This Christmas is another miracle in my semi charmed life

[deficiT]

@deficiT Just curious: did you have any kind of Near Death Experience, or were you just out like a light and then woke up? Either way it goes I'd find the 411 on this interesting.

Nah, I don't think so. Not sure if I've already mentioned it here in this thread, but this is the fourth time now I've been hospitalized due to overdose.

I don't recall anything really. I just completely lost recollection, and woke up in the hospital in the ICU.

Glad you’re alive man. I totally get it the only explanation I have for still being alive is God. It would be foolish to deny it.

I get the keep fucking up part. Just know you’re not alone I too have relapsed one thousand too many times. But you keep a good attitude, a good heart and that’s enough to keep on keeping on.

You gotta get off the fent man it’s gonna kill you. This last run I overdosed nearly 3 times in 2 months, the last time my mom narcan’d me 4 fucking times. I woke up couldn’t breathe it hurt so fucking bad my throat was swelled up. When I tell you I put .01 in the spoon it was crumbs of powder and I od’ed.,. Can’t even shoot any less powder if you tried.

I’m back in a sober house but shit I’ve injected phenibut the last 3 days and I just feel myself slipping already and it’s like I can’t even stop myself.

I hope we both figure it out before it’s too late. I’m sorry for all the shit you’ve been through I know it’s a fucking lot to deal with hurting the people we love. You can do this though

Yeah, I get that man. I mean, there was still like two or three capsules at home when I got out of the hospital, I of course, did the rest over the next day or two. But obviously didn't go crazy with it. Haven't gotten any more since, and I'm back on subs now. Haven't gotten any more crack either, which could probably easily be a huge money pit and self destructive avenue if I had a steady connect and allowed it to be. I mean, I live in the heroin capital of the US, it's basically a giant open air drug market. I could easily get some of either if I wanted to. Although I haven't, so it's a good start. Although I did smoke a little meth for the first time in 7 months though. Luckily that didn't really suck me in either, it was kind of disappointing honestly, I'd hoped it would have given me more relief. I think I just have such a huge tolerance to stimulants at this point that I need a lot. Smoking the crack did fucking rock my world when I had it though, that was nice.

Well, I'm glad you've made it as well, and I'm glad you're in the sober house. But holy shit, you've been injecting phenibut? That's insanity I've honestly never even considered it, what kind of doses are you doing and how much water do you need, and does it even properly dissolve all the way?

Honestly, moreso than the substance themselves, I've learned that the ROA, specifically the needle, is a fatal fascination. THAT very easily could be what kills you. Detaching myself from the needle has probably honestly saved my life. I don't think I would have survived the years 2018-2020 if I had been injecting heroin with the amount that I was doing. The fact that I just snorted it is what spared me I firmly believe. If I had injected the amount I took when I last overdosed.

You gotta get off the blade my dude. I'll definitely pray for you, and you can hit me up anytime if you need any support.

 

[OpiateKiller]

Nah, I don't think so. Not sure if I've already mentioned it here in this thread, but this is the fourth time now I've been hospitalized due to overdose.

I don't recall anything really. I just completely lost recollection, and woke up in the hospital in the ICU.


Yeah, I get that man. I mean, there was still like two or three capsules at home when I got out of the hospital, I of course, did the rest over the next day or two. But obviously didn't go crazy with it. Haven't gotten any more since, and I'm back on subs now. Haven't gotten any more crack either, which could probably easily be a huge money pit and self destructive avenue if I had a steady connect and allowed it to be. I mean, I live in the heroin capital of the US, it's basically a giant open air drug market. I could easily get some of either if I wanted to. Although I haven't, so it's a good start. Although I did smoke a little meth for the first time in 7 months though. Luckily that didn't really suck me in either, it was kind of disappointing honestly, I'd hoped it would have given me more relief. I think I just have such a huge tolerance to stimulants at this point that I need a lot. Smoking the crack did fucking rock my world when I had it though, that was nice.

