Positive The Tapering Supportive/Social Thread

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Squeaky

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Hey folks....
Still here... Norco/tram still happening..
Had epidural at VA and relieved sciatic pain a bit...
Looks like blog is still going good..

Middle of month and already have to begin slowing and taper...
I only ask because it was happening to me:
I took the pills for a specific problem, like sciatic nerve pain, and they worked. After a while the pain was more spread out, like basically everything hurt. When the sciatic pain gets gone (like after an epidural) it feels like the pills are no longer needed so I should stop using them instantly. BUT now the aches and pains are basically everywhere and not using the pills is no longer an option. AND there’s a little voice telling me that I really screwed myself because the epidural solved my first problem and I should be back to a happy, pain and pill free life. Then the guilt of being addicted always made me say “Fuck it! If I’m going to be dependent on these pills them I might as well be comfortable” (So I’d take extra, run out, withdrawal, and do it all over next month).

We can’t seem to separate the prescriptions from the epidurals. So here’s the question..... Would your life be better in the long run if you just quit getting medical treatment? No more doctors appointments. No more pharmacy. Would dealing with the pain you had before the pills be better than the life you have right now?
 

Dundermifflin8699

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Oh yes, cerebrally i know the proper answers to those excellent questions...

I concede that addiction has control over me, and runs my life..

Going meds free and care free seems like its just out of reach....
But ive done it before
Thank you
 

Squeaky

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Oh yes, cerebrally i know the proper answers to those excellent questions...

I concede that addiction has control over me, and runs my life..

Going meds free and care free seems like its just out of reach....
But ive done it before
Thank you
You’re half way there. It’s just that last step that’s a bitch.
Everybody here is rooting for you!
 

Squeaky

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You
I have to keep reading this sub. So my hand got hurt somehow. Maybe sprained it picking up a rock or boulder I guess. But, you know. It is swollen and won't bend. It hurt really really bad for 24 twenty four hours. But it was swollen and I have witnesses that said wtf. Doctors won't help. They say I am fine. Well with delta variant being spread to the world and war drums beating I suppose I am just fine. Maybe the brace can help again.

So is it the pain medication doing this or all of it combined. If its from the pain meds I am quitting right now !!!

I am so confused and sick. Thank you for all the people who honestly believed my pain.

I am sick with something and maybe for some reason. I hurt and am depressed but I have family to look after allot too. Oh and my dog. I try to explain to her that I am sick. We do alright though with it too. So far we are soldiers together.
You sound exactly like I did a year ago. In the middle of my “pain management” journey I was always in some kind of pain. And everything I did was basically dangerous (I was constantly hurting myself). It would be my back today, knee tomorrow, neck this weekend, etc. And it was all real pain/injuries, with swelling and visible problems that even my Dr assumed could not be related to my opiate/benzo use.
I attributed all of it to a combination of lack of sleep and dehydration. I couldn’t sleep because my back (surgery) hurt. The medicine made me ‘not thirsty’ so I didn’t drink enough water. I had no appetite so I was probably malnourished. It all sounded like I needed more pills.

I couldn’t understand it until I had been off the pills for about 2 months. I stopped having all of those ‘real’ pains. Now I only hurt where I’m supposed to hurt because of my injury. I’m also no longer trying to live a normal life, so I quit working when things hurt and I get injured a LOT less (before, I was constantly trying to pretend I was all good and using the pills to appear ‘normal’).
 

Hippy Flower Fairy

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I can't get off 20mg of vallies, it's to hard, I wake up scared and anxious and sometime need a little more, and the bigger part of that dose is for insomnia

The odd promethazine occasionally if I still can't sleep, I've cut out the CBD, was meant to taper off vallies on to that but it gave me nightmares this time, just like almost all antidepressants did, CBD ain't done that before

I know this is a low dose compared to what I used to be on, I actually have generalised anxiety disorder and social anxiety, my doctor should have me on valium considering 15 different types of antidepressants didn't work and caused side effects and serotonin syndrome, tried propranolol and busperone, horrible, horrible pills they was, and a doctor even put me on quietapine, which they gave me even though its an antiphycotic, I was only on that a few days before I couldn't handle the side effects that which felt like tardive dyskinesia, I kept doing weird things with my mouth and tounge and sounds and talking on the TV creeped me out, stopped after only a day or so

But no doctors priscribe valium these days or they give you a one off 6 x 2mg it's a piss take

What the fuck do I do, I know the 20mg won't be enough soon but I don't want to keep going up, been there before but I've nothing for my anxiety, and on off depression, they seem to help my fibromyalgia too because the anxiety etc makes fibromyalgia worse, so keeping it at bay helps my chronic pain condition, although I'm not completely anxiety free they help me enough right now, just about

