Positive The Tapering Supportive/Social Thread

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Oh fuck. I must calm down. I actually offered to chuck his clothes out and fuck off.
Fortunately we've been married forever so he yelled back a bit, kicked the hoover and now it's all better and we love each other.
As I closed the curtains tonight I said, "shows over" to noone in particular. At least the neighbours didn't call the cops this time
See, this is why more dope should be the sodding goal not less. I spent the rest of the day crying, binned off work. Bad all round

 

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I am tired to my bones and I'm not sure why I post on this thread. We all know in a week or so I'll think this was a stupid idea and be back where I was.
Today I've had my prescribed meds, two bowls of weed, four coffees and a small green smoothie. Tomorrow I'll attempt food as well. Or maybe I should just stay in bed tomorrow. Or not wake up. Yeah, I'll just sleep for a month and wake up refreshed (if I got fed). I'll take this week or ten days clean(ish) while I find out why my pee looks so bad.

 

[Nurse Ratched]

I am tired to my bones and I'm not sure why I post on this thread. We all know in a week or so I'll think this was a stupid idea and be back where I was.
Today I've had my prescribed meds, two bowls of weed, four coffees and a small green smoothie. Tomorrow I'll attempt food as well. Or maybe I should just stay in bed tomorrow. Or not wake up. Yeah, I'll just sleep for a month and wake up refreshed (if I got fed). I'll take this week or ten days clean(ish) while I find out why my pee looks so bad.

We are glad you post here. Even if the posts are mostly negative, other people might find some positive in them. You may, or may not go back to the opium but it is not a stupid idea to try and quit. You want to stop as I can hear it in your posts. But training our minds to NOT want it is the real issue. That takes a strength and a will power that very few of us have. I didn't have it and most posters in this thread don't have it either. You are not alone.

 

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We are glad you post here. Even if the posts are mostly negative, other people might find some positive in them. You may, or may not go back to the opium but it is not a stupid idea to try and quit. You want to stop as I can hear it in your posts. But training our minds to NOT want it is the real issue. That takes a strength and a will power that very few of us have. I didn't have it and most posters in this thread don't have it either. You are not alone.

I want to walk away from it often, but I also want it to remain in my life. I did the entire giving up thing years ago and stayed off everything, even booze & cigs, for such a very long time. I know that time wasn't wasted because I raised my kids as well as I possibly could during those years. But I always missed it.
Now I feel as if time spent straight is simply wasted time, who doesn't prefer a nice cosy opiate to depression and physical pain? I'm much better company, I feel much more useful and capable even though nothing ever gets done then.
Then the problem is that I start to forget other people exist.
Evetually I avoid everyone, even the people I love the most. Why do I ignore them? I no longer care. I don't want them to ever see that. I don't like the person it turns me into, I just want to remain as me and enjoy my DOC at the same time.
So I have reason to use and reason to stop, no way am I up to deciding anything that big.
Btw, sorry if my posts are negative, I hadn't realised. I don't really think about opinions in such a polarized way.

 

[Squeaky]

I want to walk away from it often, but I also want it to remain in my life. I did the entire giving up thing years ago and stayed off everything, even booze & cigs, for such a very long time. I know that time wasn't wasted because I raised my kids as well as I possibly could during those years. But I always missed it.
Now I feel as if time spent straight is simply wasted time, who doesn't prefer a nice cosy opiate to depression and physical pain? I'm much better company, I feel much more useful and capable even though nothing ever gets done then.
Then the problem is that I start to forget other people exist.
Evetually I avoid everyone, even the people I love the most. Why do I ignore them? I no longer care. I don't want them to ever see that. I don't like the person it turns me into, I just want to remain as me and enjoy my DOC at the same time.
So I have reason to use and reason to stop, no way am I up to deciding anything that big.
Btw, sorry if my posts are negative, I hadn't realised. I don't really think about opinions in such a polarized way.

Pumpkin said it best. Talk-therapy can be as beneficial as drug-therapy. If posting here helps, in any way, then keep it up. There’s anonymity here that allows us to be honest and saying it out loud can be the best self-help move anyone can make.

And again, Pumpkin said it best: Your words might help someone else to see how deep the hole is in their own situation. Or even better.... maybe this thread will shine a light on what the future holds for someone like you or me and help them to avoid these troubles entirely.

Either way..... keep it up if it helps you. I know it’s helping me.

