill leave her at daycare until 330. Everyday i pick her up at 200. Once every couple months though. i love to spend time with her, but need a break. I dont go out to bars, i dont go to the movies. But, when i get this alone time my husband tells me im a shitty mother because i need the alone time, which does make me sad, i feel justified. Everyone else tells me im a good mom, but yeah its hard. Working 40 hours a week, having a 2 year old, taking care of a home, and then someones gotta be an asshole and tell me i aint good enough at it. Ugh sorry, i needed to vent, and i seen your a mom.


Keep up the good work, WE ARE GREAT MOMS!
 

crunchyplanets

Bluelighter
Joined
Nov 16, 2014
Messages
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Location
wasteland
For Edwa ( i suck at forums )

Man, that is nuts. Im not saying nuts like i dont believe you, i do. Its funny how sometimes,our lives are SO FUCKED up you wanna say "this is going to sound like a lifetime movie, but....heres my childhood". I've been through some fucked up shit (had to stab my dad because he was strangling my mom). Mom was abusive, and got molested. I too, suffer from PTSD. If you ever need to talk private message me. Im not saying that i know EXACTLY how you feel, but i know how bad the past can truly haunt you. Like i said, private message if you ever need to talk. As for the risperdone, my brother is schizophrenic, he is on that. Do you have schizophrenia, if you dont mind me asking. I don't judge.

You seem like a very wise person, and your only in your late teens? ( or did i read that wrong?) That right there says to me that you suffered enough to fill up a lot of lifetimes. Im happy you found the ativan. And happy you got some sleep.

"We have not journeyed across the centuries, across the oceans, across the mountains, across the prairies, because we are made of sugar candy." -winston churchill.

you've pushed through this far, you ARE very strong.
 

Edaw'Naflagn

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 2, 2015
Messages
576
Location
United States of America
Well see I'm not schizophrenic but I have psychosis is what I've been told due to PTSD and emontial problems I've had since 6. I take xanax and that works best for my psychosis the BEST but trust me I've been on and off of 100 different meds for my conditions and on top of that I have very bad phycal pain due to all the accidents that happened at a young age like the mini stroke and the broke jaw, etc... So it's a combo of physical pain X really tough emontial problems I've had for years (I'm about to get surgery for my jaw/back cause the docs said u have dislocated a few spots in your spine.) On top of that I have PTSD so they wanna give me xanax with the pain killers at a good dose for me and that helps A LOT and I don't ever get WD from opiates just slight head aches and some panic attacks but that's why I have my xanax ready to pop when needed. I really do love how this website has helped so much and I love you and rusalka666 for halping me out. It makes me feel much better :) anyways I'm helping an old friend of mine out by making rick Sampson oil for his mother who has really bad cancer so I feel like I'm a pretty good person I just feel like I'm worthless because of the meds I need but not im not a addict, trust me I learned from that; but I will private message you when needed; could you teach me how to private message? Or send me a link? I'm really new at blogs and such like you too lol.
 

crunchyplanets

Bluelighter
Joined
Nov 16, 2014
Messages
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Location
wasteland
I sent you a private message detailing how to do so. You are not worthless because of the meds. Everyone has their reasons for taking one thing or another. I would not be able to deal with that much psychical pain, so go you for chugging along anyways. Im happy to hear about the surgery. It will help definitely (after healing) to make you feel better. It's sad that this wasnt taken care of a long time ago, but its good that your finally getting the help you need with it! =)
 

subotai

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 25, 2014
Messages
11,672
hows it going CH?

Im cool, im not gonna kill myself. Im starting to realize I've been living with depression for basically my entire life though.

I've had a couple different medical issues as a kid and my family always fought with each other when I was growing up so I just became a recluse to avoid the petty arguments my immidiate family would get into with each other.

I remember reading an AIM conversation between my mom and dad that was left on the computer one day and this was right before they got divorced and basically they both agreed I was going to grow up to be mentally unstable and that I should see a psychologist.

I went to like 6 sessions with this guy, real cool guy, but I told them I didnt want to go anymore. I read the report he gave my parents afterwards and it basically said I wasnt really mentally ill but just a loner who lacked motivation. I even fixed a problem the psychologist was having with his computer one time during the session and he only charged my parents half the usual fee that time which I thought was pretty cool

Im not mentally ill, I just took a lot of drugs and dissappeared a lot. I can get along with anyone, I just always feel so distant from people at the same time. It's like no matter how much I try to form relationships with people (let alone females specifically), I just wind up doing my own thing at the end of the day because I don't want to feel like I'm imposing into the lives of people I don't know very well and I haven't talked to any of my old friends in like five years.

