Positive The Tapering Supportive/Social Thread

[Dundermifflin8699]

Squeaky,
I feel very happy for you as I read about your success in getting off the pills!
I can't believe how old I felt when taking my prescription opioids.
I feel so much more vibrant being clean even though the years are marching on.
Anyone who is persistent and keeps trying can achieve kicking any drug, any bad habit.
Never, never,.never give up.

Im trying again...
Note...it seems now im in my 60s and dont have the fire i once had..
But you're right anybody can kick any drug for sure...
The day at a time thing or one moment at a time thing or one hour at a time thing..

 

[Squeaky]

Squeaky,
I feel very happy for you as I read about your success in getting off the pills!
I can't believe how old I felt when taking my prescription opioids.
I feel so much more vibrant being clean even though the years are marching on.
Anyone who is persistent and keeps trying can achieve kicking any drug, any bad habit.
Never, never,.never give up.

Great to hear from the lady who started this thread!! How have you been Pokemama?

 

[Squeaky]

Im trying again...
Note...it seems now im in my 60s and dont have the fire i once had..
But you're right anybody can kick any drug for sure...
The day at a time thing or one moment at a time thing or one hour at a time thing..

I’m gonna get up on my soapbox here:

It always feels to me like trying to win a football game. I always start off hopeful but pretty quickly it becomes clear that I underestimated my opponent. My struggle feels endless but it’s really only a short time. Then when it’s over I over analyze my failure and make plans for not losing next time.
The part that trips me up every time is the moment when I haven’t lost yet but I have already given up in my mind. Around half-time I quietly decide that there’s no point in trying so hard if I’m losing so badly anyway. I always finish out the game having given up long before it is over.
My take away here is that it’s not a game and it’s never over. In a game there is a definite score and a clear winner. Quitting these pills is a lifestyle choice and you’re already on your way to the life you want. The fact that you’re in your 60’s might be working in your favor because a younger person might not see the value in a life of sobriety. All of your painful withdrawals are harder at your age but probably pushing you to get to the other side and driving you to push forward even when you feel like you have failed.
These pills have a sinister way of making everything feel hopeless. Sometimes I would go back to my pills just because I was sad about needing pills. Just remember that even if you take your pills tomorrow, you didn’t take them today and that’s progress. This is no game and the only way to lose is to die. You are absolutely winning. It just feels like purgatory while you’re waiting for your emotions to stabilize.

 

[Dundermifflin8699]

I’m gonna get up on my soapbox here:

It always feels to me like trying to win a football game. I always start off hopeful but pretty quickly it becomes clear that I underestimated my opponent. My struggle feels endless but it’s really only a short time. Then when it’s over I over analyze my failure and make plans for not losing next time.
The part that trips me up every time is the moment when I haven’t lost yet but I have already given up in my mind. Around half-time I quietly decide that there’s no point in trying so hard if I’m losing so badly anyway. I always finish out the game having given up long before it is over.
My take away here is that it’s not a game and it’s never over. In a game there is a definite score and a clear winner. Quitting these pills is a lifestyle choice and you’re already on your way to the life you want. The fact that you’re in your 60’s might be working in your favor because a younger person might not see the value in a life of sobriety. All of your painful withdrawals are harder at your age but probably pushing you to get to the other side and driving you to push forward even when you feel like you have failed.
These pills have a sinister way of making everything feel hopeless. Sometimes I would go back to my pills just because I was sad about needing pills. Just remember that even if you take your pills tomorrow, you didn’t take them today and that’s progress. This is no game and the only way to lose is to die. You are absolutely winning. It just feels like purgatory while you’re waiting for your emotions to stabilize.

