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Positive The Tapering Supportive/Social Thread

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Squeaky said:
Damn dude. That’s awesome.
Ever since I came clean to my wife about my pills, I have somehow come up with a new attitude. Believe it or not, I’m in a lot less pain and it started the minute I finally decided I was done.
Every time I ran out of pills I would have terrible aches and pains, most of which were seemingly connected to my back surgeries. Sprinkle in a little depression, insomnia, and general aches. I went through that for so long that I must have completely forgot how it felt to be hopeful about anything except getting a refill. Somehow I hit bottom when I had to admit to stealing pills and all of that changed. Suddenly the endless pain I was in sort if faded into the background and it all became more like soreness from a hard workout. I’m not saying I have no more problems, withdrawals or otherwise, but I feel like the hopelessness seems to have been causing me more physical pains than anything else.
All I’m saying is that if I can make it then there is hope for a better life, but I needed to change my mindset. Everyone and every situation is different so I don’t claim to have found the Holy Grail, but there is some magic in a positive outlook. I used to think that if it didn’t kill me then it couldn’t be hurting me very much. Now I feel like it WAS killing me slowly, very slowly but definitely taking me to an early grave.
I haven’t figured out what I was doing wrong throughout that whole time. Years of pills pills and more pills. Blaming my problems on bad luck. Telling myself it’s hopeless. Convinced that life would ve DIFFERENT without the pills but not necessarily better. Grateful that my Dr wasn’t hitting me up for a drug test or pill counts. And saying it’s not my fault but feeling like there was nothing more I could do. All the while wanting a life free from the pills.
I don’t walk outside and appreciate the warmth of the sun, or any stupid romantic new view of life. I do however genuinely believe that those pills were given to me with the singular goal of making me a regular customer. Any pain relief I may have had was coincidental. The Dr who wrote me the first prescription that got me addicted (not my first prescription of opiates, just the first one for oxy 30’s) did it purposely to get me on the hook. After that the pills did all of the work and I was blinded to the fallout. I have done some stuff I’m really not proud of and spent tons of money in trips to the pharmacy and lost wages. All I can see now is all of the negative effects, none of what I thought were positive effects. Somehow at the moment my thinking changed I got a blast of energy and the hopelessness disappeared within a few hours.
Now I feel like I spent the whole weekend moving furniture and I just have to wait until the sore muscles get better, instead of desperation that leads to longing for my pills.

Dunno if that helps you..... but it might have helped me a few months ago. If you go back to the beginning if this thread. Pokemana’s last couple of posts. She talked about being free from her oxymorphine and how open her future felt not needing to see the Dr every month. That really stuck with me. I have wanted to be in that place for a few years now, and I feel like I might be close.
Click to expand...
Awesome,
That is cool stuff...thank you so much...

Whether it's pertinent now or not I had heavy IV addiction in adolescence.
64 yo now
So i always know i got the genetics to have my life ruined by meds..

Excellent....
You know the whole thing about a mental awakening or a spiritual awakening or whatever you want to call it a rethinking of reality can rocket you into a different dimension of looking at things...

That interpretation you describe of soreness from say moving furniture is really complete different radical mindset which is really cool...and effective

I've been paying $50 a month for the YMCA for the last few years and I haven't been there and over 2 years..

At one time I was so disciplined waking up at 4:30 a.m. hitting the gyms getting ready for the day cranked for work...

Short term:
physical deal is I need a knee replacement , and I live in a three-story house..yeah ,the stairs are a pleasure..lol

Gluttony, I gained 40 ibs over the last 10 years and a pretty much destroyed my knees.

Really awaiting now post PAWS days to get here..RLS insomnia a bitch...
Have slept 2 of last 10 days.

Incoming Positives...
Craving/obsession is gone...
Have lost 8lbs in last 10 days..
I have a lovely wife and family, so blessed..
I am a God believer, and the Power.
Believe in Paying It Forward...
BL thread helping immensly...

#One second,one minute,one hour,one day

More to come...Be safe
 
Also really worth mentioning that when coming off opiates and pain will appear much worse than it it due to A) pasyhologically after being accustomed to having it dulled and B) physically because longterm opiates can increase pain sensitivity as your body has attempted to break through the dulled pain reception by increasing the potency of the pain signals

So it's handy to bear in mind that the pain experienced initially is exaggerated and likely to appear less intimidating in a month or so, with any luck
 
The term hyperalgesia, which by definition is super sensitivity to typical pain response,

Some debate this and trivialize, but ive had this for years..,.
>>Dental work
>>Stubbing toe
Just basic everyday stuff, Hurts like hell!

i noticed this kicked in after 2 years on meds...