On nothing I can't leave the house and if the depression comes back I can't cope, and yes I've tried meditation and talking therapy and about to do an online course thing to help my overthinking which a pain clinic as if I sort the anxiety out it might help the pain, waiting to hear back about that

Scraping off a small amount of the pills to taper is all well and good by my vendor runs out of the ones I'm used to so now I have different ones so they are probably dosed different, as that make was when I had them before, and they are half the size of the ones I've been on, imported pills are probably dosed different in each pill too so there's that
 

Painful One

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@Hippy Flower Fairy , I take a benzo daily for chronic pain and sleep disorder.
The ones I take are a lot stronger than Valium.
If that is really what you are getting.? IDK? Sounds like you have had to turn to the street.
I have noticed that I can take half of my daily dosage and not have horrific withdrawal symptoms.
It certainly is not as comfortable and muscle relaxing abilities are not as good but no major benzodiazepine
withdrawal.
I’m so sorry that the medical systems has been no help to many of us.
It should not be that way!
This self medicating thing is where lots of trouble can happen. Be careful my friend.
Why do you think you need to go up in dosage?
I have been able to maintain- manage my situation without having to increase the dosage.
Let us know how it is going.

@Squeaky - I’m so proud of you! Seriously four months without any oxy??!!?!
That is amazing ! Well done!
You should be starting to feel a whole lot better real soon.
You made it through the worse.
I am really happy to hear of your progress!
Be glad you did it and never look back. It is such a pain in the ass trying to make prescriptions last all month.
I am facing a shortage for a few days again.
The anxiety of not having my pain medication for a few days is excruciating.
You don’t ever have to go through that again!
Keep going.

Glad to hear everyone is doing well.
Keep trying everyone.
Don’t give up.
❤️
 
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Hippy Flower Fairy

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Why do you think you need to go up in dosage?

Because I used to be on alot more, and stronger benzos, that wasn't as long lasting, or made me to foggy, or hyper, so I'm sticking to valium, I think I'd need to go up due to tolerence, I don't want too but once I've been on a certain amount it stops helping, then I need to take more took 35mg yesterday, but I only do that occasionally
 

AutoTripper

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I can't get off 20mg of vallies, it's to hard, I wake up scared and anxious and sometime need a little more, and the bigger part of that dose is for insomnia

The odd promethazine occasionally if I still can't sleep, I've cut out the CBD, was meant to taper off vallies on to that but it gave me nightmares this time, just like almost all antidepressants did, CBD ain't done that before

I know this is a low dose compared to what I used to be on, I actually have generalised anxiety disorder and social anxiety, my doctor should have me on valium considering 15 different types of antidepressants didn't work and caused side effects and serotonin syndrome, tried propranolol and busperone, horrible, horrible pills they was, and a doctor even put me on quietapine, which they gave me even though its an antiphycotic, I was only on that a few days before I couldn't handle the side effects that which felt like tardive dyskinesia, I kept doing weird things with my mouth and tounge and sounds and talking on the TV creeped me out, stopped after only a day or so

But no doctors priscribe valium these days or they give you a one off 6 x 2mg it's a piss take

What the fuck do I do, I know the 20mg won't be enough soon but I don't want to keep going up, been there before but I've nothing for my anxiety, and on off depression, they seem to help my fibromyalgia too because the anxiety etc makes fibromyalgia worse, so keeping it at bay helps my chronic pain condition, although I'm not completely anxiety free they help me enough right now, just about

On nothing I can't leave the house and if the depression comes back I can't cope, and yes I've tried meditation and talking therapy and about to do an online course thing to help my overthinking which a pain clinic as if I sort the anxiety out it might help the pain, waiting to hear back about that

Scraping off a small amount of the pills to taper is all well and good by my vendor runs out of the ones I'm used to so now I have different ones so they are probably dosed different, as that make was when I had them before, and they are half the size of the ones I've been on, imported pills are probably dosed different in each pill too so there's that
Hi. Sorry to hear you are just caught in no man's land for the timebeing.

Because you will need to emter new territory and explore new ground, in my vision of this.

I have a really imagery based mind and imagination. I'm instantly picturing this landscape, and I'm as much there atm visually, even seeing the morning mist rising on the battle field and from the trenches, concurrently, as my mind is present here, actually it's prob 60/40 trenches lol.