Thank you

 

[Nurse Ratched]

I’m gonna get up on my soapbox here:

It always feels to me like trying to win a football game. I always start off hopeful but pretty quickly it becomes clear that I underestimated my opponent. My struggle feels endless but it’s really only a short time. Then when it’s over I over analyze my failure and make plans for not losing next time.
The part that trips me up every time is the moment when I haven’t lost yet but I have already given up in my mind. Around half-time I quietly decide that there’s no point in trying so hard if I’m losing so badly anyway. I always finish out the game having given up long before it is over.
My take away here is that it’s not a game and it’s never over. In a game there is a definite score and a clear winner. Quitting these pills is a lifestyle choice and you’re already on your way to the life you want. The fact that you’re in your 60’s might be working in your favor because a younger person might not see the value in a life of sobriety. All of your painful withdrawals are harder at your age but probably pushing you to get to the other side and driving you to push forward even when you feel like you have failed.
These pills have a sinister way of making everything feel hopeless. Sometimes I would go back to my pills just because I was sad about needing pills. Just remember that even if you take your pills tomorrow, you didn’t take them today and that’s progress. This is no game and the only way to lose is to die. You are absolutely winning. It just feels like purgatory while you’re waiting for your emotions to stabilize.

Well said and spot on.

 

[Squeaky]

When does this stop sucking. I really wish I could just take my oxy and relax for a couple of hours.

 

[n3ophy7e]

Be strong Squeaky, be tough. Distract distract distract

 

[Squeaky]

Be strong Squeaky, be tough. Distract distract distract

Thank you n3o. I’ll live. At least I don’t have access to my pills. I’m guessing I would have used them today for sure.

 

[Squeaky]

I guess this is what cravings feel like. I’m not really in pain but at every turn yesterday, everything seemed like life would go better with oxy. It is a little confusing because everyone thinks it’s all about ‘getting high’. I only got stoned on my pills a couple of times at the beginning, years ago. I can barely remember how it felt. I can however remember exactly how it felt for nothing to be stiff, sore, aching, etc. And for my mind to be still and relaxed. The latter seems to be what I’m craving most.
The Dr that got me really hooked did so with timed release oxy 30’s. The first one I used was at night and I slept like a baby, and woke up 10 hours later still high. The last two days I have been desperately trying to sleep but I wake up aching and I spent most of yesterday reminiscing about the only time in the last 5 or 6 years that I have slept without waking up 10 times through the night. Most folks would accuse me of wanting the ‘high’, but the reality is that I want the ‘no pain’ more than anything. Some dead sleep would be awesome too.

Too bad I wouldn’t be responsible. I know I would just do Groundhog Day all over again. I would be angry at myself for starting over. I would promise myself ’one night’ or ‘one weekend’. Then I would need a little on Monday morning to get over the hangover and convince myself that a few more hours won’t hurt and I can detox at home after work tonight. Then Tuesday goes the same and so does the rest of the week. Then I’m doing it all over next weekend and the last two months of abstinence is flushed down the toilet and I’m living through withdrawals again.
I said ‘never again’ every month for a couple if years. I know where that road leads. It’s hard to stay straight when something sucks and there’s a little blue pill that will fix it , but I’m not allowed to have it.

 

[Dundermifflin8699]

I guess this is what cravings feel like. I’m not really in pain but at every turn yesterday, everything seemed like life would go better with oxy. It is a little confusing because everyone thinks it’s all about ‘getting high’. I only got stoned on my pills a couple of times at the beginning, years ago. I can barely remember how it felt. I can however remember exactly how it felt for nothing to be stiff, sore, aching, etc. And for my mind to be still and relaxed. The latter seems to be what I’m craving most.
The Dr that got me really hooked did so with timed release oxy 30’s. The first one I used was at night and I slept like a baby, and woke up 10 hours later still high. The last two days I have been desperately trying to sleep but I wake up aching and I spent most of yesterday reminiscing about the only time in the last 5 or 6 years that I have slept without waking up 10 times through the night. Most folks would accuse me of wanting the ‘high’, but the reality is that I want the ‘no pain’ more than anything. Some dead sleep would be awesome too.