Wonder how long this takes to reset?
Obvious neuro transmission receptor up-regulation is needed to reestablish norms...
 
Dundermifflin8699 said:
The term hyperalgesia, which by definition is super sensitivity to typical pain response,

Some debate this and trivialize, but ive had this for years..,.
>>Dental work
>>Stubbing toe
Just basic everyday stuff, Hurts like hell!

i noticed this kicked in after 2 years on meds...

Wonder how long this takes to reset?
Obvious neuro transmission receptor up-regulation is needed to reestablish norms...
Click to expand...
Meditation is a (the?) way forward regarding cultivating a different relationship to our pain

Alongside cannabis concentrates for a rough evening It's 100% allowed me keep my own opioate use to a very low level, I have no doubt whatsoever about that
 
Time is on our side now. The first few days of withdrawals make time your enemy. After around day 4, time becomes a positive thing where each passing minute means the next one will be better. Look forward, never backwards.
Never count the money or time that was wasted. It wasn’t wasted. You got an awesome education and it was cheaper than college.
When you get through this you can take your knowledge and use it to help someone else avoid these pitfalls. I definitely would not have listened, I didn’t listen, to the advice from people who said “be careful”. I think I would have listened to someone who said “I know what I’m talking about because I lived it”.
I’m not quite 50 years old now, and this f’ing hurts. It’s a huge strain on my body physically and on my mind. You’re a few years my senior and I’m guessing it’s a little more difficult at your age. Imagine how hard this will be if we let it continue any longer, or if there’s a relapse in the future. I don’t want to die and I believe that this could have been the beginning of the end. This has been a gigantic learning experience and I hope all of the crap I have posted here on BlueLight helps some poor asshole like me avoid these problems, or at least give them the strength to tackle their demons and get past them.
 
ageingpartyfiend said:
Meditation is a (the?) way forward regarding cultivating a different relationship to our pain

Alongside cannabis concentrates for a rough evening It's 100% allowed me keep my own opioate use to a very low level, I have no doubt whatsoever about that
Click to expand...
I can’t maintain opiates at a safe or low level any more. It’s too bad too because I have legit pain, but the painkillers are only killing me. Even meditation just makes me think about how much better meditation would be if nothing hurt.
 
Squeaky said:
Time is on our side now. The first few days of withdrawals make time your enemy. After around day 4, time becomes a positive thing where each passing minute means the next one will be better. Look forward, never backwards.
Never count the money or time that was wasted. It wasn’t wasted. You got an awesome education and it was cheaper than college.
When you get through this you can take your knowledge and use it to help someone else avoid these pitfalls. I definitely would not have listened, I didn’t listen, to the advice from people who said “be careful”. I think I would have listened to someone who said “I know what I’m talking about because I lived it”.
I’m not quite 50 years old now, and this f’ing hurts. It’s a huge strain on my body physically and on my mind. You’re a few years my senior and I’m guessing it’s a little more difficult at your age. Imagine how hard this will be if we let it continue any longer, or if there’s a relapse in the future. I don’t want to die and I believe that this could have been the beginning of the end. This has been a gigantic learning experience and I hope all of the crap I have posted here on BlueLight helps some poor asshole like me avoid these problems, or at least give them the strength to tackle their demons and get past them.
Click to expand...
Yes .
When i went into my 60s with the meds , my health changed pretty fast as i look back.
My Hep C probably didn't help, but i noticed my body with extra pounds, more easily depressed, and enjoyment of life went south...

And of course seeing guys my age hiking, doing all kinds of activities and comparing myself is a dark place..

Thanks you all for your thoughts, really helpful..

Part of my life when i was healthy i attended altruistic attendance in prison environment....it was so uplifting....
Pay it Forward ..
 