Well, I'm glad you've made it as well, and I'm glad you're in the sober house. But holy shit, you've been injecting phenibut? That's insanity I've honestly never even considered it, what kind of doses are you doing and how much water do you need, and does it even properly dissolve all the way?

Honestly, moreso than the substance themselves, I've learned that the ROA, specifically the needle, is a fatal fascination. THAT very easily could be what kills you. Detaching myself from the needle has probably honestly saved my life. I don't think I would have survived the years 2018-2020 if I had been injecting heroin with the amount that I was doing. The fact that I just snorted it is what spared me I firmly believe. If I had injected the amount I took when I last overdosed.

You gotta get off the blade my dude. I'll definitely pray for you, and you can hit me up anytime if you need any support.

Yeah you’re right the needle is not good and honestly I wasn’t even using it much this past run only when I was running low on dope and had to conserve.

Honestly I don’t even think I’d still be using them if I didn’t have such easy access. I do steroids and my entire sober house does so needles are like q tips all over the place. Not really good for a recovering addict

Open H market you gotta be in either Baltimore or Atlanta if I had to guess if not out west. Lawrence Mass is a lot like that every dude has dope or knows who has dope just yell Montega and it’s there. It’s bad. People go down with new hampshire plates and the only reason anyone from NH is in Lawrence mass is to buy coke crack or dope so you’ll get pulled over or tailed easily. Any nice car down there with NH plates is getting followed and the DEA is down there pretty heavy it’s a huge Spanish port for fent

Phenibut dissolves very easily in water I have HCL. It’s incredibly acidic and caustic so if I miss even a tiny bit it hurts worse than meth did. I use 3 mL steroid needles so in 3 mL of water I’m pretty sure I’m injecting around 3 grams I don’t have a scale. The first night I did it I was nodding out of phenibut lol. Not really good though I’m gonna try and chill with all that

 

[Robi]

youre strong and give of self to others in some of your hardest times, you and BL`rs never cease to amaze me. we all have lost so much but to lose you would crush everyone around all worlds, i look up to you Def

 

[deficiT]

youre strong and give of self to others in some of your hardest times, you and BL`rs never cease to amaze me. we all have lost so much but to lose you would crush everyone around all worlds, i look up to you Def

That's a really beautiful thing to say I told my girlfriend about it and she even wanted me to tell you thanks lol. It really helps to know that people have heard me and appreciate my existence. You're pretty awesome too

Yeah you’re right the needle is not good and honestly I wasn’t even using it much this past run only when I was running low on dope and had to conserve.

Honestly I don’t even think I’d still be using them if I didn’t have such easy access. I do steroids and my entire sober house does so needles are like q tips all over the place. Not really good for a recovering addict

Open H market you gotta be in either Baltimore or Atlanta if I had to guess if not out west. Lawrence Mass is a lot like that every dude has dope or knows who has dope just yell Montega and it’s there. It’s bad. People go down with new hampshire plates and the only reason anyone from NH is in Lawrence mass is to buy coke crack or dope so you’ll get pulled over or tailed easily. Any nice car down there with NH plates is getting followed and the DEA is down there pretty heavy it’s a huge Spanish port for fent

Phenibut dissolves very easily in water I have HCL. It’s incredibly acidic and caustic so if I miss even a tiny bit it hurts worse than meth did. I use 3 mL steroid needles so in 3 mL of water I’m pretty sure I’m injecting around 3 grams I don’t have a scale. The first night I did it I was nodding out of phenibut lol. Not really good though I’m gonna try and chill with all that

Yeah, I'm in Baltimore. I enjoy it but it definitely has its fucking big ass flaws. Yeah, I've heard NH was bad with H, but have never spent much time in the Northeast so don't know much about it. Most of my life has been lived around the DMV. Luckily police in Baltimore basically don't really enforce anything anymore. Really the only problem is when you leave the city. I used to commute an hour and 15 minutes to Baltimore from West Virginia to cop every other day or two, on top of my already extensive work commute.