Too bad I wouldn’t be responsible. I know I would just do Groundhog Day all over again. I would be angry at myself for starting over. I would promise myself ’one night’ or ‘one weekend’. Then I would need a little on Monday morning to get over the hangover and convince myself that a few more hours won’t hurt and I can detox at home after work tonight. Then Tuesday goes the same and so does the rest of the week. Then I’m doing it all over next weekend and the last two months of abstinence is flushed down the toilet and I’m living through withdrawals again.
I said ‘never again’ every month for a couple if years. I know where that road leads. It’s hard to stay straight when something sucks and there’s a little blue pill that will fix it , but I’m not allowed to have it.

Yep..know all about that thinking...
Once I ended up with real spinal pain in severe arthritis then it became another ball game to a attempt to get off..
The thinking is so distorted and the mind games are so powerful...

The famous saying
”And this time I really mean it...!”

 

[Nurse Ratched]

I guess this is what cravings feel like. I’m not really in pain but at every turn yesterday, everything seemed like life would go better with oxy. It is a little confusing because everyone thinks it’s all about ‘getting high’. I only got stoned on my pills a couple of times at the beginning, years ago. I can barely remember how it felt. I can however remember exactly how it felt for nothing to be stiff, sore, aching, etc. And for my mind to be still and relaxed. The latter seems to be what I’m craving most.
The Dr that got me really hooked did so with timed release oxy 30’s. The first one I used was at night and I slept like a baby, and woke up 10 hours later still high. The last two days I have been desperately trying to sleep but I wake up aching and I spent most of yesterday reminiscing about the only time in the last 5 or 6 years that I have slept without waking up 10 times through the night. Most folks would accuse me of wanting the ‘high’, but the reality is that I want the ‘no pain’ more than anything. Some dead sleep would be awesome too.

Too bad I wouldn’t be responsible. I know I would just do Groundhog Day all over again. I would be angry at myself for starting over. I would promise myself ’one night’ or ‘one weekend’. Then I would need a little on Monday morning to get over the hangover and convince myself that a few more hours won’t hurt and I can detox at home after work tonight. Then Tuesday goes the same and so does the rest of the week. Then I’m doing it all over next weekend and the last two months of abstinence is flushed down the toilet and I’m living through withdrawals again.
I said ‘never again’ every month for a couple if years. I know where that road leads. It’s hard to stay straight when something sucks and there’s a little blue pill that will fix it , but I’m not allowed to have it.

You are so much like I was. I, too, craved hard after quitting and would always glorify things by thinking all will be right with the world if I just pop a couple of pills. How soon we forget what it was like to constantly obsess over the pills and pretend that they were magic and they made everything right with the world. Kicking them to a curb was a cakewalk physically for me. The mind fuck I got from them afterwards was horrible for about 90 days. Craved that feeling so bad. Drug dreams, anxiety, longing for them...it was relentless. At these times I had to remind myself of the 10 reasons I also hated the pills. When I convinced my brain that I hated them more than I loved them I was able to come to terms with my cravings and after about 6 months I wasn't getting triggered as much.

You are right about at 90 days now, right? You have done so damn good. Give yourself about another 90 and you may well just have your oxy addiction licked. Once you have had enough, you will have had enough. Now you are in the drivers seat and not the oxy. It is a damn shame that you can't take as prescribed ( because I know you have pain ) but you and I both proved to ourselves that we can't. Get refill, take until gone ( usually within a week) suffer for 3 more until we can refill and rinse and repeat. Once someone compulsively does that for many many years ( like you did ) the thought that we could ever take as prescribed becomes a dream and not reality. People like us can't be trusted to obey when there is a bottle of pills in front of us. Stay strong, Squeaky. I know you know I want you to be FREE.