Squeaky said:
Time is on our side now. The first few days of withdrawals make time your enemy. After around day 4, time becomes a positive thing where each passing minute means the next one will be better. Look forward, never backwards.
Never count the money or time that was wasted. It wasn’t wasted. You got an awesome education and it was cheaper than college.
When you get through this you can take your knowledge and use it to help someone else avoid these pitfalls. I definitely would not have listened, I didn’t listen, to the advice from people who said “be careful”. I think I would have listened to someone who said “I know what I’m talking about because I lived it”.
I’m not quite 50 years old now, and this f’ing hurts. It’s a huge strain on my body physically and on my mind. You’re a few years my senior and I’m guessing it’s a little more difficult at your age. Imagine how hard this will be if we let it continue any longer, or if there’s a relapse in the future. I don’t want to die and I believe that this could have been the beginning of the end. This has been a gigantic learning experience and I hope all of the crap I have posted here on BlueLight helps some poor asshole like me avoid these problems, or at least give them the strength to tackle their demons and get past them.
Click to expand...
Good Rolling Stones song...
"Time is on my side"
 
Anybody else deal with Kratom withdrawal even when you have your oxy ?? Use Kratom when I don’t have my oxy but once i get my oxy I still feel restless and have to dose a little Kratom , it’s crazy ! Also like squeaky has said Kratom ups your tolerance big time . I used to get by on little 10 mg pieces of my oxy er now I have to pretty much take the whole 40 mg to feel anything . It’s a vicious cycle .
Glad to hear you are in a positive mindset and told your wife everything squeaky ! I can’t believe you made it all those years thru withdraw and over using your pills without her knowing , my husband can tell immediately when I’m out of pills.
Good luck to everyone , I know it’s a daily fight once you get on these opiates !
 
Dundermifflin8699 said:
The term hyperalgesia, which by definition is super sensitivity to typical pain response,

Some debate this and trivialize, but ive had this for years..,.
>>Dental work
>>Stubbing toe
Just basic everyday stuff, Hurts like hell!

i noticed this kicked in after 2 years on meds...

Wonder how long this takes to reset?
Obvious neuro transmission receptor up-regulation is needed to reestablish norms...
Click to expand...
I went through this a few years ago, after having been on relatively low dose Norco and Percocet for a year. It took about 7 days before the physical pains returned to normal and a month before the psychological scramble felt normal. Later on, after a couple of years on high dose oxycodone, I started running out and withdrawing every month. When that began I can tell you that all of my pains and psychological problems seemed to be 5 times worse and recovered at a snail’s pace.
Funny, I never noticed. But something as simple as stubbing my toe hurts a LOT worse during withdrawal. I have been slowly getting away from my dependence on the pills for about 2 years now and I’m finally free from the negative psychological effects. If I had to guess I think cold turkey off the pills would mean 6 months to a year before I could go back to enjoying every day pleasures.
In many ways I made my life pretty miserable, off and on the pills for the last couple of years. BUT.... I hadn’t realized that I was slowly weaning myself off the long term PAWS by working down to only having pills for a week each month. Ultimately it was a blessing in disguise because now that I am finally quitting for good, I don’t have the desperate fear that the suffering will never end. I worry a lot, about everything. If I had not gotten to this place so quickly this time, I’m going to guess there would be a relapse in a couple of weeks.
 
Dundermifflin8699 said:
Awesome,
That is cool stuff...thank you so much...

Whether it's pertinent now or not I had heavy IV addiction in adolescence.
64 yo now
So i always know i got the genetics to have my life ruined by meds..

Excellent....
You know the whole thing about a mental awakening or a spiritual awakening or whatever you want to call it a rethinking of reality can rocket you into a different dimension of looking at things...

That interpretation you describe of soreness from say moving furniture is really complete different radical mindset which is really cool...and effective

I've been paying $50 a month for the YMCA for the last few years and I haven't been there and over 2 years..

At one time I was so disciplined waking up at 4:30 a.m. hitting the gyms getting ready for the day cranked for work...

Short term:
physical deal is I need a knee replacement , and I live in a three-story house..yeah ,the stairs are a pleasure..lol

Gluttony, I gained 40 ibs over the last 10 years and a pretty much destroyed my knees.

Really awaiting now post PAWS days to get here..RLS insomnia a bitch...
Have slept 2 of last 10 days.

Incoming Positives...
Craving/obsession is gone...
Have lost 8lbs in last 10 days..
I have a lovely wife and family, so blessed..
I am a God believer, and the Power.
Believe in Paying It Forward...
BL thread helping immensly...