I have really moved into a far deeper visionary (like imagination) state, huge quants of LSD, not just guzzled, but worked with like a trail rope into and exploring a cave step at a time, can have this effect. Needs balancing though, don't want to be less present than elsewhere. 51/49 present is my aim and I can do good with that.

The OD put me over that margin, not too far but an unsettling length for moment still.

So. The mist rises. As my imagination sees it now, still, hauntingly. But I see nor feel danger there!

It's nice sunny (was lol just gone cloudy) Sept morning here, morning crows (11.44 am, but real time is winter time obviously so in 2 weeks is it, 10.44 am now).

I see an empty battlefield. No attackers. Nobody hiding. I see sunshine and light in each direction.

But a stuck in the mud in the middle feeling, my vision point is stationed like an anchor in this no man's land.

I want to say, first, recognise and I'm sure you do, that you are panicking.

But the pain alone, drives anxiety, into a viscious circle.

I recognise that this is not a mind over matter thing now at this point for you, nor a question of will power, commitment or mental strength.

I honestly commend you on all that. From what and how youhave reported I'd say you have done incredibly well.

The anxiety about an ongoing reliable, safe source, to see this through, however long and gradual it might be I also can strongly relate to.

It's counterproductive as it adds more anxiety and undertainty, pressure and panic to a situation where all of that needs extinguishing as much as pos.

Because if that wasn't such an immediate and continual concern, I'd say try not over pressure yourself, just meet your needs because being benzo free but in a turmultuous state of anxiety and discomfort will possibly be more of a set back and disruption than just staying on a low benzo dose, if it was available, until it's easier.

So you need some practical solutions. Money is the obstacle. As for many, so needlessly too, by design ofc IMO.

Because, again I just know that kava helps with all of this stuff. The anxiety, pain, all round.

I know it's unaffordable for you. But also I feel it would help.
Maybe I can post you a bit to just try, see if it does help. My mum would be willing to actually post it as I never get far from home.

It's just the straining of it, the prep. I'm thinking what spare strainer bag I have which is still good.

They get a bit less porous with use as I use sunflower lecithin. I'm very fatigued so literally apart from loading myself with psychoactives, it's life's basics only.

I have a strainer bag but I stopped using it because it needs some way of ooening it's mesh again.

It's clean for use just not quite porous enough. I'm struggling to think clearly still past road bumps and hurdles. If I just knew a simple way to really clean a 100 micron strainer bag to original permeability.

A 75 micron nut milk bag is acceptable too, if you have one or have seen in a local shop for under a fiver.

Some people use two stockings as well, but the micron needs to be 75 minimum to filter it adequately.

My head is spinning a bit this morning, so I get dizzy trying to think practically about the simplest real world things.

I just wish it was viable for you to afford whatever amount of kava would possibly at least take the edge off, bring anxiety and pain relief, comfort.

I use kava for these purposes. But I also use it as escapism with cannabis, benzos and Acid, so it's not like you have to get wasted or even high on it, to feel relief.
 

Hippy Flower Fairy

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I'd say try not over pressure yourself, just meet your needs because being benzo free but in a turmultuous state of anxiety and discomfort will possibly be more of a set back and disruption than just staying on a low benzo dose, if it was available, until it's easier

Exactly what I'm thinking, can't afford Kava as you know, I'll just wing it as always lol
 

AutoTripper

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@Painful One hi, thanks for your simply taking notice, and being utmost supportive all around.

Is anybody here more unconditionally loving, accepting, empathetic and truly compassionate? I don't see it personally.

I have gotten into a real state in such short time of late. It's stress, plain and simple.

Life is stressful for a reason I say. If you know what I mean there. Because life just doesn't need to be stressful, stress is the worst thing for us in all ways, it's well understood, and hence!

But then the philosphical me considers the illusory play of life is stressful, not because of evildoing, but because it's a mechanism, bearing and coping with stress, through which we grow evolutionarily.

It's so powerful though. My nervous system is in a hyper state of agitation currently since a too heated row last week.

Interestingly, Iver had Tinnitus for 8 years from a single viral ear infection, but have never fussed over it at all.

From that charged row I couldn't escape nor my nerves bare in the moment, so highly sensitised still, my ears are now ringing like crazy. Like a bomb went off.

10 times as noticeable as ever before. High pitched sound & vibration- right now.

It's direct stress impact. It's knocked out my general systems, especially digestive and nervous system.

Fortunately thank heav.. I see a brilliant lady I love as a person, very intelligent, open, spiritual, loving, have great rapport and understanding with, next Friday.

My specialist chiropractor who is very advanced using Total Body Modification.