 

[Squeaky]

I

You are so much like I was. I, too, craved hard after quitting and would always glorify things by thinking all will be right with the world if I just pop a couple of pills. How soon we forget what it was like to constantly obsess over the pills and pretend that they were magic and they made everything right with the world. Kicking them to a curb was a cakewalk physically for me. The mind fuck I got from them afterwards was horrible for about 90 days. Craved that feeling so bad. Drug dreams, anxiety, longing for them...it was relentless. At these times I had to remind myself of the 10 reasons I also hated the pills. When I convinced my brain that I hated them more than I loved them I was able to come to terms with my cravings and after about 6 months I wasn't getting triggered as much.

You are right about at 90 days now, right? You have done so damn good. Give yourself about another 90 and you may well just have your oxy addiction licked. Once you have had enough, you will have had enough. Now you are in the drivers seat and not the oxy. It is a damn shame that you can't take as prescribed ( because I know you have pain ) but you and I both proved to ourselves that we can't. Get refill, take until gone ( usually within a week) suffer for 3 more until we can refill and rinse and repeat. Once someone compulsively does that for many many years ( like you did ) the thought that we could ever take as prescribed becomes a dream and not reality. People like us can't be trusted to obey when there is a bottle of pills in front of us. Stay strong, Squeaky. I know you know I want you to be FREE.

I believe I have turned the corner. I could go back but I don’t romanticize them anymore. It just sucks from time to time. My hope is that in the next 2 or 3 months I’ll start to forget the good parts. I don’t get “drug dreams” though, never did.

 

[papercuts]

Is it an irony or something else when your brain tells you that coronavirus is throwing out mutations everywhere so perhaps my symptoms aren't really opioid wd...
and aren't the viruses very likely to have used my weakened state to mutate and my symptoms are really the new coronavirus symptoms...
so I need to know which it is otherwise my life might be in danger...
and the quickest way to find out the facts in this rapidly emerging situation is to take an opioid and if it doesn't cure me then I've a brand new and dangerous mutation of coronavirus...
Do you know I'm quite impressed with my brain coming up with that as I wandered round the garden clutching my stomach and noting that my ear and throat and head were skewered with pain in a straight line, so I lay down on the grass and I think I still got bugs in my hair.
Didn't do it.

 

[Nurse Ratched]

Is it an irony or something else when your brain tells you that coronavirus is throwing out mutations everywhere so perhaps my symptoms aren't really opioid wd but aren't the viruses very likely to have used my weakened state to mutate and my symptoms are really the new coronavirus symptoms so I need to know which it is otherwise my life might be in danger and the quickest way to find out the facts in this rapidly emerging situation is to take an opioid and if it doesn't cure me then I've coronavirus...
Do you know I'm quite impressed with my brain coming up with that as I wandered round the garden clutching my stomach and noting that my ear and throat and head were skewered in a straight line, so I lay down on the grass and I think I still got bugs in my hair.
Didn't do it.

Laughing at the bugs in your hair, not your struggle.

 

[tweakette]

the time lock safes are like $80, so I bought an ammo box for $10, and a time lock for $20 on Amazon so it was $30. I bought a 10.000 scale and I measured my dope into 1/2 gram bags and locked them in box. I have been doing great I even have done less of what I have put aside for myself per day. I lock the rest away. And so far so good I use in the morning and then before bed and that’s it. It’s been working great so far. I’m going to cut my dose down 15% next week and so forth and as I get smaller 5%. I can’t believe how well I’m doing.

 

[tweakette]

You had acute physical withdrawals from H for 6 months??? Please come back and let us know of this works out for you. I want to do it too. Maybe even get a time lock safe...

Yes, I had acute withdrawals from heroin for 6 months and even longer but at 6 months I finally broke. I couldn’t take the physical symptoms anymore, I needed to clean my house, I needed to work, everything was crumbling around me. It was ridiculous. But then again I do withdraw harder than most, I die if I go cold Turkey without any medical intervention. When I tried going cold Turkey in 2014 I ended up in the hospital for 5 days with kidney failure.

 

[papercuts]

Laughing at the bugs in your hair, not your struggle.