Hmmm, yeah, the first couple times I did phenibut I got pretty fucked up. But after getting a little more it doesn't really affect me all that strongly. I would definitely never consider injecting it, that sounds like bad news bears. Definitely take care of yourself bro!

 

[RedRum OG]

Glad to see you made it through the holidays. Didn't realize you lived in the US capital of dope (though Philly has been trying to take that title recently), damn that's tough to stay straight in. Good luck!

 

[deficiT]

I feel like I did permanent physical and mental damage to myself during this overdose.

It still feels like I'm recovering. Everything just feels sluggish, and it's taking me extra long to do anything. No motivation, just in the dumps.

Maybe I'll start to feel better, but idk. It's painful. I think I really did a number on myself.

 

[Nurse Ratched]

I feel like I did permanent physical and mental damage to myself during this overdose.

It still feels like I'm recovering. Everything just feels sluggish, and it's taking me extra long to do anything. No motivation, just in the dumps.

Maybe I'll start to feel better, but idk. It's painful. I think I really did a number on myself.

Be as kind to yourself as you can. You went through a traumatic experience and it's going to take a bit to get back to your baseline. Eat well and get your rest. And NO DRINKING or i'm going to hunt your down.

Does your girl still drink vodka everyday? If she is I know it probably triggers you. I had a b/f that drank all the time so I did just because he did. Usually didn't end well either.

Hoping you start to feel better soon.

 

[deficiT]

Be as kind to yourself as you can. You went through a traumatic experience and it's going to take a bit to get back to your baseline. Eat well and get your rest. And NO DRINKING or i'm going to hunt your down.

Does your girl still drink vodka everyday? If she is I know it probably triggers you. I had a b/f that drank all the time so I did just because he did. Usually didn't end well either.

Hoping you start to feel better soon.

Yeah, she is. I'm trying to get her to cut back, but it's difficult.

Well, I kinda have been drinking some beer here or there. Nothing really crazy though. As long as I stick to beer it isn't really a huge problem, atm anyway.

 

[RedRum OG]

Yeah, she is. I'm trying to get her to cut back, but it's difficult.

Well, I kinda have been drinking some beer here or there. Nothing really crazy though. As long as I stick to beer it isn't really a huge problem, atm anyway.

Alcohol is fucking harsh. Alcohol fucks with glutamate. Glutamate is basically the foundation of neurochemistry in humans (and animals)- a very powerful, ubiquitous neurotransmitter. Maybe you already knew all that, but I'd choose something else, personally. Just because it isn't becoming an addictive problem doesn't mean it isn't jerking your brain around, making it even harder to find a stable homeostasis. Healing takes extended peace and quiet. You into weed at all? It may not be 100% healthy habit, but I find it bridges the gap to sobriety much more easily than cold turkey.

I feel like I did permanent physical and mental damage to myself during this overdose.

It still feels like I'm recovering. Everything just feels sluggish, and it's taking me extra long to do anything. No motivation, just in the dumps.

Maybe I'll start to feel better, but idk. It's painful. I think I really did a number on myself.

You do any exercise? I credit weight lifting with healing me after years of heroin addiction and a benzo detox that almost killed me via seizures. I came away with serious brain damage and PTSD. January 2014 I could barely stand and lift a pencil. January 2017 I was deadlifting over 500lbs. The body's healing potential is miraculous. Highly recommend eating a lot more fat and protein, less carbs, drink more water, take a multivitamin, and start a consistent, stable sleeping and exercising schedule. That lame, nerdy-ass shit does more than you'd expect. And, though it may not be ideal, you can start working on that stuff even if you are still using. Learning discipline and self care is never a waste of time.

Good luck out there, my man. Glad you're still breathing, moving, and typing.