She treated my 7 days after the unintended just underestimated Acid overdose. She identified widespread disruption and malfunction in all system, predominantly Nervous system, immune, all general, plus several layers of emotional stress to which a number of key physical disruptions were pinpoint tested back to.

She fixed it all!

Now, LSD overdose, can ruin a life. I've never been there. 25 years 2000 "trips" easily, up to 5 mg's in 48 hours.

Untarnished through time, from LSD directly, materially I mean.

I wasn't coping one bit, I don't know how I could have lived long like that. Body shut down. Nerves severely agitated physically, so anxiety and panic extreme.

She fixed me! 10 days later, I felt the paint was drying, my mind is totally blown still as I literally tripped for a week full on, still afterglowing now.

It was one of those trips, I've never had before, that lasts forever uncannily, for good & bad. Good ultimately it was really looking. That sudden intense row last week, I had tripped very deeply on 400 mics because I had PTSD still from the OD physical side effects, and "Acid burns", like burning a CD, Template, Cattle Branding, Tattoo even.

In a neutral sense. It lays an imprint. So I have always tripped again, to therapeutically erase by laying a brand new template.

In the moment, it was too much for my nerves and mind, which basically undid things again. All systems as they are called, "out" again, anxiety much higher especially with the level of Tinnitus now.

It's sunk back in fact now, vs half hour ago, I've had two shots of instant kava, has also abated the anxiety level I had after vaporizing weed beforehand.

I googled it though, I had already observed, diagnosed myself. First page I found this paragraph that puts this particular thing in a nutshell.

"When tinnitus is severe, your nervous system is essentially stuck in a constant state of over-activation and agitation. Not only does this increase baseline anxiety levels, it lowers your anxiety threshold to the point where it takes very little to push you into panic, and the world is a scary place right now."

So my chiropractor will identify and correct all again. Then every chance but I cant digest food until then, my energy systems are flat out, and anxiety is unmanageable so it's more of an urgency than usual, and she only works in my town once a month, else I would have seen her already, and more often.

I just need to make this appointment now. I'm exploiting all coping measures but very privately and independently, I've been very mentally isolated since the overdose though that was swinging back.

Positively, atm first time in 6 weeks, I am in a comfortable place of rest. My own room again at last. I moved myself back in yesterday, which began a nightmare, so today is the first time I can rest in peace, beginning a day.

This was how it stood before, in wait 24 hours ago:






And where I am right now. Close window view, trees, and infinitely more quiet than the chaotic ground floor street that was massively accelerating my anxiety and panic state.

So much better here, even just now with my mum, OCD as she is, insisting coming in to measure some stuff. Twice lol, did it wrong the first time.

Like, two Jack in the boxes for the price of one...okay make that 3. She just insisted on a 3rd time. This was too much for me. To take a little bit of cable too, as it would be "better".

Now, once, twice just now, I somehow handled.

The 3rd one came with added drama, fuse, extra head space invasion.

It's really unnerved me. That's how unstable my nerves are in this currwnt environment. My blood is suddenly boiling. I know that is terrible but I just can't help it.

I already didn't have any sufficient coping mechanisms for today. It was basically to stay mentally calm as much as possible.

That's why it enrages me to have that surface so disturbed when I've no energy amd resource to put it right again.

If I wasn't so tired and physically unwell, I would simply take every drug at hand. It's an ongoing situation for now.

I was calm. 20 minutes ago. Now it would be hours minimum if at all today of I'm lucky to wond down again. I will need to take some sort of measure here, justnot sure which card to play. Anger is boiling inside of me, fuelling the viscous circle panic state.

Just portraying it really, in the moment, how it all works.
 

AutoTripper

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i HATEEEEEEEEEEE spellcheck TWO is NOT Twelve.
Me too man. Does my nuts in. I disable it all, but keyboard is optimised, or I bet- de-optimisd, to not work without it.

Catches me out all time. Especially when messy but also have an optic nerve injury from 2016, it makes typing, focus 10 x concentration level so I do it like walking round house at night kind of.
 

papercuts

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I am just looking for others to move forward with empowerment together, to build a stairway of strength. Baby steps Giant results right !

I will go back and read everything. I am just frustrated and slow right now. I probably journeyed with inflaming arthritis without even noticing it right away. I was always weak and brittle younger also but I didn't really understand it until I started noticing the strength and bigger bones in others. Maybe call it fragile.

I would even go as far as wearing long sleeves and dressing like a boy and wearing high top boots to look and act tougher. But I still was a sissy. And even some of the olders used to tease around with me because I wore long sleeves so much all da time and ask me if I had track marks and would laugh like it was funny ? I swear I didn't even know what it MEANT. lool.