#One second,one minute,one hour,one day

More to come...Be safe
Click to expand...
Thank you for this!
I am in this same boat with Pain meds, and a Dr that will refill every month. I have chronic pain due to radiation from Head & Neck cancer treatments.
But I also have been through a shitty year ( Who has Not?) and the warm isolation of vicodone is so Addictive!!
I am on day three of a tapper to get down and jump, but I never stay off!! Longest I have went is 11 days!!
60 years old, and do not want this life any more:
Hopeless
tired
afraid
Sick and tired of being sick and tired
Hate not sleeping the Most
ICE
 
Iceman1216 said:
Thank you for this!
I am in this same boat with Pain meds, and a Dr that will refill every month. I have chronic pain due to radiation from Head & Neck cancer treatments.
But I also have been through a shitty year ( Who has Not?) and the warm isolation of vicodone is so Addictive!!
I am on day three of a tapper to get down and jump, but I never stay off!! Longest I have went is 11 days!!
60 years old, and do not want this life any more:
Hopeless
tired
afraid
Sick and tired of being sick and tired
Hate not sleeping the Most
ICE
Click to expand...
Oh man....
Lets do it, day at a time..
Im off the Norco, but tramadol thought stuck in my brain a bit..

I keep thinking of all the damn sleepless nights I just went through almost two weeks of no sleep..

I want to get to the other side so much and not have this chain around me...

The minute/hour/day......stay in moment
Best to you
 
Yeah. Kratom wd’s are real. Not severe, but undeniable. Worst when I stop moving(like when I’m trying to sleep). It’s not much worse than caffeine withdrawals.
It’s simple enough to taper off it though. Nothing like opiate wd. Particularly because you can’t just take more to feel extra good and you can decide on dosage without a prescription. It just takes time and you have to decide to deal with the Kratom without going back and forth. Kratom really should be a means to an end, not a band-aid to get to the next prescription.
 
I used to tell myself that I needed the pills. I have pain. I have pills. The pills stop the pain right? NOPE. The pills caused the majority of my daily pains. I couldn’t sleep because of the pains , so I needed the pills to sleep right? NOPE. The pills were the reason I couldn’t sleep. I was exhausted and impatient until I got a refill, so thank God for the next refill.... NOPE. The pills were causing me to be so exhausted that I had zero patience for the everyday challenges of life.

All of the conversation about how the pills are negatively affecting my life was pointless while I was stuck in withdrawals and praying that I might find one more pill (I dug through my drawer a dozen times hoping for a miracle). I’m a stubborn son of a bitch AND a know-it-all. When one doctor said I needed to get off the narcotics, I always had another doctor who was happy to give me more and say it was normal. It was my choice to believe what I wanted.
What I couldn’t understand was that life sucks. There’s pain, sadness, hunger, thirst, loss, etc., and there is no magic solution. Sometimes life is not easy, even painful, maybe extra painful for me but I really needed to see that there’s no long term solution in a bottle-any kind of bottle. And unless you have experienced it, there’s really no way to understand how something so small could cause problems that are so huge.

With my new perspective I see this whole situation for what is. My body is broken and it always will be. Those pills were only a temporary solution. If my body hurts too much it’s because I’m working it too hard. And healing takes time, lots of time.

I’m not desperate anymore. I had my last pill 9 days ago. And I was up to about 450mg per day of instant release oxycodone. Kratom and weed are a band-aid that I will have to deal with, but the only solution to this problem is time. But I can honestly say that what is helping more than anything is my attitude. I have never been one to take advice from anyone who hasn’t been through it, regardless of what it is. So now I’m taking my own advice. It sounds a lot like a Saturday morning special but I don’t care. I’m taking an impartial view of the long term effects and forming a bit of advice that I would give to my children if they were in my shoes right now and turning it back onto myself. It’s stupid and sort of unbelievable but my withdrawals are 95% gone. And I have sat right here in withdrawal more than 30 times so I can honestly say that this time is different. I still need to be conscious of my problem, but I’m not even thinking about the good times anymore.
Tomorrow will be better than today. And I know I’m right because today was better than yesterday.
 
Squeaky said:
I used to tell myself that I needed the pills. I have pain. I have pills. The pills stop the pain right? NOPE. The pills caused the majority of my daily pains. I couldn’t sleep because of the pains , so I needed the pills to sleep right? NOPE. The pills were the reason I couldn’t sleep. I was exhausted and impatient until I got a refill, so thank God for the next refill.... NOPE. The pills were causing me to be so exhausted that I had zero patience for the everyday challenges of life.

