I know that feeling all too well. Just getting in the car and driving somewhere important like the gym or grocery store is an absolute victory. During the first stage of withdrawals for me there is a long and tense moment where I argue with myself about whether I will actually die from a trip out of the house. ‘No way in hell I could actually go and work out, but wouldn’t it be a death sentence to even get into the car?’
Usually at some point I just get up and go. Mostly I got really good at pushing through the fear and straight up exhaustion that would have stopped me because I was constantly trying to hide my withdrawals. At some point around a year ago, I had been through the withdrawals so many times, so many months in a row, that it sort of became like a trip to the proctologist: I knew that it would be unbelievably uncomfortable but nobody ever died, and if I can just pretend to be strong when there are witnesses then I can come home and fall apart in privacy.
The other thing that I learned was that it’s a victory. Its such a small and seemingly insignificant victory to just get dressed, shave, teeth brushed, put on cologne, and get into the car. Then it’s a small victory to just start the car and idle down the street. And it doesn’t matter where I drive to, it takes all of my strength to keep focused and NOT think about how much less this would suck if I didn’t run out of pills. But when I get back home and change back into my pajamas and crawl back into bed, after telling my wife only that my back hurt (not about the wd’s), there is a moment when I am so damn proud of myself for manning-up and not choosing to pass on my responsibilities for that minute.
It doesn’t matter where I went. Work, grocery store, etc. It’s my fault I screwed my self, but I would feel like a slug if I cowered behind my withdrawals and made everyone else handle my responsibilities. “If I can make it through this trip to the grocery store then I have definitely earned a few hours of doing absolutely nothing” or “I just need to get to work. Today’s Friday and if I can make it through then I’ll have the whole weekend to lay around.”
Those very short and insignificant goals gave me something to focus on that was attainable and could provide me with some kind of satisfaction that I didn’t have to wait long to achieve. Thinking about how nice it will be when I have been off the pills for a month is absolutely murder, but feeling like I climbed Mount Everest by going to the grocery grocery for 5 minutes would always make me feel 10x less hopeless.
It’s also an effective way of using up a few minutes out of the day, and every minute spent is a minute earned when you’re in withdrawal.