 

[Squeaky]

I want to walk away from it often, but I also want it to remain in my life. I did the entire giving up thing years ago and stayed off everything, even booze & cigs, for such a very long time. I know that time wasn't wasted because I raised my kids as well as I possibly could during those years. But I always missed it.
Now I feel as if time spent straight is simply wasted time, who doesn't prefer a nice cosy opiate to depression and physical pain? I'm much better company, I feel much more useful and capable even though nothing ever gets done then.
Then the problem is that I start to forget other people exist.
Evetually I avoid everyone, even the people I love the most. Why do I ignore them? I no longer care. I don't want them to ever see that. I don't like the person it turns me into, I just want to remain as me and enjoy my DOC at the same time.
So I have reason to use and reason to stop, no way am I up to deciding anything that big.
Btw, sorry if my posts are negative, I hadn't realised. I don't really think about opinions in such a polarized way.

As for reasons to quit or not quit.... I think for me the question really becomes whether my life is better with the drugs or worse. Both choices have very serious negatives, and the decision is something that only I can make and only for myself. It’s really personal. Basically if the drugs alienate me from my family, then I’m basically choosing between my drugs and my family.

When I break it down to some very basic questions like that, then the answer is much more clear. My problem seems to center around the reality that I can often have both my family and my drugs. Sometimes the drugs make me a bad husband and father, but sometimes my pain leaves me unable to be a good husband or father.

So I’ll wait through today and tackle that question tomorrow. Along with going back to school, starting a gym membership, and taking care of my teeth. Tomorrow is the busiest day of the year!

 

[Nurse Ratched]

I want to walk away from it often, but I also want it to remain in my life. I did the entire giving up thing years ago and stayed off everything, even booze & cigs, for such a very long time. I know that time wasn't wasted because I raised my kids as well as I possibly could during those years. But I always missed it.
Now I feel as if time spent straight is simply wasted time, who doesn't prefer a nice cosy opiate to depression and physical pain? I'm much better company, I feel much more useful and capable even though nothing ever gets done then.
Then the problem is that I start to forget other people exist.
Evetually I avoid everyone, even the people I love the most. Why do I ignore them? I no longer care. I don't want them to ever see that. I don't like the person it turns me into, I just want to remain as me and enjoy my DOC at the same time.
So I have reason to use and reason to stop, no way am I up to deciding anything that big.
Btw, sorry if my posts are negative, I hadn't realised. I don't really think about opinions in such a polarized way.

I worded that wrong. When I said negative ( to negate something ) I use it in terms of the posters words are more of a " Not good " at the moment. As in a positive would be...I feel good and I am still struggling.

Please post every day. Good or bad. And YOU aren't negative....only your situation is. You and Squeaky are rockin' out this thread and I love to see everyones posts. Hang tough. You are doing as good as you possibly can at the moment and that's all that is mportant.

 

[Squeaky]

I worded that wrong. When I said negative ( to negate something ) I use it in terms of the posters words are more of a " Not good " at the moment. As in a positive would be...I feel good and I am still struggling.

Please post every day. Good or bad. And YOU aren't negative....only your situation is. You and Squeaky are rockin' out this thread and I love to see everyones posts. Hang tough. You are doing as good as you possibly can at the moment and that's all that is mportant.

Well said.

 

[papercuts]

I worded that wrong. When I said negative ( to negate something ) I use it in terms of the posters words are more of a " Not good " at the moment. As in a positive would be...I feel good and I am still struggling.

Please post every day. Good or bad. And YOU aren't negative....only your situation is. You and Squeaky are rockin' out this thread and I love to see everyones posts. Hang tough. You are doing as good as you possibly can at the moment and that's all that is mportant.

Sorry, I'm a bit touchy this week. I'm still sticking to the pharmacy crap and feeling drained and miserable.
Even though this seems to be bad for me physically, I need to detox sometimes, otherwise I get too lost in my head.

 

[Nurse Ratched]

Sorry, I'm a bit touchy this week. I'm still sticking to the pharmacy crap and feeling drained and miserable.
Even though this seems to be bad for me physically, I need to detox sometimes, otherwise I get too lost in my head.

No apologies necessary in The dark Side. Hope today brings you at least some happiness and relief from your symptoms.

 

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No apologies necessary in The dark Side. Hope today brings you at least some happiness and relief from your symptoms.

Fortunately the pharmacy crap includes gabapentin and I'm actually quite upbeat now.
Day six and about half an hour ago I felt it leave.
This is probably my imagination, but seeing as drugs affect exactly that process, it's the best description.
Last time was a faster detox and I felt it leave while lying on the kitchen floor miserably, on the third morning.
It used to leave sooner than that.
"It" is the other entity, the opiate fuelled controller of my life that is separate from me, but resides inside me when I'm using.
Once it's gone I have a much easier time.