Like I would only even wear concert Jerseys and never ever a tee shirt. Just brittle little sissy girrrrr. Till I got my first 16 gauge single barrel. Too funny.

That's why I always tried to work out and be buff so that I could try to keep up with others and not fall behind so to speak. lool.

But I always did have aches and pains.
The bone and joint specialist did put a cast on it. But didn't help. Just swelled up more.

A medical doctor did tell my mom she would be in a wheelchair because of her orthopedics and she is still out gardening the back aecers, painting walls and doors and posting and repairing the fence. But she way bigger than me and fraking stronger. lol.

Like I couldn't even lift up an oxygen tank for scuba dive. And everyone else would sling them like a child's toy.

Whaat. I have seen little mini women pushing more weight than men !! But then of course they die brutally suffering from colon cancer or something like that. Well it's always something I guess until you find your way somehow.

Wow it felt great to complain. I wasn't really going to go there but I did it. Why can't I just find a way to change the world with what is left with my life. Why indeed !!
It's a natural reaction to having a physical weakness, that pretending to be physically stronger. I expect a lot of us can relate ❤️
When you have a combo of perfectionism in an imperfect body, we try to fix it and end up here, lol.
 

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Oh it's not complaing man. And even if it is, it's acceptable, just wants to be constructive essentially not emptily ventfull

Letting out. Expressing. Just being real, all sides.

It's therapy, for me anyway. I share my good, and my bad. None of our lives are easy and some are especially tough, understatement!

I have always been an ambassador for being completely open for my own sake basically because it really helps me to just dot my thoughts and feelings out.

A problem shared is a problem halved is a long-standing adage.

So I've always been encouraging of people I'm trying to lead by example in showing absolutely no shame and being entirely real about things.

I can tell you one thing I honestly believe you would not find a genuinely more open transparent and often overly divulge in participant in any of these online platforms not that I have seen anyway and I don't mean that boastfully just to make the point.

I'm a sensitive individual far more than people would consider because I'm so apparently brashly extrovert, And seemingly very self-confident.

But being sensitive is a strength it's like an extra lens.

I'm just just settling my mind at last tiday, with some kava.

Again, my own PROBLEMS are really very physical based. Digestive hell too often, it's impossible to nourish wirhout more pain than it's worth to survive, and is just catch 22 impracticale, symptomstic lifestyle, restrictions and an extrenely delicate system.

Being comfortable enough inside to simply rest, is always heaven.

The digestive, elimination smooth running is as directly impactful on mental frame, wellbeing, as anything on the whole.

Stress is top dog, because stress disables digestion. So in states of elevated, chronic stress, Eating food basically becomes a very toxic and in my experience painful and torturous experience.

Which could be completely different with a different situation and mindframe because digestion is both chemical which is the mind being relaxed enough and at peace for the secretion of digestive juices and enzymes and also mechanical peristalsis of the digestive tract and they also autonomous nervous system.

But when it comes to digestion the mind is everything and when it comes to the Mind digestion is everything too.
If you ever discover a way to digest food without agonising pain, please share. That is my biggest downfall even though I know how stupid using opiates to help digestion is! They help the pain and the pain was definitely worse before I went back to self medicating, for years, not delusion that part. If I have just eaten and I'm relaxed and comfortable, resting as the food settles, then something startles me or a person is angry near me then its straight back to agony.
 

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No I just it was a bad two days. Im crying. (thnx) Im frustrating right now.

I didnt even go for a walk today. A walk with the dogs. I didn't but WANTED , wanted to. My eyes filled with tears right now. REALLY.

Because you listened to my dumb stuff and I will never ever NOT be grateful. I wont. ♡
I was told as a kid that there are stress chemicals in tears and its best to get them out if you can because you'll feel better after. It might have been bullshit, but it was really good bullshit for a change!
If it's any consolation I spent all yesterday morning with tears falling down my face, but that is because I've decided to reduce my dosage of buprenorphine. I kept a seven day patch on for two week's, then put on a lower dose seven day. I've had a little wd but not much because I'm supplementing again...
We do our best, I have to keep trying to feel well. I feel totally well sometimes and that's better than no times.
 

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Bluelighter
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I was told as a kid that there are stress chemicals in tears and its best to get them out if you can because you'll feel better after. It might have been bullshit, but it was really good bullshit for a change!
If it's any consolation I spent all yesterday morning with tears falling down my face, but that is because I've decided to reduce my dosage of buprenorphine. I kept a seven day patch on for two week's, then put on a lower dose seven day. I've had a little wd but not much because I'm supplementing again...
We do our best, I have to keep trying to feel well. I feel totally well sometimes and that's better than no times.
I just realised I was actually taught as a child to think of adjusting my brain chemicals until I was happy, lol, still doing that!
 

