I have said it before but it bears repeating..... I’m posting my fight with my pain and pills in the hope that it will help someone, anyone, who finds themselves in my position.
I got my prescription refilled. I discussed it with my wife before hand. Here’s the problem:
My tolerance is through the roof. If I need any pain management for anything in the next couple of years I’m not going to get much more than a few Norco and I’m going to be screwed. One good trip to the dentist and I’ll be ready to commit suicide by the next day. If I try to describe my situation to any Dr and tell him that I have been off the opiates for the last few months, he’s going to say that my tolerance should be down to zero and all I’m getting is 5mg Norco (I know this because it happened to me once already). No amount of reasoning is going to change the fact that I’ll need a LOT more than he’s willing to prescribe. On that day I will get to feel the full force of my mistakes and suffer in ways I can’t imagine right now.
SO.... I got my prescription filled and handed it directly to my wife with specific instructions that I am not to be allowed to have any, not for any reason, not at any time, regardless of the situation. If I’m bleeding from my eyeballs I am not allowed even one pill. The only exception is if I have been given a new prescription from another physician we can talk about how to handle my pain management, but otherwise she has explicit instructions to throw them out if I so much as hint that I want them.
The logic is this: If they’re not there I can’t use them regardless of the situation, so regardless of the situation I don’t have access to them right now NO EXCUSES NO EXCEPTIONS. I know that a huge component to my overuse of my prescription is just bad habits, so I need more than anything else to change my habits. I know that I cannot be trusted to police myself, and also that I can live without them. I have been reluctant to let go of that prescription because of what I have already experienced with prescribers refusing to “over-prescribe” pain killers and I know the time will come when I have a serious need.
It’s difficult to have something that works just out of reach, but it’s more than ‘out of reach’ now. I don’t know any other way to solve today’s problem without setting myself up for serious problems later. Only time will tell if this is a mistake. My guess is that most people would say I’m just an addict trying to hold on to my addiction. I’m not looking for acceptance here, just venting. I’m guess we will see if this rabbit hole can get any deeper...... but I’m really done this time. I think about my prescription and I immediately see only the negative effects it has had on my life. I should have done this two years ago.