 

[Nurse Ratched]

Fortunately the pharmacy crap includes gabapentin and I'm actually quite upbeat now.
Day six and about half an hour ago I felt it leave.
This is probably my imagination, but seeing as drugs affect exactly that process, it's the best description.
Last time was a faster detox and I felt it leave while lying on the kitchen floor miserably, on the third morning.
It used to leave sooner than that.
"It" is the other entity, the opiate fuelled controller of my life that is separate from me, but resides inside me when I'm using.
Once it's gone I have a much easier time.

 

[Squeaky]

"It" is the other entity, the opiate fuelled controller of my life that is separate from me, but resides inside me when I'm using.
Once it's gone I have a much easier time.

I know that guy! We always fight in the middle of the month, but we always become friends again around the 1st.

 

[Squeaky]

I inhaled some dabz todayfour times and inhaled extra long.
I felt like one notch over inhaling a dmt trip.

I don't know about that stuff or even what it is anymore. I felt like I was going to vomit and everything was horrible.

I will never give up on bud especially as medicine. But that wax stuff is terrible and extremely strong. I'm not even sure what it is anymore. What it is processed with if at all, and ect. ect.

Omg. I thought I might have to find a route to the hospital.

I OD’d on pot brownies once. I really did think was going to die. And it lasted for around 16 hours.

 

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I inhaled some dabz todayfour times and inhaled extra long.
I felt like one notch over inhaling a dmt trip.

I don't know about that stuff or even what it is anymore. I felt like I was going to vomit and everything was horrible.

I will never give up on bud especially as medicine. But that wax stuff is terrible and extremely strong. I'm not even sure what it is anymore. What it is processed with if at all, and ect. ect.

Omg. I thought I might have to find a route to the hospital.

Hope you're feeling better, I would've got a bit like that back in the days of hash and bongs. Vaping bud is much more civilised, lol.

 

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I know that guy! We always fight in the middle of the month, but we always become friends again around the 1st.

I forgot what comes after that guy goes.
So my mind stops constantly nagging me to go get some. Then it tells me, "OK, you won, well done, but I feel I ought to tell you that the pain isn't actually withdrawal, it's a deadly something or other that will kill you quite horribly and soon."
So round two goes to the addict in me. I had to find out whether or not I was actually dying...

 

[Squeaky]

I forgot what comes after that guy goes.
So my mind stops constantly nagging me to go get some. Then it tells me, "OK, you won, well done, but I feel I ought to tell you that the pain isn't actually withdrawal, it's a deadly something or other that will kill you quite horribly and soon."
So round two goes to the addict in me. I had to find out whether or not I was actually dying...

I never understood how I can be so smart and also so stupid.... The adult in me says ‘no’ The junkie says ‘yes’. And there’s some kind of hippie traffic cop who keeps telling the adult to be quiet and listen to what the junkie has to say.

 

[n3ophy7e]

I never understood how I can be so smart and also so stupid.... The adult in me says ‘no’ The junkie says ‘yes’. And there’s some kind of hippie traffic cop who keeps telling the adult to be quiet and listen to what the junkie has to say.

I resonate with this SO MUCH.

 

[Nurse Ratched]

How are you feeling today @papercuts ?

 

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How are you feeling today @papercuts ?

Thank you for asking I'm going to focus on work today, as soon as my body decides which end to empty from this morning. I'm also going to please myself with my DOC because I can and this is long enough.
Of course that doesn't solve my other problem of how to find out what is wrong with my pee. It looks terrible but I don't want to give the doctor a sample when it's full of illegal crap. I ordered some test strips online, best I can do right now.
So nothing solved, but I feel pleased I lasted a week and if I'd had a better reason to, I could have gone longer because the bupe was filling most of the gaps by day six.

Was it seriously only a week? I might double up on the bupe next time, for the first week anyway. The drop was too big even after limiting myself during the preceding week. It wasn't really tapering but it wasn't cold turkey either. With Bupe as a softish landing, I guess it was cold chicken

I am still as vague about last week as any other week because I'm still vaping a gram of bud a day no matter what opiates I'm taking or not taking, so I remember very little of any day, but noone notices. I've often been told I look high when I'm not (during my years of sobriety) it's a good cover, lol.

Even on Bluelight I'll frequently read a post, laugh, try to hit Like, but it's already selected, in fact it's a laughing face AND I replied as well. I just have zero recollection of any of it.