AutoTripper

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If you ever discover a way to digest food without agonising pain, please share. That is my biggest downfall even though I know how stupid using opiates to help digestion is! They help the pain and the pain was definitely worse before I went back to self medicating, for years, not delusion that part. If I have just eaten and I'm relaxed and comfortable, resting as the food settles, then something startles me or a person is angry near me then its straight back to agony.
I will get back to you n that. Digestion is a sophisticated business. It makes the Haldron Collider as sophisticated and advanced as a lego brick.

I just deleted that post you quoted. Amnesia lol. And using drugs and any old escapism to escape pain, a restful conscious the only target, results in me cringing each new day- oh shit did I really post all of that what a twat I am, I must stop getting so wasted every day (I tell myself in embarrassment).

I'm literal allergic to, I always say 99% of "things", because get me a list of all things typically ingested- foods, condiments, drinks, medicines, drugs, herbs, toothpaste etc etc and it would be minimum 95% intolerable.

Correct that, resolve my immune system's nutty fixation (that is the word too) with this needless gone-wrong response, I would have no difficulty soothing and fortifying the digestive process.

My hands are so tightly tied there though.

The chemical side of digestion sounds to be very core woth your own digestive problems.

Emotions, anxiety, stress, anger, anything but round the clock peace and calm, and you cannot expect adequate, near optimal digestion.

You can have full potential for complete digestion, mechanically, in all ways. Inject a level of stress, irritation or disturbing emotion into your mind, consciousness and therefore brain, body and gut, and digestive goes out the window.

THIS is why I started using benzos nearly two years ago. I have had an anxiety related eating, rather digestive disorder for years. It's untypical and complex (lol, digestive disorders are like their owners), and stems ultimately from the fact no matter how I am mentally, putting food into my body is treading a minefield of temptation, resistive genuine bodily need and craving for fuel and pleasure, chooding the safest explosives to get through more time in life, at the expense of a great and always highly vaiable, fully unpredictable level or respiratory allergy pain and suffication, which I manage 24/7 in ways that would see me crowned Olympian Gold if (only lol) proactively evacuating excessive mucus from the lungs, sinuses and throat was an Olympic sport.

It's impossible for me to have any close to normal, comfortable, enjoyable and convenient relationship with food, physically.

So I managed this ctch 22 so creatively, ingeniously and resourcefully for many years, emolying the most imaginative and powerful coping mechanism, never giving up, climbing Everest every day just to...and then again.

It's all too complex for words now, but the extreme anxiety and panic condition comes solely and directly from the physical horror or eating, breathing and scrapping to repeat again.

Like, I SERIOUSLY need to WANT to live.

When I want to die, as it's my focus in life, seeing no comfortable shore to swim towards, and this isn't being morbid to me, just plain real.

If it was a painless, karmaless bus, I'd say regretful but simply for the best bye byes and board the bus next week, or 5 years ago tbh.

When ironically, I'm glad to have developed mentally and philosophically as I feel I have even 2 months ago, looking back always, I am glad I a, not that same stupid man lol.

2019, the anxiety was disabling my digestive capability so much, I was only 50 kg's, anything below 67 is underweight for me.

And dropping it was. If I had hit 49 kg's no way would I have sufficed.

I needed emergency intervention for anxiety management, simply in order to digest enough food to stop the "rot" and first hold, then regain weight.

I started the Etizolam, and kava lare 2019. I also began consuming LSD in huge quantities again then, and haven't stopped since but is another story lol.

It worked! By January 2020, I was piicking up so fast,in every way. Gaining weight, energy, body and immunity working very well, life was picking up.

I began also t develop as a person with the proactive use of LSD as a tool, a an exponential rate.

CoShit put the breaks on "my" plan, led to here, ever increasing benzo dependance last year to insane levels.

The insane amount of LSD this year both has helped, with mental and spiritual development, but not with anxiety espec very recently, in a very acute way.

"Short story long" lol, I did gain lots of weight. I was over 63 kg's this year. Prob 62 now after recent weeks. I naturally lose, and when in goid condition, gain weight very rapidly, both ways.

Things have turned downward sharply the past 6 months,ma very heavy slide too, so many factors, and really not my own fault, or other's (well, I do blame people or beings but that's ANOTHER story or 3 lol), nor my own weakness.

