Positive The Tapering Supportive/Social Thread

[Squeaky]

What the hell is wrong with me? If I was in school I wouldn’t be thinking about the four years ahead. If I was in the Army, I would just get up and do what I’m told without thinking about the next two years. My child was born and I was so focused on being a good father today that the next 18 years barely entered my mind. I never even considered how long I would be on those pills when I got my first prescription.

But now that I’m quitting....... look the F out! I have plenty of medical and dental problems that have gone on for decades, and they’re causing me pains right now. They won’t be fixed for years (if ever), but Im barely even thinking about those things. I make a decision that it’s time to quit the pills and instantly I become Father Time.

I noticed this morning that I’m doing this: I took my last pill at 5 am on Saturday two weeks ago.
Today I woke up at 4:30 and I was hurting. I started doing the math and figured out that it has been two weeks...... almost.... 30 minutes short of 14 days. I went straight back to that morning and I knew my next to last pill was the night before. In that moment I felt stupid for taking a pill at 5:00 a.m. and throwing away the 12 hours head start that I would have had. If I hadn’t done that two weeks ago I could have woken up to a solid two weeks off and been pretty proud of myself. Instead I got to feel stupid for a half of an hour.

I’m just thinking out loud. My guess is I’m not alone in this.

 

[Dundermifflin8699]

What the hell is wrong with me? If I was in school I wouldn’t be thinking about the four years ahead. If I was in the Army, I would just get up and do what I’m told without thinking about the next two years. My child was born and I was so focused on being a good father today that the next 18 years barely entered my mind. I never even considered how long I would be on those pills when I got my first prescription.

But now that I’m quitting....... look the F out! I have plenty of medical and dental problems that have gone on for decades, and they’re causing me pains right now. They won’t be fixed for years (if ever), but Im barely even thinking about those things. I make a decision that it’s time to quit the pills and instantly I become Father Time.

I noticed this morning that I’m doing this: I took my last pill at 5 am on Saturday two weeks ago.
Today I woke up at 4:30 and I was hurting. I started doing the math and figured out that it has been two weeks...... almost.... 30 minutes short of 14 days. I went straight back to that morning and I knew my next to last pill was the night before. In that moment I felt stupid for taking a pill at 5:00 a.m. and throwing away the 12 hours head start that I would have had. If I hadn’t done that two weeks ago I could have woken up to a solid two weeks off and been pretty proud of myself. Instead I got to feel stupid for a half of an hour.

I’m just thinking out loud. My guess is I’m not alone in this.

Nope...you ain't alone...!

 

[Dundermifflin8699]

All those last days prior to the next refill..
Counting the pills, looking at the calendar, and that head full of thinking im sick of this sht..
Then getting the refill and cranking it up again...
WTF .....years gone by

 

[Squeaky]

All those last days prior to the next refill..
Counting the pills, looking at the calendar, and that head full of thinking im sick of this sht..
Then getting the refill and cranking it up again...
WTF .....years gone by

It’s nice to hear I’m not alone. Sometimes I just feel stupid for being so stupid.

 

[Squeaky]

I have completely lost my cravings for oxy. I’m not naive enough to think I’m “cured”, but I am all too familiar with cravings and I haven’t had any for two weeks.
It’s sort of surreal to have repeated that pattern so many times, expecting a different outcome but NEVER seeing a change. At some point around two years ago I just gave up and decided that it was my life, my body was broken, and nothing would ever change. So to be in such a different head-space is a little confusing.
I’m still setting little goals like I did every month, without even realizing it. Numbering the days or weeks since ny last Dr appr, or until my next one. My next goal is to stop mentally scheduling my life around those appointments. It’s turning out more difficult than I thought it would be.

 

[Dundermifflin8699]

Addiction, especially chronic over years has so many underlying psychological and physical and spiritual components.
to take my blood pressure medicine in the morning reaching for the pills it's such a learned behavior.
That's why I was saying taking ibuprofen is somewhat satisfying the behavioral component...

*My physical health is really bad I've been deconditioned physically over a number of years and have muscle atrophy, weakness, etc.
I've been paying the YMCA $50 a month for 10 years and have not been there probably in 3 years.
I remember feeling so pumped up in the morning many years ago, after I worked out a little bit and was ready for the day just totally ready and enthused...