All of the conversation about how the pills are negatively affecting my life was pointless while I was stuck in withdrawals and praying that I might find one more pill (I dug through my drawer a dozen times hoping for a miracle). I’m a stubborn son of a bitch AND a know-it-all. When one doctor said I needed to get off the narcotics, I always had another doctor who was happy to give me more and say it was normal. It was my choice to believe what I wanted.
What I couldn’t understand was that life sucks. There’s pain, sadness, hunger, thirst, loss, etc., and there is no magic solution. Sometimes life is not easy, even painful, maybe extra painful for me but I really needed to see that there’s no long term solution in a bottle-any kind of bottle. And unless you have experienced it, there’s really no way to understand how something so small could cause problems that are so huge.

With my new perspective I see this whole situation for what is. My body is broken and it always will be. Those pills were only a temporary solution. If my body hurts too much it’s because I’m working it too hard. And healing takes time, lots of time.

I’m not desperate anymore. I had my last pill 9 days ago. And I was up to about 450mg per day of instant release oxycodone. Kratom and weed are a band-aid that I will have to deal with, but the only solution to this problem is time. But I can honestly say that what is helping more than anything is my attitude. I have never been one to take advice from anyone who hasn’t been through it, regardless of what it is. So now I’m taking my own advice. It sounds a lot like a Saturday morning special but I don’t care. I’m taking an impartial view of the long term effects and forming a bit of advice that I would give to my children if they were in my shoes right now and turning it back onto myself. It’s stupid and sort of unbelievable but my withdrawals are 95% gone. And I have sat right here in withdrawal more than 30 times so I can honestly say that this time is different. I still need to be conscious of my problem, but I’m not even thinking about the good times anymore.
Tomorrow will be better than today. And I know I’m right because today was better than yesterday.
Click to expand...
Thank you..
Right with you...

That warm comfort for a brief period, we literally chase and chase, and inspite of all the sht, continue to go at it..
Pain get meds.
Get refills
Pain, need meds,
Tolerance...need more meds
Run short, w/d blues.
Yep, looking thru drawers
Get refill....yada yada...
Fkn Groundhog Day
....X 10 years !!

The inner voice so cunning.....
And you know God forbid i gave surgical procedure, there im off again perhaps..

Yes, the attitude....
But the little voice can always reappear...

Good thread, thanks for sharing..

**I need to reappear st gym again..just to physically get up and drive there is going to be a fkn victory..
 
Dundermifflin8699 said:
Thank**I need to reappear st gym again..just to physically get up and drive there is going to be a fkn victory..
Click to expand...
I know that feeling all too well. Just getting in the car and driving somewhere important like the gym or grocery store is an absolute victory. During the first stage of withdrawals for me there is a long and tense moment where I argue with myself about whether I will actually die from a trip out of the house. ‘No way in hell I could actually go and work out, but wouldn’t it be a death sentence to even get into the car?’
Usually at some point I just get up and go. Mostly I got really good at pushing through the fear and straight up exhaustion that would have stopped me because I was constantly trying to hide my withdrawals. At some point around a year ago, I had been through the withdrawals so many times, so many months in a row, that it sort of became like a trip to the proctologist: I knew that it would be unbelievably uncomfortable but nobody ever died, and if I can just pretend to be strong when there are witnesses then I can come home and fall apart in privacy.
The other thing that I learned was that it’s a victory. Its such a small and seemingly insignificant victory to just get dressed, shave, teeth brushed, put on cologne, and get into the car. Then it’s a small victory to just start the car and idle down the street. And it doesn’t matter where I drive to, it takes all of my strength to keep focused and NOT think about how much less this would suck if I didn’t run out of pills. But when I get back home and change back into my pajamas and crawl back into bed, after telling my wife only that my back hurt (not about the wd’s), there is a moment when I am so damn proud of myself for manning-up and not choosing to pass on my responsibilities for that minute.
It doesn’t matter where I went. Work, grocery store, etc. It’s my fault I screwed my self, but I would feel like a slug if I cowered behind my withdrawals and made everyone else handle my responsibilities. “If I can make it through this trip to the grocery store then I have definitely earned a few hours of doing absolutely nothing” or “I just need to get to work. Today’s Friday and if I can make it through then I’ll have the whole weekend to lay around.”
Those very short and insignificant goals gave me something to focus on that was attainable and could provide me with some kind of satisfaction that I didn’t have to wait long to achieve. Thinking about how nice it will be when I have been off the pills for a month is absolutely murder, but feeling like I climbed Mount Everest by going to the grocery grocery for 5 minutes would always make me feel 10x less hopeless.

It’s also an effective way of using up a few minutes out of the day, and every minute spent is a minute earned when you’re in withdrawal.
 
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