I astonish myself seeing the strehgth in me and what I continue to defy, somehow.

It's like a James Bond movie. An actual perfect analogy for the ceaseless life edging nerve wracking intensity of daily life and fighting through.

Just very invisible to most except my mum, is the only person in the world who fully, but not even possible, understands exactly what led to here and hiw it goes, from a tick bite containing biologically engineered bacteria, ultimately.

To the common person, respectfully, "allergies", "mucus", "fatigue" etc etc are indeed experienced at all levels, but in the exact ways I am presenting it personally, they are just like words in a dictionary.

Curently, with my nervs in such a state of shock and agitation, I cannot digest food at all. I'm as close as ever to feeling forced to stop eating now. I didn't eat yesterday, had horrendous level of stomach and intestinal pain from so much gas, from fully (chemically (the mind), AND mechanically (the organs, bodily systems), to ride out.

Still very upset intestines today, but much freer inside. I may need to forgo food another 24 hours, just to clear the system after the recent stress level and body function breakdown. I'll see. Anxiety is beyond high still you see, there is no place for food it's just weakness makes it mentally tough.

April 2012, very well then actually though ambition and commitment, despite being 7 years into undiagnosed then Lyme Disease, I fasted at will, at home, for 160 hours.

Over a week. It was ill advised, unsupervised, hard as hell, and exacerbated the auto immune aspect of my Lyme, NS further dysregulated.

But I survived, in time, recovered, though the impacts of that particular fast stretched for years, even now surely.

@papercuts exuse me, I've gone WAY off track here. I'm really trying to stay on it. Lol. Can't think straight though.

So, the mental, emotional chemical side of digestion. You really CAN firstly, as well as simply need to direct your focus there.

It's paramount. And even if, as in my own case, emotions aside, "Eat-Like-Alexa" lol, I love that! In me, the mechanical, organ & system function isn't there, but the emotions on top is actually equally, because they are even forces, a hindrance to succesful digestion.

I can share with you some idead for how I would use supplements, foods, etc if no allergies, like Colosan colon clleansing powder, as example- IN my cupboard downstairs (my mum can use it), but it caises intolerable respiratory mucus like 99% of "things" for me.

Otherwise, that is just one thing I could employ to vanquish pain, gas, constipation, rejuvenate and renew.

Magnesium oxides. Good stuff I swear.

I have learnt of many such things in time, but disregarded as it's all just a tease.

I will subconsciously assemble something on that and aim to share some suggestions with you.

Also mental, emotional work. Is what you really need. Neuro Emotional Technique or N.E.T.

Or... "Heartspeak", same thing. With a competent practionioner, face to face, or fia zoom, skype...it woulld seriously help you incover and remove the root origins of the emotional blocks in your mind, directly preventing digestion, perpetuating the cycle.

But physical function also needs to be restored.

I see my special chiropractor next week. My digestiive system is shut down mechanically atm. I could go for accupunctire this week. It would help. Nut it's an outing I've no energy for and too depressed to to about.

Plus it would cost me 50 Britis quid lol.

But acupuncture is excellent. Go once, or twice a week, have accupressure massage as well, it's lifesaving, life changes and boosting.

That's one way you could seek relief I swear.

Or, how my chiropractor next week will use Total Body Modification to reset all my organs, systems, literally identify very specific relations between emotions and the body, it's miraculous and I was on death's doorsetp this spring, nut these treatments got me firmly into the green zone when at that time, otherwise, in May possibly, I would not have lived more than 2 weeks due to my bodily systems not functioning at all.

The T.B.M fixed that.

Keep this in mind. If I went 365 days no treatment, it's like a groken down car, on the highway, never getting a jump start.

You get me? These particular alternative treatments are and have long been that vital jump start for me.

I will come back to you on some other supplement and remedy suggestions.
 

AutoTripper

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 28, 2019
Messages
8,750
I wouldn't even be able to get food down that well if it wasn't for the medical weed.
I'm allergic to weed too lol. I love weed. It does drive up my anxiety now but that's kind of acute, irt the amount of Acid still integration and therefore consciously active, to a conscious mind thst is (read- not just 'awake" in some way lol, or rather- Zombie).

But I'm vaping some really strong, 5 week cured now sungrown Sativa now.

I am so allergic to all fertilisers in weed, I can't use anything we don't grow ourselves.

No weed I could find I know of otherwise.

That's the extremity of it.
And I'm still respiratorily allergic to the weed itself, but it's manageable, like a strict diet, add the fertiliser allergies and it's just a world of pain basically.