Update ...
No craving for Norco, 2 weeks out
Took a few trams yesterday..

. It's basic, but these are small changes pushing thru
got the car wash yesterday
Put out the sprinklers in the yard arrange the hoses
Replace a refrigerator filter

 

[Squeaky]

It's basic, but these are small changes pushing thru
got the car wash yesterday
Put out the sprinklers in the yard arrange the hoses
Replace a refrigerator filter

Those things are a lot more important than we realize. Most people would say ‘whats the big deal?’, but just getting in the car can feel like climbing Mt Everest. Between my withdrawals and the pandemic, I have barely left the house except for work in over a year.

 

[Squeaky]

This Kratom situation is becoming a bit like the oxy situation. I hurt, so I take more even though my goal is to take less. I can’t tell for sure if I’ll ever get down to zero. The main difference is that I can get more and I’m not high, not ever, not even a little. SO I’m eager to cut my dosage instead of trying to get more.
Sounds like progress to me......

 

[n3ophy7e]

I can’t tell for sure if I’ll ever get down to zero.

You did with oxy, so...
Definitely progress

 

[Dundermifflin8699]

Update..
Sleeping almost normal now...with dreams
Now getting off the tramadol....
Trying to change my behavior and not take one till after lunch and or take it on Motrin instead.

Real psychological hold....
I've never tried Kratom...
I so much want to live on the natural side of it all....

I guess getting off the Norco and having the whole 10 days to 2 weeks of no sleep restless leg syndrome etc is a victory...

One minute,one hour,one day

 

[Squeaky]

You did with oxy, so...
Definitely progress

Thank you for the kind words and support.

One of the real problems with the pills is I am actually in pain. All day and all night. It was amplified by the withdrawals, and my tolerance for the opiates is sky high because of Kratom. The addiction to the pills became a problem, but I still hurt. Sometimes it’s really bad. Kratom is definitely helping me go to work every day. (Yesterday I had to basically deadlift a 450 lb pallet of equipment at work with one other person helping. A SMALL person.) As much as I want off of everything..... it might not be possible. I’m not beating myself up on this one though. It’s working.

 

[Squeaky]

19 days off oxy. Last month I went 24 days I think. I had been going on the pills for 7-10 days and off then for 2-3 weeks fir the last couple of months. I had gotten to where I really didn’t want to use the pills anymore but I would fall back into my old habits and just take one as a treat, or take some because I was a little too sore that day. One became way too many and next thing I’m running out.
Long story short: I’m thinking about my pills but really only because I have been stuck in this pattern forever. Right about now I would be trying to convince myself that I would do better, and then fail. But this is the time of the month when that happens and it’s really screwing with me that it’s not going to happen. It feels like I missed my period!

 

[Squeaky]

I have said it before but it bears repeating..... I’m posting my fight with my pain and pills in the hope that it will help someone, anyone, who finds themselves in my position.

I got my prescription refilled. I discussed it with my wife before hand. Here’s the problem:
My tolerance is through the roof. If I need any pain management for anything in the next couple of years I’m not going to get much more than a few Norco and I’m going to be screwed. One good trip to the dentist and I’ll be ready to commit suicide by the next day. If I try to describe my situation to any Dr and tell him that I have been off the opiates for the last few months, he’s going to say that my tolerance should be down to zero and all I’m getting is 5mg Norco (I know this because it happened to me once already). No amount of reasoning is going to change the fact that I’ll need a LOT more than he’s willing to prescribe. On that day I will get to feel the full force of my mistakes and suffer in ways I can’t imagine right now.

SO.... I got my prescription filled and handed it directly to my wife with specific instructions that I am not to be allowed to have any, not for any reason, not at any time, regardless of the situation. If I’m bleeding from my eyeballs I am not allowed even one pill. The only exception is if I have been given a new prescription from another physician we can talk about how to handle my pain management, but otherwise she has explicit instructions to throw them out if I so much as hint that I want them.
The logic is this: If they’re not there I can’t use them regardless of the situation, so regardless of the situation I don’t have access to them right now NO EXCUSES NO EXCEPTIONS. I know that a huge component to my overuse of my prescription is just bad habits, so I need more than anything else to change my habits. I know that I cannot be trusted to police myself, and also that I can live without them. I have been reluctant to let go of that prescription because of what I have already experienced with prescribers refusing to “over-prescribe” pain killers and I know the time will come when I have a serious need.
It’s difficult to have something that works just out of reach, but it’s more than ‘out of reach’ now. I don’t know any other way to solve today’s problem without setting myself up for serious problems later. Only time will tell if this is a mistake. My guess is that most people would say I’m just an addict trying to hold on to my addiction. I’m not looking for acceptance here, just venting. I’m guess we will see if this rabbit hole can get any deeper...... but I’m really done this time. I think about my prescription and I immediately see only the negative effects it has had on my life. I should have done this two years ago.