I was a loner until high school, socialized until I graduated high school, and then just started doing any drug I could get my hands on and went back to isolation in order to allow myself the ability to do said drugs without being judged by people who knew me before I started using them.

I want to make friends and help people out with shit but at the same time Im trying to fight my own demons here and they still win out usually.

I cant be emotionally unstable because I dont really have a lot of emotions when im not on drugs. My posts should really be read with a monotone voice because that is how I sound in my mind.

But since I like to be alone when I take drugs, my emotional side just sort of fades away into conversations with myself about anything and everything and they wound up on Bluelight a lot of times as well.

I just wish I could find ways accepted by society to be happy but up until this point I've been on the outside looking in and was too high to care.

Now im 23 years old and basically have nothing, for better or worse. No money, very mininal debt (less than 200 dollars for a couple different things), no car, no friends, no college education, no real drive to do anything. I just sort of go day-to-day and try to figure out what I want to do with myself.

And I always tell my Mom "I'll figure shit out eventually" but I just keep going back to heroin because that's the only thing I feel comfortable associatiang with and I never go out of my comfort zone because I'm a huge pussy when it comes to socializing really. I always feel like I'm an outsider when it comes to hanging out with new people and even if I get along with people and make them laugh and shit like I'll just find a reason to not hang out with them because I'm not satisfied with where I am with my own life and therefore don't really have the confidence to be the person I am when I am on drugs.

When I'm on drugs, I dont give a fuck. I'll talk to anyone. But I cant constantly do drugs and form actual friendships with people

But since I'm a loner when I'm not on drugs, I dont form actual friendships with people.

It's quite a catch-22 ive nodded my way into, and I've been contemplating how to end this phase of my life for a decent amount of time now.

The obvious answer: stop doing drugs.

easier said than done

the simplest and lazy way out: kill myself

but I feel like I haven't exhausted all options yet.

but the thought is always there in the back of my mind.

I am trying to figure shit out though, it's just taking me longer than it should have because I know what I need to do, I just procrastinate like it's going out of style and that's what is ruining my life. I need to find interest in shit but I feel like the drugs have re-wired my brain and I can't get enough clean time to change that.

But I haven't given up hope yet, because if I did than I would have intentionally overdosed by now.
 

subotai

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 25, 2014
Messages
11,672
and part of the problem is I have a hole in my nose which doesn't allow me to get a good night's sleep so Im pretty sure I've developed some form of sleep apnea because a lot of times I'll wake up exhausted and just sort of sleepwalk through work. The only way I can really motivate myself to do anything is if I find some sort of drug to take and over the past year that has been either heroin or klonopin. I dont smoke weed anymore, I dont take amphetamines anymore because I had heart problems as an infant so I'd be digging my own grave there, I dont take psychadelics anymore because I dont know anyone to take them with, and I've never really been a huge fan of alcohol. It's not that I react negatively to alcohol, it's just not something I'd enjoy by myself.

that's really why I have such a problem with opiates, they are the ultimate drug for loners because you dont need anyone else to have a good time. You just enter your own world and suddenly nothing bothers you anymore and it is easy to want to strive for that feeling all the time.

I just need to work on integrating myself into more stable social settings and put myself out of my comfort zone more often in order to figure out things I might enjoy but just never knew I would because I never tried. Like if I went to a nightclub for example, Im sure I could make friends with more or less anyone I tried to because I'm actually quite empathetic, I just never really do that because for one: all my money went to heroin, and secondly: see - huge pussy
 

herbavore

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Jul 26, 2011
Messages
14,956
Location
in a dream
Subtotal, I'm going to go out on a limb and ask if you have ever explored life from a spiritual point of view? I don't mean religion, I mean something greater than day-to-day interactions with your immediate reality (people, work, place-specific culture, etc)? The reason I ask is that it seems you are a kind and thoughtful person but the fact that you grew up feeling isolated kept you from any sense of connection. Psychedelics can sometimes open this door, but they certainly are not the only way.
 

V82

Bluelighter
Joined
Dec 3, 2011
Messages
130
How much benzos and alcohol to kill myself

How much benzos and alcohol do I need to kill myself. I can't take it anymore. There is no point. I'm to weak. Please just tell me.
 
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