I wasn't sure if this was the right place to write this. I'm stopping/reducing opioids but not weed. I've smoked that since I was twelve and it helps me, both mind and body, although I'm more prone to slip up stoned as my mind takes these trails that lead to genuine panic.
I edited it to make it read more easily, the first version only works if you speak with the accent of a very stoned irish woman! I should have put in question marks. Shit I don't normally sweat the small stuff

 

[papercuts]

I feel it's not right of me to ask for help without giving it, but I've read the latest posts here and it seems everyone knows more and is in a better place than me to comment anyway.
I've nothing to give. Sorry about that.
That's why I'm breaking from opiates for a while (except my low dose buprenorphine patch which is for genuine pain and my doctor is reliable so far in providing them).
I had a small triumph today, but it's way to much information for someone not in the bathroom with me at the time, so I'm not even sharing that.
I'm feeling better today than yesterday, my stomach is slowly unknotting from time to time, the sweats are less even though it's a hot day.
So I had a question for anyone who could be arsed reading this far.
Should I give my leftover opioids to my husband to mind for me? Hopefully it would be forever (and I mean would, not wouldn't, why do people mix them up?), but I never say forever because I know how hard that is and I'll go back to it at a better time perhaps, or... fuck my brain had a million excuses ready there, tricky wee bastard.
Back to my question.
My husband knows I use opiates that are not legit as well as having my bupe patch in place, but he doesn't know opiates from personal experience (he's sober now and says he's far to prone to addiction to even smoke weed, probably true for me as well but he's older and more mature about things than I am sometimes).
So as I'm clearly making excuses and still feel shite I know the answer is, yes, absolutely, that supportive loving husband I'm fortunate enough to still have is absolutely the right person to give control to. So why can't I do it?

 

[Dundermifflin8699]

Obsession of the mind....
Very powerful....

 

[papercuts]

I feel it's not right of me to ask for help without giving it, but I've read the latest posts here and it seems everyone knows more and is in a better place than me to comment anyway.
I've nothing to give. Sorry about that.
That's why I'm breaking from opiates for a while (except my low dose buprenorphine patch which is for genuine pain and my doctor is reliable so far in providing them).
I had a small triumph today, but it's way to much information for someone not in the bathroom with me at the time, so I'm not even sharing that.
I'm feeling better today than yesterday, my stomach is slowly unknotting from time to time, the sweats are less even though it's a hot day.
So I had a question for anyone who could be arsed reading this far.
Should I give my leftover opioids to my husband to mind for me? Hopefully it would be forever (and I mean would, not wouldn't, why do people mix them up?), but I never say forever because I know how hard that is and I'll go back to it at a better time perhaps, or... fuck my brain had a million excuses ready there, tricky wee bastard.
Back to my question.
My husband knows I use opiates that are not legit as well as having my bupe patch in place, but he doesn't know opiates from personal experience (he's sober now and says he's far to prone to addiction to even smoke weed, probably true for me as well but he's older and more mature about things than I am sometimes).
So as I'm clearly making excuses and still feel shite I know the answer is, yes, absolutely, that supportive loving husband I'm fortunate enough to still have is absolutely the right person to give control to. So why can't I do it?

I'm just going to continue talking to myself here because it feels ok and I don't care if I look stupid, fuck's sake I am stupid.
So a week or so ago I realised that every room in our house has a smell it didn't used to have. The smell differs from room to room but it's not nice.
Then I kept putting off having a full shower for over a week, so I'm sure I was adding to the odour

That was when I thought I might give it a try to cut it out of my life for a bit.
I thoroughly enjoyed lockdown, that's all I remember of it really, but now people want to meet up and initially I didn't want things to change from the last year because I can happily work from home looking and smelling awful while everyone thinks I'm still like them. I hate to be so cliched as to quote Kurt Cobain, but I will anyway because I don't care, "I'm not like them, but I can pretend". That is what the accompanying music in my head plays almost every time when I am preparing some shit to take.

Unless you got that kind of money you can't pretend successfully enough, so I'm taking a break of sorts. I just feel on very shaky ground right now.