 

[Squeaky]

Sorry to all those hoping for me to just give it up for ever, but I just don’t think that’s my best option.

 

[Nurse Ratched]

Sorry to all those hoping for me to just give it up for ever, but I just don’t think that’s my best option.

It's understandable. You are in an intimate relationship with your pills and believe me...I understand. You speak of them as fondly as you would a lover and I understand that too. I had that lover once. But it betrayed me and kept me it's prisoner.

Stay safe, be well and follow your heart. There is nothing wrong with that at all.

 

[Squeaky]

It's understandable. You are in an intimate relationship with your pills and believe me...I understand. You speak of them as fondly as you would a lover and I understand that too. I had that lover once. But it betrayed me and kept me it's prisoner.

Stay safe, be well and follow your heart. There is nothing wrong with that at all.

You couldn’t have said it better.
I figure I screwed it up every month for years, one more try/one more month isn’t going to kill me. I have had a few girlfriends who did me worse than the pills and I lived. Somehow I met my wife and it all worked out.

 

[Squeaky]

I know myself well enough to know that if I have another surgery and pain management sucks, I’ll wind up on heroin. That or drinking myself into an early grave. Either one would have to be 10x worse than one more try with the pills (more like one more try without).

I have had this theory since long before the pills were a factor: If I die, suicide or surgery or whatever, then everything that anyone ever tried will have failed. Blame it on me, my doctors, my screwed up head. It doesn’t matter. I’m still dead and my wife is a widow. That’s not an option. Every person I encounter has an opinion about what’s best, and I appreciate everyone’s input but if I follow the wrong path I’ll be gone and no amount of hindsight can fix it.

 

[Nurse Ratched]

I know myself well enough to know that if I have another surgery and pain management sucks, I’ll wind up on heroin. That or drinking myself into an early grave. Either one would have to be 10x worse than one more try with the pills (more like one more try without).

I have had this theory since long before the pills were a factor: If I die, suicide or surgery or whatever, then everything that anyone ever tried will have failed. Blame it on me, my doctors, my screwed up head. It doesn’t matter. I’m still dead and my wife is a widow. That’s not an option. Every person I encounter has an opinion about what’s best, and I appreciate everyone’s input but if I follow the wrong path I’ll be gone and no amount of hindsight can fix it.

Just stay focused on your quality of life and your well being and everything else will fall into place. Stay safe, sane and as healthy as you can. If you have bad pain, pop a pill. If it's not too bad have an NSAID. If you are feeling pretty good, just have a bowl of ice cream !!

 

[Squeaky]

Just stay focused on your quality of life and your well being and everything else will fall into place. Stay safe, sane and as healthy as you can. If you have bad pain, pop a pill. If it's not too bad have an NSAID. If you are feeling pretty good, just have a bowl of ice cream !!

My plan for now is no pills. I’m just letting myself deal with life as though the pills don’t exist. The problem before was that the option to take a pill for pain was always there, so since I’m always in pain.......
The only chance of any version of this working is if I don’t have that choice anymore. Not even if my pain is extreme. My goal here is to artificially create a life where there are no pills to be had. I didn’t even open the bag at the pharmacy so that the image of a full bottle wouldn’t be in my head. The last time I saw my pills was when I poured them out.

 

[Dundermifflin8699]

Update
Been off of Norco for 3 weeks now
Still on trams seems like I can't get away from it.
You so much want to go into the summer without slave to the refills..
I didn't have a few days without meds two weeks ago . The back pain knees and all the other crap pretty severe..

I think I'm still leaching out Norco cuz I've had a few nights again insomnia and restless leg..