 

[deficiT]

Alcohol is fucking harsh. Alcohol fucks with glutamate. Glutamate is basically the foundation of neurochemistry in humans (and animals)- a very powerful, ubiquitous neurotransmitter. Maybe you already knew all that, but I'd choose something else, personally. Just because it isn't becoming an addictive problem doesn't mean it isn't jerking your brain around, making it even harder to find a stable homeostasis. Healing takes extended peace and quiet. You into weed at all? It may not be 100% healthy habit, but I find it bridges the gap to sobriety much more easily than cold turkey.



You do any exercise? I credit weight lifting with healing me after years of heroin addiction and a benzo detox that almost killed me via seizures. I came away with serious brain damage and PTSD. January 2014 I could barely stand and lift a pencil. January 2017 I was deadlifting over 500lbs. The body's healing potential is miraculous. Highly recommend eating a lot more fat and protein, less carbs, drink more water, take a multivitamin, and start a consistent, stable sleeping and exercising schedule. That lame, nerdy-ass shit does more than you'd expect. And, though it may not be ideal, you can start working on that stuff even if you are still using. Learning discipline and self care is never a waste of time.

Good luck out there, my man. Glad you're still breathing, moving, and typing.

Thanks man.

Yeah, I would just be smoking weed and likely a lot of this wouldn't be as big of a problem, but I'm on probation so can't.

I used to have an exercise routine, but have fallen off. At the moment I don't even really have the space to do anything, or money to go to a gym or anything like that.

So, idk, I'm gonna try and work on meditating more.

 

[nznity]

I don't know why I keep getting the benefit of the doubt from the divine. I have survived the seemingly unsurvivable, yet again. It doesn't seem fair to me, that I have been given so many chances to figure it out, and keep dropping the ball. While there are so many people out there, so many innocents and otherwise good people, that aren't even given one chance, let alone several.

I overdosed Tuesday morning, on heroin/fentanyl. There is still a pit in my stomach thinking about it, and I'm still trying to piece together how I feel about it. The circumstances are practically irrelevant. But, my girlfriends dog woke her up, and she found me unresponsive on the floor. I stopped breathing and she dialed 911.

It wasn't intentional.

I don't get it anymore. I was angry when I first woke up. The chest x-rays revealed that I had a case of pneumonia. My sinuses were filled with blood from that big tube they shove in your nose to keep you breathing. I was covered head to toe in bruises. I had been given two doses of narcan.

I snorted a ten dollar capsule of heroin around five or six in the AM. I had done maybe one other capsule throughout the previous few hours, and smoked a decent amount of crack.

I still don't really know how to feel. I can't tell my family about it this time. It would just demolish my mother. But I have to tell you guys, and hopefully it can serve as some kind of message of positivity.

I'm just happy I didn't gift her my death this year for Christmas. But I feel supremely awful about it. I can't stop fucking up. I don't know anymore what I can do to stop destroying myself. Well, I do, but I don't know if I'm capable.

I guess these holidays, don't forget how temporary everything is, and don't forget to hold your family close. They love you.

And I love you. God bless you all, and Merry Christmas.

When it's not your time it just isn't, glad you're alive my brother. ❤❤❤✌

 

[RedRum OG]

Thanks man.

Yeah, I would just be smoking weed and likely a lot of this wouldn't be as big of a problem, but I'm on probation so can't.

I used to have an exercise routine, but have fallen off. At the moment I don't even really have the space to do anything, or money to go to a gym or anything like that.

So, idk, I'm gonna try and work on meditating more.

Some gyms are like $12/ month. Just something to keep in mind. Many of them are also 24/7 with showers and lockers which can be good for people with semi-nomadic/homeless lifestyles.

Meditating is good. There are plenty of good body weight exercises out there, too. Cardio and calisthenics can be done basically anywhere

Would it be possible for you to get a medical weed card and an exception to the THC UA? Looks like you guys have a medical program there