Kava causes mucus too, anything does, but I use lots of kava, as otherwise my allergies wouldn't endure the extra amount of cannabis I would want.

The vapor allergy, is in close line allways with the exact level of multiple respite infections present too.

I treat my respiratory infections daily with the all powerful Electromedicine as it fives me a 95% better quality life, breathing wise.
 

papercuts

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 10, 2021
Messages
973
So. I had to take extra because of the pulled shoulder. Strained my muscle right, or something bad happened and could barely move. Then it went away. It was great. Then I picked up a rock (garden) and it wasn't healed yet apparently and hurt again but not as severe pain this time. I mean I know it was dumb but really. What should I go live in a strait jacket now.

So when I had the really really really painful pain. Oh nevermind but I most likely took too much and am having slight withdrawals but I am alright with slight. You know slight stomach upset too and crap.

So was depressed. Couldnt go outside. Let the dogs down. They really wanted to walk and trip and smell the smells and stink in the air. Couldnt get ANYTHING accomplished. I did make a real quick dark chocolate cake so that I won't have to cook for three days. That was ALL that I did ALL DAY that's it. Oh yes . . . and then I got high (weed/and dabs). That's it.

So the shoulder pain is almost gone Again. So my left hand hurts so bad I can't think straight. So when I was really young and went to school a psychopath stabbed me with a lead pencil like bloody wounded. Purposely to kill or maim.
So lead in my hand. Everyone's like you will be fine. It's fine. Will be alright.

So now my hand hurts so bad my littleEST finger hurts so Bad. So I think maybe the led unlodged and is going to travel to the heart and i'm dead. This is how crazy it is when it doesn't even make sense. I don't know some say it's not even led but just the coloring. what!

Maybe its diabetes onset. That is supposed to be painful. I have low bp always and less than 100 blood sugar before food.

Soooo THEN I see Phil Collins. YEP there it is. There's going to be me. I know how he FEELS now. 😭😭😭😭😭

I want to dieeeeeeeeeee. I have to find a hobby. But I can't do anything. Except WANT to diiiiieeeeeeeeeeee. NOW.

Sorry. Honest. ♡ I just hurt really bad all week.
Hobbies are great, definitely find one if you can. I read some parts of your message out to my husband because it's so uncanny how I could have written bits of that about myself, it sounds so similar.
For a hobby how about art if you're right handed? My shoulders are weak as well, my physiotherapist says to keep my elbows tucked into my ribs when I lift things, anything, then the neck muscles aren't activated by mistake, this happens when the shoulder muscles are weak and the joints are loose. I don't know if this is your situation, but it's good advice for me. I don't iron anything and I don't lift one sided, both those cause days or weeks of pain.
Your dogs will still love you no matter what, I hope you're feeling better now.
I've had nothing at all today except some gabapentin, coffee and a bowl of porridge (my digestion can just about manage plain oats) and I actually feel OK except I want something for nausea now.
My god, if I could get away with only cooking once in three days, that would be bliss in itself!
I'd choose poppy seed cake though, lol. Last time I had three days alone, I ate two packs of shortbread which I'd worked out had the right calories for three days and didn't give eating or cooking another thought, bliss.
I tried the liquid diet meal replacement drinks but that caused hours of digestive agony after just one.
 

Squeaky

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 1, 2016
Messages
1,734
Location
USA
So.........
I didn’t fall off the wagon. It was more of a swan dive followed by a belly flop into an empty swimming pool.
I told my Dr that I want to taper off the pills. (I don’t want to just stop answering the phone because I’ll probably need more surgeries in the future and I want to leave on good terms).

Long story short, the Dr switched me to Percocet. I can’t use the amount I was using before because of the Acetaminophen would destroy my liver. But after 4 months of abstinence I should expect to need a much smaller amount than before, right? Nope!

I’m still using Kratom several times per day. That stuff has kept my tolerance really high. Last night I took 90mg oxy (9perc 10’s) and basically got nothing from it. It just relieved my aches from the Kratom withdrawals.

Want a cure for opioid dependence? Kratom helps withdrawals and made me immune to opiates. Early this morning I took some more percs (6). It’s peaceful here and I want to see exactly what the effects will be without any distractions. But basically I now have little use for my tiny blue death pills.

Truthfully I’m sad. I’m going to need at least one more major back surgery in the future. The small bit of happiness we all experience with the pain killers is gone, presumably for ever. That little voice in the back of my mind for the last 4 months, the one that told me to be strong and not cheat; he just picked up his toys and went home. I guess this is the part where I begin the rest of my life, without being a ‘patient’ anymore.
 
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